Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to find out the sex of my baby?

88 replies

Saj30 · 11/09/2011 12:07

This is our first child, and I do no want to know the sex of the baby. However DH is insisting he does, but I don't want anyone to know. AIBU?? [CONFUSED]

OP posts:
Crosshair · 11/09/2011 14:45

Yanbu.

We found out as luckily we both wanted to know. Before finding out we decided on green for the room with an animal theme as neither of us are keen on pink/blue overkill.

Good luck!

Andrewofgg · 11/09/2011 14:47

doublestandard I certainly hope so!

Winston Churchill once approached a fat (male) colleague and said "Well, what are you calling the baby?" and got the answer:

John if it's a boy, Susan if it's a girl. But if as I expect it's just wind, it will be called Winston.

Crosshair · 11/09/2011 14:49

:o

Bunbaker · 11/09/2011 15:01

"Takethisonehere, that's exactly how I feel - it's like taking a sneaky peek at your Christmas presents. You feel you can't wait so you look. Then you know and Christmas just isn't as exciting, even though you've got exactly what you wanted."

I agree. I think it also detracts from the birth announcement because the recipient already knows what sex the baby is anyway.

Some health authorities won't let you know the sex unless the mother asks.

Saj30 It has absolutely nothing to do with your OH's family. They need to butt out.

doublestandard · 11/09/2011 15:13

That's vair funny Andrew Grin

Have to say there's a lot of posting on this thread from people who think keeping the surprise for the birth is justification for not finding out - which I don't really get. It doesn't seem enough of a reason to "trump" (wrong word but best I could come up with) the other parent's opinion.

If the dh has a reasonable reason for wanting to find out like, umm, wanting to bond with the baby or because he has a genetic condition or something then that seems more important than the keeping it a surprise for the birth.

But if he want to know "just because" then there needs to be some discussion about who feels most strongly, then deference to whoever that parent is. And if neither feels more strongly than the other then toss a coin.

Or discuss it like adults and make a joint decision.

diddl · 11/09/2011 15:19

I agree that it depends on the reason for wanting to know.

When I was still in the UK I think that you had to give a reason to know & the policy was not to tell.

Bunbaker · 11/09/2011 15:21

"Have to say there's a lot of posting on this thread from people who think keeping the surprise for the birth is justification for not finding out - which I don't really get."

Because we have the patience to wait? Because it heightens the anticipation when the MW turns the baby over and tells the parents what sex their baby is? To me that was part of the birth experience. I don't get why you don't get that.

cerealqueen · 11/09/2011 15:26

YANBU. Is he the pregnant one? How are you being the selfish one? Will he forgo lots of stuff while you are pregnant the way you have to?

Its a lovely surprise at the end of labour (and it won't be him pushing out the baby) to hear the words 'its a.....'

The colour of paint or clothes is not enough of a reason, he's behaving like a child in a toy shop.

A friend of ours as told 95% it was a girl....it was a boy.

Enjoy your pregnancy!

Crosshair · 11/09/2011 15:27

I dont really get it either as to me that stuff isnt important, Im sure some other people think why would you want to find out as finding out to them seems a little strange. Everyones different afterall.

diddl · 11/09/2011 15:28

""Have to say there's a lot of posting on this thread from people who think keeping the surprise for the birth is justification for not finding out - which I don't really get."

Gosh, if wanting to be surprised at the birth isn´t a justification, what on earth is?Confused

badnightlastnight · 11/09/2011 15:33

YANBU. It's a joint decision. He should respect your wishes.

doublestandard · 11/09/2011 15:38

"Have to say there's a lot of posting on this thread from people who think keeping the surprise for the birth is justification for not finding out - which I don't really get."

To everyone who has picked up on that one part of my post if you read the whole post you will see I explain but for those hard-of-reading this was the full first part:

Have to say there's a lot of posting on this thread from people who think keeping the surprise for the birth is justification for not finding out - which I don't really get. It doesn't seem enough of a reason to "trump" (wrong word but best I could come up with) the other parent's opinion.

