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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being Followed AIBU?

129 replies

SnapesMistress · 11/09/2011 20:49

I go out most Saturdays to the same club where most of my friends go to as well. The alcohol is very cheap so I am usually halfway drunk when I leave, usually between 2 and 3am.

The route back to my flat takes about 10-15 mins and is well lit with no dodgy back alleys. I always walk back usually with DP and my flatmate.

DP had been away for the last few Saturdays so it has just been me and my flatmate walking there and back or yesterday it was just me since flatmate decided to stay in.

Last week flatmate was exceedingly drunk so had to be physically held up by me on the way back and at once point a car with a bloke in it stopped next to where we were walking, I ignored him and he drove a little further down and stopped as if to wait for us. Thankfulle we managed to turn off before getting to where his car was but I felt very uncomfortable and could not stop looking over my shoulder.

Last night I went out alone and when it was time to go considered asking one of my male friends to walk me home but decided against it. At one point the street I was walking down was totally deserted and a car pulled up alongside me with a bloke in it. He shouted at me but I ignored him and walked on he then pulled up beside me again and shouted at me to look at him. I did and he asked if I wanted a life home. I declined (twice) and he then drove off. Again I spent the walk home looking over my shoulder.

This sort of thing has happened to me lots in the past few years since moving to the city. AIBU to be scared of these men? Do they honestly think I would be stupid enough to get into thier car? What would happen if someone was too drunk to see the danger and got in? Am I overreacting and they just wanted to offer a girl a lift home with the possibilty of getting her number?

Feel very uneasy about the fact it happens so often.

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 12/09/2011 16:55

Taxi taxi taxi...

Pendeen · 12/09/2011 17:02

From 11 I had to walk down an unlit lane and a main road to the village where the bus to high school stopped, a total of just under 2 miles.

In summer it wasn't too bad but winter evenings after school were a bit depressing especially if it was raining and I got off a nice warm, well lit bus into a dark, cold lane.

But to do that and be drunk as well...it's just asking for trouble.

(OK OK I know it's not strictly comparable to leaving a club in a city when you are 21 but sometimes being vulnerable and incapable is just plain silly).

Insomnia11 · 12/09/2011 17:17

I think being a bit tiddly but in possession of your senses is fine re walking such a route as the OP describes. Being out of it is definitely not a good idea, though on more than one occasion I've had a "How did I get home?" moment waking in the middle of the night so I must have had more than was wise.

A couple of weeks ago in fact though I did get a cab from the station and certainly remember everything the cab driver asked me "Had a good night did we?" Which indicates I may have appeared a little tiddly, and I'm definitely old enough to know better.

heleninahandcart · 12/09/2011 17:47

I know, drunk or sober it is usually impossible to fight a man with intent off.

As previous poster said, distract and run. You can't do either very effectively if drunk.

Call a taxi.

AgentZigzag · 12/09/2011 17:59

I have to disagree with your advice for the OP not to take even the most basic of precautions to keep herself safe SGB.

Whist I agree women are more likely to be assaulted by someone they know, I think it's irresponsible for anyone to brush off the very real risk of getting attacked in the circumstances the OP's described as merely 'misogynistic scaremongering'.

BeaOnSea · 12/09/2011 18:11

I give the same advice to DS1 (19) when coming home from clubs.

Tenacity · 12/09/2011 18:29

poppyswill Your story is very sobering , and is a reminder of what could happen. It must have taken a lot to reveal this for the first time.

mummymccar · 12/09/2011 18:47

Just mentioned this thread to DP who told me something that I hope will help you understand that ANYONE could be attacked.

DP when he was in his 20s got word of a rave taking place not too far from where he was at the time. Not having any money, he decided to take up someone on their offer of a lift. He was driven out of the city and to a remote area of countryside. The guy stopped speaking to him and DP knew he was in trouble so he jumped out of the car whilst it was still moving and hid in a ditch. He stayed there until he decided it was safe and then walked back to the city. It doesn't take a genius to imagine what could have happened. DP is a big guy and would have fought back but even he knows he would have stood no chance against someone who wanted to hurt him.

Don't put yourself in this situation. An attacker isn't looking at what you are wearing, your make-up, your hair, etc. He is looking at what he can get from you.

sneakybeak · 12/09/2011 19:15

SGB - More women take to the streets? After you then.

glitterkitten · 12/09/2011 19:26

SGB would you say the same to your daughter/ sister/ mother?

