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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i have to hide the way i feel or i'll cry. im so angry :(

27 replies

ChariotsOfFire · 11/09/2011 14:34

my best friend is terminally ill with cancer, but she's behind the shed smoking (which im not against smokers) and makes jokes of "whats it gonna do? kill me?"
i hate it, i have to pretend to smile but inside my heart feels like its being torn apart. i dont want to lose her and we are always out the garden, having nights out or just generally making trouble!!
i feel i must have become the worlds worst friend to feel like this. im so angry that my friend has cancer.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 11/09/2011 14:35

YANBU... but its terminal, a cigarette isn't going to hurt her. Be angry at cancer, that is right, it shoudl invoke fury.

Don't be angry at your friend though x

HughJarseJr · 11/09/2011 14:36

shrugs

to be honest everyone knows how harmful smoking is, if people chose to do it, they chose to suffer the consequences, sad as it is to those left behind. In reality they dont care about anyone elses feelings, just want their fags

Original poster
ChariotsOfFire · 11/09/2011 14:40

she's only started smoking since having the chemo as she says its the only thing she can taste! i just hate the fact its MY friend which is so unreasonable :( i never show how i feel but i freaking HATE HATE HATE cancer

sorry for the moan

xx

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 11/09/2011 14:41

Packing up isn't going to 'cure' her.

Besides, is it lung cancer she has or another sort?

And for you, anger is a part of the grieving process; it's something we all go through be it the death of a loved one or a relationship or even a redundancy situation. You will learn to manage your pain in time.

fatlazymummy · 11/09/2011 14:41

I'm so sorry for your friend, and sorry for what you are going through too. Cancer is a horrible illness and it doesn't seem fair. Your friend is smoking, and making jokes about it, to help her cope, with the knowledge that she is not going to be here for much longer. It really doesn't matter if she smokes or not at this stage. Of course you will feel angry at times, that is part of the process of loss and bereavement.
Have you got any one to talk to? You need support to help you support your friend.

troisgarcons · 11/09/2011 14:42

XPost - Oh well, the fags aren't going to see her off then are they? it's an emotional crutch for her.

Bunbaker · 11/09/2011 14:42

I know eaxctly how you feel. There isn't a lot you can do as it is too late.

I felt like this when my mum continued to smoke even though her lungs were a complete mess. She used to walk around the house with her inhaler in one hand and her fags in the other. Basically she was as addicted to fags as you could get.

Andrewofgg · 11/09/2011 14:43

I speak as a survivor of cancer, not smoking-related.

I have since then given up the cigars I used to indulge in occasionally, perhaps twice a month; mainly because I cannot have one at dinner in a restaurant any more: I never smoked at home.

But if the point ever comes when the medics tell me there is nothing more they can do for me and I should prepare myself to go, I will go to the park with a big cigar and enjoy it.

So please don't be angry with your friend - she is being rational.

Original poster
ChariotsOfFire · 11/09/2011 14:47

she had stomach cancer which she had half her bowel out but it was too late its on her lungs, liver, stomach, pelvis, cervix, base of her spine its right through her :(

she's really up beat, and she is not only an insperation she is the strongest woman i ll ever know!!

she done the breast cancer run in the summer in memory of her mum!

i love her and will always be there for her, i think i just needed a moan to someone who doesnt know me or my friend personally!!

xx

OP posts:
Original poster
ChariotsOfFire · 11/09/2011 14:48

thanks everyone for being understanding

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 11/09/2011 14:54

If it were only that simple Hugh. Do you also hold the view that anyone who loses their life by car, bus, boat, train, plane, are responsible for their own deaths because they chose to travel?

Cancer does not confine itself to smokers or any other group.

It's a bastard disease that can afflict anyone at any age including infants and children who have never inhaled a puff of smoke.

You're not the world's worst friend Chariots - you're understandably feeling angry for your friend and furious at the cancer that may prematurely end her life. All you can do is help her enjoy whatever time she has left regardless of how she choses to spend it.

Smellslikecatpee · 11/09/2011 14:58

Actually it's totally normal to be angry; it is a part of the grieving process, I know you haven?t lost your friend but you are grieving what should/could have been.

Chemo is shit and if a few cigarettes help at all, good for her, anything that helps is good.
Feel free to rant away, cancer is a fucking fucker

Original poster
ChariotsOfFire · 11/09/2011 15:00

thanks izzy :) i am really angry and tbh this is the first time i ve ever let it all out!
a few weeks a go she went in one of those sphere ball things that they roll you down a hill in!!! she doesnt let it get her down!! :)

OP posts:
Smellslikecatpee · 11/09/2011 15:00

Oh and Hugh, fuck the fuck off
I mean really how is that helpful?

More to the point in this case the OP's friend only started after she started Chemo, so learn to read.

I mean really

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 11/09/2011 15:01

Another cancer survivor here - black humour was the only way I could cope getting through the chemotherapy and treatment - if you don't laugh you'll cry mentality - I'm sorry about your friend

Original poster
ChariotsOfFire · 11/09/2011 15:02

thanks smells :) thought you were all gonna say what a cow i am having a rant!! :)

OP posts:
SnapesMistress · 11/09/2011 15:02

Bit insensitive Hugh.

OP I am so sorry, cancer is a terrible disease, at least she has found something that can give her some of her lost taste back.

Original poster
ChariotsOfFire · 11/09/2011 15:03

thankyou fuzzy :)

OP posts:
Original poster
ChariotsOfFire · 11/09/2011 15:03

yeh snapes! she also eats nothing but curry!!!!! :)

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 11/09/2011 15:04

Oh Fuzzywuzzywozabear we are singing from the same hymnsheet. Laugh at it and if you have to go, go down smiling.

Original poster
ChariotsOfFire · 11/09/2011 15:04

brb gotta upload more photos :)

OP posts:
Original poster
ChariotsOfFire · 11/09/2011 15:16

i ve uploaded a photo of my friend out the garden messing around :) B...E...A...UTIFUL!

OP posts:
SnapesMistress · 11/09/2011 15:38

You sound like a great friend Chariots.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 11/09/2011 15:48

You need to let it out, honey. When you're alone scream, wail, shake your fist at the sky, and when you're with your friend take your cue from her and laugh at life - and at death because it can't take what you have shared together.

troisgarcons · 11/09/2011 15:51

You know, Sweetheart (OP) , there's nothing you can ever do or say to change things - just keep being the friend you are.

What you will find, when your friend does pass on, is that you have had time to come to terms with it and you will be left with the happy memories.