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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to find out the sex of my baby?

88 replies

Saj30 · 11/09/2011 12:07

This is our first child, and I do no want to know the sex of the baby. However DH is insisting he does, but I don't want anyone to know. AIBU?? [CONFUSED]

OP posts:

diddl · 12/09/2011 07:59

No, they can´t both have it their way.

So in this situation, someone´s wishes take precedence.

Whose should that be?

Like I said earlier, we didn´t want to know-but policy was not to tell anyway.

PicaK · 12/09/2011 08:17

I really wanted to know. Unlike the other poster who had ivf - for us it felt v important to know and to help us believe the baby was on its way.

The birth was a crash c-section under GA - so no place for a beautiful reveal moment anyway.

That said i'd heartily defend anyone who didn't want to know. And I hate to say it but if you're going through all the hard work of having the baby then this once your feelings are more important.

downpipe · 12/09/2011 08:26

YANBU
I had it the other way round with DS1.I wanted to know ,DH wanted a surprise.So I found out and kept it a secret from everyone,only person who ever knew was the Ultrasound lady.It made talking about names a bit harder as I didn't want to give it away,but I respected his desire for a surprise.So it is possible but could you trust DH to keep it a secret?
With DS2,we both found out at 20 weeks as DH decided it didn't make that much difference knowing or not knowing and it meant I could get all the blue baby clothes out again!Name conversations were also a lot easier.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/09/2011 09:41

OP, if your dh does find out, make sure he doesn't go blabbing to his sisters. I would be mightily pissed off if all my relatives knew something about my my baby that I didn't know. And one of them is bound to let it slip.

TheNationalTruss · 12/09/2011 10:03

Slightly ot but there is absolutely nothing wrong with finding out anymore than there is anything wrong with waiting. I do find it patronising on these threads where anybody tries to justify their way as the better way. You find out or you don't. You're not wrong or impatient or any other thing. You do things your own way. It's utterly unlike sneaking a look at Christmas presents. For some people it's merely a statement of fact. In the same way that you idly read books/emails/forums which tell you 'your baby is currently the size of a plum', or 'the baby has fingernails', some people are curious to find out what sex the baby is. Purely because they can. It's feck all to do with gender stereotyping for me too. If you believe gender stereotyping is that all pervasive (and I agree in some ways it sadly is) then you're going to fight that battle anyway. If YOU don't plan to stereotype then it matters not when you find out, your child is still your child, you just happen to know what's between its legs.

And the op and her dp are having the very problem reflected by this thread. If you want to do it one way, you believe that way to be better than the other way and are in the business of convincing other people you are 'right'. But as it's not theoretical and you do have to make the decision, I'd suggest you have a very frank conversation about him respecting your ability to make a decision for a start. It sounds like he's bullying you.

poppyknot · 12/09/2011 10:33

I had amnio with both so the sex was findable. DH was practical and said the info's already there so why not find out. I did not want to and we didn't ask.

However when I went into hospital for DD1, I was left on my own whilst DH found somewhere to park (QCH so nightmare....) and m/w had left me for a minute to get something. Me excited and emboldened by my first whiff of gas and air saw my notes on the bed and thought - have a peek. Didn't know what I was looking for but the page I saw said Gender - F.

So when DH returned I said in that slightly woozy g-and-a way we're having a baby F!

Poor DH was a bit bemused.........

HappyHippyChick · 12/09/2011 16:04

With ds1 dh really wanted to find out, but I didn't so I put my foot down using the 'my body, my decision' argument. After the birth he told me he was really glad we didn't find out, and now I'm pregnant with our fourth, he's even more pro waiting than me!

Also a guy I work with just (well his wife) had the baby he was told was a girl to find he was taking his son home from hospital in pink outfits to a pink nursery!

cheesespread · 12/09/2011 19:20

we didnt find out,we were asked at 20 weeks scan did we want to no as she could see and we said no

also had a 4d scan and we told lady doing the scanning we didnt want to no the sex of the baby,was amazing the 4D scan,some people dont like them as they say you no what your baby will look like before its born so its all down to personal prefrence really

we had a boy,i had EMCS and there was no better words than the midwife saying you have a boy !

its a tough one but i think id stick to my guns and not find out,by the sounds of it he s been pressurised by MIL and SILS,id sit him down and ask him why its so important for him to find out

LadyMontdore · 12/09/2011 19:27

A suprise is lovely! If you don't want to know that's up to you!

thefirstMrsDeVere · 12/09/2011 19:30

It was very important to me to know the sex of DCs 4&5.
They didnt tell you when I had DCs 1 & 2 but I didnt really want to know. In those days you could actually buy unisex baby stuff - that seems impossible now (unless you like beige).

No one should pressure you into finding out. That is not fair.

minimisschief · 14/09/2011 12:56

To be fair if someone sees you ad rings you or vise versa and you look happy they are going to assume the baby is healthy and happy and when they ask if its a boy or a girl that is really the only thing relevant to them.

i also do not get this whole one parent shouldn't know. if you do not want to know the gender then why are you upset that you do not know if your partner does. just sounds a bit illogical to me.

Tinkerisdead · 14/09/2011 13:13

I didnt find out with dd but i just 'knew' she was a girl. This time i dont want to know, nor does dh. But dd is getting upset at the prospect at it not being a girl that im tempted to find out for her sake.

For me not knowing got me through the darkest moments, i had to keep going to get that final surprise. Days of labour and an eventual emcs. We still asked to find out the gender ourselves and i was baffled by everyone shouting my attention whilst holding this purple bawling mass in my face. A nurse said, the gender the gender. To which i yelled at dh, i told you it was a girl! He replied are its feet meant to be purple?

Was a fab moment that surprise amist the chaos.

vmcd28 · 14/09/2011 13:24

Either you both find out or neither of you do. There's no way one of you could ever keep it a secret.

We found out with ds2, after 2 MCs and bleeding at the start of the pg (plus high risk of Downs) ,and it helped me bond and be excited, because he was no longer an "it". We did not tell anyone the gender, as we wanted to surprise everyone else.

As for the parents, it's a "surprise" whether you find out now or at delivery time. But if you think finding out the gender now will somehow spoil something when it arrives, you couldn't be more wrong. Nothing at all will detract from how you feel when you see your new baby.

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