Reads a bit different now doesn't it Wink

ExpensivePants · 11/09/2011 18:39

I really struggle with people whose reason for not finding out the sex is that the arrival of the baby feels a bit flat. That, to me, places far more importance on the sex of the baby than finding out before the birth does. To compare it to opening Christmas presents that you've peeked at is utterly bizarre.

diddl · 11/09/2011 18:44

For me it would be the other way round-that if you want to find out then the sex of the baby is all important.

doublestandard · 11/09/2011 18:51

It's funny isn't it, how we see things from our own point of view and make assumptions about a different one? I'm not having a dig at anyone btw, just having a small philosophical ponderance Grin

I find the whole find out sex before/not find out before thing to be like Marmite. You either are are, or aren't in favour and it's hard to understand the other viewpoint.

fedupofnamechanging · 11/09/2011 18:58

Well I found out the sex of all 4 of mine before they were born and I can honestly say it took nothing away from the excitement and joy I felt when each of them was born. I was finally getting to see the little person that I'd been waiting for. I didn't feel the experience was diminished because I knew if they were boys/girls.

That said OP, if you don't want to know, you are the one who is pg and yes, I think that trumps what your 'd'h wants. He is coming across as a bit of a bullying arse tbh. If my husband told me I was incapable of rational thought because of my hormones, I'd have his knackers in a vice.

Indaba · 11/09/2011 21:31

IMO YANBU

someone once told me if God had wanted us to know in advance....God would have put a window in our tummys Grin

didn't want to know for any of ours...was convinced 2nd was a girl.....took midwife a good 10 minutes to stop me calling him her!

PublicHair · 11/09/2011 21:41

your dh sounds like a twat.
we never found out with any of ours, although a friend came to a late scan with dd2 and said 'you do know what you're having don't you' so i said 'nope' (she thought we'd found out and not toldConfused) anyway, she knew for the last 8 weeks that i was having another girl.

minimisschief · 11/09/2011 21:46

you know if you find out at the scan or on the day it is still a surprise. know what i mean? So why wait?

I think it is unfair to not let him know. You aren't the only parent.

chipmonkey · 11/09/2011 23:05

YADNBU and your dh is being an arse and a sexist arse at that! Women are incapable of making a decision during pregnancy are they? Well, I don't know how I coped with running a house, holding down a job and running a small business through five pregnancies then!

FWIW, the only time I ever found out the sex was on ds4. I already had three boys and was kind of hoping for a girl. So I found out he was a boy and spent the next 11 weeks crying and feeling hard done by. Then he was born and it really didn't matter what gender he was, he was a gorgeous baby and is still absolutely adorable three years on.

This time, I refused to find out. At the 20 week scan, I told the sonographer that I didn't want to know and that was that.

Then at 28 weeks, I had a crash caesarean section and hysterectomy. She is a little girl.Smile BUT after the shock I got (placenta accreta, massive bleeding, life-threatening) I really didn't care what she was, so long as she was OK and I was so thankful that my obs saved her life and my life. For days I called her "he" as to me, babies were boys! I did find it odd, that knowing that she was so premature that peoples first response was that I must be over the moon that I had a daughter but when you see your baby in an incubator, with wires and tubes coming out of his/her tiny body, you do not care about gender. Thankfully she is doing well now. And I am very glad that I didn't find out!

fedupofnamechanging · 11/09/2011 23:10

Glad your little girl is okay chipmonkey. That must have been so frightening.

deviladvocate · 11/09/2011 23:12

We didn't find out with our first two and there was something so magical about finding out at the birth. We did find out with our third, simply for practical reasons and to set the kids expectations - however there's no guarantee that the sonographer will get it right!

Think about when you've found out about friends/families babies - it's so exciting to find out the sex then rather than "oh, he/she's arrived then, all ok?" I'd much rather not know.

Flowerista · 11/09/2011 23:20

Our baby was IVF and frankly the only thing about his birth that we didn't "control" was his sex, so we decided we wouldn't ask beforehand. I'll never ever forget the moment my DH said it's a boy.

diddl · 12/09/2011 07:36

"I think it is unfair to not let him know. You aren't the only parent."

True-but why is his wish to know more important than OPs not to?

Or the other way round?

Perhaps if he didn´t sound so nasty I might have some sympathy-plus it sounds as if he´s siding with his sisters.

Can´t help thinking that OP has to wait for the birth-won´t hurt him to wait to find out the sex.

CustardCake · 12/09/2011 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.