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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider being an egg donor for my sister, when DH is not really keen on the idea?

85 replies

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 07/09/2011 14:11

My sister and her husband have been trying to have a baby for about four years now. They have had two cycles of IVF. Dsis always wanted a family and I know she'll be a brilliant mum.

She is 40 next year and is worried that the IVF is not working because her eggs are too old. So she called last night to ask if I would consider donating some of my eggs for them to use in their next cycle - she has an appt with the hospital on the 21st and asked if I could let her know before then. TBH I have been expecting it for some time, it's something we'd always floated in a 'worst case scenario' type discussion. My other sister has agreed to act as a surrogate if the problem is actually Dsis's ability to carry a child, rather than her eggs being too old. However, my other sister is too old for egg donation (38) - I am just young enough (I'll be 34 if/when it goes ahead).

I am absolutely fine with the idea of egg donation and I'd love to help Dsis become a mum. I live about 300 miles away from Dsis (not sure why that is relevant, but i think it would be more difficult if I lived round the corner).

Anyway, discussed this with DH last night and he is not keen at all. He thinks it will get complicated and messy and that I'll end up feeling too attached to any resultant child. I don't share his concerns (am I being naive??)

he said it's ultimately my decision. he wont try to stop me and he'll be supportive. But he just doesn't think i's the best decision for us.

We've been through a rough time since our DS arrived 18 mos ago (really bad PND, DS having some development issues) but things are fine now.

So AIBU to consider doing this for my Dsis when DH would rather I didn't?

OP posts:
Cereal · 07/09/2011 14:41

YANBU.

It would be a wonderful generous thing to do. An egg would otherwise be flushed down the loo each month - why not make use of it by bringing happiness to someone else?

38 isn't necessarily too old BTW, it's up to individual clinics to decide. Some of them will accept a donor above 35 if it's a "known donor" such as a family member or friend.

Crosshair · 07/09/2011 14:43

Talk about it with your DH some more. I think its important you both agree.

SansaLannister · 07/09/2011 14:44

I would as well, AMumInScotland. I would not want to put a bunch of hormones in my body, either.

kerala · 07/09/2011 14:44

I saw a documentary on this about 3 sisters who did this - one donated egg the other acted as a surrogate. It was amazing I was in tears at the end. They were so down to earth and practical about it annoyingly cant remember their names but they lived in Bristol/Bath.

kerala · 07/09/2011 14:45

FWIW I would do it like a shot for either of my sisters. One took 2 years to conceive and it was going through my mind.

PorkChopSter · 07/09/2011 14:47

I agree with ^My only concern would be my own fertility after this, and whether it woud affect me any further DC. You have to pump yourbody full of drugs for your ovaries to produce eggs, its the same as the first stage of IVF IIRC.

You only have one DC, what if you cannot have any more after this?^

because that might be where your DH is at - he's worried about you, your PTSD and the effect on your family. The genetic thing wouldn't worry me tbh, what's the difference between your genetics and your sister's? Not that much Smile Could your DH come to the counselling with you?

whackamole · 07/09/2011 14:47

I would donate eggs only to my sister. I would also surrogate for her if the need arose.

Funny, was talking about this with OH the other night - he claims he would be supportive, this could change if it actually happened though! I think I would not feel right going ahead if he was unhappy with it though.

Kewcumber · 07/09/2011 14:54

The thing is how anyone else on this board feels is irrelevant. As an adoptive mother, I've fielded my share of "oh I couldn;t possiblly/adopt/feel the same way aboutt a child that isn;t mine" etc. Never quite sure what they expect me to do with that nugget of irrelevant infomration but hey ho. SOme peopel feel stringly about the biology/genetics thing and others not so, only you know if you fall into this camp.

How your DH feels is important but presumably it isn't a genetic thing in his case (as it won't be his genes involved) but more a concern for you and howyou will feel and how it might impact on your family life. Which is I think fair enough for him to have an opinion on.

I would be amazed if you were allowed to donate without having counselling - you require it for straighforward IVF. Though I wouldnt place high hopes of it resolveing the issues anyway as it can be pretty perfunctory.

However you do have time to talk it through with him and your sister before it becames something that is imminent. You would be better trying to talk to people who have used surrogates whom they knew (which may be rare) and other people who have had familial eggs donated. Perhaps the Donor Conception network have a subgroup of egg donors?

LeonieDeSaintVire · 07/09/2011 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 07/09/2011 15:10

I would not be happy about my husband donating sperm to create a child with his brother's wife, tbh. Sorry, but I see my eggs not just as cells. I used to. But having had children, well, they look like the two of us together. I wouldn't want to create a child with someone else besides DH, and that's how I see egg donation, creating a child.

That's the way I feel about it as well, perhaps your husband feels the same.

ShoutyHamster · 07/09/2011 15:21

Been thinking about this since first posting and

^^ what WhoseGotMyEyebrows and SansaLannister and others said.

It is an amazing thing to do, but if my husband wanted to donate sperm to a family member in this way, there is no way on earth I would be ok with it. His child, his genes, with my sister/cousin or whatever?

It's really made me think actually. I don't think I could bear that thought. I don't think I could bear to see a child of his with his features (like my DD) mixed with not mine but another woman's.

Utterly visceral response. And yet, as I said, a brilliant gift to give ESPECIALLY when you are lucky enough to have children of your own.

Lots and lots of honest talking and listening required OP. Good luck.

Tallboy · 07/09/2011 15:23

I think it is possible for you to donate eggs to the clinic and then for your sister to receive annonymous eggs from clinic if your DH is concerned about it being "your" baby. Of course one of the reasons your sister wants your eggs is for the genetic link.
Someone donated eggs to me (annonymously) and I cannot begin to describe my gratitude to that woman.
Please have cousellinh with DH to help you decide. It does thake some getting your head around.
Best of luck.

