AIBU to think this utter bullshit?

[YoungStepMum]

When talking about family meal times, a friend told me that I shouldn?t ?force? children to eat anything they don?t want to eat as it will leave them with a phobia about those foods. By ?force? I think she means the ?you have to eat at least two spoonfuls of peas/sweetcorn/broccoli? ect. line. There is less veg on their plate than I would like them to eat anyway so I don?t think there is anything wrong in expecting them to have two mouthfuls??? They moan for about a minute then just get on with it...hardly a traumatic experience.

She then went on to say that on numerous occasions she has given her children oatcakes, cheese and Ice cream after they have refused to eat whatever she has cooked for them and looked astounded when I said if my DSC don?t eat what everyone else is eating then they would certainly not get ice cream (more like bread and butter).

AIBU or are my DSC going to have a life long fear of peas? :o

I used to try and make ds1 eat things he didn't like. Just small amounts. He started making himself sick after dinner. Regularly.
If your dcs are healthy and have a half decent diet I really wouldn't push it. I feel like this was my single biggest failure as a parent and have certainly avoided doing it with my other 2.

oh honestly. it's an over reaction and total exaggeration on a piece of scientific research into kids and their eating habits. everything in moderation, chill out and let the kids enjoy their food. it's not rocket science.

I still can't eat mash potatoes to this day after being forced to eat cold lumpy potatoes at school. There are a couple of other things as well that still make me gag.
I'ts not a phobia, I make mashed potatoes at home with a ricer.
I've always asked my ds to try something but if he doesn't like it, why should he eat it?
I wouldn't.
He 16 now, and a good eater, better than me in fact

I don't force them to try things, I encourage them to try things as you can't say you don't like things if you don't try them. Being forced or pressured to eat something you really don't like just puts you off it all the more. I was expected to eat what was put in front of me, but it didn't stop me being a fussy eater as a child, although now I will try most things. Meals shouldn't be a battleground.

Dh is much fussier than me even though he was at boarding school for a while, where he had to eat what he was given or go hungry.

I often wonder what would happen if we said to toddlers 'You must eat all your ice cream in order to have a yummy carrot after'

No, i haven't done it and i don't suggest it but i really think that no wonder so many children and adults don't like vegetables if they have to eat them in order to eat the next thing - the pudding.

And i don't like the idea of sitting at the table anticipating the next stage (sweet pudding) instead of enjoying this stage, the meal we have in front of us - and talking about the meal in front of us, not talking about whats 'after'. If i eat lasagne and salad i want to smell lasagne and salad, not the apple pie in the oven. Honestly, i don't get the 'pudding' and the negotiations that go with it.

I don't think its complete bollocks but I think its a sweeping generalisation that doesn't apply to most dcs. Ditto the old chestnuts about children must be allowed unfettered access to all foods or they will never learn to self regulate and end up being cut out of their house by the fire brigade and if you don't let them binge on sweets constantly then they will get an eating disorder. You can treat children in an identical fashion and get vastly different outcomes.

It's a fine line, and I say this as someone who used to have major food issues. My mum's approach was to let me eat only what I wanted to eat, and would let me fill up on something else if I refused to eat something. My dad's approach was to make me sit at the table and finish everything, even if I really hated it. The combination of the two made me a seriously picky eater who was also scared to try new things. This is the fine line: finding the middle way that works.

I don't think it is helpful to make a fuss over food, for any reason.

So in my house, I cook dinner and everyone at least tries it. If one of the DC's refuses something then it is fairly easy to figure out whether it is a genuine dislike or whether they are angling for something else. DD1 doesn't for example like red peppers and DS1 doesn't like lentils, if I make something in which these feature I will encourage them to tast but if they don't like it I will get them something else or let them have more of the sides.

