Being Followed AIBU?

[SnapesMistress]

I go out most Saturdays to the same club where most of my friends go to as well. The alcohol is very cheap so I am usually halfway drunk when I leave, usually between 2 and 3am.

The route back to my flat takes about 10-15 mins and is well lit with no dodgy back alleys. I always walk back usually with DP and my flatmate.

DP had been away for the last few Saturdays so it has just been me and my flatmate walking there and back or yesterday it was just me since flatmate decided to stay in.

Last week flatmate was exceedingly drunk so had to be physically held up by me on the way back and at once point a car with a bloke in it stopped next to where we were walking, I ignored him and he drove a little further down and stopped as if to wait for us. Thankfulle we managed to turn off before getting to where his car was but I felt very uncomfortable and could not stop looking over my shoulder.

Last night I went out alone and when it was time to go considered asking one of my male friends to walk me home but decided against it. At one point the street I was walking down was totally deserted and a car pulled up alongside me with a bloke in it. He shouted at me but I ignored him and walked on he then pulled up beside me again and shouted at me to look at him. I did and he asked if I wanted a life home. I declined (twice) and he then drove off. Again I spent the walk home looking over my shoulder.

This sort of thing has happened to me lots in the past few years since moving to the city. AIBU to be scared of these men? Do they honestly think I would be stupid enough to get into thier car? What would happen if someone was too drunk to see the danger and got in? Am I overreacting and they just wanted to offer a girl a lift home with the possibilty of getting her number?

Feel very uneasy about the fact it happens so often.

Snapes, you are still not taking it seriously, are you?

For Christs sake (okay, speaking as one who is old enough to be your mum but also as a Londoner who used to go out LOADS as a young woman), don't take risks, sod "putting your friends out" by asking a fella to see you home... a real friend/decent aquaintance would rather you were safe than fuss about having to go a bit out of their way.

Re taking a taxi - this streetwise mum, when 32 yo, went out for a night in a bar with her best (male) friend. Called a mimi cab at about 2am (don't stress, the Dc were with Grandma!), went outside to wait for it and nearly got into the car which pulled up with driver yelling "TAXI!".

My pal pulled me back... the "cab" had NOT come for me or anyone else, but was an opportunist, at best a dodgy guy trying to make a few illegal pounds, possibly a rapist or worse. If you get a mini cab, ALWAYS give a name - preferably not your own but one which is unique and you will recognise to be for you when called out - and NEVER get into the car unless you KNOW it's for you alone and that the driver knows the name the cab has been booked for.

Oh shit, I feel old giving this advice! :o

I was 19, nice girl, lived at home, worked in an office. Worked hard and partied even harder. Went out with my friends all the time, didn't ever really think about security and safety. Always out and about. Lost my friends one night in central London, got a black cab home, drunk and out of it. Nice friendly driver, took me all the way to my parent's street then jumped in the back seat with me and raped me. Told me I was a nice girl and to jump out and go home. Never told a soul to this day - I'm 43 with a husband and 4 and 8 year old. This (and it's fair to say other unfortunate circumstances) have had a damning effect on my views on men and relationships. I'm telling you this because I want you to understand it happens a LOT more than you may realise. Please be careful. If I could wish one thing for that sweet, innocent 19 year old, it would be not to be so trusting...there are a lot of wicked people out there that can mold your whole future. Please please be careful ....it CAN happen to you, but if you take sensible measures, it WON'T x

You know, statistically, it's drunk men who are more at risk of being violently attacked (not raped, admittedly, but mugged or beaten up) in the street. Women are at far more risk of being attacked by partners or family members than by strangers.
As someone who has spent years walking home or getting night buses while pissed (and I have been annoyed by dodgy men once or twice but never assaulted in the street by any), my safety tips are (obviously) don't get in strange men's cars, but also, have a plain, scruffy, concealing coat to put on over your clubbing gear and either wear flat shoes or take a pair of flat shoes with you to change into before the walk home. If a man does follow you, take his number and report him to the (non-urgent) police the next day, keep a good distance from the car and if anyone comes at you, shout and scream your head off.

