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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel slightly ashamed telling people I'm a 'housewife' but also really enjoy being a 'housewife'?

99 replies

DarlingDuck · 10/09/2011 11:38

Not sure what the term is nowadays, housewife/homemaker/stay at home mum, but anyway I don't want this thread to turn into a sahm vs working mum row!

Basically I was brought up by very liberal feminist parents, I was always exepcted to go to uni, get a degree and have a good career, marriage and kids where never really mentioned.

I left school quite young with no qualifications, worked low paid jobs, travelled the world, got married and had three wonderful DC's.

I'm a housewife/homemaker/SAHM and am very happy doing this but I feel a real deep seated sense of shame when telling people I'm a housewife/homemaker/SAHM, aibu and does anyone have similar feelings?

OP posts:
notlettingthefearshow · 10/09/2011 12:43

I think it can be hard for working women to understand SAHMs. When I meet one I don't know what to say because I too am of the generation when you expect to have a career and continue with it while you raise children. However I am pregnant with my first so I can't really judge how my feelings will change - at the moment I expect to look forward to going back to work and continuing my career.

Let's face it, many parents purely work for the money and do not get a lot of satisfaction out of it. They would probably love to be a stay at home parent.

There will be time for a career when your children are older, if that's what you want, so don't feel like that door is closed.

glitterkitten · 10/09/2011 12:54

Of course it does. What other movement is responsible for making so many SAHMs feel ashamed of their desire to parent their children.

PedigreeChump · 10/09/2011 12:58

I'm worried about this in the future OP. DH and I have just started TTC and I already know I don't want to go back to work when I have little ones, but it will come as a massive shock to my friends/family. I know already I'll be seen as a bit of a failure and many will think I've made the wrong choice....

Awomancalledhorse · 10/09/2011 13:08

Darlingduck, I had liberal upbringing & was expected to go to University (even though I never wanted to...always wanted to housewife, remember having massive arguments with teachers because I'm 'above' staying at home).

I feel slightly shamed when there isn't room on a form to write 'homemaker' so end up ticking the unemployed box, and when I meet new people I can't just say 'I'm a housewife', I have to say 'I'm a housewife BUT I've been studying/volunteering'.
Of my friends, the ones I've had the hardest time with are the ones who work in minimum wage jobs, whenever I have a moan about having to buy something I normally get a snide 'well, it's alright for some not having to work!'.

I also like calling myself a Housewife, I know others hate the term, but I'm proud of it, even though I tend not to use it on MN!

Sorry for the essay!

Chocobo · 10/09/2011 13:15

Feminism does not peddle guilt.

Completely missing the point of feminsim and misunderstanding what it is all about peddles guilt.

Chocobo · 10/09/2011 13:17

Feminism is not responsible for making SAHM feel ashamed. If anything feminists are the ones who say women should have that choice and if they do choose to stay at home with the kids that role should have greater acknowledgment and status than it currently does in society.

missymarmite · 10/09/2011 13:18

YABU to feel ashamed. I would love to have a partner and be able to afford to be a SAHM. There's nothing wrong with being a working mum either. The important thing is that you can provide for the needs of your children, while leading a reasonably fulfilled life. If you and DP and DC are happy, it's no one else's business and you don't need to feel guilty.

Pagwatch · 10/09/2011 13:21

Femi ism does not peddal guilt. Only we responsible for choosing to feel guilty.

I am a sahm. I was a wohm. I do what is best for my family.
Why would I feel ashamed of meeting my families needs.

Perhaps you should ask yourself why you are prepared to accept twats of any sex who tell you that traditional male role = worthwhile and traditional female role = worthless.
What guff.
Why do women do this shit to themselves?

Nowtspecial · 10/09/2011 13:31

I am a Sahm, or full-time mother as we put on our latests birth certificate. I feel no shame, why would I, I am doing nothing wrong. I don't like the term housewife as I am at home for my children, not for my husband, housemum ? Consider myself a feminist.

FootballFriend · 10/09/2011 13:34

DarlingDuck - is it the no career etc that bothers you or the lack of education?

zukiecat · 10/09/2011 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ssd · 10/09/2011 13:42

because they're human pagwatch

tulpe · 10/09/2011 13:55

Be proud to be a housewife and be proud that you enjoy it :)

I agree that feminism doesn't peddle an anti-SAHM message. As Pagwatch says, it's about giving women a choice and expecting society to give women respect and acceptance of their choices. However, there are some women who call themselves feminists and have twisted the message to say that basically if you stay at home you are somehow letting the side down.

I am a housewife too. I used to feel a bit embarrassed - especially when DCs went to school - and therefore used to say "oh I was a psychologist before I had DCs and now I am at home with them". In retrospect, I should have had the balls to not include a reference to my previous career but I suppose I felt it validated me in some way.

