to consider being an egg donor for my sister, when DH is not really keen on the idea?

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

My sister and her husband have been trying to have a baby for about four years now. They have had two cycles of IVF. Dsis always wanted a family and I know she'll be a brilliant mum.

She is 40 next year and is worried that the IVF is not working because her eggs are too old. So she called last night to ask if I would consider donating some of my eggs for them to use in their next cycle - she has an appt with the hospital on the 21st and asked if I could let her know before then. TBH I have been expecting it for some time, it's something we'd always floated in a 'worst case scenario' type discussion. My other sister has agreed to act as a surrogate if the problem is actually Dsis's ability to carry a child, rather than her eggs being too old. However, my other sister is too old for egg donation (38) - I am just young enough (I'll be 34 if/when it goes ahead).

I am absolutely fine with the idea of egg donation and I'd love to help Dsis become a mum. I live about 300 miles away from Dsis (not sure why that is relevant, but i think it would be more difficult if I lived round the corner).

Anyway, discussed this with DH last night and he is not keen at all. He thinks it will get complicated and messy and that I'll end up feeling too attached to any resultant child. I don't share his concerns (am I being naive??)

he said it's ultimately my decision. he wont try to stop me and he'll be supportive. But he just doesn't think i's the best decision for us.

We've been through a rough time since our DS arrived 18 mos ago (really bad PND, DS having some development issues) but things are fine now.

So AIBU to consider doing this for my Dsis when DH would rather I didn't?

Straying over from the assisted conception threads.....

I have been TTC for a couple of years now and am on a journey that includes ivf. I have a low egg reserve which means that donor eggs are something we may need to consider at some point although if things keep going as they are, not right now. So first, can I say how much I admire you for considering this for your sister and how grateful she must be that she is even able to ask.

When this came up for us, I started thinking about how I would explain donor material to any child. I started to think that making a baby is a bit like baking. You need all your ingredients, flour, eggs, butter, sugar.....but you still need an oven at the right temperature, you need to keep an eye on it, and nurture it through until it's a cake. That's more than the sum total of the raw ingredients. In our case, it might be that we're short on the raw ingredients, but it will still be our cake in the end. I know it's a really simplistic analogy but something like it might help your DH put a bit of distance between what you're doing and any child.

So no, YANBU (my first AIBU post! How liberating!)

SnakeOnCrack The baby would be carried by your sister, not you.. so in that way, I wouldn't view the baby as "mine" in any way at all.

So does that mean that if you had to use a surrogate with your eggs you would consider the surrogate as the mother and not yourself?

I am very much in the camp, your eggs, your baby. However I would do this for my sisters as I would rather they had a child that was genetically linked to them than one who wasn't at all.

Plus I think of my mother who is adopted and doesn't know who her parents are and I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. She has never felt like a real person as she doesn't know where she came from.

I think your DH is very sensible to have doubts - because it's a complex subject area and emptive and you really need to have counselling BEFORE you decide.

Your sister seems to be rushing you a little bit. And giving sketchy details about what's wrong. I understand that egg quality declines but is it very declined or just a bit? I think you need to know this.

Also you have one child. You have to be totally aware of the risks:
At worst
You can get ovarian overhyperstimulation when you take the drugs - this can kill you
Your bowel can be punctured during egg collection. This can also kill you.
At best
You will be on drugs from 2-5 weeks.
You will need a week off after egg collection.
You will need at least 2 internal scans - where will these take place?

This is going to take time.away from your family.
Please don't think I'm saying not to do it. I've just done ivf - fully aware of all the above. But it's not a picnic. I do think your DH should have an equal decision but don't make kneejerk commitments.

Please get counselling and tell your sister you need more time and more info.

Thanks everyone.

You've given me a lot to think about.

I love the cake analogy beginnings :)

I don't feel at all rushed or pushed into deciding quickly. This has been a vague possibility for a while and DH and I have discussed it 'in theory' a lot of times...although actually with more of a focus on surrogacy (as I assumed this would be Dsis's next step, however Dsis2 has volunteered for this part!)

