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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that it is far harder for a woman to leave a relationship than for a man to

32 replies

soggy14 · 11/09/2011 23:27

and that lots of women still end up trapped in pretty rotten relationships because they gave up careers etc to have kids/support partners and it is very hard to get back on the career ladder/re-establish yourself. In many cases the male half of a partnership can still leave the reationship fairly unscaved career wise but the womnan can't - even with maintenance the childcare infrastructure is not there to anable many women to re establish themselves career wise

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/09/2011 23:36

YANBU

FabbyChic · 11/09/2011 23:38

To be honest I found it easy, I was already financially independant in every case. The home was already mine, all they had to take were their clothes and DVD's.

yellowraincoat · 11/09/2011 23:40

I wonder if it's not just children/careers, but also that women tend to be, for whatever reason, more emotionally tied to the relationship IYSWIM.

LineRunner · 11/09/2011 23:41

YANBU

MitchiestInge · 11/09/2011 23:44

do men ever want to end relationships? it always seems to be the woman's job

Blu · 11/09/2011 23:47

IF a woman has given up paid work and become a sahm for a significant period of time, yes. And if the couple have not been used to taking shared and equal responsibility for childcare - paental and outsourced.

Have you not all been paying attention to Xenia? She's right on the issues that surround this.

I have not, of course, arranged my own life with a view to splitting up, but as someone who earned (a bit) more than DP when we got together, had my own mortgage house and a strong sense of independence and partnership, we have made equal financial and domestic contributions, so neither of us would be worse off than the other if we split. I do think women who lose thier own earning 'welly' can be vulnerable.

AnyFucker · 11/09/2011 23:48

Men usually want to end relationships when they have another cosy place to park their cock

They rarely end them for any other reason

IMO

missmogwi · 11/09/2011 23:49

YANBU

minimisschief · 12/09/2011 07:24

Yabu you are confusing women with stay at home parents.

jellybeans208 · 12/09/2011 07:32

No cause men lose ther children which is more important than losing money. You still get money in single parent benefits and for a lot of men they wontmake anywhere near as much as the woman would by doing that if they are on a low wage like a lot of men are.

Also if you were a single parent you would get your childcare paid so could find a job

exoticfruits · 12/09/2011 07:35

Anyone who has given up work to stay at home would find it difficult and the one taking the children would find it difficult. It generally happens to be the woman.

Proudnscary · 12/09/2011 07:37

It completely depends on the indivdual circumstances!!!

I am stunned that you are assuming all women 'give up careers' when they start families.

I didn't!

Proudnscary · 12/09/2011 07:38

individual

Whatmeworry · 12/09/2011 07:42

Yabu you are confusing women with stay at home parents

That.

Also, some people (men and women) tend to be more able to let go of emotional investment.

Proudnscary · 12/09/2011 07:45

Well the OP seems to have only been talking in financial/practical terms, not emotional terms and in that case is being WILDLY unreasonable for the presumption that women are all SAHMs!!

exoticfruits · 12/09/2011 08:20

Even if you are a SAHM you could leave by yourself and get a job. The person who has the difficulty is the one who takes the DCs, that does make it difficult, whether you are a man or a woman, even if you are highly paid.
Leaving the DCs is a high emotional cost.
I think that OP is making the assumption that all women have no jobs or incomes and they will be the ones to keep the DCs.
In many families the woman earns more, the father may even be a stay at home Dad. All you can say is that a stay at home parent would find it more difficult.

Wamster · 12/09/2011 08:29

Yanbu to think this way. If it is just an observation, you are right, but the blame lies with the person who let themselves fall into this situation.

By the way, men leave relationship for a variety of reasons not just because of other women.

TrillianAstra · 12/09/2011 08:58

Women are also encouraged to believe that their worth as a person is (to some extent) measured by their ability to catch and keep a man.

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/09/2011 09:34

Surely if you give up a career and rely on another adult to support you then you do that knowing if anything happens you may struggle to financially support yourself be it male or female after so many years out of the job market. Lots of parents continue to work for that very reason.

Men get the raw deal from the courts as custody is usually awarded to the female whereas if 50/50 was given as a starting point more men wouldnt have to stay in unhappy relationships because they fear they will see very little of the children if they end things - something women dont have to worry about.

Whatmeworry · 12/09/2011 09:39

As a small and unrepresentative sample, of the people I know with DCs I counted 7 divorces:

3 men had affairs ( in 1 I dont blame him)
2 women had affairs (in 1 I dont blame her)
1 woman left (probably having affair as shacked up not long afterwards)
1 woman just got fed up with husband and left him

Nevertheless, that's a lot of women ending things.

mayorquimby · 12/09/2011 12:04

Wouldn't agree with your theory. There's different worries.
Of the type of women you are describing (given up career/financially reliant etc) the flip-side for men is losing/reduced contact with their children, having to leave the home, financial responsibilities.

TheBride · 12/09/2011 12:55

If you are married, sometimes you're financially ok having being a SAHM because you can still argue for spousal maintenance as well as maintenance for the DC's and a 50/50 asset split.

If you're not married, this doesn't apply though.

needinstructions · 12/09/2011 13:04

From my observations, people (men or women) rarely seem to leave relationships unless they have a new partner lined up ready. I don't think this necessarily means that the affair is THE reason for the split though, just that people tend not to be brave enough to leave if they think they'll be on their own.

Obviously it helps if you're financially independent but I still think most people have a fear of being alone/lonely or not being able to cope with children on their own/missing them that would override any desire to leave unless you can actually properly envisage the 'new and better' life ahead.

Of course that 'new and better' life may not turn out the way you expect, but it may have been the catalyst for leaving a situation in which you weren't happy. Don't know whether this is a bad or a good thing - probably depends on how serious that problems were in the original relationship.

minxofmancunia · 12/09/2011 13:18

YANBU,

Agree with anyfucker men will only leave when they have an alternative lined up.

Women tend to leave for a variety of reasons, disillusionment, dissatistaction, emotional abuse and neglect, being treated like s**t basically, getting bored etc.etc.

If i was to leave it would be out of an overwhelming desire to be on my own. I would NEVER live with a man again, NEVER have shared finances and probably never commit to a monogamous relationship. I'm somehwhat disillusioned by the whole marriage fairytale. And now I'm part time I'm too skint for a mortgage or even rent. So I'm stuck, and I actually think if I was still independent it would make our relationship better as I'd feel less trapped and therefore less resentful and bitter. I intend to up my earnings and start saving as soon as I can.

I think the reasons celebrities move from relationship to relationship when they decide enough is enough is because they can just jump ship into a new property without any hassle...

Snorbs · 12/09/2011 13:54

[Declaration of interest: I'm a man]

I've ended two relationships and been the one left in two more. In neither of the relationships I ended was there anyone else involved. In the first instance I came to realise that the relationship simply wasn't working and there was no realistic hope that it could. I moved out and lived the life of a single man for about a year before I started another relationship.

In the second instance I ended it due to emotional abuse. It was a hell of a lot harder to end the second than the first as we had DCs together and I was facing the very real prospect of having my contact with them severely curtailed. The main reason I stuck it out in that relationship for so long was fear of losing touch with my children.

In the two situations where I was the one being asked to leave, in one there was someone else involved (on her part) and in the other it was pretty clear it just wasn't working and she simply decided to end it before I did. Fair enough.

Quite frankly the thought of trying to maintain relationships with two women at the same time brings me out in hives. It's hard enough work dealing with one...

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