My karate instructor always used to say that the best form of self defence is not putting yourself in the types of situation where you'd need to defend yourself, iyswim.

Very, very few women even two or three together will stand very much chance against a determined male attacker. A combination of his aggression preparedness (armed ?), your surprise, his physical strength all add up against you. Then you add that you are pissed and you are really going to be out of luck. Being pissed makes the chances of an attacker being successful almost certain. This is why drunk rather than sober men are attacked.

Being pissed in public is hardly the height of decorum, but putting yourself at risk in this way is far worse.

mistress, I think that by now you must have got the message, loud and clear about taking responsibility for ones own personal safety.!!

So, for anyone else still reading this - my DC who has a black belts in various MMA [see my bank statement] tells me that it's best not to court danger in the first place, not to imagine one could fight off anyone and there is no shame in running from assailants. Not any where near as macho as I'd expect tho clearly based in [centuries] of [ninja] commonsense.

I have my own salutory tale I'd like to share. Back in the mists of time, my friend and I, were pissed in Chapeltown in Leeds in the 1970s. We were both students, hundreds of miles away from our 'home university' on a mere whim, completely unbeknowst to our parents [or anyone else] and utterly naive to the dangers of the red-light district of Leeds we were mindlessly gatecrashing.

We became separated and endured hours of distress - made worse in retrospect by knowing that Peter Sutcliffe [the yorkshire ripper] murdered again that weekend.

I'm old enough to be just about anyones grandmother on MN/the planet.

Yes you are right to be concerned. I've heard of more than one murder that has resulted after a woman got into a strangers car after a night out....sometimes not even a stranger.

Don't put yourself in vulnerable situations.
Always have someone to accompany you home and if you see this car again, take down the number plate and report him to the police.

What is wrong with you? I mean seriously? You say you don't do this often but it only takes one time for something bad to happen! Why are you so flippant? Don't you understand that this is how people
End up dead? I may seem over the top
But really - so many people who have ended up murdered have done so because they take unnecessary risks at times when they need to be more careful. I don't mean to sound harsh but you need a reality check. Don't take stupid risks with your life.

Sorry but its very odd indeed for a grown woman to be acting like this, you know the risks, you seem to not really give a rats ass about it and think its quite amusing really. Well, your safety, your dignity and your body. If you couldn't care less about it why should anyone else?

She's only 21, chill your beans, who didn't do risky stupid stuff when younger and pissed?

Fuck, I've done tonnes worse, walked miles and taken dodgy alley's.

The advice here is good, scare tactics employed but don't work for everyone. I'm 30, and I still wander home but I live in a city centre so never more than 5 mins walk from home along main streets. Usually have a kebab too

Don't be afraid to ask mates to walk you home, I look a bit of fright when dressed up and drunk but I don't rely on that when walking home. I would always be prepared to run.

It's NOT THAT RISKY. It really, really isn't. Two women a week are murdered by partners or ex-partners. Most victims of rape or sexual assault are attacked by men they know, not random blokes in the street. Yes, you might be unlucky and run across a dangerous man in the street, but a determined, dangerous attacker might also break into your house one night.

There is something depressing and wrong about the insistence that women should be under a curfew and never go out at night without a male keeper, and that if they disobey these 'rules' it will be their own fault if they are attacked. Yet it's always 'strangers' women are pressured to be afraid of, when women's safety from violent attack would statistically be improved if more women refused to live with men in heteromonogamous relationships.

Poppyswill. What a dreadful story. I'm so sorry.

I'd be very uneasy as it's happening so often. You don't know if these men know your weekend routine and are deliberately following you.

Book a cab from a reputable licensed firm and share the cab fare home. Walking can be fine but it can also be dangerous and is it not better to be safe, especially with this happening so often?

YABU.

Don't get drunk.

FWIW, I'm a walker too. When I go out I walk home to save a £4.50 cab fare on my own for a ten minute walk. I'm always on the phone to DP as I'm walking though 'just in case'. It's probably a silly risk too as people are more likely to rob me as I'm on a phone!

To those of you accusing me of being flippant and not taking it seriously.

I am dreadfully sorry I had the temerity to make a joke after making it clear I had got the message.

