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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Benefits or move in with DP?

97 replies

beautifulswan · 07/09/2011 15:41

I have been a single mother living on benefits in a council flat for some time. I don't like living on benefits and would like to come off. (I have been job seeking for some time and unable to find work)

The opportunity has arisen for me to move in with my DP who I have been with for 5.5 years. As he is a high earner, will that mean I wont be entitled to anything myself? Will I lose child tax credits? (He is a high earner) Will it mean I'll have absolutely zero of my own money? I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:

worzelswife · 09/09/2011 13:18

I agree LaWeasal.

You'd just be making yourself too vulnerable.

worzelswife · 09/09/2011 13:19

Apologies LaWeasel

Knackered, sorry. I can spell really.

SansaLannister · 09/09/2011 13:29

Imagine having to ask for £20 like a teenager, to meet a mate for coffee or go to the cinema. Then him saying, 'What do yo need that for?' Or beg money for tampons, a haircut, a new coat, makeup, a book or music and his vetoeing it, 'You don't need that,' and then you really have no other recourse.

And stuck out in the middle of nowhere sat at home all day, even less chance of employment, unable to drive, isolated from mates and family.

No chance.

pinkdelight · 09/09/2011 13:34

Agree that it's madness to live somewhere remote with no money and no car. Guess it would've been better to get into debt for driving lessons rather than holidays and then you'd be a step closer to the solution, which I do think is to crack the job issue rather than for him to pay for everything, unless he also proposes marriage.

adamschic · 09/09/2011 13:36

I would rethink the idea when you get a job and can support yourself and your child.

I don't really blame him for not wanting to give someone full access to his bank account. I think he was being reasonable to say that he would pay for everything but in this day and age women need to have their own money aswell. Unless you are married and prepared to share everything, I suppose, but even then I could never live of a man, ever.

Also you said you had debts, would he be happy to pay off your debts for you?

I hope you don't think less of him because of this a ruin and perfectly good relationship.

SansaLannister · 09/09/2011 13:40

If I were with someone I loved for nearly 6 years and could afford it, there's no way I'd see him in debt because of a holiday we took together or buy his own drinks when I knew he didn't have any money.

Kayzr · 09/09/2011 13:43

I've recently moved in with my DP. I went from getting £250 a week to getting £10.50. All the money coming into the house is DPs and then the child benefit. He puts money in my account as and when I need/want it and it works very well for us.

I honestly think the people saying not to move in until you are married are mad. I would never marry someone that I hadn't lived with.

pinkdelight · 09/09/2011 14:00

That's really interesting Kayzr. So it can work. My mother was always the bigger breadwinner but put the money in a joint account and my dad gave her spending money each week, just so he didn't feel like less of a man. I think couples can come to all kinds of arrangements, with all kinds of checks and balances of what they do for each other that may seem weird to others. The main thing is that you love each other and can come to an agreement. I hope the OP can cos I do agree it sounds like a decent relationship.

SansaLannister - again, I don't see why that is cause to blame the boyfriend. The OP went along with it. Her financial stability is her own business and if she chose to jeopardise it to go on holiday, how can he be the only one at fault?

dorie · 09/09/2011 14:08

You have been with the father of your dc for 5 years and are claiming as a single parent?? Whatever happened to a good, solid relationship before children? Sorry but it is people like you who give single parents a bad name. If you want your own money do the same as most - work for it - or else put up and shut up like the majority of mothers who choose to stay home and raise their children, leaving their OH to bring home the bacon in return for raising his dc.

Kayzr · 09/09/2011 14:18

My DP does work away for 5 weeks though. So he puts less in my account when he's at home. But only because to us it makes sense that he pays for shopping, clothes etc etc from his account rather than give me the money to buy exactly the same stuff.

pinkdelight · 09/09/2011 14:28

Dorie - I don't think he is the father of her DC, unless I've missed something. So calm down.

dorie · 09/09/2011 14:55

Pink I am assuming you are right - I cant be arsed to go through the thread tbh. BUT does the OP's relationship with her DP depend on how much money she can rake in from the Government? Either he wants her and her DC as a package or he doesn't. If he does then he could relieve some burden from the Govt.

