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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about house guest?

84 replies

Caliphora · 17/09/2011 23:52

Really nervous posting here - go gently on me!

A few weeks ago we offered our friend our spare room until 15th October, as she's starting a new job up here this coming week. The conditions were:

  • We're not charging her rent, so she'll find it easier to save up for a deposit and rent on a place mid-October
  • We will need £10 for gas, as we're on a meter and a budget, too.
  • No visitors after 11pm. I am 34 weeks pregnant, and need my rest - DP is a shift worker and needs to have peace and quiet.
  • No house parties. DP and I are 31, we've done the all nighters we need until the baby arrives...
  • She has to help out with communal chores.

She's 22, and a lovely girl, but here are a few reasons why I'm worried:

  • She's coming up here on a budget. I had to sit down with her and make that budget because "Money is so hard to figure out"... Her first week here she'll have £19 for food, tobacco and travel, so I'm worrying we'll have to feed her too (which would not be a problem if she asks us about it, but previous experience tells me it will be a last minute "Oh I'm so hungry" pity fest...)
  • She is reckless with money - you'll see a theme. She is very immature with finance as she's been living off "bank of mum and dad" for years.
  • Her first action when she found out she'd got the job was to arrange a party in a privately owned field opposite my house. When I asked where people would sleep and use the toilet etc, she did a "Oh, yeah, your house?". See condition 4...
  • She's already lived in several houses in her current home town, and amassed various debts with her former house mates. Now, I've pre-empted this by saying "Don't worry about rent or bills" - but it still makes me a bit on edge.
  • I've told her she needs to be out by 15th October, but I'm eyeing up her salary and thinking there's no way she'll get together a deposit and first month's rent from what she's earning in the first month (£6.50/hour, 40 hours - about £208/week net)

What do I do if I'm 2 weeks away from my due date (31st October) and she goes "I have no where to live, can I stay please?"
What do I do when she spends all her money and we end up having to pay for her food?

AIBU to think that I shouldn't have agreed to this, and that she's going to drive me up the walls?

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 18/09/2011 10:27

I wouldn't have thought it would be too difficult to sort out deposit/first month's rent for a place if she goes for a bedsit rather than a flat....

FetchezLaVache · 18/09/2011 10:46

PS If she spends all her deposit money on raves and ends up with nowhere to live, it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. I think you need to make it clear to her from the start that that is your position. I'd bet my eye teeth she has been enabled a lot in the past and that she would actually shape up if she knew that you were going to be hardline about this, so please think and talk in terms of her leaving on the 15th being a done deal. Otherwise she will press your buttons like mad to be allowed to stay.

What's your DH's take on all this btw?

PorkChopSter · 18/09/2011 10:47

No no and more no.

However reasonable you are, she's going to push you to your limits.

You are never going to have this time of being pregnant again. Just and DH. The wallowing. The nesting. If there's a next time you'll have DC1 badgering you. Having someone else in the house at this point would drive me mad.

Original poster
Caliphora · 18/09/2011 14:15

Fetchez

  1. Of course not - she just assumed she could do it.
  2. People from around here that she knows through us - see below for the complication here.
  3. I told her that it was inevitable that they would use our house so:
  4. I made her move it somewhere else. She then turned around and said "Oh, but I don't want to leave you out, that's why I planned it in the field" I told her that I was ok being left out if it meant I could have a clean house.

DH is tearing his beard over her shenanigans. He's got no patience for her, so I'm hoping he'll be my strong hand in this. He's already offered to be the bad guy and kick her out.

This is one problem: I don't want her drama effecting our mutual friendships up here. She already made the request for her to help with housework out to be a big deal - I almost felt guilty that I had set that stipulation!
So, when I inevitably kick her out, I will be the mean person. If I call her now, tell her the deal is off, I will be the evil one.

I can't win!

OP posts:
Gissabreak · 18/09/2011 14:20

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Gissabreak · 18/09/2011 14:22

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Original poster
Caliphora · 18/09/2011 14:23

Oakmaiden We looked at her income again last night - Over the three weeks, she'll earn £480. Take traintickets, food etc etc out of that £480... She says she can limit it to £10 for food for a week (ha!), it's £24/week for a train ticket - that's £378 saved towards a house by the 15th October - but no room for parties, travel to her boyfriend, no tobacco, no lunches in town etc etc.

£378 will cover the rent, but not a deposit. I pointed this out to her and she said "yeah... Do you think I could ask them (places she's looking at) to waiver the deposit?" She'd also looked at a place that wasn't available until the 22nd - I pointed this out and her reply: "I know... let's see if I can work out something for six days, shall we"...

Oh dear reader, I'm such a mug, aren't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Caliphora · 18/09/2011 14:26

(She also touches my belly to talk to the baby and it drives me insane)

OP posts:
PorkChopSter · 18/09/2011 14:27

Yes! As you say, it's going to end badly if you say no now; and badly when you kick her out later - save yourself the hassle and say no now!

Invent a pregnancy issue - high bp, SPD, scary BH, whatever ...

Gissabreak · 18/09/2011 14:28

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ChippingIn · 18/09/2011 14:32

If you can't win - then lose now Grin

Put a stop to it before it starts. Tell her that your midwife has said it looks like the baby will be here early, that you need bed rest and a quiet house & that you are not to have people stay. End of.