Am I not allowed to make a joke, should I be sitting in the corner weeping in terror?

SnapesMistress i'm sorry but you know the risks so am not going to go the softly softly approach ... i think you are silly and irresponsible. if you dont look after your own safety no one else will. its up to you. why draw that attention on yourself? there are some sick people in this world and you are putting yourself in danger. if you dont give a shite think of your mam or dad or someone close to you having to deal with what may or may not happen to you.

Look, the ones being irresponsible are the ones suggesting that the OP should use cabs or not go out unaccompanied. She's more at risk from her own partner and in her own home.
More women should go out at night, lots more, and be less wussy. The more women there are on the streets at night, doing as they please, the less danger of attacks from strangers there will be.
SnapesMistress, you keep doing as you see fit. There are no absolute guarantees in life but life is too short to let misogynistic scaremongering spoil your fun.

misogynistic scaremongering.

I am male but of a height and physique which puts me at risk of street robbery.

I have the right to walk home in safety whatever the hour and wherever I am: but you know what? Muggers don't respect human rights any more than rapists do. So I don't always exercise that right.

You can't inform the police unless you are sure it was the same man and you have the index number of the car, which you probably don't.

As a matter of fact most of the men who offer you a lift would do no more than ask for your number and accept it if you declined, and some of them are in fact concerned for your safety and will just give you a lift home. But you know as well as everyone who has posted that some of them have other ideas and don't care about your rights.

So please, OP, get a bloody taxi. If there are others who live nearby share the cost. But do it.

I think anyone reading this thread should heed Poppy's warning. I was walking home from a local club when I was approx 24, and a bloke who had been introduced to me at the end of the night by a friend offered to walk me home. I always have considered myself strong, I have done kick boxing, and (at the time) was fit and healthy.

I was fortunate that a police car drove past when it did as I had been dragged across a park field by my arm and dumped on the floor several times, with the threat of rape. Then the "nice guy" side would kick in and he'd apologise and start crying and let me up, only to flip again and grab me and throw me down again. And so on, for a bout 30 minutes. I was completely overpowered. Mentally and physically, as i gave up strength wise after a couple of throw downs as I thought it might make things quicker....

Eventually we reached the side of the park and I got through the hedge to the road... when the police drove past, slowly. I walked calmly away, as I was petrified of everything... and the bloke went the other way.

I still consider myself strong, and can still handle my moves from kick boxing (except for my bump) but I will forever remember just how vulnerable I am at all times. I'll forever remember just how lucky I am to have only been marked by a hand print bruise around my left arm, and memories of that night.

I used to walk home all the time in London - not at 2am but you know, maybe at midnight from the Tube to my house. I always felt safe getting home. When I didn't feel safe was getting in so-called "mini cabs" with my friends after clubbing at 2am onwards. In my home town a taxi always had a licence and had the words "Taxi" on top. Everyone got these cabs though it seemed in the late 90s/early 00s as there was no other way to get home at that time. (There were no black cabs to be seen for love nor money, and as someone highlighted above, a licence black cab is no guarantee of safety) I never allowed myself to be the last in the cab on my own though, in preference staying at a friends house or even walking the last bit if necessary.

Anyway, nothing happened to me but given the choice of coming home on the Tube and walking the last bit vs staying out a bit later and getting a "mini-cab", the former seemed the vastly safer option.

Nowadays I have to get the train home then cab or stay with a friend as a taxi all the way home from London would require a second mortgage. But I never feel that safe getting into a cab and dread that last bit of the jounrey, even though I know the local cab companies and it's nothing like the sort of 'cabs' I used to take in London. Still I just feel it's harder to run from a cab than it is down the street- they could just put the child locks on and drive you to somewhere deserted if they wanted to.

I used to hitchhike when i was a student, loads of us did. I was usually with friends but on one occasion i was on my own.

A British Gas van guy picked me up and insisted on driving me straight to the college gates, all the way lecturing me on how i should never EVER do this again as he had a daughter the same age etc I remember at the time thinking "Right, okay. I got the message."
You think you are invincible at 19. Something must have penetrated my skull though because i never did do it again.

YANBU and you know it so keep yourself safe.