Nah. Didn't think so.

solidgoldbrass · 12/09/2011 19:35

Yes, I would, and have done. I have been coming home by myself, late at night and quite often drunk for twenty years. Without being assaulted or murdered. Basic safety precautions are: not getting in a strangers' car, sure. Avoiding the dark alley you can't see the other end of, particularly around closing time.
However, asking a male friend to walk you home is statistically MORE risky than walking home alone. As women are mostly raped and beaten by men they know.
THis is why I call this 'Waaah, don't go out at night alone' crap misogynistic scaremongering, because it is misleading to tell women that the greatest danger is unknown men, and it is also about reminding women that they are property, that they are not free, that they should be under a man's control at all times.

BimboNo5 · 12/09/2011 19:40

Bullshit. Teaching kids road safety isnt being hysterical, telling kids not to mess with matches isn't scaremongering, telling anyone that taking basic safety precautions and keeping yourself as safe as possible isn't either, its basic common sense, something too many grown ups sadly lack these days.

solidgoldbrass · 12/09/2011 19:44

'Basic safety precautions' do not include never going out without a keeper, or spending all your spare money on taxis just in case.

Crosshair · 12/09/2011 19:46

glitterkitten · 12/09/2011 19:48

solid I take it your a man hater?

SardineQueen · 12/09/2011 19:52

Agree wholeheartedly with SGB.

Also funny to see the recommendations to get a black cab... John Warboys anyone?

SardineQueen · 12/09/2011 19:54

Also laughing at the idea that advising women not to be so scared of being attacked by men on the street as most men are perfectly fine, amounts to man hating

solidgoldbrass · 12/09/2011 19:55

GLitterkitten: If I hated men, my recommendation would be for women to stay indoors and arm themselves with guns and knives, surely. It;s because I am fully aware that lots of men are lovely and most men not rapists that I think it's ridiculous to tell women they mustn't go out alone at night.

AgentZigzag · 12/09/2011 19:58

I'm sure you'll think I've still got the wool pulled over my eyes if I arf at your suggestion that accepting an offer to walk home with you just shows women are still chattel SGB.

I shall battle on to live with that.

But even though I can see the reasoning behind why you're saying that, especially if you look at the way power and control motivate these types of crime, I think advising a young woman to make a stand against these deviant criminals and carry on as she is, will not change how things are one little bit.

Apart from increasing the risk of the statistics for assaults going up.

MadameDefarge · 12/09/2011 20:01

Glitter, I utterly fail to see how you can extrapolate that SGB hates men based on her posting.

Not logical. Her point, quite reasonably , is that women are conditioned to "hide" themselves at "times of danger" rather than making bloody sure there are no "times of danger".

Yes muggings happen, but I doubt young men stay home of a night worried about it.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 12/09/2011 20:09

Obviously it's an individual choice whether you walk home alone, with friends or by other means. Everything is risky but you have to decide on what you feel happy with.

The OP is clearly a little anxious about recent events, and in light of that I'd suggest another route home. Personally I wouldn't walk home tiddly, but have walked home from the tube station after one or two drinks. My route was along a main road (busy with restaurants/people) and 'nice' well lit residential streets. Clearly not risk free but I felt it was a lower risk than calling a cab (and waiting for it to arrive outside the more remote tube station)

Again, I would always change into flat shoes so I could run if needed or at least make myself a less obvious target. Sadly, I hoped that given a choice, the assailant wouldn't pick me.

glitterkitten · 12/09/2011 20:12

SGB implies;

If you accept a mans offer to walk you home that's subordinate. The man is clearly controlling you blah blah

Your menfolk at home are a risk to you

Men need showing "what for" by women roaming the streets at night ( albeit perhaps that woman is drunk and therefore vulnerable)

Let's not forget the noted increase in girl gangs/ violent crimes committed by women

This thread for me isn't a man v women thing. Being out on the streets, intoxicated, under the cover of darkness with few other people around is risky.

By all mean SGB you volunteer your daughter to make a stand. I'll be giving mine taxi fare

Flisspaps · 12/09/2011 20:25

poppyswill What happened to you was terrible. But please don't say that 'if you take sensible precautions, it won't happen to you' because sadly it still CAN.

I agree (in part) with SGB in that women should be able to walk home, whatever time of night, in whatever state they so choose, without an escort or companion. But unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work that way.

SardineQueen · 12/09/2011 20:26

There are common sense precautions that everyone should follow. Men, women, young people, old people, everyone.

The idea that women should only go out if they can afford a cab fare home and/or know for certain that they will be able to find someone they know well and trust to accompany them home is unduly restrictive.

SardineQueen · 12/09/2011 20:28

Lots of women in the winter walk home after dark after work. Most women cannot afford to get a cab home from work every night. Women have as much right to be out on the streets after dark as anyone else and this scaremongering (which is not supported by facts and statistics) does no-one any favours.

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