to not want to find out the sex of my baby?

[Saj30]

This is our first child, and I do no want to know the sex of the baby. However DH is insisting he does, but I don't want anyone to know. AIBU?? [CONFUSED]

[LikeACandleButNotQuite]

Tell him to get off his high horse. He WILL find out the sex of the baby, when it arrives. He will still get what he wants - to know. He just has to wait for it.

Him making you find out effectively removes the element of surprise at the birth that you would get by not finding out. (yes, I know it's still a surprise when told at 20 weeks, but OP would like to wait).

People have asked me whether I know, and I reply with "no, it's irrelevant to me whether it's a boy or girl". That usually shuts them up, as for most of them, its only relevant due to their nosiness or presumption that clothes /shopping has to be gender specific.

[LikeACandleButNotQuite]

Oh, and reading your posts, OP, your DP sounds like a right brat.

[killercat]

Sorry, message overlapped and it should say "pink" rather than punk, although am tickled with the idea on a punk themed nursery for a newborn now
Fwiw, our baby was known to be a girl from 12 weeks and I had 30+ scans so it was 100% sure, but it remained known as just "baby" for well over a fortnight as didn't pick a name before it was born. You can always do the same?
Dh's family would have loved a boy too so I know where you come from on that.

[TheBolter]

YANBU. I'm actually quite anti-'finding out the gender' (although I'd never admit that in RL to my friends). To me the whole thing totally de-mystifies the pregnancy, takes away the fun of guessing, places too much emphasis on the gender as if it is all that is important (actually a healthy baby is) and just indicates society's obsession with having everything now and not having to wait.

Your dh will find out when your baby is born, just as dhs did for millennia.

[eurochick]

He sounds like he is being an arse. Stick to your guns.

[TallulahBetty]

Totally agree, TheBolter.

I quietly seethe inside when I see people refer to the 20-week scan as a 'gender scan'. Er, actually, no - it's an ANOMALY scan. To check if everything is ok and developing well - not to find out if it's a boy or girl.

[Crazybit]

I'm going to try and find out with this one. First preg dd had her legs crossed so we had to wait, OHs family thought expected that she was a he which really pissed me off so I was glad she was a girl, dd2 I found out because I like to get organised and prepared. Both OH and I want to know this time, so will ask.

To be fair I think-it is your partners baby too, so maybe you should flip a coin, and agree to be bound by whatever it lands on...although it's nothing to do with anyone else/the rest of his family. Also, tell him to boil is head blaming your hormones and being selfish Your wants are as important as his.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

I felt my H was being very selfish and horrible for not letting me find out the sex at the 20 week scan. I was quire resentful. I posted on here and was not told it was mt decision as I was carrying the baby. I was told we had to be in agreement and he had as much right not to find out as I did to ask.
I badgered and cajoled (ok I wasn't rude to him in the process, but I didn't let up) until he agreed. Then the baby had his legs crossed

I think my point is that YANBU to say you don't want to find out, and you should get the say simply because you can't 'unknow' and there is no way one parent should know and the other not. But that he isn't being U to try to persuade you.

[LikeACandleButNotQuite]

What got my goat is after my anomoly scan, the first question out of everyones mouths was 'did you find out what it was?'....erm, no, that's not the point of the scan, but thanks for enquiring about the health of my baby - the ACTUAL reason for the scan: really shows you care.

Knew then I'd made the right decison in not finding out.

[FirstVix]

I didn't want to know, DP did. I caved in the scan and said 'oh go on then'. Baby was on my side though and had legs up and placenta covering, so no way to tell! I was really glad.

It meant that DP could also tell me that (he was right and) we had a girl at the birth itself.

I wouldn't want to know for another either and won't cave next time.

You might want to invest in a badge or something that says
"I don't know if it's a boy or a girl"
"No, I don't have any names yet"
"I'm due on the xx/xx/xx"
As that would've saved me about 3 days worth of the same conversation (often with the same people!).

I think it should be your choice - as others have said, they'll all find out eventually, why spoil things for you?

[TallulahBetty]

Yes yes LikeACandle. People are more concerned with asking about the gender than if the baby is ok, THE WHOLE POINT OF THE SCAN!!! ARRRGGH can you tell it's one of my biggest bugbears lol.

[Smellslikecatpee]

Our local hospital won't tell you the gender. Haven't done for years, nor the next closest, I admit that I thought it was standard not to tell because they couldn't say 100% and other reasons.

It sounds as though the 'family' have a bit of an issue about you having a boy? When they should be loooking forward to just having a new member in the family.

[LtEveDallas]

I was scanned weekly from when I was 5 months (hospitalised) up to the week before I had DD. I wanted to know, DH didn't. DD had her legs crossed right up until the last scan, by which time I didn't care!

Could you compromise in that he can be told, you not but he is NOT TO, NOT AT ALL tell anyone else?

[takethisonehereforastart]

We wanted to wait until the birth to find out too.

I know it's a surprise at any time, but we still felt that for us, it would be a bit of an anti-climax to find out before the birth.

And for me it was. I had a lot of scans because of various problems, and each time I told them that before the scan started. At the 32 week scan I did my "We do NOT want to know" speech and the woman promised she wouldn't even look in that area, there was no need, she was checking other things.

