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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about house guest?

84 replies

Caliphora · 17/09/2011 23:52

Really nervous posting here - go gently on me!

A few weeks ago we offered our friend our spare room until 15th October, as she's starting a new job up here this coming week. The conditions were:

  • We're not charging her rent, so she'll find it easier to save up for a deposit and rent on a place mid-October
  • We will need £10 for gas, as we're on a meter and a budget, too.
  • No visitors after 11pm. I am 34 weeks pregnant, and need my rest - DP is a shift worker and needs to have peace and quiet.
  • No house parties. DP and I are 31, we've done the all nighters we need until the baby arrives...
  • She has to help out with communal chores.

She's 22, and a lovely girl, but here are a few reasons why I'm worried:

  • She's coming up here on a budget. I had to sit down with her and make that budget because "Money is so hard to figure out"... Her first week here she'll have £19 for food, tobacco and travel, so I'm worrying we'll have to feed her too (which would not be a problem if she asks us about it, but previous experience tells me it will be a last minute "Oh I'm so hungry" pity fest...)
  • She is reckless with money - you'll see a theme. She is very immature with finance as she's been living off "bank of mum and dad" for years.
  • Her first action when she found out she'd got the job was to arrange a party in a privately owned field opposite my house. When I asked where people would sleep and use the toilet etc, she did a "Oh, yeah, your house?". See condition 4...
  • She's already lived in several houses in her current home town, and amassed various debts with her former house mates. Now, I've pre-empted this by saying "Don't worry about rent or bills" - but it still makes me a bit on edge.
  • I've told her she needs to be out by 15th October, but I'm eyeing up her salary and thinking there's no way she'll get together a deposit and first month's rent from what she's earning in the first month (£6.50/hour, 40 hours - about £208/week net)

What do I do if I'm 2 weeks away from my due date (31st October) and she goes "I have no where to live, can I stay please?"
What do I do when she spends all her money and we end up having to pay for her food?

AIBU to think that I shouldn't have agreed to this, and that she's going to drive me up the walls?

OP posts:
Gissabreak · 18/09/2011 17:21

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MysteryToyBlockedTheToilet · 18/09/2011 17:25

Totally agree with everyone else, at 34 weeks you have your priorties already set and altho you may feel mean i think you should change your mind and tell her she cant stay. If your not already over the next few weeks just getting up from the sofa is knackering let along having a PITA house guest.

To be fair it sounds like she always seems to take advantage fall on her feet so dont feel pressured, Being pregnant is the only time in your life you can get away with being selfish. No one has to be the good or bad guy just simply state the facts, if she's as much as a friend as you are to her then she should understand.

Good luck!!

RandomMess · 18/09/2011 17:25

How much to rent a room in a shared house? Surely she can afford that more quickly?

TheOriginalFAB · 18/09/2011 17:33

She hasn't moved you yet and already she is trying to push you persuade you to let her stay longer.....

She needs to grow up, your DH needs to tell her you can't have her to stay (and then shut up) and you need to rest.

barleycorn · 18/09/2011 17:35

Where's her job?

She should be able to get a room in a shared/student house for around £240-280 in the Withington/ areas, there's loads of websites, I just had a look on spare room.co.uk.

Sounds like she's going to need a large kick up the arse to get her out!

EricNorthmansMistress · 18/09/2011 20:53

This can't happen, you know that, right? I had a freeloading flatmate once - offered him a weekend to find somewhere, he stayed for 6 months Shock but we were very young and he was a laugh so it was kind of ok. At our age and pregnant - no bloody way.

Give her the numbers of local hostels, or alternatively spareroom.co.uk is good, I just let my spare room throug them and because I want to be flexible I set the terms at 1 week notice and 1 week rent as deposit.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 18/09/2011 20:58

Do you really want to have all this stress just before you give birth ..... Easier for her to make arrangements now whilst she has time rather than you kicking her out. What if your baby is early? Make life simpler for you, and baby.

Let your DH tell her the deal is off. If he is happy to do this then fair enough. If you insist on her coming and she creates lots of problems it will be inevitable that you and your DH will end up disagreeing. Not happy family life!

ReadRideABikeSwim · 18/09/2011 21:08

oh my word

please don't do it

feign hypertension

DurhamDurham · 18/09/2011 21:22

Show her this thread.....it may be the wake up call she so badly needs!

Like everyone else has already said. It will end badly so you may as well end it now. She is not your problem. You must put yourself first, you will have a teenage yourself in years to come so you don't need a bratty 22 year old in this period of your life.

Original poster
Caliphora · 18/09/2011 21:29

She's supposed to arrive on Thursday.

But you're all right, of course.
I am having a long talk with my DP tonight and I'm going to find a solution that doesn't kick her on her arse immediately, but shortens her stay here.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 18/09/2011 21:30

Oh for God's sake, stop being such a drip! (And everything DontGoCurly said).

I'm not sure she is your friend, just someone who knows a soft touch when she sees one. Immaturity is a very kind way of saying she does whatever she wants with no concern for how it affects others, isn't it?

Take it from me (39 + 4, tired) you DO NOT want your last few weeks of pregnancy dominated by this chancer. If she doesn't get it when you change your mind, given all the boundaries she has already pushed, you're still quids in: you'll have got rid of a freeloading fake friend.

piprabbit · 18/09/2011 21:49

Any chance of helping her find a room in a shared house? Would she be able to get to work from university accommodation areas? At this time of year there will be students around, looking for odd people to make up the numbers of a shared house until the 'who is living with who' thing gets sorted out.

