Mum A or Mum B

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

Mum A and mum B are both at the school were their dcs attend and are listening to a talk about some changes that are happening within the school. The person giving the talk asks that anyone with a noisy child/baby take them outside. It's difficult to hear in the room at times, as there are quite a few little one's and a slightly mumbling speaker.

Both mums have a 2yo(+) aged child. The 2 children are sort of arguing a bit over who has what chair, one of those silly non arguments that children that age have. One says this is my chair and the other says this is my chair. They are both right as they are talking about their own chairs, toddlers eh!

Mum A is telling her child to shh occassionally but isn't that concerned although her child is pretty loud. Mum B is doing the same although her child is actually being fairly quite but by arguing back (even quietly) is winding up mum A child and making it worse.

So mum B quietly tells her child to stop arguing and to play with his toy. Child quietens. Child of mum A does not but mum not worried about it and is trying to ignore her child.

Every now and then the same thing happens and mum B does something to try to stop the kids arguing (reminding her child to just play quietly and not worry about other child and trying various things) and moves her child further away which helps for a while with her child, but child of A doesn't stop making screeching noises.

Towards end of meeting, mum B reminds child one last time to be quiet so she can hear the important info being given out. Mum A says to mum B "just leave them alone, let them get on with it, they are just kids" (you need to add a "tone of voice" to this of stroppiness and a bit of a dirty look).

Now mum B never spoke to other womans child at all and only ever smiled at the child, definately didn't tell them off or anything.

Who was unreasonable? Mum A who thought they should just get on (apart from a couple of shhhess) with it as after all they are just kids, even though the speaker had asked that they be removed it they were not quiet and everyone was having a bit of trouble hearing over her child?

Or mum B whose child wasn't being that loud but was antagonising the other child and who was trying to defuse the situation between the children by getting her child to play quietly alone for a while?

PS. Was mum A unreasonable for pretty much "telling off" mum B?

(really hoping I got all the As and Bs the right way around)

Fuck me I need to get a job...

Sorry whosgot....you're right, I have a terrible habit of butting into private conversations.

Perhaps you could PM the backstory to animal?

*animula. I really need to investigate how to turn off the auto- check on this thing.

No! I love knowing these things...

Morloth!

JeremyVile I was being tongue in cheek actually. Maybe we need one of those in emoticon too

Im Mum z and used to find at such meetings the Ht would say 'nickschick would you mind opening the parents room and just keeping an eye on child A and child B for a few minutes and Ill update you on the meeting later' why didnt you just smile at mum A and move somewhere else?

CaptainNancy Ok, you asked, animula informs me she's gone for a while so I'll tell Nancy and whoever else is interested instead. Think you may be disappointed now after the build up though . . .

Can't remember what order it happened in exactly but, A's oldest boy, let call him Bob, is in my child's class. My child quite likes him but tells me he is very, very, very naughty and spends a lot of time on the thinking chair.

1. Find Bob wandering round the school 15 mins before school starts. He's on his own. His mum has dropped and run. The school have a policy of older children only being left in playground before school, younger one's are supposed to have a parent/carer (obviously). He is 4 at this point. Noticed him because he was running around smacking other kids in the head with his lunch box (a hard one) and no one is intervening. Someone tells a teacher. The school deal with it, wouldn't know the details as none of my business.

1. Go to a party for the children thrown by one of the parents. All parents/carers are supposed to stay and are asked to on the invite. The person throwing the party has catered a bit for grown ups too. Bob turns up with mum. Host invites them in. Mum says "go on then" to Bob and turns to leave. Host points out that she's meant to stay, A says she isn't staying as she is going to take her youngest home. Host says "but I told you already that you and youngest are both welcome, come in and I'll get you a drink . . .", she hardly gets to finish as mum A is practically running back to the car, saying "no he'll be fine". . .

Some time later notice children crying, didn't really know what was going on. people looking pissed off. Find out later that Bob had attacked some of the children. Kicked one in the face etc and of course mum wasn't there to deal with it. Host did her best but she didn't feel comfortable with it which is why she had insisted that parents stay. When it is time for pick up, mum A knocks on door. Host opens it but mum A won't come in. Host goes to get Bob, while gone mum A asks a woman she knows "how was Bob? you know what he is like!", making it quite clear that she knew he would behave like that. She just left him anyway.

1. At pick up times the teacher often talks to mum A about what Bob has been up to during the day, always telling her how naughty he has been. It's a small pick up area so hard not to hear. Sometimes the teacher sounds truelly shocked by what he has done, usually violent stuff or urinating in the corner of the room . I honestly didn't mean to ear wig but teacher is loud so couldn't avoid it. I have had some issues with my own dcs so am often interested to hear how others deal with their problems as well and at the time was thinking me and A could swap ideas maybe. What shocked me though was that each time Mum A just laughed. Teacher would be trying really hard to get her to take is seriously as she would just laugh and say "yeah you know what he's like".

1. On some of these occassions when he has hurt children or said horrible things it has been directed at my dc so the "yeah you know what he's like" thing grates a bit. My dc just calls him "naughty Bob".