I think Dsis would prefer my egg to an annonymous one, purely because we are SO similar - when I go back home people stop me in the street to chat because they think I am her (which narks me as I am 6 yrs younger ).

I hadn't heard about egg sharing though- I'll look into it.

Thanks again!

My reaction is more connected to how things would be with my sister if I refused to do this for her, should she need it. I would want to hear and discuss any concerns my partner had, but at the end of the day I'd not be able to face her if I said no because DH had said he didn't like it. Every time she saw my kids I'd be acutely aware that I'd made it a bit harder for her to have the thing I'd got so easily. And I think, in time, that could mess with our relationship. That would upset me and I suspect I'd hold my partner responsible which wouldn't be good for us as a couple.

My dd is mine genetically, but I have quite a few people in my family who are adopted, and they are no less my cousins or whatever because they are not genetically my family. My eggs are potentially children of mine ATM because I haven't been asked to give them to someone who wants them desperately, and whose happiness matters hugely to me. If I gave DSis an egg, it becomes her egg and therefore her baby - it's a gift and anything I give willingly to someone else is theirs not mine. The fact that it's a baby not a 'thing' makes this even more the case. I know how much joy I get from my dd and helping my DSis to achieve this would be the best gift I could ever give her. If she raises and loves the longed-for child, it's her baby, my niece or nephew. The genetic provenance doesn't alter that.

I would want to do it in your position, but I wouldn't unless my husband was 100% comfortable with it.

I really like the idea that in donating an egg to your sister, you are enabling her to access the DNA that she has inherited from your parents, but is unable to pass on directly. This is the closest thing you can give her, to her own biological child. I know it's not exactly the same DNA because you are not identical twins, but it is as close as she can get.

I would do this for my sister. She is the only person on the planet that I could do this for, because I do view my eggs as my potential children and wouldn't rest knowing that my biological child was out there in the world, but I didn't know where.

Because I feel this way, I can see why your dh is concerned for how you will feel about this baby. And like other posters I'd hate for my dh to donate sperm. But I think that if he was doing this for his brother, I'd have to put my own feelings aside and recognise that he wants to help his brother and this genetic material is something that only he could provide if the brother wanted a genetic link to the child.

I would be pretty pissed off with DH if he thought he got a veto on me donating my eggs.

He didn't gain ownership of my gametes when we married. They are parts of my body, and ultimately what I choose to do with them is a matter for my conscience, and not something anyone else gets a say on.

OP, this is a really big decision, and there are a lot of ethical, personal and medical things to consider.

Are you planning to have any more children? That is a major consideration, or at least it would be for me.

OP I think you sound like a very generous person. :)

Agree with KarmaBeliever - I would only donate eggs to my sister. I wouldn't feel comfortable giving my eggs to a stranger, but if my sister was having trouble conceiving then i would be happy to help her have a child that is the closest thing to biologically hers that she could get.

It's a lovely thing to for her as long as you have considered carefully the consequences and are happy. Conselling might help you both.

It's wonderful that some people are prepared to do this for someone they don't know. Not everyone has a sister to ask.

We're not sure atm whether we want more children. If I could give birth to another 18 mo then I'd do it tomorrow, I'm in no great hurry to have another newborn any time soon.

I guess I'll look into the risks involved a bit more.

I know Dsis will be supportive of our decision if we say no, she understands that it's a big decision.

And my DH is not vetoing it - he said he'd back me 100% if I did decide to do it. he's just not 100% comfortable with it.

'my DH is not vetoing it - he said he'd back me 100% if I did decide to do it. he's just not 100% comfortable with it.'

As one of the people who said that I would not be happy with it, I think this more than anything shows that this isn't a case of your DH wading in and demanding rights over your eggs. If it were me, I would very much want to be ok with it.

But I know that I would not be.

I would not want to take the risk in my marriage of thinking it would be ok in the end, and of it never being ok, despite me wanting it to be with all my heart.

It's a really tough one.

Also - the health risks. How would you and your sister feel if there was a problem which meant that your health or your ability to have another baby were compromised?