Andrewofgg · 18/09/2011 22:18

Am I the only one to wonder whether this thread is for real?

OP has referred to DP twice and to DH once. I don't give a damn which he is if all this is genuine but she must know!

OP, if this is real, don't shorten her stay, bloody well cancel it NOW.

If you and D-whatever can help her find something else without busting a gut, well and good, because you will be letting her down, but letting her get her foot in the door is not an alternative.

Your first priorities are you and DC-on-the-way, in whichever order you prefer, then D?, and it's not in the interests of any of those three to let this immature liberty-taker cross your threshold.

If, as I say, she exists.

nannynick · 18/09/2011 22:21

Maybe some local students would be happy to share their home with her. FlatShare: M8 postcode area - is that of any use?

Original poster
Caliphora · 18/09/2011 22:22

Andrew That's a bit rude, isn't it? I exist, so does my partner, who isn't a husband yet. But thanks for making me lean back and question my existence, it was most amusing.

Let me also repeat my last post:

^"But you're all right, of course.
I am having a long talk with my DP tonight and I'm going to find a solution that doesn't kick her on her arse immediately, but shortens her stay here."^

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 18/09/2011 22:27

Yes - please don't even start. The last few weeks of pregnancy are v hard. You do not need ANY extra stress, even if she turns into the most helpful, considerate, pleasant houseguest ever - you will still look back at the birth of your first baby as a time when xxx was there.
If you can't turn her down yourself, go with the midwife trick of saying that the MW thinks that you do not need any extra stress at the moment...

LadyWord · 18/09/2011 22:30

Caliphora, nooooooo! You need to call it off.

I think you have every right to blame it on the rave plans - you laid down the rules, she organises a rave. She doesn't give two hoots for your rules so you can tell her that's going to be a massive issue and you need to change your mind.

Also you said tobacco - she smokes? If she's inconsiderate anyway, you can't have that in the last few weeks of pregnancy and with a new baby.

But if you can't face telling her straight, invent a late-pregnancy health problem that means you are SOOO sorry but it's no longer possible. You can be vague - it's your blood pressure/iron levels/the baby might be coming early/doc has prescribed you as much rest as possible and no house guests.

If the friendship is over because of it - well, it will be anyway if she does stay, and a good thing by the sound of it! Sorry, harsh but she sounds like a PITA.

Andrewofgg · 18/09/2011 22:31

Well,Caliphora, it was you who called him DH. And threads are sometimes started by people just looking for a reaction. No intention to be rude, I was jsut puzzled.

I'm sorry to hear this is not one of those silly threads because you are in a mess. Like most if not all who have answered, I remain of the view that her arse is what you should kick her out on - and immediately.

In any event, good luck with her and what is more important with your baby.

Pang · 18/09/2011 23:38

OP - Please for your sanity don't let her stay. Once she has a foot in the door it will be so much harder to get her to leave.

When my DH and I got our first house together, a friend from out of town announced that he was moving to town and needed some where to stay temporarily. My DH agreed to this before telling me. I didn't want the friend to stay because I thought we needed time to settle in together as a married couple (not a student doss house). Anyway, DH said he would feel bad to cancel after he had agreed. Well friend came and stayed .....and stayed ...and stayed and stayed for 9 f*ing months.

It all ended badly (It could have ended in divorce)!! He left on bad terms. Many years later, when I think about it, it still makes me Angry. Not just at ex-friend but also at DH and myself for not being brave enough to kick the lazy, selfish pig him out earlier. It really did put an unecessary strain of us and the friendship ened anyway.

Don't put yourself under this pressure esp when you are pregnant.

sunnydelight · 19/09/2011 01:08

Sorry but you know you are mad to even have her through the door. The last thing you need in the last weeks of pregnancy is the sort of stress this WILL cause you, tell her now that because of something pregnancy related unfortunately you can no longer have her. You are not her mother, but you will be a mother very soon and need to focus on your child then.

Gissabreak · 19/09/2011 06:49

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Andrewofgg · 19/09/2011 06:58

As you say about yourself, Gissabreak, being wrong happens Wink and it is of very little importance. I don't think you and I disagree about the substance of the matter which is don't let her in!

What is WWJD?

Gissabreak · 19/09/2011 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Andrewofgg · 19/09/2011 07:48

Thank you, G, you live and learn!

Original poster
Caliphora · 19/09/2011 10:46

Gissa - She's not a church member, no. But I think you're hitting the nail a little bit on the head here - we've said "WWJD" to ourselves and made the offer - and are now finding it really hard to go back on that.

We did have a long talk last night though, me and DP, and we've come to the conclusion that on Thursday night we're sitting her down with the rule book, and asking her to find something before the 15th. We'll encourage and help her to find something, and we've started the ball by asking our friends if they know of places to stay.
DP has said he'll be "Bad Cop" and make sure she sticks to her end of the agreement - and we will point out to her that since she's already broken the agreement, she's on a final chance. If she breaks any of the house rules again, she's out - whether she has a place to go to or not.
Also, if the baby comes early, she'll have to go.

Thank you all for telling me to say no - it's raised quite a few points I didn't think of myself, and helped us sit down and have an honest talk and think about how to approach how I felt about it and how DP felt about it.

If it all goes pearshaped, I guess there will be a "AIBU to call the police now" thread in 3 weeks time ;)

OP posts:
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