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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel slightly ashamed telling people I'm a 'housewife' but also really enjoy being a 'housewife'?

99 replies

DarlingDuck · 10/09/2011 11:38

Not sure what the term is nowadays, housewife/homemaker/stay at home mum, but anyway I don't want this thread to turn into a sahm vs working mum row!

Basically I was brought up by very liberal feminist parents, I was always exepcted to go to uni, get a degree and have a good career, marriage and kids where never really mentioned.

I left school quite young with no qualifications, worked low paid jobs, travelled the world, got married and had three wonderful DC's.

I'm a housewife/homemaker/SAHM and am very happy doing this but I feel a real deep seated sense of shame when telling people I'm a housewife/homemaker/SAHM, aibu and does anyone have similar feelings?

OP posts:

Original poster

DarlingDuck · 10/09/2011 18:17

Can I just add that DH is a very hands on Dad, he also enjoys cooking and housework so it does work rather well, don't know if I would feel the same if we lived in a household where I was completely taken for granted and DH did nothing around the house.

I stayed for 3 months in Brasil with my ex's aunt and uncle and it was shocking, I have a massive amount of respect for his anunt. She had 5 children, ran her own business (along with her DH) when she got home cooked a full meal for around 8 people and did the housework while her DH put his feet up or went out. Weekends she worked all day in the home and she was UTTERLY taken for granted by her DH as well as her sons.

OP posts:

Karbea · 10/09/2011 18:32

Oh don't be ashamed, I really want to be a housewife, at my last appraisal I wanted to put it as my career plan but dh wouldn't let me. I fully intend to be a housewife soon and cannot wait!

Congratulations!

bigfatgypsy · 10/09/2011 18:34

Gosh I'm really surprised how many of us are ashamed to say they are a SAHM. I've always worked but would NEVER think badly of anyone who chose to stay at home with their children (well apart from occasionally feeling a bit jealous )

I think staying at home can be much harder work than going out to work, and I admire all those who enjoy staying at home. If you can afford to, and enjoy it then that is wonderful. Please never feel ashamed to say you look after your children rather than go to work.

Where I live I sometimes feel it the other way round, that people look down on me for working/using childcare etc rather than taking care of my children myself. We all do what's best for us. As long as you and your family are happy nothing else really matters.

larakitten · 10/09/2011 20:02

I feel the same too. I have a good degree, worked my way to a fairly senior position within my company, got pregnant, had a high risk pregnancy and a very ill DD and never went back........

I love being at home with her, wouldn't change it for anything. But I do hate sorting insurance out or anything else that involves giving my "occupation"....I'm not sure where the shame comes from, its almost like I am a worthless member of society??? I have literally last week set up my own wee business.......and am trying to get used to "self employed". But that feels like a fraud as its only a hobby really and my main job is looking after DD and the house and DH

I would say just enjoy it while you can - I am trying to but I get what you mean!

hairylights · 10/09/2011 20:11

You can't win, as a woman/mother. I get weird looks when people realise I'll be going back to work after maternity leave I'm a "career woman" have always work and always intend to ... Whatever we decide to do as women someone will find fault. Sod them. What matters is what's right for your own family.

joannita · 10/09/2011 20:16

Don't feel ashamed! Everyone has to make their own choices and respect other people's. There's always someone who will say you should be working or shouldn't be or you have an easy life or you should be doing XYz for your kids. Follow your instincts and be proud of what you do and sod anyone who doesn't agree!

Dexifehatz · 10/09/2011 20:17

Yes.Lazy and a sponger.

BeerTricksPotter · 10/09/2011 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaemmafrost · 10/09/2011 21:33

I do think some people wankerface, bell end exH and his family forget that as the SAHM of pre school children if you decided to take a job working out of the home you would actually have to employ someone to take care of your kids and that would be their JOB! Even when your children go to school there are people at their school who are employed to be responsible for them and teach them and that is their JOB. It would be a full time job that they could expect to be fairly renumerated for. They would get holiday pay and time off and everything. So why the fuck is it not a valid employment choice for yourself? Being a SAHM is nothing to be ashamed of, it is as valid a job as anyone elses.

I do get flaming mad when people disrespect SAHM's I really do and I have been on the receiving end of it more times than you would believe. OP best you don't feel ashamed or negative towards it yourself because there are thousands out there who without reason already do.

hairylights · 11/09/2011 10:25

"So why the fuck is it not a valid employment choice for yourself?"

It isn't employment. No-one is emplyoying a parent to look after their own child. The whole argument about parents being acknowledged for their contribution (and some argue they should be paid) is a red herring.

It's nothing to be ashamed of but it's both a choice and a responsibility.

I never asked anyone to have children, why the heck should I contribute to paying someone to look after their own children (which is what would be happening if the state paid SAHP).

akaemmafrost · 11/09/2011 10:38

Sorry hairylights but I disagree.

