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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask them if they mind going to a different restaurant???

98 replies

TwigletPig · 08/09/2011 10:50

Dh, me and 2 young DC's have arranged to meet my dad at a well known restaurant chain today as he is going away tomorrow for 2 weeks.

Have just found out DB and his GF have arranged to meet my mum and her friend in the same restaurant. Dad refuses to do this because this would be awkward as parents divorced and don't speak.

There is another branch of this restaurant literally 3 minutes walk away, excatly the same just smaller. we would rather go to the first one as they have a space for buggies and more space for highchairs.

Called mum to ask if she wouldn't mind going to restaurant no 2, she said she had arranged to meet my brother at restaurant no 1 so that is where they are going. I called DB to ask if he mided going to restaurant no 2 and he freaked out, saying restaurant no1 was next to the shop he and his girlfriend wanted to go in then said oh fuck it we won't bother going at all and hung up....

Aibu?

OP posts:

SouthernFriedTofu · 08/09/2011 17:17

I wouldn't move restaurants because someone said the couldnt be in the same room as me

DandyLioness · 08/09/2011 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/09/2011 17:21

And you still haven't answered my question, about how you think your mother and brother feel after this incident.

Quintessentialist · 08/09/2011 17:26

Just cancel. Outing is ruined now anyway. He is only away two weeks, surely no need for a celebration?

fedupofnamechanging · 08/09/2011 17:27

She only called her brother because her mum said that it was him who wanted to meet in that particular restaurant.

I'm sure the brother knows that the dad was trying to avoid the mum, and not him. I doubt the mum is thrilled, but they are divorced, so I doubt if it will come as a surprise that he doesn't like her.

Original poster

TwigletPig · 08/09/2011 17:31

How do I think they feel about being politely asked if they would mind eating at the branch 3 minutes away as it is difficult for me to take my DC's there?

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 08/09/2011 17:31

You arranged something, your dad is kicking off about it, your mum is OK about it, but your brother is refusing to budge.

Fine then, leave it as it is.

You are an adult, your mum is an adult and if your dad and B are going to be pathetic about it, let them.

Your dad is the one dictating the day as he is off away. Detach and let them be.

HerHissyness · 08/09/2011 17:32

It's convenient for YOU, the others know what it entails, so you have done your best.

2rebecca · 08/09/2011 17:32

I would not have phoned anyone if the person I planned to eat with didn't want to be in aparticular restaurant because someone else was there. It is a problem for me and the person I planned to eat with. We need to decide what we are going to do as we are the ones being fussy (well your dad is but as you were eating together the 2 of you had a problem).
No way should the other party of brother and mum been involved in this, they didn't have a problem with their restaurant.
Small pushchairs are really handy though, umbrella buggies are much more useful than giant ones.
You and you dad should just have chosen somewhere else or eaten in the original restaurant without making a fuss and trying to manipulate other family members.
You do seem to think you are more important than your brother just because you have a small kid and a big pushchair.

DandyLioness · 08/09/2011 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

TwigletPig · 08/09/2011 17:38

No I don't think I am more important than him, I simply asked if he would swap as it would make it easier for us with the children. Not a big deal.

DB didn't want us to go to the restaurant with my Dad while he was there with my mum but I imagine my Dad would have been ok going there if I'd requested it again.

We had all arranaged to go to the same one without realising the other would be there.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 08/09/2011 17:39

well, she did say that her child eats well at this particular place and they are trying to get his weight back up. I'd make allowances in that particular situation.

On the whole though, I do think she should stop trying to accommodate her parents in these situations, because it just results in hassle for her and no matter what, she won't be able to make things right for either of them.

Original poster

TwigletPig · 08/09/2011 17:51

Another thing, I really do bend over backwards for DB, DM and dad. DB often asks for massive favours and if I always help him out, my mum as well. We cook for them twice a week and DH has just spent the day helping DB move house. I don't begrudge it at all, I just think he could have eaten 3 minutes away as a favour to me because it would have been difficult for me with the DC's.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/09/2011 18:03

"How do I think they feel about being politely asked if they would mind eating at the branch 3 minutes away as it is difficult for me to take my DC's there?"
No, OP. How do you think they feel being obliquely told that their wishes (and by implication, they themselves) are less important to you than your father wishes (and by implication, him)? Are you as lacking in emotional intelligence as you are determined to appear, OP?

And you really should stop moving those goalposts. First it was your parents not wanting to be in the same restaurant, then it was the buggy, then DS's health, now DB being ungrateful ...

fedupofnamechanging · 08/09/2011 18:03

In that case Twiglet, I think you scale right back on doing favours for your DB. There should be give and take on both sides, not one person doing all the giving and the other doing all the taking.

Next time he asks for something, say no. if he asks why, tell him the truth - that he didn't want to put himself out for you, so you are no longer prepared to put yourself out for him. To do otherwise, makes you a mug.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/09/2011 18:07

To me this doesn't come across as the OP thinking she is more important - just her saying that she has a specific reason why this restaurant is suitable, and given that they don't have a need for the additional space it wouldn't be a problem for them to go to the other branch.

EssW2 · 08/09/2011 18:15

I do agree with Karma on that.
It sounds as if you whole family dynamic is a minefield. You stepped on a mine trying to make things 'all right' for your Dad - let him do his own damn dirty work. HE could have called your DB, HE could have suggested an alternative buggy-friendly food-friendly restaurant since according to your explanation HE was the one who didn't want to be in the sxame place as your mum (which is actually understandable).

You didn't call your DB and ask him to swap out of any bad intention, but by trying to make it all right for other pelpe you did unintentionally, perhaps, spread the problem further from it's centre. You seem to be working hard to make things OK for others - maybe stand back and let them sort out their own shit?

My Mum always ends up making everyone fed up in the course of her machinations to 'make it nice' on someone else's behalf, and she never understands why it is her that everyone gets irritated with.

Squitten · 08/09/2011 18:35

The lesson to take from all this, OP, is just to keep your month shut next time. Fact is, if you had all met unexpectedly it would likely have been fine.

Never put yourself in the middle of this kind of familial warfare because the messenger inevitably gets shot.

bubby64 · 08/09/2011 18:47

I have had simular probs in the past, FiL has walked out on a family party (neices 16th) because MiL arrived, and MiL didn't come to our wedding because we wouldn't ban FiL from coming!
We now just let them both get on with making fools of themselves (they are both now in their 70s; both remarried and both had new families!)

Original poster

TwigletPig · 09/09/2011 08:50

WhereYouLeftIt - it was all of those things, no goalposts where moved, no parties where made to feel less important (spoke to DB last night, turns out he got out of the wrong side of bed) and no I am not lacking in emotional intelligence. I must say you sound more than a little paranoid and antagonistic, I realise we are starngers and it is none of my business but perhaps it is something you ought to address.

OP posts:

Morloth · 09/09/2011 10:22

I think you should stop enabling all their bullshit.

TheControversialJessie · 09/09/2011 11:32

Take the advice of the past posters with similar families, and tell your father and mother to act like mature family elders.

It's only going to get more complicated every year if you keep accommodating them, and continuing this precedent that they should be accommodated.

Mutt · 09/09/2011 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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