A term I really dislike though is "Full-time Mother". I don't believe any mother stops being a mother because she works outside of the home. All mothers are full time.

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 10/09/2011 14:01

It's the lack of career. I was always very bright at school and did an access course 7 years ago which gained me a place to read politics at Bristol university. I declined the place as I realised it's not really what I wanted, I was just doing it to live up to expectations.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarlingDuck · 10/09/2011 14:09

Reading these posts has actually given me the confidence to call myself a housewife, loud and proud! That's not to say I think mum's who work are any 'less than' either, I just want to be able to feel proud about my personal choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarlingDuck · 10/09/2011 14:12

Here is the Lily Allen link, am just about to read it

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 10/09/2011 14:20

Ssd
Of course they are human.
But it is still bizarre that we make a choice about our homes and our lives which is done from the position of loving our families and trying to do our best and then feel ashamed.
And that that is often because of what other women say to us.

The wohm/sahm threads always leave me baffled. We happily batter other womens choices because we are ingesting privately about our own.

It is odd isn't it

Fuzzled · 10/09/2011 14:24

I used to permanently feel ashamed, until I had a revelation during counselling recently.

Long story short, I got a degree, but through circumstance, ended up in a different profession starting at the bottom, but one with a clear career path for the motivated where I could have made some serious money. I hated it. I was on AD's permanently and didn't feel happy despite being happily married IYSWIM.

Then my mum died of cancer and my profession made me feel guilty for taking the last two weeks of her life off to spend it with her. It took me about another year to get my head straight and I left for a "boring" admin job which I absolutely love.

I now have an 11mo DS who I adore, and my work have bent over backwards to keep me. I'm now a WAHM and the job fits around DS; the expectation is that I will increase my hours and frequency of office hours as he gets older.

BUT I use to feel embarrassed that I wasn't using my degree, that I'm a WAHM (as opposed to putting DS in childcare so he socialises) and that my life revolves around cooking, cleaning and family - despite the fact that I love it. And it's always other women that made me feel this way, with little comments about being middle-aged before my time, about my brain atrophying, and general snide remarks.

But, "feminism" (as a shorthand for "must work or you're letting the side down") be damned. I love what I am right now! Smile

oranges · 10/09/2011 14:31

But that's just it. Feminism is NOT shorthand for "must work or you're letting the side down." It argues that ALL women do, including giving birth and caring for children and the elderly, is valuable work and should be recognised as valuable. It also argues that those jobs - of caring for children, the elderly and housework, is not something ONLY women must do, or that it is ALL women can do. Is that so hard to understand?

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 10/09/2011 17:45

oranges - that's a great post Grin

There is such irony in the 'you are letting the side down because you are a SAHM' point of view or as someone put it so well in another thread "'Are you a woman? Here's another foot kicking you down and making you feel like shit. But we can get away with it because a woman wrote it. Ha ha on you, thicky women"

OP posts:
JodieHarsh · 10/09/2011 17:50

If I had to say I were a housewife, I would feel ashamed - NOT because I think it is not a valuable path in life, but because it would mean that, for me, there were ambitions and desires that had gone unfulfilled.

The problem is not that you are a 'housewife' but that it causes you shame. Does this suggest that subconsciously you feel you didn't meet your potential in other ways? And if so, what can you do about it? Are your children school age so that you have time to devote to developing yourself in other directions?

If the shame is purely worry that what others think, then sod it. Your life, your choice, your happiness!

WilsonFrickett · 10/09/2011 18:07

What Oranges said, but having said that I did take a little while to 'find myself' after stopping work (I freelance from home but it is very much built round DS school hours). Society does put a lot of emphasis on what people do outside the home and as someone who had always had a very fulfilling career, I missed that part of me when I stopped doing it. I liked saying 'Oh I am a high-powered professional-type thing'.

But that's not feminism that made me feel that way, it's capitalism and materialism that made me feel that work outside the home had a higher value and social cachet than work insided the home.

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 10/09/2011 18:08

DC's are still very young and there are a lot of things I would love to do in the future but for me being a housewife is what truley makes me happy. I love travelling & lived abroad for 6 years, I speak 5 languages and would like to learn more in the future, I do have a lot of ambitions and desires, if I ever lost these I would start to worry!

OP posts:
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 10/09/2011 18:12

YANBU.

When I was a SAHM I used to be so ashamed of my status that when introduced to new people and got the dreaded "so what do you do?" question I used to reply "unemployed".

I'm now an unashamed working mum.

DrCoconut · 10/09/2011 18:17

Don't feel guilty. Make the most of it. I'm loving being at home and not feeling at all bad about it, but it all ends in just under 3 weeks as my return to work date is looming and we can't afford to tell them to stuff it! :(