I did wonder if he might have SN and thought that must be really hard to deal with. So the reason I was a bit shocked at the meeting when she said . . .

"just leave them alone, let them get on with it, they are just kids" . . .

. . . is that it would make sense that it's her whole attitude to parenting, not taking it seriously etc and not implimenting the discipline at home that the teacher has been urging her to do as a way of tackling his behaviour overall, not just at school. Consistent approach and all that.

The leaving him in the playground thing though doesn't add up. Maybe she has problems, who knows.

Seriously well done for reading all this!

Yabu.

Goodness! Maybe she is at the stage where she cannot deal with Bob's behaviour any more, and is depressed?
Or maybe she just doesn't care. I don't know... but I would have moved the minute the 2yos started arguing tbh, as IME it would just escalate.
Poor Bob.

Just realised that most people haven't been answering the AIBU question!...

Who was unreasonable? Mum A who thought they should just get on with it...as after all they are just kids...

Or mum B whose child wasn't being that loud...who was trying to defuse the situation between the children by getting her child to play quietly alone...?

PS. Was mum A unreasonable for pretty much "telling off" mum B?

Those were the questions and most people haven't answered them. So who was right? To let the "kids be kids" and be noisy? Or defuse situation and quieten down. And most importantly was she in your opinion within her rights to tell me off for getting my kid to be quiet?

CaptainNancy Yeah it's sad isn't it. She doesn't look depressed by that means fuck all doesn't it. I have been depressed myself and most people didn't know and used to say how well/happy I looked!

So to reiterate. That was why it was an AIBU. I didn't think I should leave as my child wasn't noisy, but, was IBU to feel that she was being unreasonable by telling me off. AND was I unreasonable for being upset at being told off when actually I felt I was doing a more successful job then her. Although she obviously didn't agree otherwise she wouldn't have told me off.

And yes in future I would just move. Didn't want to stand up and move in front of all those people and was trapped as well. Plus my dc was very attached to his chair and I suspected would have started crying about the chair if we moved and then we really WOULD have to leave.

Woah, think I've had too much coffee today!

Anyway I think I have put too much info on this thread so may ask MN to delete it later. Don't want Bobs mum punching me in the face!

I like the name Bob. I wish I'd named my child Bob.

Bob short for Kate perchance?

That has a nice ring to it. And my child is female. :o

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Thu 15-Sep-11 14:23:48
So to reiterate. That was why it was an AIBU. I didn't think I should leave as my child wasn't noisy, but, was IBU to feel that she was being unreasonable by telling me off. AND was I unreasonable for being upset at being told off when actually I felt I was doing a more successful job then her. Although she obviously didn't agree otherwise she wouldn't have told me off.

Bloody hell. I need a gin before I can decipher that.

Ok, YABU to start an AIBU by stealth

She was BU to go off on one at you

YABU to think that I don't know what a discussion is.

IABU to even care who the fuck was being U.

What is this? Mum algebra?

Makes my head hurt.

Speakers at school meetings should have good microphones and shouldn't mumble. They know (or they should know) there are going to be small children there. If a speaker thinks the noise level from the under 2 set is getting too much she should announce that the noise level is too high and ask for parents to take their small children out, then wait while this is done, not just continue.

But it is unreasonable in the first place for a school to expect to convey any important information in an auditorium setting to parents while young children are present. A really silly idea, especially when so many people have internet access.

Want to say, wrt the list of irritating behaviour by the mother of Child A -- parents who host parties for children who are not old enough to behave themselves and thus need adults present should have their heads examined.

If problems with Child A are serious (and peeing in the corner and violent behaviour are serious) then there should be a meeting in the school with the parents summoned to attend and a course of action or assessment agreed upon. It is not the stuff to relate to the parent day after day (after the horse has bolted and she couldn't do anything about it even if she did care) in earshot of everyone else at the school door.

YANBU to think she was rude to you and defensive, and that you were doing the right thing at the school meeting, but this child is being let down by the school (and apparently by his mother).

Hi there I've been mum B in a cinema. Mum A is an old friend who I have disagreed with, laughed with and supported all our kids lives.

So cinema... kids not watching happy feet, about 4 of them all same age, I tell em off and split em up exactly same thing said by mum A and my response was "They are just kids but the rest of the cinema want to watch the film" you can't say that to her as she is obv NOT a friend soooo

she was BU to have a go at you and is just angry at her own selfishness being exposed as you were trying to make sure the meeting wasn't disrupted.

You were obv trying to demonstrate good parenting but really you probably would have been better off telling her kid to sit down and be quiet - she still would have had a go but there'd have been less disruption.

MmeLindor Ok, YABU to start an AIBU by stealth - Why was it by stealth? Dont get it. All I have done is repeat my AIBU reasonable questions (and elaborate slightly) I asked in the OP, not much stealth about that.

mathanxiety I am not sure sure what the school are doing about it. I think there have been meetings. I really don't know, so couldn't say if they are handling it properly or not.

cinnamonswirls Glad I'm not the only one who's been there, although it's not good for you but you know what I mean! Wouldn't have felt comfortable telling her kid off though.