Any job that I would have to pay someone else to undertake can be classed as employment imvho.

That is not to say I think I should be paid by the state, I wouldn't take it that far, my children are my responsibility as you say, but my JOB as a SAHM should not be anything to be ashamed or or embarassed by or be seen by anyone as a less valid form of employment. Women who stay at home with their dc are sacrificing an incredible amount to do so and yes certainly the advantages are phenomenal, I love being at home with my kids but I will most likely never have any earning power ever again. I am forty now and have been out of the job market for 10 years, I have a SN child who will probably never live independently. For someone to care for him 24/7 as I do would cost a vast amount but I do it for minimal pay (CA). My future looks pretty scary I have to tell you. I am also a lone parent, "Dad" couldn't hack family life.

There is not many who would do MY job, paid or otherwise so yes I think I deserve some respect for it.

akaemmafrost · 11/09/2011 10:39

And for it to be seen as a valid "job".

metalelephant · 11/09/2011 10:51

I have met very irritating SAHMs and WOHMs, that criticise other people's choices and consider only their own way yo be right.
Personally I work part time from home, and for some of the year part time out as I'm a freelancer. So I get worst of both worlds!

I certainly don't think that feminism guilt trips people, that's consumerism and capitalism doing it as they only value work by earning power. Feminism has never bashed SAHMs. For me as a feminist I dislike hearing SAHMs saying that they didn't have children for somebody else to bring them up, that they think parents that work are somehow less caring or maternal.

OP what I think you lack in your life is a feeling of accomplishment outside of family life, something that you perhaps could do as a hobby initially and then, when your children are older, could become a job. Even if it's an hour a day, it would help perhaps to practice one thing that fulfils you and is only about you.

Writing, learning a 6th language (!), an open university course, learning an instrument, painting...

Just make sure it's for you and not another little thing for your loved ones, because I think that as women we are usually perceived as natural carers that would rather bake a cake for family to eat rather than one to sell. Let's face it, even though there are some SAHDs out there, nobody asks new dad if they plan to stay at home till their child goes to school...

hairylights · 11/09/2011 11:03

akae it's not your job, it's your choice and a responsibility you have chosen.

I did say it's nothing to be ashamed of but it absolutely isn't employment. Who's your boss, where's your job description and terms and conditions and your salary?

Sorry but you are wrong.

akaemmafrost · 11/09/2011 11:11

It IS my job. Sorry but it is. I will not be able to ever get what YOU deem to be employment because of my situation.

If I had to employ someone to care for my dc it would cost £££££. Any job that I do that someone else would be paid for is my JOB.

Sorry but you are wrong.

LDNmummy · 11/09/2011 11:13

I couldn't be a stay at home mum personally but i see no shame in it. it is hard work, unless you are wealthy enough to hire help, and even then it is your choice.

I think real feminists would see your right to choice and respect your choice.

hairylights · 11/09/2011 11:26

Then we agree to disagree!

akaemmafrost · 11/09/2011 11:28

Of course.

JillySnooper · 11/09/2011 13:23

God I'm not ashamed!

I'm bloody ecstatic! I love my life!

Milsean · 11/09/2011 13:38

Housewife is a stupid term. I'm not married to a house, and cleaning isn't my primary duty.

Smokedsalmonbagel · 11/09/2011 20:37

I know where you are coming from. There is an expectation these days that mums work.

I gave up work a year ago after DS2 was born. Its been hard work but I love it but a lot of my friends are surprised I haven't gone back. I just tell people I'm not working at the moment!

scottishmummy · 11/09/2011 20:41

dear god lose the home maker term.too martha stewart and twee
make your own choices,but yes housewife it is risky being financially dependent upon someone else

Cereal · 11/09/2011 20:44

I wouldn't want being SAHM to be "employment". Imagine if we had to be inspected, meet certain "targets", take exams...

scottishmummy · 11/09/2011 20:48

well housewife isnt a job,so no foreseeable chance of anyone paying for what is already undertaken for free

monkeypuzzeltree · 11/09/2011 20:55

I know exactly where you are coming from but I have come to the conclusion that I either get on and enjoy it for what it is now, or do the other thing. I have been a SAHM for 18 months now and it was only in the last 3 months that I have started to just get on with it - stopped worrying about what would happen when I went back to work - whenever that may be. Have been much happier since I took that approach.

I had a very successful career and people were amazed, as was I that I didn't go back, but I just decided that this was for me, for now. I feel incredibly lucky that I can do this and that it is making me happy. I'm just sad that so often it is women that make it hard for each other - why does that happen - we're our own worst enemy sometimes. Work or don't, we're all wrong and right for different reasons, just have to do our best.

Do agree though, I hate the term full time mum - I'm pretty sure my friends in the office don't feel that they are off duty!

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