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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Benefits or move in with DP?

97 replies

beautifulswan · 07/09/2011 15:41

I have been a single mother living on benefits in a council flat for some time. I don't like living on benefits and would like to come off. (I have been job seeking for some time and unable to find work)

The opportunity has arisen for me to move in with my DP who I have been with for 5.5 years. As he is a high earner, will that mean I wont be entitled to anything myself? Will I lose child tax credits? (He is a high earner) Will it mean I'll have absolutely zero of my own money? I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

beautifulswan · 09/09/2011 11:13

So sorry Christine, that'll teach me for not reading my own thread properly.

He is certainly not old fashioned when it comes to money. When we go out, I'm expected to buy a drink, how ever much is in my account. Which is fine when I have some. There is no medical reason for not working, I have applied for hundreds of jobs, with no luck what so ever. I have even applied for jobs that I know I can't get to just to see if I can get an interview, but no.

Today he said he would buy everything we needed, food, bills etc and just ask if you need cash for anything. I'm not happy with this, so suggested a joint bank account. He definitely wont do it. I'm a little shocked, if he's happy to buy everything (untill I do get a job) why not give me a card to use when we need to? I'm not sure I should give up a secure tenancy for this man.

OP posts:

givemeaclue · 09/09/2011 11:25

From what other posters have said, you could well lose all your benefits. You would have no financial independence and would have to ask for money if you want clothes/tampax/a coffee in a cafe/bus fare/your hair done/a magazine/anything at all. This will feel very restrictive you will be entirely dependent on him. Also, what about your child is he happy to take on financial responsibility for your child?

It would be a different story if he was saying 'Darling, whats mine is yours, heres a card for my account, do feel free to use it if there are thinigs you need' but he isn't. I can see this becoming a source of worry and frustration for you.

Re the job, it does seem strange to apply for hundreds of jobs and not get any of them, even in today's tough climate. Has anyone looked at your cv/job appn for you? It may be worth getting some advice e.g job centre OR can you post the key elements here and we can give you some feedback. I think if you got a job and therefore had some financial independence, it would be worth considering moving in with him then - although I note you don't drive and his house is in rural location.

Whatever you do, don't move in with him at moment and rely on him 100% for finances- that way lies disaster. .

RealityVonCrapp · 09/09/2011 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duckdodgers · 09/09/2011 11:37

Dont do it. It would be different if your Dp was willing to have a family income and manage money accordingly in a joint fashion but from what you have said it doesnt sound as if this is the case. I fear it would be a recipe for disaster, honestly.

How can you be expected to ask for money for every small thing that crops up either you or your child needs? What if your out 1 day and you unexpectedly start your period and you cant buy tampons because you dont have access to any cash? Its prepsoterous and unthinkable.

If hes not happy for you both to have a joint bank account it sounds like he would always think of it as "his" money.

ChristinedePizan · 09/09/2011 11:44

No worries - I really should have answered you rather than someone else.

Hmm ... I wouldn't do it if he's not prepared to have joint finances. It doesn't sound like it's going to be a partnership to me.

Original poster

beautifulswan · 09/09/2011 11:48

I think you are right. He says he is sad that we've chosen not to, but he's not willing to go joint. The silly thing is I'd only obviously buy things that we need, and agreed to. It's complete madness I can't believe I even considered it. It is his money and even I look at it like that, but not giving me the freedom to spend when needed isn't going to work, is it?

OP posts:

Original poster

beautifulswan · 09/09/2011 11:49

We've been together 6 years, this Christmas!

OP posts:

Original poster

beautifulswan · 09/09/2011 11:54

Givemeaclue...he says he is happy to take on responsibility for my DD but again, I'd need to ask. Lovely!

My CV's not bad, but any decent jobs I've had were ten years ago. :-(
I think competition is fierce, when I apply via Reed, you can see how many other applicants there are, in some cases it's hundreds!

OP posts:

baressentials · 09/09/2011 11:57

beautifulswan Maypole had a good suggestion ^up thread^.
I was in a simialr situation to you. So DP (now DH) moved in with me and rented out his house (so in a sense we both had a back up plan if it didn't work out) We lived in "my" house for 2 years then moved into "his" house for practical reasons and now have moved again and have "our" house.

Only difference is, is that my DH was all about living together as a family - no his/mine finances (don't mean just joint accounts more how we worked out the finances). dh knew it wasn't just about me but my DS aswell.

Original poster

beautifulswan · 09/09/2011 12:07

He has sold his house and is renting nearby (to us), we have spent a lot of time together and have been away a few times, so I think we'd be fine living together, plus it's not the biggest flat (and he has two dogs)

He really has offered to pay for anything and everything, just not for me to have access. I'm not sure I can get over it actually.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 09/09/2011 12:11

"suggested a joint bank account. He definitely wont do it."

you wouldnt be asking for access to all his money would you?
just a joint account for household expenditure and to replace what you would lose in JSA etc until you can get a job.

he is offering to keep you like a pet but you wont have any independence at all - and if he dies/it goes wrong you will be left with nothing - and so will your dd

just carry on living seprately - wait til you got a job your own money coming in before moving in with him

Original poster

beautifulswan · 09/09/2011 12:18

Well, I didn't suggest a seperate account, so yes access to all his money! But again, I wouldn't just go and spend it, I'd buy his bloody dinner then come home and cook it!