We have never had baby food or nursery food for the DC's but neither have I ever forced "adult food" on them and I genuinely believe this is why I now have infant school age DC's who will tuck in to mussels, chorizo, asparagus, stilton etc.

give peas a chance

I think with vegetables there's often a difference between something they really dislike and something they don't like as much as the other food on their plate and aren't bothered about eating. I wouldn't make my kids eat foods in the first group but will insist on them eating the second. I think that's what the OP is doing too.

Kids have different tastes to adults. A mushroom might well taste vile to a 2 year old but by they time they are 15 they might taste yummy.

That is why it is important to make these foods available to your children but NOT to force them to eat them.

I dish up small amounts of everything to the children. They can eat them or leave them but they will not get a replacement.

Everyone of them (5) have gone through phases of not liking things or taking a while to taste new things. None of them are fussy.

None of them have ever starved because I wont swop peas and corn for a biscuit etheir.

BUT BUT BUT

I work with children who have developed food issues for a multitude of reasons and soft, indulgent parents are NOT always the problem.

Some children I know have never been able to eat properly because of an illness or trauma that occoured at an important stage of their development. This is incredibly stressful for their parents.

I went through a time of having a child who was anorexic due to undiagnosed cancer and it was horribly worrying and almost took over our lives. This makes me more sympathetic towards families with food issues than I once might have been.

There is a space between pandering to fussy kids and forcing children to eat food just because you want them too.

Its also easy to be relaxed about food if your kids are good eaters.

You can tell when a child is refusing to eat something because they are being a PITA, then when they genuinely dont like it. My son occasionally tries to get out of eating food by saying he doesnt like it when 2 weeks before he cleared his plate of it.

I made a decision a couple of years ago that meal times will not be an arguememt or stressful. If ds doesnt want to wat what he is given then thats fine he can get down and go away while we eat. But he'll get absolutely nothing until the next meal time. Luckily for us this is enough. I found persuasion and "Your not getting down until you've finished." Got the exact opposite result of what we wanted. Locked horns, heals dug in, tears and screaming. No thanks. He can get down and leave us in peace to eat if he doesnt want it.

If ds doesnt want to wat what?!

*eat

I recall being forced to eat foods as a child and you dont forget. The horrible meals I remember far outweigh any special birthday meals etc.

As a result I dont force DS to eat anything he doesnt like. He eats well as I know what he likes and doesnt and sometimes it means cooking different to us but i dont mind.

My DS didn't have to eat anything DW or I don't like :o so no bloody parsnips!

Thank you Alarkaspree that is exactly what I'm doing. If they tired something nuemrous times and really didn't like it I just won't include it again. But when it comes to veg like sweetcorn and broccoli they don't want to eat it becuase it isn't as yummy as the other things on their plate. If they really didn't like it then surely they wouldn't give in after a few minutes?

Also, there are many situations in later life when they will have to do something they don't like or don't want to do in order to get something in return. Is this situation any different? Surley there is nothing wrong in an teenager/adult preferring to eat sweet things but knows they must eat veg too (and do so) in order to stay healthy?

what mrs de vere said - it varies child by child, so there's no one rule fits all solution.

dh & i were both brought up with the 'eat it or starve' method & it put us off certain foods for life.

dd is actually food phobic, and trying to make her take something makes her vomit. so now i put things out, encourage her to try, but don't force it.

if your kids eat the food without too much fuss, i'd say you're not forcing them. even with the issues with dd, i don't offer ice cream etc instead - maybe plain bread if she really hasn't eaten enough (when stressed, she will go for days without eating, so i can't just assume she'll eat when she's hungry)

those people who say 'kids ate what they were told during the war' are wrong - both my parents, who remember war/rationing very well, have a load of stories about kids they knew who went hungry, got sick etc because they couldn't/wouldn't eat what was offered to them.

Op - your approach sounds fine to me. A bit of common sense needed where food and children are concerned. Don't force them but also don't pander to them.

Ok.

Without wishing to turn this into an argument.

