Page 2 | Benefits or move in with DP?

beautifulswan · 2011-09-07T14:41:32+00:00

I have been a single mother living on benefits in a council flat for some time. I don't like living on benefits and would like to come off. (I have been job seeking for some time and unable to find work) The opportunity has arisen for me to move in with my DP who I have been with for 5.5 years. As he is a high earner, will that mean I wont be entitled to anything myself? Will I lose child tax credits? (He is a high earner) Will it mean I'll have absolutely zero of my own money? I'm not sure what to do.

goodasgold · 07/09/2011 19:16

I think you should have a proper chat with him and agree how much he is prepared to support you and you dc.

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/09/2011 19:19

And they say romance is dead. If you have been in a relationship for 5 plus years then you may not actually be seen as a lone parent in the eyes of the benefit office.

HairyGrotter · 07/09/2011 19:28

What are your arrangements already? Does your partner stay over? Contribute to the household or kids? Seems a little fishy.

Original poster

beautifulswan · 08/09/2011 11:21

Christine, are we on the same thread? I did not "arrange" the series of events that led to me splitting up with my DD's father, being homeless and then housed in council accomodation.

Supporting my family? Student benefits? Sorry, I have no idea what you are talking about.

Our finances are very seperate and we do not live together. Sorry maybe I shouldn't have used the term DP, I did as a lot of people on here use it but in RL I call him my boyfriend. I have no idea how much he has in the bank but know it's a hell of a lot more than me.

I pay all my own bills, food, shopping etc. Our money quite simply is not shared. Sometimes he'll stay over at mine and I'll buy and cook him dinner, sometimes I'll stay at his and he'll buy/cook dinner. Sometimes we don't stay at each others. What's so fishy Hairy?

Mummyofone I'm surprised about that, how can how long the relationship has lasted determine wether you are single or not? As I say our money and to an extent, our lives are separate.

Yes the concern is about giving up my freedom, but as I say it'd be great to come off benefits.

Someone said is your instinct telling you not to? Yes, I think it is. But it changes daily, which is why I wanted a few opinions.

He said he'd be happy to buy all the shopping (food) but I'm not sure what would happen if I needed an item of clothing, or my DD did, I wouldn't feel comfortable asking him to provide. Or money for a day out, that kind of thing.

OP posts:

OpinionatedMum · 08/09/2011 11:47

He will be expected to support the kids plus you will lose all your benefits. Unless he is happy to pay for everything you will need to get a job. Easier said than done, I know, but that's the reality of it.

Personally I would make sure he is 'the one' before giving up a secure tenancy. It is getting harder and harder to access social housing. Also with the HB cuts there is less choice of private rental and what there is is not always decent.

lubeybooby · 08/09/2011 11:50

IMHO if you are moving in together it's a very big commitment and one that turns any income into shared/pooled income just as a marriage would. If you are not working you are the SAHP for the child he has basically become stepfather to and should be supported as the one at home doing all the childcare and saving on childcare fees and most likely the majority of the household running and cleaning etc.

By all means get a job if you 1) can and if you 2) want to but then you risk ending up with some daft seperate finances arrangement. Some people do it and it works (ish) if incomes are equal but if not when one partner is on a low wage and having a different standard of living and money worries that the other partner hasn't got.

MutantPubicCrabs · 08/09/2011 11:52

Nooooo never give anyone that amount of power over your life.

He'll hold power over your finances and even your accommodation. No chance. I'd rather be on benefits.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/09/2011 11:57

I also think you need to be very upfront with him. You need your own money so I would start the discussion by saying "I usually have 500 a month to spend on food/clothes/stuff for dd" - are you going to be able to pay that into my bank account every month?

Given the way the Tory govt are laying the land I think you'd be crackers to give up a secure council tenancy while your daughter is young.

HairyGrotter · 08/09/2011 11:59

I was made homeless the day I gave birth, was housed by the council and I'm now a full time student, I count myself VERY lucky, and yes, it seemed a little fishy due to the length of the relationship and the current arrangements to his contribution to yours and your DC's lives, was a simple question.

If you love him and are willing to give up your financial freedom and accommidational freedom, then go for it, however, I would not make that move until marriage.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/09/2011 12:03

Like any other couple setting up home - moreso in your case because there are children already and you are at a particular stage in your lives - you have to have some very grown-up conversations about finance, responsibilities, expectations, attitudes... before you finally commit. Different attitudes to money is one of the biggest reasons relationships fail but surprisingly few people pay it much attention when settling on the love of their life.

There are ways of managing the household income (which is what it would become) so that you can retain a certain independence and not feel beholden or embarrassed to ask for money. Time for that talk......

Original poster

beautifulswan · 08/09/2011 12:56

The thing is he would manage the household income, he said he would get the shopping, not give me money to get it! I don't think that would change.

I could never ask him outright for that amount of money to be paid into my account Laurie, and wouldn't really expect it from him. But then while I cant find work what do I do? Never go anywhere or do anything I guess.

I viewed a house with him the other day which had almost an acre of garden, a pond and a shared lake. It was not in my village but the next along, it wouldn't be ideal as I dont drive and it's a bit in the middle of nowhere BUT was absolutely beautiful. You can see how I'm so torn??

I also have debts that we haven't discussed. There are birthdays and Christmas coming up too. The more I think about it the more I think it's a stupid idea.