She has parents - let them worry about her/her deposit/her rent.

It is not your problem and she's not even going to be grateful for your help

Stop being a mug for someone who is just going to walk all over you.

ivykaty44 · 18/09/2011 14:33

Yes you can win

You call her and tell her the deal is off and be the evil one

Or you lose and have four weeks of nightmare hell and then kick her out and be the evil one

can you see which of the above is far far less painful for you...?

WhoWhoWhoWho · 18/09/2011 14:39

I agree with ChippingIn's post, say no now, blame it on impending baby hormones or DP if you have to but do it sooner or later. Do NOT lt her come stay, you will never be rid and will fall out spectacularly when you are finaly rid of her. Much better for her to have a strop/sulk now and you've no more stressing about it.

You need to be relaxing and enjoying the last few weeks of it being just the two of you, not putting up with a spoilt, self centred, selfish house guest.

QuickLookBusy · 18/09/2011 14:47

Agree that you should NOT let her move in at all.

This girl is going to cause you so much stress and you do not need that weeks before your baby is due.

I can guarentee if you let this girl move in you will end up wanting to murder herGrin. That is not a good thing for a mum to be.

Bloodymary · 18/09/2011 15:32

When is she due to turn up OP?

BranchingOut · 18/09/2011 15:43

Don't do it. You are going to have a baby. This is the last thing you need.

NO, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

The next few months, years (decades?) will be all about putting the baby first. Put yourself first.

Say no.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/09/2011 15:55

She sounds really immature and totally clueless about the realities of life (who truly believes that a landlord will waive a deposit?). There is no way she will have a deposit ready by the time you want her out and I can see her trying to tap you for it nearer the time. You'll be tempted to give her money just to get her out.

I would invent some health reason why she cannot stay.

The thing is you are at very different life stages, so there is no way this can work out well. You are not all living in a shared student house - this is your home and you have a baby coming. Put a stop to it now, while you can still get oout of it relatively easily.

Graciescotland · 18/09/2011 16:03

Cancel, cancel now. I had someone living with us when DS was born for the first six weeks. Twas a pain in the arse.

Do not put yourself in that position.

Earlybird · 18/09/2011 16:12

Tell her the plan has to change, and blame it on your pregnancy.

Tell her she can stay a few days - a week max if you think you/dh can stand it. Say that you would normally offer the whole time (as you have done), but upon further reflection yu offered impulsively (with all good intentions), and hadn't fully taken into consideration how different things are now that you're heavily pregnant.

If she has so many friends in the area, some of them should be willing to put her up. And perhaps they are better suited to handle/tolerate her immaturity.

DontGoCurly · 18/09/2011 16:17

I'm actually almost speechless at what a bad idea this is! Speechless!

OP, this is one of the most ill-advised plans I have ever heard of! She is a known freeloader and runs up debts all over and is known for parasiting off her parents and you've invited her into your home while you are pregnant!

You must be actually mad! There are so many red flags all over this I don't know where to start.

It is so predictable what will happen. She sees you're a pushover. She will disregard all your rules, disrespect your neighbours, disrespect your space, she will cause friction between you and your husband, she will be difficult to get out, she will moan about everything.

The only reason you are doing this is because you are afraid of looking like the bad guy! Ha! That's ridiculous. For a start what does the word of a 22 year old freeloader matter. Everyone will be able to see right through her.

Retract the invitation. Tell her you hadn't thought it through and it won't work for you. Otherwise prepare from the guest from hell.

Oh and another thing, you must be mad bringing a 22 year old female under the same roof as your husband, mad!

SaggyHairyArse · 18/09/2011 16:30

You have just about enough time to move house between now and then...um, seriously, this sounds like such a bad idea!

I wouldn't make up any codswollop about the Dr saying this and that and the other to you, I would tell her that you have decided she can't stay because you gave her specific conditions i.e. no visitors after 11pm and no house guests and she has already broken those rules by planning a house party and for assumming her friends could stay over.

And that you are in the late stages of pregnancy and you are not prepared to have to deal with this just before you have your baby anymore. You hoped she would take it a bit more seriously but she isn't and so, sorry, but you are withdrawing your offer.

Wake up and smell the coffee (don't say that bit...)!

pigletmania · 18/09/2011 16:34

Look op I know I sound harsh, but please grow a backbone! Don't let her stay, she is the type of person who will be very difficult to remove and will take the piss. why on earth you let her stay is beyond me!

bringbacksideburns · 18/09/2011 17:02

Is she already living with you?

It's a really bad idea. You will be knackered by the end of the pregnancy and will need all the rest you can get before the baby is born - the last thing you should be thinking about is an overgrown teenager who is actually a fully grown woman.

I'm surprised her own parents haven't offered you something for putting her up. Sounds like she's a bit of a liabilty tbh. Stand firm.

Andrewofgg · 18/09/2011 17:14

JUST SAY NO or rather let DH say no for all the reasons set out here. Don't allow a few days; don't allow one days. JUST SAY NO AND MEAN IT!

Gissabreak · 18/09/2011 17:17

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