So I was peering excitedly at the screen, safe in the knowledge that she wasn't going to stray south of the belly button, and all of a sudden there it was, this sort of mushroom shape. And I looked at her and she looked at me and I pulled a "don't say a word" face at her and went home with DH and my Mum still chattering about "if it's a boy...if it's a girl" and I knew it was a boy and felt very deflated about the game being given away, even just to me.

It took away my "It's a boy!" moment in the delivery room. Of course, I still had my son so it was still all very exciting, but I felt a bit cheated out of that bit.

And it did make it hard for me to convincingly talk about names and the jokey arguments about "it's a boy! NO! It's a girl!" before the birth.

And when my neighbour was pregnant, they found out at the earliest opportunity, knew it was a boy, named him, talked about him using his name and had everything ready for a boy months before he was born.

So it all felt very flat when they did have him. She said afterwards that she missed all the "what did you have...what have you called him!" excitement from people because she'd already told them months ago. And later she felt she had to keep the name they had chosen before he was born, even though she felt it didn't suit him once she saw him, because people had sent cards and bought presents with the name on it already, including a lot of personalised gifts that were already engraved etc.

It's a bit like peeking at a Christmas present weeks before Christmas morning to me. The present is still special, still just what you wanted, but after you've looked you wish you'd waited because the anticipation of surprise was part of the fun.

People are different, there is no right or wrong, but it will be impossible for your DH to keep the secret, he will tell his family or let something slip to you. So I think in this situation it's best that nobody finds out until the birth.

Can you have a quiet word beforehand and ask them to say the baby is in the wrong position and they can't tell what sex it is? That way, he can't blame you for spoiling his fun (not that he should be if it's upsetting you this much.)

[EssW2]

YANBU.

I didn't find out before either DC were born. I was never one to talk about the unborn baby by name before the birth, or discuss the sex or names with others either.

There is a difference between being pregnant and having a baby, and I liked that not being blurred.

Tell your DH that they often get it wrong anyway if there is not a clear view, so it might be counter productive.

[Scholes34]

He'll find out soon enough. I was anti finding out the sex of my DCs and was supported by DH. With no 3, I asked not to be told by the midwife in the delivery suite, but to be handed the baby so I could find out for myself. I think it takes away some of the mystery to find out beforehand, and there are some great uni-sex baby clothes out there, which will do for subsequent children too, and yellow is a good colour for the nursery if it has to be painted before DC arrives. I think YANBU.

[jadziadax]

YANBU

[ImperialBlether]

Takethisonehere, that's exactly how I feel - it's like taking a sneaky peek at your Christmas presents. You feel you can't wait so you look. Then you know and Christmas just isn't as exciting, even though you've got exactly what you wanted.

[naturalbaby]

not sure this is really an AIBU?

he'll find out when the baby arrives anyway so just tell him to wait a few more weeks. what's the big deal?

[diddl]

I think if he will be disappointed if it´s not a boy, then he shouldn´t find out tbh.

When I was pregnant for the first time I really really wanted a boy-so I didn´t find out in case it wasn´t a boy & I might have spent the rest of the pregnancy disappointed.

Of course the flip side of that is that you get time to adjust, but I figured that not knowing was best & after pushing it out I wouldn´t care.

OP-what I find worrying in this case is the lack of respect tbh.

When people asked me what I was having I said i didn´t know/didn´t want to know/hadn´t asked-end of conversation.

[doublestandard]

Hmm I can see both points of view.

While I think your dh was very rude and disrespectful to talk to you that way I think you need to find out his reasons for knowing. They may be just as valid as yours for not knowing.

We did find out at the 20 week scan partly because I'd really struggled with coming to terms with being pregnant (unplanned pg, horrible treatment at work directly related to my pg) and found it very helpful to be able to know it was a boy and to give him a name.

It may be your husband feels like that or it may be he just wants to know so he knows what colour to paint the nursery but either way I think you need to discuss it and come to an agreement. And the discussion needs to be equal and respectful (there are no special privileges for being the mother. You are equally the parents of the baby).

[Cereal]

YANBU

[RedHotPokers]

Your DH is being VVVVV unreasonable.
If you feel strongly that you don't want to know then I really believe he should support you. And what the hell has it got to do with his extended family!? You need to get this straight now, this is your family (you and your DH), and the both of you need to make the decisions that effect you, and ignore all the other sticky beaks!

FWIW, I really didn't want to find out. My 1st pg had ended in mc and I'd had bleeding early on with DD. I felt quite (uncharacteristically) supersitious about finding out - like it would bring bad luck because it was like I was being choosy rather than being grateful IYSWIM. Also, I was SO worried about something going wrong, it put me in a kind of denial. Doing like some people do - calling bump the chosen name, referring to foetus as real person etc etc - would have pushed me over the edge.

If DH had insisted on me finding out, I would have been incredibly upset.

[Andrewofgg]

He may well be right about the hormones, it has been known to happen! but it's still your call not his. No good him knowing and promising not to tell anyone, even if he tries to keep his word it only needs one she or he to slip out and that's it. Especially in a large family.

Whatever "it" is good luck and all the best. :o

[doublestandard]

I believe "it" may be a baby Andrewofgg