OP posts:

SansaLannister · 08/09/2011 12:59

'The thing is he would manage the household income, he said he would get the shopping, not give me money to get it! I don't think that would change.'

Nope, I would not move in with this man, especially whilst not married.

LaWeasel · 08/09/2011 13:02

You would be in an awful position if you moved in with him and had no access to money at all. Either he needs to send some money into your account on a regular basis or you would need access to a joint account. That is a totally normal sensible arrangement and how couples all over the land deal with money.

If he's not willing to do either DO NOT MOVE IN. You would be totally and utterly fucked if anything went wrong.

It's not so much that it is definately a bad idea for you to move in with him, it's just that it's a bad idea if you haven't talked about all these things and come up with realistic solutions. You having no money and him buying only what he believes is necessary is not a solution (and is also silly, why would he go to the supermarket after work if you're home all day and capable of doing it yourself?)

Georgimama · 08/09/2011 13:08

If you are contemplating moving in with him you ought to be able to ask him outright "do you intend to financially support me and DD, because I will lose my benefits and therefore the majority of my income if we move in together?" He may not be aware you will lose your benefits.

if he is not willing to treat you all as one household sharing everything then do not do it. And again, be upfront with him about why.

Georgimama · 08/09/2011 13:10

I viewed a house with him the other day which had almost an acre of garden, a pond and a shared lake. It was not in my village but the next along, it wouldn't be ideal as I dont drive and it's a bit in the middle of nowhere BUT was absolutely beautiful. You can see how I'm so torn??

er no, being isolated from my current social network with no transport and no money to call my own would have me running for the hills actually.

SansaLannister · 08/09/2011 13:12

And, living in a place that is absolutely beautiful, but rural, I really feel for those who don't drive. It is honestly isolating and expensive because the public transport is pants and expensive and there are no pavements in all areas, making walking treacherous and uncomfortable (walking on muddy, sodden grass verges full of ticks, for example). It is difficult to access ameneties, particularly with children in tow, without a car.

Also trickier to source employment. Many employers want applicants to full, clean UK driving list and/or their own reliable transport to and from work (shift work is common, and again, that means public transport won't suffice as it finishes at about 10PM and doesn't begin again till 6 or 7AM depending on if it's summer or winter schedule).

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/09/2011 13:19

It sounds to me as though he hasn't quite worked through the idea of what a live-in life partner actually means. You're not a pet, tell him.... not something to be kept at home, tending his garden and admiring the shared lake, waiting for him to return with groceries (and clothes? school equipment? mobile phone?) and then keep him company until he goes off again the next day. If you don't feel able to have the conversation about finance, you're probably not ready for the next stage in the game. If he thinks the prospect of being a 'kept woman' is desirable.. ditto.

maypole1 · 08/09/2011 13:55

He should rent his place out and move in with you if it don't work out then he leaves you go back on the dole no one looses out

Wormshuffler · 08/09/2011 14:41

You would still get Job seekers allowance wouldn't you OP? that's not means tested. Still I like maypole's suggestion of him living with you for a bit, I mean what if when you live together you don't get on? you wouldn't lose your home that way.

SansaLannister · 08/09/2011 15:23

'You would still get Job seekers allowance wouldn't you OP? that's not means tested.'

Yes, it is. A lone parent usually gets income-based JSA (the exception being one who was working recently for the required amount of time, loses her job and spends 6 months on contribution-based JSA before moving to income-based if she is still unemployed). Lone parents moved onto JSA from IS are on income-based JSA.

cestlavielife · 08/09/2011 15:37

only move in with him if and when you get married to him.

moving with him to a house you wont joint own, in the middle of nowhere when you dont drive - and you wont have any personal money either because he will control it and "buy the food" - that is madness.

and your dd might fall in the pond...

if he then dies - illness, accident say - (let alone break up with you) you will have absolutely nothing - and no council tenancy either ....

WidowWadman · 08/09/2011 16:18

I'm not sure it is a good idea to marry someone you have never lived with.

ENormaSnob · 08/09/2011 16:50

Maybe he's expecting you to get a job first?

No way would I have given dp (now dh) a set amount each month or paid for everything for him and any theoretical children when he moved in with me.

I think it's unfair to expect the same of him.

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 08/09/2011 16:51

Is there a medical reason why you can't work OP, or is it a choice to SAH? (which I think is valid btw)

Would it be financially viable for you to move in with DP and get a job? In your situation I wouldn't do it otherwise tbh. Private rentals and the lha rates in a lot of areas are very different - I've just had a lovely letter from my local council warning me that I'll face homelessness due to the deficit, and I'm in a horrible rundown flat that is incredibly cheap for the city I am in. It's a big gamble.

As for the poster who is looking to be on long-term lp is - you'll be swapped over to jsa once your youngest turns either seven or five (depending on the year), so all the "perks" of living alone as a lp have a shel-life anyway (and won't continue until your youngest reaches University unless you are on a very low income).

ChristinedePizan · 08/09/2011 18:00

Sorry beautifulswan - I was replying to returntosender who said she was planning on not living with her partner because she didn't want to lose benefits (it's just before my post). That had nothing to do with you - sorry!

I'm worried that you haven't discussed how this will work really because you won't be entitled to benefits so he will be supporting you. Him buying the food shopping sounds like a shit idea. Either you pool your finances (his loads, your none) or you don't move in with him.

Where are you both heading with this relationship? Are you happy to carry on in a fairly casual way (which is absolutely fine) or do you want something more committed? What does he want?