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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want this person to stay at our house

60 replies

ohbabybaby · 16/09/2011 10:19

I don't know anymore if I am being ridiculous and all pfb/p2b and a nasty DIL, or if I am quite justified in my views.

FIL has always (AFAIK) been emotionally and physically abusive to MIL, and very very controlling. Last year this culminated in a particularly nasty attack which left MIL in hospital. When in hospital the doctors saw various other cuts, bruises, burns - all caused by FIL. I had always been aware that some of this went on, but I think this made me realise that it wasn't just occassional, it was constant and had been for many many years, and that DH has lived with this growing up. Luckily MIL was persuased to leave FIL and now lives happily in sheltered housing.

DH does not love FIL, does not feel he gave him any love or looked after him in any way growing up, but feels a sense of duty. We live about 300miles away (thank goodness).

As far as I know FIL has only been violent to one other person, one of his daughers, when she was in her late teens. (The others all left home as soon as possible). He is however very paranoid, takes against family members and imagines they are plotting against him etc (even a granddaughter when she was aged 7!). He has definately got mental health issues, was hospitalised once many years ago, the family tried to get him seen to recently but the doctor concluded there was nothing that could be helped by medication.

So, my rather selfish problem is... I don't want him to come and stay with us. Ever. I do not think that I should have to have someone who has shown themselves to be a violent person staying in my home with our children (toddler and small baby). I am pretty sure he would never do anything to hurt them but it is more the principal of the thing. I told DH this when it all happened, but now it is proposed FIL stay for a week or so which will leave me several days alone with FIL while DH is at work (I am on mat leave). And no doubt this would be followed by probably 2 visits of a week every year.

I don't know if I am being U or not. And I freely admit that I don't like him as a person, quite apart from all this, and neither he nor MIL are easy guests - have to be waited on hand and foot, so maybe I am using this as an excuse.

By the way, I have changed one small but important detail, not to play you, but to get unbiased responses, I will come back and correct that soon.

Thank you for your time, sorry that was long.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 16/09/2011 10:38

Absolutely no way would this person be coming into my house. In fact they would not be part of my or my children's life at all (and that applies whatever gender they happen to be).

corygal · 16/09/2011 10:40

Don't let FIL in. B&B or hotel, where he will no doubt behave charmingly.

Jill72 · 16/09/2011 10:40

Do not let this man into your life never mind your house - these people are expert manipulators - it's how they operate - I would worry that if he has lost access to his long term mainstay for abuse, (his wife), he may well be consciously or unconsciously looking for a new outlet!! You have every right to refuse - he is not important in your lives.

Ormirian · 16/09/2011 10:42

No you aren't.

Miggsie · 16/09/2011 10:43

You and your DH need to read "the truth will set you free" by Alice Miller which discusses the affects of abuse on children and the adults they become.
You FIL is a damaged individual who acts out his damage on those around him. He also feels women and children are there to be attacked and abused. He does not have any empathy and sees violence as a valid way of expressing himself.
Do not let him in the house.

Original poster
ohbabybaby · 16/09/2011 10:44

Thanks, and yes the detail I have changed is that it is my MIL who is abusive not my FIL. When she hurt FIL so badly last year I honestly thought that she would now be out of our lives, and I do wonder if she would have been if she had been the husband and not the wife, though I personally think it makes no difference.

It has been proposed by a SIL I think, she does tend to arrange things and then present it to us as a done deal.

Trouble is that although DH and SILs know their upbringing wasn't right and normal, I think they just don't understand how far from acceptable it is. They also place some of the blame on FIL (who is very annoying and there was an element of co-dependency I think, but obviously this does not give anyone the right to hit him), and again I think they would see it differently if it was their mother being hurt.

I'm not pregnant by the way, on Mat leave for the 3mo baby. Not that that makes any difference to the answers on this.

Thanks for your advice, it gives me more confidence in standing my ground.

OP posts:
Blu · 16/09/2011 10:47

He burned your MIL?

Really, really horrible.

I wonder how MIL will feel to see this man given a week's hospitality in your home and access to her grandchildren?

I can understand your DH having residual loyalty and contact with his Dad - parental ties are very very hard to break, whatever happens. You would BU to want to block all contact between your DH and his Dad, but completely unacceptable for you to ever have to host him alone even for one cup of tea. He's DH's Dad, not fair for you to have to have this man in the house while you are on maternity leave.

If he comes he should stay in a local B&B and only see the DCs when your DH is with him.

I am all for being tolerant and plenty of live and let live and understanding where families afre concerned, but if I were expected to host someone like this on my own while looking after a baby I would up sticks with the kids and go and stay with my own Mum til he had gone!

harassedandherbug · 16/09/2011 10:47

No way! It makes no difference that it's actually MIL....... violence is violence and it's unacceptable.

My xh was voilent to me, and although he sees our children, I won't have him anywhere near dd.

Blu · 16/09/2011 10:48

Ah = x-posted. I wondered if it was in fact MIL who was abusive.

It makes no difference. The idea of her wanting to cuddle your baby, and you have to sit there with her all day is horrible.

Blu · 16/09/2011 10:50

Also, once she is 'in' the nasty dramas will probably start. If she can start trouble about one 7 year old, she can start trouble with / over your children. Steer as far clear as possible.