If he doesn't then maybe she should realise that shagging him wont make a blind bit of difference to her future. She could move on and find someone worhwhile to invest in. Of course her answer would be "Let everyone else be financially responsible for my mistakes". This is why UK is in the financial state it is. There are way too many "single" mothers defrauding the system.

startAfire · 09/09/2011 17:52

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kidzrfreaky · 09/09/2011 18:06

When it matters there are men who want their woman and their baggage. And there are men who want their leg over on tap. OP it is for you to decide if your man loves you for who you are or if he wants you as a bedmate. The choice is yours. Either way if he has been your dedicated partner for 6 years he should be keeping you instead of leaving the taxpayer to ensure you have money in your pocket. Money which is not rightly yours by the way! Oh yer of course it is. It is wot you are entitled to right?

I am waiting for the day that this goverment sees the wood beyond the trees.

startAfire · 09/09/2011 18:16

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SoftKittyWarmKitty · 09/09/2011 18:25

OP you've made the right decision not to move in with him. You'd be very vulnerable if you did. Also if you can't discuss and agree on things like having a joint account and paying off your debts, then it would never work.

The other thing I'd say is that you need to start saying 'No, sorry I can't afford it', when he expects you to buy drinks or pay for your holiday money - surely it's better not to have go out/go on holiday at all if you can't afford it? I'm not judging (I can hardly do that when I'm a single parent in debt myself) but I you need to rethink your financial priorities. It doesn't sound like he'll help you do that.

What you need to decide is where you go from here. As you've said no to moving in because of his attitude to what would be the family finances, you now know that unless this changes, you'll never live together. So, your next decision will probably need to be do you stay with him for the next 6 years, or do you move on and look for someone who'll treat you as his true partner?

digitalrevolution · 09/09/2011 18:34

OP, I find it interesting that you've not made any mention at all of the relationship between your DP and your children. For me (as another LP), that would be one of the most important things to consider when thinking about cohabiting, not just rushing to get off benefits just to relieve your social conscience. Living in the same home as another adult will be a huge change for the children and you have to make sure it's the right decision, because it will result in another uprooting otherwise and your children have already gone through that once.

Original poster

beautifulswan · 13/09/2011 10:57

Thank you all again for the advice. DR their relationship is great and I have no qualms about moving in with him in that respect (hence why I didn't even mention it!)

Dorie, kidz, "Shagging" "Bedmate" I'm so sorry I forgot that as a single parent I am obviously not in a meaningful loving relationship and maybe not even capable of one, probably not entitled to one? You talk absolute shite and I can't be arsed with you either.

At the beginning of our relationship he wanted to get married but I didn't. 2 years ago I wanted to but he said he needed to think about it and didn't want to rush into anything. I have mentioned it again (this last week) and he isn't keen on rushing into anything, again.

Softkitty you are right, I have been given so much food for thought what with all the replies on here and my partners discussions about it. I don't think I do want another 6 years of this.

All I am sure about at the moment is I'm not going to give up my and my DDs home without any offer of security what so ever.

OP posts:

startAfire · 13/09/2011 11:25

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notsorted · 13/09/2011 11:32

This will sound terribly old-fashioned, but you have a lot to lose if it goes wrong. Since you have discussed marriage before, I think perhaps sitting down and talking about all the implications with him would be good. Does he understand in depth how single parents survive and if you are not working what position you would be in if the relationship broke down?
Prenups are worthless in UK law. Say it's marriage or separate homes. Sadly, marriage is the only form of financial security in such a position for you - wish it weren't so, but sadly it is and likely to be more so given political tide at the moment

Original poster

beautifulswan · 13/09/2011 12:03

I have told him, yes. I have told him I wont give up our home unless we marry and the house we live in goes in my name too. He knows if we split up (neither of us have any intention of doing so) we will be homeless and in an area with extremely high rent. He still says he is sad we wont live with him but doesn't want to be railroaded into it. (!) To which I say, fine, we'll stay as we are then. How can you expect me to give up everything (to me) for absolutely nothing in return, except words and promises.

I'd just like to add, that he isn't an evil person trying to get me in a vulnerable position and I hope I never implied that, we are happy together and he is kind and very generous, he has even offered to pay for driving lessons for me.

I am surprised he needs more time to think about marriage!

OP posts:

startAfire · 13/09/2011 12:47

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