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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want this person to stay at our house

60 replies

ohbabybaby · 16/09/2011 10:19

I don't know anymore if I am being ridiculous and all pfb/p2b and a nasty DIL, or if I am quite justified in my views.

FIL has always (AFAIK) been emotionally and physically abusive to MIL, and very very controlling. Last year this culminated in a particularly nasty attack which left MIL in hospital. When in hospital the doctors saw various other cuts, bruises, burns - all caused by FIL. I had always been aware that some of this went on, but I think this made me realise that it wasn't just occassional, it was constant and had been for many many years, and that DH has lived with this growing up. Luckily MIL was persuased to leave FIL and now lives happily in sheltered housing.

DH does not love FIL, does not feel he gave him any love or looked after him in any way growing up, but feels a sense of duty. We live about 300miles away (thank goodness).

As far as I know FIL has only been violent to one other person, one of his daughers, when she was in her late teens. (The others all left home as soon as possible). He is however very paranoid, takes against family members and imagines they are plotting against him etc (even a granddaughter when she was aged 7!). He has definately got mental health issues, was hospitalised once many years ago, the family tried to get him seen to recently but the doctor concluded there was nothing that could be helped by medication.

So, my rather selfish problem is... I don't want him to come and stay with us. Ever. I do not think that I should have to have someone who has shown themselves to be a violent person staying in my home with our children (toddler and small baby). I am pretty sure he would never do anything to hurt them but it is more the principal of the thing. I told DH this when it all happened, but now it is proposed FIL stay for a week or so which will leave me several days alone with FIL while DH is at work (I am on mat leave). And no doubt this would be followed by probably 2 visits of a week every year.

I don't know if I am being U or not. And I freely admit that I don't like him as a person, quite apart from all this, and neither he nor MIL are easy guests - have to be waited on hand and foot, so maybe I am using this as an excuse.

By the way, I have changed one small but important detail, not to play you, but to get unbiased responses, I will come back and correct that soon.

Thank you for your time, sorry that was long.

OP posts:
Dawndonna · 16/09/2011 10:22

I would not allow anyone with an ongoing history of violence in a house with children or a pregnant woman.

TidyDancer · 16/09/2011 10:22

No fucking way are you unreasonable.

I wouldn't have contact with that bastard, let alone allow him into the house!

HTH.

DragonsEx · 16/09/2011 10:23

Could your husband not take a week off work while he stays with you?
For sure if he has to stay, then I wouldn't be waiting on him hand and foot, hope you get it sorted out though :)

DragonsEx · 16/09/2011 10:23

Although I definetly wouldn't have him in my house :(

RJRabbit · 16/09/2011 10:24

There'd be a snowball's chance in hell of me letting someone like that in my house anywhere near my kids.
Regardless of whose father he is, if either you or your partner don't want someone there, then that's the ruling as far as I'm concerned.

emsyj · 16/09/2011 10:25

YANBU. If he really wants to visit he can stay in a hotel and meet up with your DH separately. I would not allow DD any contact with him at all (pfb).

Having anyone stay for a week is hard work - let alone a man who has been consistently violent to his family for years.

VFVF · 16/09/2011 10:25

Absolutely no way would he cross my threshold

fanjobanjowanjo · 16/09/2011 10:26

YADNBU. Do everything you can to avoid this man being in your house. If your DH insists he stay, then you stay elsewhere for the duration. DO NOT be left alone with him.

DreamsOfSteam · 16/09/2011 10:26

If your DH wants to spend time with him then he should go stay with him. I would not be happy to stay in a house alone with him, and concidering his behaviour in the past towards your DH's mother I am surprised that your DH would be happy to allow this.

GodKeepsGiving · 16/09/2011 10:26

I don't think you are being remotely unreasonable. Besides the issue of your disliking him, the potential effects on your husband and your children could be severe. Could you encourage your husband to help him find somewhere more suitable, thus mutually fulfilling his obligations to his father and to you? It would be extremely unfortunate if your father-in-law creates a new set of issues for your family to deal with. If your husband doesn't love him and his siblings rapidly left home then I think it would be more unreasonable to allow him to stay. Your children's needs are paramount.

