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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what others would consider constitutes serious, or extreme, domestic violence?

77 replies

Multiplication · 09/09/2011 18:10

This is for myself, not for any sort of a project. Your views would really help.

I'm not new but I have name changed.

OP posts:
LRDTheFeministDragon · 09/09/2011 18:53

All domestic violence is serious. All domestic violence is extreme. It's never 'normal'.

DaisyDaresYOU · 09/09/2011 18:59

He controlls my bank card aswell.I don't have it.He said his not a financial abuser because he lets me have it to pay my contract.Somedays I feel like giving up but I have dcs.I'd say if you have somewhere to go then go op.He was a good dad to his dcs,he was a single dad.I wouldn't of had dcs otherwise but he has a hate for women..He says some awful stuff about his sisters weight.I pull him up on it and say your dsis is not a lard ass ffs.

captainmummy · 09/09/2011 19:02

Daisydares - there is ALWAYS somewhere to go. Womens refuges, friends sofas, live-in job?

DaisyDaresYOU · 09/09/2011 19:03

It's starting to dawn on me now that the things he does are abusive.I only have to say something and he screeches at me to shut the fuck up,He hates hearing my voice.Oh he absolutly hates my voice.He tells me all the time.Sorry op not being much help Sad

bananatrifle · 09/09/2011 19:05

DaisyDaresYOU It's not good for your dcs to see you in this situation. I'm glad he is (was?) a good dad, but being a good dad also means being a good role model.

And making their mum unhappy and controlling her isn't being a good role model.

If you stay you run the risk of your dcs thinking this type of relationship is ok.

I know it's hard to come out of a relationship, but, believe me, although a new life may be a scary prospect but it can only be a good thing to stop this abuse.

I don't want to tell you what to do, but I think you need to think about your happiness here.

DaisyDaresYOU · 09/09/2011 19:10

Embarrasing to say I have no friends or famiy here.He wont move out threatened ss on me saying I can't cope with the kids.Which is bull.I near enough brung up my pfb single handedly because he was not coming home.Yes it hard work as dd was getting up 3times in the night til 2 and a bit I was the one getting up to her whilst havin to get up for school run aswell.

DaisyDaresYOU · 09/09/2011 19:12

Oh I think of my happiness but he wont go.Uses ss against me the fact his on the tenacy against me.

slightlymad72 · 09/09/2011 19:16

Daisy have a look at the womens aid web site, its packed full of info, there is also a forum (which you have to be a member of to view) they also tell you how to cover your tracks online, just incase he checks your history.

DaisyDaresYOU · 09/09/2011 19:17

Is it abusive.Because I feel stupid because he doesnt controll me but my card.He lets me out all done up in next to nothing and says how beautiful I am.It's so confusing.Argh!

bananatrifle · 09/09/2011 19:18

Everything you're saying about how he speaks to you and treats you is him being abusive to you.

You can cope by yourself as you've already proved.

You'll be able to cope even better if he's not in your life, constantly bringing you down.

I'm not saying it's all a bed of roses to break up and to be by yourself with the dcs, but it is a lot better than the situation you're in now.

You'd be amazed at how strong and confident you can feel by yourself, once the dust settles.

NotADudeExactly · 09/09/2011 19:21

Any domestic violence. Or indeed any abuse even if it is not physically violent.

I have an issue with the use of the words "serious" or "extreme" in this context because they imply - as a matter of definition - that there would also be not so serious cases.

LDNmummy · 09/09/2011 19:21

I went through physical, emotional, mental and verbal and financial abuse with my first boyfriend for 3 out of 4 years. I was only a teenager at the time and didn't understand what was happening to me.

My second boyfriend was not physical at all but he was a control freak (as was the first) and always putting me down. I didn't see this was still abuse but in a different form.

For me it can't be as simple as answering your question OP, every situation is different. But, I think if you have to question something, then there is already an inkling that something isn't quite right.

Both of them were lovely half the time and then horrid the rest. My first boyfriend showed no signs of this till we were together for a year and no one ever believed him possible of it when it all came out in the open.

