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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what others would consider constitutes serious, or extreme, domestic violence?

77 replies

Multiplication · 09/09/2011 18:10

This is for myself, not for any sort of a project. Your views would really help.

I'm not new but I have name changed.

OP posts:
minimisschief · 09/09/2011 18:11

Any physical contact intended to hurt

ObiWan · 09/09/2011 18:12

Oh, I wasn't aware that one could experience mild domestic violence.

Is that the sort you're just supposed to live with?

hairylights · 09/09/2011 18:12

What mini said. My ex used to spit at me and I consider that serioius and extreme (now that I'm not enmeshed in it).

Mitmoo · 09/09/2011 18:16

Emotional domestic violence can take longer to heal that tne physical stuff. there can be financial abuse where a woman or man can't go out and have the freedom of their own finances, there can be emotional abuse where the woman or man is separated from their friends and family.

You can't compare the levels of abuse.

defineme · 09/09/2011 18:16

If my dh touched me in any physically violent way what so ever-that would be very serious and cause to leave immediatly. I would include shoving, nipping, pinching, flicking, slapping, hair pulling - anything in an aggressive manner.

bananatrifle · 09/09/2011 18:17

Abuse, including domestic violence, comes in various forms, including physical and emotional and can happen once or repeatedly.

Physical can include being spat on, raped, hit, strangled, pushed etc

Emotional can include bullying, controlling behaviour, inducing fear etc.

Any kind of abuse, in my eyes, means that the person doing it doesn't really love (meaning a healthy kind of love) the person they're doing it to, the relationship has another meaning for them.

I hope you're not experiencing something like this?

LadyOfTheManor · 09/09/2011 18:17

Verbal abuse, mental abuse...

Sooo, name calling, manipulation (without strength/force) and manipulation (with strength/force)...cutting ties with friends/family members because they are being encouraged by the abusive partner. It isn't always slaps and hits...but it can often lead to that.

Original poster
Multiplication · 09/09/2011 18:17

Are there people out there on MN who've lived with it for years? Is it appalling of the mother not to just up and leave (with the DC of course)?

OP posts:
LadyOfTheManor · 09/09/2011 18:19

I suffered terrible abuse from an ex of mine for 2 years; it was before I had children and I suffered a nervous breakdown, tried to commit suicide and had to seek professional help.

I only suffered a few broken bones but the mental abuse that came with that still haunts me today, and I'm now happily married with one beautiful son and one en route...I don't think you can ever fully escape it.

LadyOfTheManor · 09/09/2011 18:21

I had friends asking me why I didn't "just leave"...but you become so weak and you get the feeling that there's no way you can stand on your own two feet, especially since you've alienated all your friends and family...it isn't as easy as getting up and walking out.

Kayano · 09/09/2011 18:21

It's not always the case they can up and leave though, some women are manipulated and controlled to the point that they blame themselves for their partners being violent, or have web manipulated into ruining
Parter will take DCs off them or if she leaves it will do more damage to DCs than if she stays....

It's all untrue but it depends on the nature of the abuse and the person being abused as to how soon they can gather the strength to get out Sad

bananatrifle · 09/09/2011 18:21

Have had a few experiences of physical abuse myself, but not in a sustained way.

Emotional......... now there's another story.

I know it sounds cheesey, but now I've moved on in my life and am with someone who I love and who loves me, I know now what it's supposed to be like. And abuse just doesn't, would never, ever feature in it.

It takes a huge amount of strength for anyone to leave the situation they're in, no matter how appalling. You just don't want to split the family up and you are always hoping it'll get better.

ObiWan · 09/09/2011 18:21

It is not appalling of anyone who finds themselves in that situation to stay.

It is horribly difficult to leave. I thinks that's where the idea of 'degrees' of abuse/violence creeps in. People think, 'oh, it could be worse...'

Then it gets worse, and stays bad.

If you are afraid to leave, call Womens Aid. That first step is the hardest. After that, just the idea of having a real person out there who'll help you sort things out makes it less scary.

FabbyChic · 09/09/2011 18:22

Being beaten so bad my face looked like I'd been in a car crash, broken nose, eye so swollen could not open it for four days and the hospital telling my my sight was at risk. My back covered in bruises where I was kicked. People asking me if I'd had car accident.

Having to tell my kids I was mugged, my nose bled for two hours.

Before that I was with someone who head butted me in front of our kids and broke my nose.

With the guy who made me look like a monster, I had a black eye a week, and a few broken noses.

Even a week after my serious assault the bruises to my body were still coming out.

LineRunner · 09/09/2011 18:22

I think you need to have a good read of the MN site, OP. It will give you the background and information you seek.

Original poster
Multiplication · 09/09/2011 18:24

No bananatrifle, thanks, not any more because I finally asked H to leave me and the DC and he had little choice (the house was mine).

OP posts:
TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 09/09/2011 18:24

being hit. At all.

Having the children live in a situation where a parent is being hit, and suffering the damage that can do to them.

Being afraid

having the children afraid

There's no such thing as minor domestic violence.

TBH, I wish the word 'domestic' would be dropped.

Call it what it is - Assault. Abuse. Violence. It terrifies the victim and it scars the children. Calling it 'domestic violence', well, it just takes it back to the days when everyone turned a blind eye to a woman sporting a bust lip and keeping The Wife in line with a backhander wasn't such a big deal.

bananatrifle · 09/09/2011 18:25

You've done a brave thing. Things will get better from now on. You've turned the corner.

Good luck x

LadyOfTheManor · 09/09/2011 18:26

and please remember that men are also abused.

Original poster
Multiplication · 09/09/2011 18:29

I didn't know there was a site here LineRunner, on relationships you mean?

Fabby, more than one person? That's so bad. I'm sorry.

It was more on that scale with me, not quite as bad, but I stayed for years and the DC saw.

OP posts:
DaisyDaresYOU · 09/09/2011 18:38

I sometimes wonder if im in abusive relationship op.He's nice sometimes but horrible most times.He speaks to me in such a horrible tone and he laughs and takes the piss when he makes me cry.His even humiliated me in shops. Id leave tommorow if I had somewhere to go.Oh and he has spat at me about 3 times in face,flem and all.My mum was horrified when I told her and she had just came out of a violent marriage

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 09/09/2011 18:39

Yes daisy. You are in an abusive relationship.

Or rather, you are being abused by your partner. The 'relationship' is not abusive. The man you are with is abusing you.

bananatrifle · 09/09/2011 18:41

Doesn't sound good DaisyDaresYOU - can you imagine spitting on someone you love? What do you think you'd be feeling about that person in order for you to do something like that?

My ex did that to me (among other things) and although I never ended up with a battered face, or in hospital, over time, the way he spoke to me and the fact he pushed (but never hit) me around, and the ultimate insult - spat at me (not all in that order) made me realise he didn't love me.

Took time, and a breakdown for me to realise that.

FabbyChic · 09/09/2011 18:45

Kids dad ten years, emotional and mild physical cruelty hands round throat when he was angry type of thing. He has done it with his subsequent girlfriends to a more serious degree and is on probation now.

Seven years with a bore, then moved here, a year with a beater.

GingerWrath · 09/09/2011 18:49

Any abuse is abuse, and it will always escalate. I suffered a controller, it took me 18 months to get out.