BaronessBomburst · 16/09/2011 10:51

I agree with the poster who said that you need to tell MIL that she is not, and will never be, welcome to set foot in your house. That will get it all out into the open and should stop SIL trying to make any arrangements for you. Sorry, but your DH needs a reality check. Maybe you should show him the thread so that he realises that this sort of behaviour is not normal, and not excusable.

emsyj · 16/09/2011 10:52

MIL/FIL makes no difference. No violent person in my home with my children, thank you very much. No way.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/09/2011 10:54

Well, if you didn't change those details, it was a bit more than "he was annoying so she hit him", wasn't it? She'd been pretty consistently torturing him. There's no particular reason to go easy on her because she's "only" a woman - she hurt her husband so badly he had to be taken into hospital.

I expect you would have had a few different replies if you'd not reversed the genders at the beginning, but only from people who can't imagine mothers as anything other than sweet little old ladies! It probably makes some difference that it's a mad woman rather than a mad man who would be left alone with you and two small children, but not enough. You said she has taken against a child before.

Your SIL is barking and I hope your DH is ready to stand with you against this monstrous intrusion.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 16/09/2011 11:06

YANBU Do not let your MIL anywhere near your DC, or in your home.

Tell your SIL to get lost, your MIL can stay with her if she's so concerned.

Violence is wrong no matter whom the perpetrator.

mummytime · 16/09/2011 11:09

YANBU (and I have read to the end). Please get and make your DH read the book recommended earlier.

I wouldn't let this woman into my house, much less stay.

You may think she is very unlikely to hurt you or your children BUT think just how would you feel if she did? Could you live with that guilt? What if you let her back into your lives, and she never physically harms your lives, but when you child is older it becomes apparent that she has harmed them psychologically/emotionally.

She has damaged your DH and his sisters. They need to get counselling. Maybe you can tell your DH, this is a condition of you even talking about resuming contact with her? When we have children, especially at times of stress, we often come out with things our parents did or said; if your DH doesn't deal with the past, this could be something from his mother or his father, would this be helpful?

KeepInMind · 16/09/2011 11:11

Do not let this vile woman in to your home or your family life.

If you SIL is so worried about her staying with people she should have her.

aldiwhore · 16/09/2011 11:15

YANBU

It makes no difference to me what gender the abuser is, and though I wouldn't refuse to 'allow' my DH contact with his mother (they're very often complex relationships) she wouldn't be welcome in the house.

I think you need to stand firm on this. Good luck.

exoticfruits · 16/09/2011 11:18

I don't think that you are being selfish. Stand firm.

rookiemater · 16/09/2011 11:18

Sorry am confused it is your MIL that is the abuser not your FIL? There seems to be a spate of posters changing details or posting as other people for no good reason, although to be fair to you you did mention it in the OP

Why did you think it would make a difference ?

HattiFattner · 16/09/2011 11:27

I feel for your DH - he is between a rock and a hard place. He will always love his mum, regardless of how vile she is. And he loves you and his child. :(

However, I would concur that, given her history of violence, she may not stay with you and she may only be there when your DH is there. You do not have to entertain this woman. Nor should you ever let her be alone with your child. I have visions of her pinching the child to wake him/her.

This kind of cruelty has a certain level of premeditation about it, and now her husband is out of the way, maybe she is looking to pick up a new (male) victim in the guise of your DH.

Oh and tell SIL when she pays the mortgage, the utilities, the food and you, then she can arrange your life. Until that day, she can wind her neck in.

Blu · 16/09/2011 11:28

I am surprised your MIL was not prosecuted for domestic violence after your FIL was hospitalised and found to have historical injuries too. What went on there? I bet she would have been prosecuted or the police alerted by the hospital if she ha dbeen a man!

This is NO business of your SIl's, to suggest what goes on in your household!

Blu · 16/09/2011 11:28

Good post, Hatti.

Snorbs · 16/09/2011 11:32

I'd certainly not have such a person under my roof under any circumstances. YADNBU.

The one thing I would suggest, though, is to frame this as a general boundary rather than a specific issue with MIL. Eg, if you say "I don't want MIL in the house" then that casts it as a personal problem between you and MIL which detracts attention away from the real issue and also opens you up to accusations that you just don't like your DH's family etc.

Instead, I'd recommend framing this as a boundary that applies to anyone and everyone - eg, "Violent abusers are not welcome in my house. No exceptions." That makes it less about the person and much more about the specific behaviour that is so unacceptable. If you then keep it to the fact that you will not allow any violent abusers in your house regardless of who they are or who they may be related to, it's much harder to argue against.

Snorbs · 16/09/2011 11:39

"who" --> "whom", of course.

DamselInDisarray · 16/09/2011 11:48

To be honest, I wouldn't simply be saying that she (or anyone else with a history of abuse) wasn't allowed in my house. I'd be making it very clear indeed that she was to have nothing to do with my children whatsoever. Ever.

If I were in your situation, I'd tell DH that what he chooses to do is his own business but that there would be absolutely no contact between the children or me and his mother. None at all, either in my house or outside it.

Your DH (and his sister) will have deep psychological issues from growing up with all this crap, and I'd imagine that he finds it impossible to judge the situation objectively. That is exactly why you need to step and and protect yourself and your children from a genuine threat.