I thank my blessings every day for finding my DH who would never treat me this way. Luckily (or maybe not so luckily) I have reached a point where I would see the warning signs straight away now.

slightlymad72 · 09/09/2011 19:21

When he 'lets' you out all done up, is he always with you? Does he tell you what to wear? Does he kick up a stink when you want to go out with your friends and not him?

By controlling your card, he is controlling you. Threatening SS is controlling you.

DaisyDaresYOU · 09/09/2011 19:23

I've told him his an emotional and financial abuser but it falls on deaf ears.He lists all the things he does washing up,cooking,cleaning(i do aswell)took us away etc.Then i'm left looking the baddie.His sis said to him last week if Daisy had a big brother he'd rip your head off the way you speak to his little sister.His Sis has seen him like it with me

Original poster
Multiplication · 09/09/2011 19:26

Daisy I've just whizzed back on but have to do DC stuff for the next couple of hours. It all helps, the whole thread does, I hope it may help others too.

I left it years and years, stupidly. It's about the DC, that's the thing. I'm fine.

H says it never happened, even now and even though the DC saw it and heard it and can recall it clearly, sadly.

I never really counted it as way beyond the norm until now, I just thought we had a bad marriage.

OP posts:
DaisyDaresYOU · 09/09/2011 19:27

Nope thats the thing slightymad.If I say im going out he will say ok.He tried to get me friends but i'm a bit shy(Working on that btw)He has the kids when I go out.Doesnt moan that I go out or even that men are all over me.Thats why I find it confusing

Kladdkaka · 09/09/2011 19:28

Fear. From the moment of waking up until going to sleep. Living on eggshells and putting his wants/needs above all else through fear of not doing so.

DaisyDaresYOU · 09/09/2011 19:31

I think im so used to abusive people that im sort of used to it and that why I have put up with it for so long.

LineRunner · 09/09/2011 19:33

OP, Yes I mean there are many threads throughout the whole MN website, mostly on Relationships, with advice, experiences, discussions, etc. You can use the 'search' facility or just dip in.

You'll see that you are not alone, that you should never feel guilty, and that you can and will move forward. There is some very, very good advice on this site. Good luck.

LDNmummy · 09/09/2011 19:34

OP as someone who stayed for a few years with someone like that, I can only imagine how much harder it is to leave when you have children involved.

Abusers can make you feel (as mine did) that it is impossible to leave for whatever reason.

My ex also acts as if it never happened, I have stopped being angry about his lack of acknowledgement as my life has moved on and gotten better.

slightlymad72 · 09/09/2011 19:38

Daisy i understand completly, I lived in an abusive family for 16 years, my father, the abuse covered physical and emotional. I was also sexually abused for over 2 years by a family friend. I then went on to have 2 abusive relationships, one lasted 12 months the other 6 years. I knew it was wrong but it was 'normal', it was only when a friend (now DH) showed me that it wasn't normal, that it wasn't what my life was supposed to me, did I find the courage and strength to change things.

MardyArsedMidlander · 09/09/2011 19:43

To me- domestic abuse is anything he does to you that he wouldn't DARE do to a stranger on the street. Either because it's a criminal act or because he'd get smacked for it.

Threatening, spitting, controlling- is this how he behaves at work or down the pub? OR is he doing this because he thinks he can get away with it with you?

DaisyDaresYOU · 09/09/2011 19:47

Thats really sad,sorry to hear that.Mine was stepmother from hell and a truely spiteful emotionally abusive bully,who couldn't stand the fact my dad had dcs and was jelous of us.Got raped by a stranger in my teens.I still still see my dad and her.Only because even though he lets me down and still blames me I love him

Ladypunk · 09/09/2011 20:12

No person deserves any kind of abuse - if someone called you a name in the street you'd complain, yes? Therefore in your home, any kind of abuse, verbal, physical, is totally unacceptable. Your home should be a safe and loving place, anything less than that is not good enough for you or your children.

Try to find some strengh from people around you - even if it's a local support group and get out, even if it takes you some time to find the courage. You must try to do this - please try.

Good luck lady.

xxx

SmethwickBelle · 09/09/2011 20:16

Please tell me you're well away from those men (and owt like them) now Fabby?

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