Kladdkaka · 16/09/2011 10:26

You the husband? Bringing a man like this into your home is being totally unreasonable. If you were my husband, I'd leave you.

meravigliosa · 16/09/2011 10:27

OP, I am guessing wildly that you may have swapped MIL and FIL in your post, and it shouldn't matter. Who has proposed that MIL or FIL come and stay for a week? Is it your DH? Are you really satisfied that there is no risk of violence to yourself or your children? I think you can legitimately treat this is as an issue of principle and refuse. If you do decide to allow this person to stay with you, you must make sure that you DH takes time off to deal with him/her, particularly if this stay is at your DH's suggestion.

toddlerama · 16/09/2011 10:29

Is the detail that you have swapped MIL and FILs roles? I would still say 'no'. You definitely don't need to invite a violent person into your home under any circumstances, regardless of gender.

Mitmoo · 16/09/2011 10:29

Id be damned well annoyed at the DH for suggesting this abusive man is anywhere near his wife and children particularly when he's not even there.

It wouldn't even be a discussion, just a straight "not a chance".

rookiemater · 16/09/2011 10:30

YANBU I would not allow FIL in my house either particularly with very young children.
If DH really wants to see him then he should arrange a B&B or something similar but tbh I can't see what any of you will get from having this person in your lives. I understand it is your DH's Dad but surely the fact that he hospitalised your mother means that at best he would want to have an arms length relationship with him
Do not allow this man in your house.

freybean · 16/09/2011 10:31

no way in hell would i let anyone like that in my house!

then again this is coming from the person that has banned bil because he fuck off and has no contact with his kids

emsyj · 16/09/2011 10:31

PS Missed the 'have to be waited on hand and foot' - this would be quite enough for me to say 'no way', frankly. Unless DH wanted to take the week off work and wait on him himself. And pay for me and the DCs to go on holiday for the week. Otherwise, no go.

MissVerinder · 16/09/2011 10:32

No way on God's green earth would that man be staying in my house. No-one, male, female, young, old or whatever would stay with my children in my house with a history like that.

I think, to be fair, the idea of him staying in a hotel and DH meeting him is ok- as long as he doesn't expect to be spending any a lot of time in your house.

If my DH even suggested that, I would be quite cross, and if he insists- then you make it clear to him that for the duration, you and the children will be residing elsewhere.

SansaLannister · 16/09/2011 10:32

NO.

It's being 'proposed'? By whom?

If I were your husband there is zero way I'd want this man in my home, much less around my pregnant wife and young child alone.

Is he crazy.

Put your foot down, NOW. NO, No, NO.

StickyGhost · 16/09/2011 10:32

Can't add anything new, except to add my support to the DO NOT have this person in ur house, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all!

DogsBestFriend · 16/09/2011 10:32

It simply wouldn't happen. I would start by telling my FIL that he was not and never will be welcome in my house or children. Then I would tell my DH the same. There would be no discussion. There would be no argument. If DH didn't like it he could leave and find a house somewhere else.... and he still wouldn't be having my children anywhere near FIL.

This isn't the sort of issue I'd even stop to talk about, it just would not happen.

hellhasnofury · 16/09/2011 10:35

If your DH wants his father to stay for a week I propose DH packs his bag and goes to stay with his father. A man such as your FIL would not be welcome in my home and he would have very limited contact with his grandchildren.

sistersootica · 16/09/2011 10:35

YANBU at all.

limetrees · 16/09/2011 10:37

Fucking hell! No way are you being unreasonable. FIL would not be welcome in my house ever if he did that.

Is your DH actually proposing that FIL should stay? Has he lost his mind?

FIL sounds like he belongs in prison.

AllGoodNamesGone · 16/09/2011 10:37

YANBU. I wouldn't be mad keen on having any relative of DH to stay for a week while DH swanned off to work leaving me to entertain them, let alone a vile individual like this one.

I can't believe your DH is even suggesting leaving you alone with him. What if he did turn violent against you?

Nope, no way. If your DH really feels the need to see him then he goes, alone, to stay with FIL for the weekend.