I do think the leap between kids not being made to eat things and then turning into teenagers who wont do something they dont want to a bit too big.

Food should NOT be a battle. If it is you are going to create big problems. Once you start fighting over the table you are likely to find yourself in a world of 5pm stress and tears.

I am not a wishy washy parent but I have realised over the years that there are things that are not worth a fight. You cannot make a child like a food. Far better to serve up a plateful of things they do like, things they sometimes like and the odd new thing.

That way they get something to eat and they get the chance to try something without the threat of going hungry if they dont like something.

A child will just not see the logic. The will feel its very unfair that they are being made to eat stuff they hate whilst you [the adult] gets whatever they want.

Kids do not have much opportunity to control their environment. Meal times, bed times and toilet times are the perfect platforms for them to get your full attention. Parents stress about this stuff and children will pick up on it.

Hence the multitude of threads about not eating, not going to bed and refusing to pee on the potty.

I have friends that make different meals for every child , wouldnt do it in a million years but if it works for them [shrug], I wouldnt make a child force down forkfulls of carrots either.

You are a better woman than me then Zukie

See that is why I put the 'if it works for them' in. Who am I to worry about how other people do things as long as the kids are getting fed?

Far too much nonsense talked about food if you ask me. I have never understood the cries of 'Horror' over how others feed their families. ( I am not referring to this thread btw but thinking of some of the ones on MN and NM about flipping sausage rolls and chicken nuggets).

When I think of some of the crap we were fed in the 70s!

I try to be relaxed about it. All 3 of mine were great wee eaters until they turned 1, then they seemed to refuse everything!

I make one evening meal. If there are elements of it that they don't like, I don't force them to eat it, but I do like them to at least try a new thing. I cook very varied meals, and have discovered what things they are likely to eat without too much fuss, and what things they just don't like. Unfortunately all 3 of them have very different tastes- you can't please all the people all the time!

DD1 would exist as a carnivore if I let her. She loves steak, chicken, lamb, all meat, and is in her element gnawing on a chicken carcase Her very favourite food is grilled squid, which noone else in the family is keen on. She's a reluctant veg eater (will eat carrots and broccoli, and a few peas), but eats fruit.

DD2 likes her veg, will eat meat, but not that fussed and is absolutely phobic about fruit, after being forced to eat/try it at nursery. She literally shakes and gets upset if anyone tries to persuade her to eat fruit now, and won't sit next to her brother and sister if they are eating fruit, as she detests the smell. I never ever force it on her. She may change her mind when she is older, but as she eats plenty veg I don't see it being an issue.

DS loves potatoes, pasta and fish. Oh, and he loves prawns. He's not great at other meat, and is reluctant with veg (will eat carrots because they are orange! And peas) He is a voracious fruit-eater.

All three of them have been exposed to the same foods, and I don't cook separate meals. I never insist they eat everything on their plates, but we do have the "Dinner Winner" each night. This is either the first person to finish, OR the person who eats the best/ tries new stuff. Dinner Winner gets a badge, a song and first pick of "pudding", which is often a cookie or cupcake. I know it's daft, but they do seem to eat better since we introduced it. It doesn't mean they force down things they don't like, but does seem to make them a bit more willing to try. There are things (eg peppers, onions) that none of them eat, and I don't put those things on their plates. If we are having these things, I always ask if they want to try and on occasion they have said yes, but then not liked it. That's fine.

My DDs are expected to eat what they're given unless it makes them ill - and that rule applies both at home and elsewhere (unless, when elsewhere, the food offered isn't vegetarian/vegan, in which case a polite refusal and brief explanation is called for). It's called courtesy and respect afaiac. I don't go out of my way to cook unpopular foods but I won't avoid them like the plague if one person merely "doesn't like it" nor will I cook seperate meals or offer alternatives.

This approach clearly doesn't work for everyone but it does for me and I now have two teenagers who will eat almost everything provided that it's vegetarian.