Eyebrows I think Beginnings has summed up how I think quite well.... yes an egg could become a baby, but it needs more ingredients, no part of the recipe is unimportant, and I'm not devaluing eggs or how precious they are, but as far as emotional attachment, you would not be giving away a baby (and I'd salute anyone who did this also, I couldn't) but rather the potential for one, which for me carries a lot less emotional weight. Actually, I think the over riding emotion for me, if I were to do it would be the pride of being able to give such a precious gift.

I'm quite an emotional person and haven't ever considered egg donation, even though I see its value, but I would possibly do it for my sister if she asked, though I doubt she'd want my eggs as she sees me as inferior to her, and would probably blame me for any baby's faults!

This could end up being a black cloud over your marriage

This is something that wi
L be around for the next 18 years coming to your house for sleep overs a family do

It may change his and your sister relationship I don't think this si the sort of thing you can just go ahead weather your oh supports it or not as I am sure you will expecting him to watch the children while your getting this done

It might cause a elephant in he room between you and your oh and her and her oh

To be honest your immediate family comes first and I thing this is can only go ahead if every one is on bird

How will you feel if by making your sister happy your family splits up

It can be a total mind fuck

How would you feel if he wanted to donate sperm to his brother and you isn't want to then he went ahead any way because his brother wanted him to

I just think in he end he might say yes but will it be a because he agrees or because you planning to do it any way I think down the line when you end up divorced will you be thinking ah it was all worth it

Things like that can breeds resentment

Just to put the shoe on the other foot, I wouldn't be comfortable with my husband donating sperm to create a child with his brother's wife or anyone. I just wouldn't. There'd just be no way to counsel me out of it. I'd not tell him, 'No, you can't,' of course, not my right to do so, but I'd tell him how I felt. I can't see how that's unfair. And there'd be no point in going to counselling because at the end of the day, fundamentally, I feel that it's not just 'donor material' or ingredients for a cake but biologically fathering another human being with someone else for all the 'it's lovely and wonderful and takes a village' and such, that to me is what it is. He feels the same way about egg donation. I have mates who feel the same, but it's something that comes up in private because of course, right away, people wade in with how selfish and cruel you are for thinking this way. Well, that's how it is.

And it's a big ask of a sibling, tbh.

It's not cake ingredients to all people. Some people feel differently and that is not wrong if they have a different point of view or opinion. For some people, it does carry a lot of weight when they are the ones personally involved, or their spouse or partner.

aldiwhore I think its very easy to think of a egg donation as not yours if you don't have to see the child all the time like you would do a nice/nephew

Also has the op thought it may cause a rift between her and her sister if either she become emotional about the child

Can I just ask whether anyone here who wouldn't want to donate eggs, would you have used donor eggs if you could not have children any other way?

I would not have used donor eggs or sperm, no. I was always rather ambivalent about having children, however. If it happened, fine, if not, I had made peace with it in my early 30s. Many people say they changed a great deal between 30 and their 40s, this is most assuredly true for some but not all and isn't so for me.

I would not ever have considered donating eggs (I'm far too old now), no.

Me too I wouldn't use someone elses eggs or sperm and would not donate mine

I am planning to adopt

I'd do it for my sister, absolutely.

You should get some professional advice/counselling. The Donor Conception Network are good, and you may also find it useful to talk to the National Gamete Donation Trust.

As a donor-conceived person (via a sperm donor) I beg you to consider what the resulting child's feelings might be. They also have a stake in this situation and this needs to be taken into account in the decision-making process.

I think it's unfair to say the DH should have no say in the OPs decision.

Apart from all the reasons posters have listed above, your husband is also father and guardian to your child. Might he be trying to keep your child's interests in mind? I am not debating the right or wrong of donating eggs but merely considering whether your husband might be uncomfortable with the idea that a child born of your donated egg would be a biological half sibling to your own child?

I wonder how you feel about your sister's child potentially being told it was born from your donated egg - and how you would feel about your own child being told about the donation and their biological relationship to their 'cousin'?

Do you know how your husband feels about this?

Fertility counselling would cover these vital issues, and others.

You can contact the British Infertility Counselling Association to get a list of accredited fertility counsellors in your area.