to not want this person to stay at our house

[ohbabybaby]

I don't know anymore if I am being ridiculous and all pfb/p2b and a nasty DIL, or if I am quite justified in my views.

FIL has always (AFAIK) been emotionally and physically abusive to MIL, and very very controlling. Last year this culminated in a particularly nasty attack which left MIL in hospital. When in hospital the doctors saw various other cuts, bruises, burns - all caused by FIL. I had always been aware that some of this went on, but I think this made me realise that it wasn't just occassional, it was constant and had been for many many years, and that DH has lived with this growing up. Luckily MIL was persuased to leave FIL and now lives happily in sheltered housing.

DH does not love FIL, does not feel he gave him any love or looked after him in any way growing up, but feels a sense of duty. We live about 300miles away (thank goodness).

As far as I know FIL has only been violent to one other person, one of his daughers, when she was in her late teens. (The others all left home as soon as possible). He is however very paranoid, takes against family members and imagines they are plotting against him etc (even a granddaughter when she was aged 7!). He has definately got mental health issues, was hospitalised once many years ago, the family tried to get him seen to recently but the doctor concluded there was nothing that could be helped by medication.

So, my rather selfish problem is... I don't want him to come and stay with us. Ever. I do not think that I should have to have someone who has shown themselves to be a violent person staying in my home with our children (toddler and small baby). I am pretty sure he would never do anything to hurt them but it is more the principal of the thing. I told DH this when it all happened, but now it is proposed FIL stay for a week or so which will leave me several days alone with FIL while DH is at work (I am on mat leave). And no doubt this would be followed by probably 2 visits of a week every year.

I don't know if I am being U or not. And I freely admit that I don't like him as a person, quite apart from all this, and neither he nor MIL are easy guests - have to be waited on hand and foot, so maybe I am using this as an excuse.

By the way, I have changed one small but important detail, not to play you, but to get unbiased responses, I will come back and correct that soon.

Thank you for your time, sorry that was long.

Your MIL is a sadist who picks onthose weaker than her. She should not be near your baby.

Your DH and SIL will have been damaged by their mother and they need to understand how damaged they are. The basic obvious damage is that they think it is ok to be around a sadist, and they still want her approval, though they will never get it, as MIL wants to torture and create suffering.
As there is a family history of sadism/toture as an acceptable way of dealing with spouses and children I think there is a likelihood that SIL and your DH may well repeat the patterns, even subconciously. Your MIL sees people as objects to bend to her will, and she doesn't love them, no matter what they think or what she says. She has denied them as people. This is why I recommended the Alice Miller book.

I know this is a very difficult situation. I would not have her staying. If DH wants her to come and visit it must only be when he is present in the house, not when he is away on business and no overnights at all.

We have a bit of a similar situation with my father and he only comes under sufferance with my DM as she wouldn't leave him and won't come to celebrations without him, but he definitely doesn't stay overnight and we are very careful even now about him being around the DC even though they are teenagers now.

Recently, my youngest DB, who has always been more on my father's side, had experience of how father speaks to DC, but this time it was DB's DC. That made him realise what we all had been saying.

I would stick to my guns and be very, very vigilant if you do allow her to come and visit (not stay) and make sure that an adult is in the room at all times with the DC. Do not allow her to be alone for even one second with the DC.

Out of your home, out of your lives unless DH wants to write to her.

You have the right to not want to be around her. It is not upto your SIL, as others have said, the person that went through the abuse cannot be the one to decide what is acceptable for others, as it clouds your judgement.

Unless worked through having a mother who is abusive is very confusing, to say the least. You can still feel the maternal bond but at the same time despise them for your lack of a real childhood. There is a part of you that sometimes questions whether it really happened.

I have forgiven my mother, she is somewhat a different person, now that she is elderly, but she was never allowed unsupervised around my DD's, that has only happened when my youngest was 11 and after lots of honest talking. She has admitted that she was wrong and knows that she doesn't behave in certain ways around me or mine. In her case there isn't any MH problems, merely personality issues.

Unless this is out and in the open, so you know that it won't happen again, then she shouldn't be gaining access to your DC's.

What Hatti said. Don't let SIL bully you, either. Nope.

Thank you again for your advice, you've given me some different things to think about too.

I would never ever leave DCs alone with MIL by the way, hasn't been an issue to date as DS1 has been totally clingy (plus he doesn't like her!), but that will be harder now I have 2.

Miggsie - I will look up that book, thanks. My BIL and one SIL I think do repeat the behaviour pattern of their father (very passive, a controlling partner etc), but luckily I see no one in the family showing her traits.

Rookiemater - apologies again for changing the FIL/MIL round in the OP, I honestly thought that some people may give a different answer if it was the other way round, when I believe the answer should be the same (I'm not explaining myself well on this, sorry).

Blu - yes shame she was not prosecuted. The doctors and social services wanted to call the police, DH wanted that done too, at the very least to give MIL some idea of the gravity of what she had done (she really doesn't get it - in the last assault she damaged him internally so she didn't understand that she had really hurt him, let alone could have killed him), but FIL would not involve the police. I think everyone was satisfied by the fact that he was leaving her and attention was diverted to rehousing him. I also wonder if it would have been different if he had been a woman.

YANBU. The woman would have no relationship with my children at all. Not even in a highly supervised situation.

Show your DH this thread to possibly help him understand the seriousness of it and other peoples reactions.

yanbu, not in the slightest.

i have an abusive FIL. he hit his ex-wife(mil), hit the woman he left her for, and beat up the next girlfriend so badly she nearly died, there was blood all over his house. dh, sil and mil clean up the blood and sweep everything under the carpet.

many years later he is 'a changed man'(haha, suuuure) and i am persuaded, against by better judgement, to stay at his house when we visit.
first incident 3yo ds is having a tantrum, dh gives up and comes down stairs, i go up and find fil shaking him, not hard but still!, and telling him off. so i take ds off him and go elsewhere, seething.
second incident, the years of my obvious dislike of fil come to a head and he flips out, trashing the house and shouting and screaming, all in front of ds.

dh finally gets it that his dad is an npd arse and we leave, never to return.

none of my children will have anything to with that wife beating fucker ever again.

YANBU - your poor FIL.

There is no way on this earth that woman would step into my house. How can she behave that way and think its normal acceptable behaviour. :(

Yanbu

I wouldn't have her in my life let alone my home.