Anyway, he said no, I told him his answer speaks volumes and I've decided it's definitely a no no!

Thank you for the advice, I very nearly made a very wrong decision, blinded by lakes, land and ponds.

OP posts:

startAfire · 09/09/2011 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 09/09/2011 12:24

The job market is dire at the moment, so you have my sympathies.

I'd be asking him outright why it is that he says he's willing to support you, but won't trust you to have account access. It doesn't look good, surely he either trusts you or he doesn't?

I'm sorry that this is such a difficult situation. Dating as a lp can be a minefield.

cantspel · 09/09/2011 12:27

You dont need access to all his money. He just needs to set up a joint house account.

Why would anyone who has just sold his house so could have quite a bit of money hanging around do a joint account with someone who has nothing?

He is only protecting himself and i dont blame him.

pinkdelight · 09/09/2011 12:33

Um, I feel like the guy is getting a really hard time here. Perhaps I'm a mean, control-freak, but I don't think it's outrageous for him not to give the OP a card for his accounts. She's said she has debts, which may not have been avoidable, but I wouldn't give anyone but my marriage partner access to my account and I wouldn't marry someone that I haven't lived with. I think he's being pretty nice, offering to cover everything.

I think his refusal to go for the joint account idea is a bit of a red herring. Seems to me like the stumbling block is the unemployment, and if that was sorted then everything would be swell. Until then, you are hamstrung by the whole benefits things and it's not his fault that he'd suddenly have to become sole provider if you've moved in. I know it's tough out there, but to have applied for so many jobs (over how long - not the whole time you've been together??) and got nowhere, there has to be some issue to sort out. And once that's sorted, you can go for it on a more equal footing.

LaWeasel · 09/09/2011 12:35

He's not getting a hard time because he won't give her access to all her cash (obviously that would be a bit niave of him) but because he won't give her access to any. at all.

It would be a very dangerous position for the OP to put herself into.

cantspel · 09/09/2011 12:39

But the op hasn't asked for a seperate household account, just a joint account so he probably does think she wants access to all his money.

he is not a mind reader and she should be clear she just wants an account for household costs that she has access to.

pinkdelight · 09/09/2011 12:43

I see your point LaWeasal, but still, you (and others) make him sound like some evil mastermind who can't wait to get her into a vulnerable position of relying entirely on him and then take advantage. All I'm saying is, it's a difficult situation and I wouldn't particularly want to be in his shoes, going from what sounds like an equal partnership to fronting all the cash for everything. I doubt he's taking this stance to be a controlling bastard. It probably just feels right to spend his own money, just as the OP would probably feel a bit weird going for sharing bills for their nights out to spending his money on her DD's clothes.

cestlavielife · 09/09/2011 12:45

" I didn't suggest a seperate account, so yes access to all his money"

perhaps that was a little going too far ... if was other way round people would say protect your own finances of course.

but - a joint account into which he pays money for joint household stuff food etc (that he has already offered to pay for) would make sense if you were going ahead.

it would be a little mad to suggest he put you joint on all his accounts and all his money ... not surprised he said no to that....

Original poster

beautifulswan · 09/09/2011 13:08

Yes there probably is a fair whack in there, but if it was the other way round (easy to say I know) I would trust him implicitly with my bank card. I didn't think of a seperate account, again I think he'd just say it's not necessary, just ask when you need money. I too think he is very kind, I just don't think I can live like that.

As for the jobs, I've had a part time job since I've known him which got me into debt (travel costs) my other debts are holiday money, he's paid for us to go abroad but we had to have our own spending money. Fair enough, but while his is all paid off I'm still paying mine off plus high interest on spending money for a holiday nearly two years ago. I live in an area with very few jobs and not being able to drive is a stumbling block (and not being able to afford lessons) All I can do is keep applying.

OP posts:

Tenacity · 09/09/2011 13:12

I wonder what the response would be if the OP was a man hmmm.

LaWeasel · 09/09/2011 13:12

I suppose it depends on your PoV coming into things like this, but from my experience of friends having been in abusive relationships, I would say that both adults having some autonomy over the money is extremely important.

It doesn't matter if the guy seems nice and lovely, it's just not a position I would ever put myself in or advise anyone else to be in.

SansaLannister · 09/09/2011 13:16

You're a wise woman. And besides, you should be able to buy things you want, within reason, not just what is needed. I mean, people do on benefits. So what? When my husband was unemployed and working, I didn't tell him, 'Well, be a good doggy now, you can only buy what we need.' Screw that! He's my partner and spouse, I trust him to be reasonable.

I'd never be able to live with having to ask someone for money like a child. Yes, I'd rather be on benefits (am thankfully not, however).

And making you buy for drinks when he knows you don't have any money?

No, I don't think he's getting a hard time, I think you two really have a lot more talking to do in the future unless you want to keep it casual.

SansaLannister · 09/09/2011 13:18

'I wonder what the response would be if the OP was a man hmmm.'

It would be exactly the same response from me.

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