i have to hide the way i feel or i'll cry. im so angry :(

[ChariotsOfFire]

my best friend is terminally ill with cancer, but she's behind the shed smoking (which im not against smokers) and makes jokes of "whats it gonna do? kill me?"
i hate it, i have to pretend to smile but inside my heart feels like its being torn apart. i dont want to lose her and we are always out the garden, having nights out or just generally making trouble!!
i feel i must have become the worlds worst friend to feel like this. im so angry that my friend has cancer.

[FeelingOld]

Oh Chariots, how very tough and sad this must be for you, your friend and her family.
I lost my best friend to cancer 25 years ago when she was just 24 (we had known each other all of our lives as our mums were best friends before we were even born). At the time i was very angry that this had happened to such a bright, beautiful, kind and thoughtful person, i wanted to know why it was happening to her when there are so many evil people in this world i wanted it to happen to instead.
My friend was very strong and she too joked through it all, it was her cheering me up when it should have been the other way round, but to be honest i think she needed to do it to keep herself going.
After we lost her i didnt think i would get through it but the old cliche is right, time does heal but there still isnt a day goes by that i dont think about her and i have photos of us together in my home and she was a fabulous artist and i have some of her work hanging on my walls which i would never part with cos i look at them and think of the happy times we had together.

You have every right to be angry with this terrible and evil disease and that shows how much you care for your lovely friend. I am wishing you strength to get through what time you have left together and i hope you both make the most of every minute of it. x

[Onemorning]

I'm so sorry about your friend, OP. And I'm so sorry for you too. You sound like a lovely friend. xx

[troisgarcons]

You know, Sweetheart (OP) , there's nothing you can ever do or say to change things - just keep being the friend you are.

What you will find, when your friend does pass on, is that you have had time to come to terms with it and you will be left with the happy memories.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

You need to let it out, honey. When you're alone scream, wail, shake your fist at the sky, and when you're with your friend take your cue from her and laugh at life - and at death because it can't take what you have shared together.

[SnapesMistress]

You sound like a great friend Chariots.

[ChariotsOfFire]

i ve uploaded a photo of my friend out the garden messing around :) B...E...A...UTIFUL!

[ChariotsOfFire]

brb gotta upload more photos :)

[Andrewofgg]

Oh Fuzzywuzzywozabear we are singing from the same hymnsheet. Laugh at it and if you have to go, go down smiling.

[ChariotsOfFire]

yeh snapes! she also eats nothing but curry!!!!! :)

[ChariotsOfFire]

thankyou fuzzy :)

[SnapesMistress]

Bit insensitive Hugh.

OP I am so sorry, cancer is a terrible disease, at least she has found something that can give her some of her lost taste back.

[ChariotsOfFire]

thanks smells :) thought you were all gonna say what a cow i am having a rant!! :)

[Fuzzywuzzywozabear]

Another cancer survivor here - black humour was the only way I could cope getting through the chemotherapy and treatment - if you don't laugh you'll cry mentality - I'm sorry about your friend

[Smellslikecatpee]

Oh and Hugh, fuck the fuck off
I mean really how is that helpful?

More to the point in this case the OP's friend only started after she started Chemo, so learn to read.

I mean really

[ChariotsOfFire]

thanks izzy :) i am really angry and tbh this is the first time i ve ever let it all out!
a few weeks a go she went in one of those sphere ball things that they roll you down a hill in!!! she doesnt let it get her down!! :)

[Smellslikecatpee]

Actually it's totally normal to be angry; it is a part of the grieving process, I know you haven?t lost your friend but you are grieving what should/could have been.

Chemo is shit and if a few cigarettes help at all, good for her, anything that helps is good.
Feel free to rant away, cancer is a fucking fucker

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

If it were only that simple Hugh. Do you also hold the view that anyone who loses their life by car, bus, boat, train, plane, are responsible for their own deaths because they chose to travel?

Cancer does not confine itself to smokers or any other group.

It's a bastard disease that can afflict anyone at any age including infants and children who have never inhaled a puff of smoke.

You're not the world's worst friend Chariots - you're understandably feeling angry for your friend and furious at the cancer that may prematurely end her life. All you can do is help her enjoy whatever time she has left regardless of how she choses to spend it.

[ChariotsOfFire]

thanks everyone for being understanding

[ChariotsOfFire]

she had stomach cancer which she had half her bowel out but it was too late its on her lungs, liver, stomach, pelvis, cervix, base of her spine its right through her :(

she's really up beat, and she is not only an insperation she is the strongest woman i ll ever know!!

she done the breast cancer run in the summer in memory of her mum!

i love her and will always be there for her, i think i just needed a moan to someone who doesnt know me or my friend personally!!

xx

[Andrewofgg]

I speak as a survivor of cancer, not smoking-related.

I have since then given up the cigars I used to indulge in occasionally, perhaps twice a month; mainly because I cannot have one at dinner in a restaurant any more: I never smoked at home.

But if the point ever comes when the medics tell me there is nothing more they can do for me and I should prepare myself to go, I will go to the park with a big cigar and enjoy it.

So please don't be angry with your friend - she is being rational.

[Bunbaker]

I know eaxctly how you feel. There isn't a lot you can do as it is too late.

I felt like this when my mum continued to smoke even though her lungs were a complete mess. She used to walk around the house with her inhaler in one hand and her fags in the other. Basically she was as addicted to fags as you could get.

[troisgarcons]

XPost - Oh well, the fags aren't going to see her off then are they? it's an emotional crutch for her.

[fatlazymummy]

I'm so sorry for your friend, and sorry for what you are going through too. Cancer is a horrible illness and it doesn't seem fair. Your friend is smoking, and making jokes about it, to help her cope, with the knowledge that she is not going to be here for much longer. It really doesn't matter if she smokes or not at this stage. Of course you will feel angry at times, that is part of the process of loss and bereavement.
Have you got any one to talk to? You need support to help you support your friend.

[troisgarcons]

Packing up isn't going to 'cure' her.

Besides, is it lung cancer she has or another sort?

And for you, anger is a part of the grieving process; it's something we all go through be it the death of a loved one or a relationship or even a redundancy situation. You will learn to manage your pain in time.

[ChariotsOfFire]

she's only started smoking since having the chemo as she says its the only thing she can taste! i just hate the fact its MY friend which is so unreasonable :( i never show how i feel but i freaking HATE HATE HATE cancer

sorry for the moan

xx