Cereal · 07/09/2011 15:25

You probably share 50% of your genes with your sister. If you donate your eggs to your sister then she will have the opportunity of half her genes being mixed with her husband's genes, so that 3/4 of the child's genes will be from her husband and herself. You could think of the other genes as being your parents' genes although they are also yours.

julienoshoes · 07/09/2011 15:26

Thankfully my ds managed to get pregnant without my help, after years of all sorts of infetility treatment, including IVF etc.
I say thankfully, as although she and I always knew that I would have been willing to do whatever it takes, donate eggs/be a surrogate for her, on discussion I discovered my darling hubby was dead set against it.
He says he knew there was nothing logical about his viewpoint, and that he cares deeply for my sister and her DH, but he could not have ever given his agreement.
We talked about it endlessly.......and then thankfully my sister got her miracle(s) and I stopped being in such a dilemma.
The miracles are 19 and 17 and I still don't know what I would have done, if she had needed my help.

WidowWadman · 07/09/2011 15:26

Unlike sperm donation egg donation does involve risks and side effects. I can understand the husband not being keen.

EricNorthmansMistress · 07/09/2011 15:27

You could do egg sharing - so your eggs go to anonymous donors and your sis gets anonymous eggs. Solves that dilemma.

tabulahrasa · 07/09/2011 15:34

I'd have thought the point of asking your sister would be that she is your sister?

G1nger · 07/09/2011 15:41

It doesn't sound like your partner is saying he doesn't want you to do it. It sounds like he's saying he wants you to make sure you fully reflect upon whether you want to do it. If I'm wrong, and he's saying the former, then I'm afraid I sit in the 'it's none of his business' camp. She's your sister - if my sister came to me looking for help in this way, I'd do it. And I would be quite offended if my sister refused to give me her eggs if I needed them, if her only excuse was 'my partner doesn't want me to'.

I think through things to a silly level of detail, while my mind wanders when I'm bored. I've already decided that should my gay male friends ask me for eggs then I'd have to set up a legal agreement for access, and be known as the mother, and have joint custody really, because my eggs are still my eggs. But your sister? Well chances are you'll always be in eachother's lives, and you can always be able to be close to the child. Personally, I'd still want to be known as the genetic mother, though, if I were you. I really don't think I could do it in secret.

EricNorthmansMistress · 07/09/2011 15:43

That's a bit narrow, Tabulahrasa. Surely if she wants to carry a child then egg sharing would be acceptable, the sister would still be making it possible. I think her DN having her DNA would be really problematic TBH. If any of my brothers needed me to do this I'd do it through egg sharing but not through direct donation.

MajorBumsore · 07/09/2011 15:43

Was just about to post what Tallboy said. My friend needed egg donation, her sister donated eggs and they weren't used by her but the clinic used them for another anonymous recipient. This then put my friend to the top of the queue for a donor egg.

tabulahrasa · 07/09/2011 16:03

Well I didn't say a donor wouldn't be acceptable or anything like that -I'd just assume that there would be a reason to ask your sister before exploring other avenues was all.

In a - I see things like me in my nephew, my DD looks like my sister...I'd have thought the relationship was part of asking.

I wasn't saying that she'd not want an egg donor, just that surely you ask your sister first for a reason?

ohbabybaby · 07/09/2011 16:04

It sounds like you have only raised this with your DH for the first time last night? Whereas you have had it at the back of your mind for some years. If this is the case you might need to give your DH some time to think it through (though the answer might still be that he doesn't like it).

Also I wouldn't think you can give your sister a definitive answer before the 21st (is that what she is asking?)- you (and your DH too maybe) surely need to go with her to an appointment to discuss the ins and outs and risks and opportunities for counselling etc before you can then go away and make an informed decision along with your DH.

Good luck with this though, very difficult decision to make.

aldiwhore · 07/09/2011 16:08

Your husband sounds worried and a little bit scared... you say you've been having a tough time and he's probably just not wishing for anything to send either of you back into difficulties. He sounds a reasonable, and sweet man, a good husband.... he's not unreasonable to have fears. Keep talking, listen to him, and arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can so that you'll be able to put his mind at rest.

Ultimately they're your eggs. If you want to donate, then do, the procedure isn't awful but its not like donating blood either, so again, arm yourself with knowledge.

Personally I think that what you're offering is wonderful. Your choice is simple, either do it or don't. Think about how you'd feel if you didn't, against any negatives of going through with it. I get the feeling you'd feel worse if you didn't at least try to help by doing this.

They're eggs, not babies you're givin, its a fantastic gift, but it may not work so be prepared.

I suspect that your husband will be supportive, even if he's worried. I guess you've simply got to work at reassuring him that you will be okay. Good luck.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 07/09/2011 16:16

aldiwhore They're eggs, not babies you're givin

I just can't see it like that. I know a lot of people do but that doesn't make sense to me. The egg (assuming all goes to plan) will become a baby, just as a child becomes an adult, it's a process. I just don't get that it's not a baby.

SnakeOnCrack · 07/09/2011 16:23

I would do this for my sister in a heartbeat. I don't see my period as "lost children" as such, and although I KNOW that is totally different, I would frame it in my mind in that way. The baby would be carried by your sister, not you.. so in that way, I wouldn't view the baby as "mine" in any way at all.

Obviously I would discuss it with my other half, but I would probably still do it, even if he had raised the same concerns as yours has. It's my body, and my eggs, not his.

Counselling would probably help though if you both have concerns.