to consider being an egg donor for my sister, when DH is not really keen on the idea?

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

My sister and her husband have been trying to have a baby for about four years now. They have had two cycles of IVF. Dsis always wanted a family and I know she'll be a brilliant mum.

She is 40 next year and is worried that the IVF is not working because her eggs are too old. So she called last night to ask if I would consider donating some of my eggs for them to use in their next cycle - she has an appt with the hospital on the 21st and asked if I could let her know before then. TBH I have been expecting it for some time, it's something we'd always floated in a 'worst case scenario' type discussion. My other sister has agreed to act as a surrogate if the problem is actually Dsis's ability to carry a child, rather than her eggs being too old. However, my other sister is too old for egg donation (38) - I am just young enough (I'll be 34 if/when it goes ahead).

I am absolutely fine with the idea of egg donation and I'd love to help Dsis become a mum. I live about 300 miles away from Dsis (not sure why that is relevant, but i think it would be more difficult if I lived round the corner).

Anyway, discussed this with DH last night and he is not keen at all. He thinks it will get complicated and messy and that I'll end up feeling too attached to any resultant child. I don't share his concerns (am I being naive??)

he said it's ultimately my decision. he wont try to stop me and he'll be supportive. But he just doesn't think i's the best decision for us.

We've been through a rough time since our DS arrived 18 mos ago (really bad PND, DS having some development issues) but things are fine now.

So AIBU to consider doing this for my Dsis when DH would rather I didn't?

It's really interesting reading the responses.

Everyone talks about a relationship with DH and whether that would suffer but my relationship with my sister is also a critical one in my life, and I wonder if that affects how I feel. I adore my sister and if I thought I could do something for her that would make her happy I'd do it. TBH I'd be gutted if she didn't ask me.
If my DH then said he was against it, it would put a strain on our relationship for me. I doubt very much my sister would resent me, but I would feel unutterably guilty every time she played with my kids, that I have this amazing part of my life that she can't have. And worse, I could have helped her out but I'm not because someone else didn't like it. It doesn't take a child away from me so I'd feel horribly selfish, not letting her have what I took as my right - children. She could go elsewhere but I'd want to be first in line to help. I can't see how that, in the end, wouldn't affect my relationship with DH.

If someone is in need, you step up and help, especially if they are family and you love them. And in later years, you explain it by saying that we thought children were so brilliant in this family that when one mummy couldn't have them on her own (like the ingredients idea here, so when one mummy didn't have all the right ingredients) another mummy was able to give them what they didn't have. And isn't that lucky because look what we got out of it?

But then in my family, kids are very much shared around. Everyone gets huge pleasure out of all the children in the family, the kids know they are loved by everyone, I adore my nephews and nieces and love that I know when my dd runs off with them, there are a million other people looking out for her. So when I say 'look what we got out of it' I don't mean that I would see a child conceived from my egg as mine, any more than I see the rest of the nieces and nephews as mine in a possesive way. They are just all part of something that is mine, my family.

That's great, baby. Not all people feel that way and they are not wrong for feeling how they do.

You sound like a wonderful generous person, babybythesea :) If the world was full of people who consider others as much as you clearly do, it would be a better place.

Thanks for being nice about me but I think it stems from the fact that my sister and I are very very close, rather than from me being an especially lovely person. Maybe if we weren't, I'd feel differently. And being an annoymous egg donor isn't something I've thought about so I'm not that generous. It's just that I'd be faced with my sister's situation regularly and I'd feel as though I was rubbing her nose in it every time I took my children to see her, although, as I say, it would come from me and not her. And I'd get something out of it - I love kids but don't want limitless numbers myself. This way, there would be extra kids that I could spoil, and then leave them with my sister once I'd got them all wound up - I'd have all the fun being the best aunt ever and none of the job of trying to get them to bed afterwards!
(I have thought about this a lot - my sister is in fact having trouble TTC and doing just this for her is something I've started to think about although she hasn't asked me and may not. But I've started to think about offering so she knows it's an option).

I think you could all be HUGELY over thinking this. In your OP you're not sure if it's her egg quality that's an issue, or her ability to carry a baby to term! For goodness sake they are massive fundamental questions in all of this and until you know what your sister's potential medical problems are, there's no point jumping ahead talking about egg donation, surrogacy etc!

If she's had 2 cycles of IVF hand they said why they failed? Maternal age is a good "get out" for the clinic - you can't argue against it and it may or may not be a factor. But it could also be that she's at the WRONG clinic being treated in the wrong way. Before you all go down this uber dramatic path, I urge you to get her to be really clear about where she is medically, and unless she is being TOLD she needs donor eggs by the best clinics in Europd for older women (ARGC and The Lister) then she may well be able to carry her own child. All clinics are not the same. Get her to look on the HFEA website at the different success rates for her age group from different clinics.

Good luck.

I've been thinking about this for a few years since I heard a piece on Radio 4 about 3 sisters, one who donated and one who carried the baby for the other one. My first reaction was of course I'd donate an egg, but it isn't as straightforward as that. It would mean huge hormonal changes for me, which would affect my family. I'm a hormonal bitch for the first 3 months of pregnancy, so could I do that to my DH and DC's? Then there possible permanent side effects. I've finished my family so not being able to have other children wouldn't be a huge issue. But there are other thing that could affect my family. Again could I knowingly put my DH and DC's in that position?

Then I started thinking about the child and how my sister would parent. We get on well but I'm sure there would be times when I'd have to bite my lip. Would that be harder I'd donated or carried? Would my sister breastfeed? Use CC? What if my sister and the child didn't get on? How would it affect my relationship with my sister? Lots of things to think about.

For me, the biological stuff would be less of an issue. It would be interesting to see how my genes worked with a different partner and different upbringing but I wouldn't feel the child would be mine. I think I would find it harder if I'd carried the baby, but then maybe that would only be the initial thing and it'd get easier. Maybe donating eggs would be easier to start with but get harder when the child gets older and maybe looks like me or has some shared personality traits.

I think the even decision would be so much harder if my DH wasn't on board. He would have to live with the decision also. I would want to know exactly what his objections are, not just a vague "I don't like the idea." He knows me well so he may see something that I've missed.

(Sorry long post but this may be a reality for me, so I have had to think lots about it.)

"Can I just ask whether anyone here who wouldn't want to donate eggs, would you have used donor eggs if you could not have children any other way?"

That doesn´t quite add up though, as if you need donor eggs, you´ve got none to donate?

diddl I'm asking people who haven't needed donor eggs to imagine what they would have done if this had been their only chance for a family. Would they have sought donor eggs? If they'd have done this themselves (but never had to), what stops them doing the same for others?

babybythesea - I love your way of thinking :)

BagofHolly - I don't think anyone is being especially dramatic about it! My sister asked, DH and I discussed it, and I came on here for some (very welcome) advice and opinions. The best result for everyone would be if Dsis goes into her third cycle with her own eggs and her own uterus doing the job. If that is not possible, then I totally understand her wanting to know what her options are for donation/surrogacy - so things can get moving as quickly as possible. Surely better to have all your ducks lined up, rather than to start faffing about with them later on (when I might be too old to donate!)?

aldiwhore - I meant to say earlier - thank you for the kind words about my DH in your first reply!

I didn't say you were being dramatic, I said there is a lot of info missing which you need, before making any decisions about going down such a dramatic path.