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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my kids Father's to collect them from school twice a month?

22 replies

ownthreadhider · 07/09/2011 10:57

My children go to their dads twice a month.

Previously they have both collected their respective children from school twice a month.

Kids all get the bus home together (which I pay for) and I work until 6pm on a Friday. They are both asking if they can collect them at 5ish from the house because of work.

AIBU not to want both my ex's collecting the kids (potentially in my house) when I am not there and to insist they collect them from school twice a a bloody month?!

OP posts:
worraliberty · 07/09/2011 10:59

I think you should try to do whatever is easier for all of you.

Out of interest, why wouldn't you want them collecting from your house?

Original poster
ownthreadhider · 07/09/2011 11:01

Because I don't want them in my home when I'm not there, and I worry about the kids locking up properly.

OP posts:
bumblingbovine · 07/09/2011 11:08

Are you usually home when the children get back home? If not, I think you are being perfectly reasonable not wanting the men in your house when you are not there. If you are home some days, could the dads collect them on one of those days

It may be proving difficult to get an afternoon off every month (effectively what is required to pick a child up from school at the normal time) for them, employers can be difficult and is they take an afternoon's holiday once a month, that is 6 days holiday just to collect the children from school.

However I would suggest that as the children are with their dads that day then it is the responsibility of the fathers to sort this out. They could for instance book (and pay) for their children to attend an after school club once a week on the day they normally collect.

The children might or might not use the club every week but it would mean that on the days they are colllected by their dads they can stay in the club until collected. I have done this in the past, i.e paid for more days childcare than I usually need so that it is available to me when I do need it.

Or they can investigate other options (casual childminder, maybe another trusted member of their family could collect)

zipzap · 07/09/2011 11:12

If the dad are happy for them to be at your home alone, why are they not happy for them to ne at their homes alone?

Could they not get the bus to their dads places?

I'm assuming that they are not little if you are happy for them to be getting the bus alone.

Or could they work it between them so that one dad does it one week and the other one picks up from him amd then vice versa the next time.

I don't think yabu - if it's their turn then they need to sort out the picking up too, even if they have to pay a cm or after school club or extra bus fare or whatever. Has something changed to make them both suddenly decide to stop doing pick ups at the same time?

Original poster
ownthreadhider · 07/09/2011 11:15

I just think considering one of them is self employed and the school holidays, inset days, strikes, days off sick are all down to me Hmm and I work full time ( always until 6 on a Friday) it's not too much to ask as there are 3 children and one of me and they do actually have as much responsibility for them as I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
ownthreadhider · 07/09/2011 11:16

Yes one's wife has left him and the other has halved the amount of time he sees them.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 07/09/2011 11:17

Why would they have to go into your house? Surely they can knock at the door and the kids can just come out?

How old are they by the way?

Original poster
ownthreadhider · 07/09/2011 11:20

14, 12 and 9. They all get the bus together (older two collect the younger one) and obvs the 9 yr old can't be last to be collected.

OP posts:
Original poster
ownthreadhider · 07/09/2011 11:21

If I am not there though I don't know what's going on do I Hmm?

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 07/09/2011 11:24

YANBU ownthehider, it's your home I wouldn't have my exi in my home when I'm not here, actually scratch that I wouldn't have him in my home when I am here so no. UANBU.

worraliberty · 07/09/2011 11:25

I don't know really, if you don't want them in then surely they wouldn't invite them in?

Either way, if their Dad is ok with the 9yr old being without an adult in your house, perhaps you could suggest the same for his house if he can't pick them up?

Original poster
ownthreadhider · 07/09/2011 11:29

He lived too far away - and TBH I couldn't care less if he has a problem with his 9 yr old being looked after by his elder siblings.

He does nothing to help practically on a day to day basis so I do what I have to. His opinion is irrelevant unless he is prepared to pitch in.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 07/09/2011 11:31

Oh I see

It looks like they'll have to sort out their own work/childcare arrangements then or pick the kids up on a Saturday.

Either way, it's for them to sort and not you.

Original poster
ownthreadhider · 07/09/2011 11:34

If they pick them up on a Saturday then they would see them even less - and I would get less of a break.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 07/09/2011 11:36

Well something has to give and if they can't manage work/childcare cover on a Friday, I guess that's the only solution.

FabbyChic · 07/09/2011 11:38

(a) you are lucky they have them at all
(b) be a bit more flexible this is not just about you
(c) you should have considered not having 3 kids by 3 different dads it might have been easier to arrange
(d) stop moaning and thinking you have a sense of entitlement you have 3 kids you are responsible for them ALL the time.

Original poster
ownthreadhider · 07/09/2011 11:41

Who is the 3rd father Fabby? News to me Hmm.

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 07/09/2011 11:42

Fabby didn't the fathers have the children too?

Original poster
ownthreadhider · 07/09/2011 12:25

A) Also little unrealistic to be a working single mum of 3 and sit round all day un wonderment at how lucky a I even when sometimes it's a logistical nightmare.

B) I bend over backwards and put up with sn enormous amount of shit so my kids can see their dads.

C) Entitled to what?! The person who also chose to have a child with me take responsibility twice a month?! Erm yes I think I actually Hmm.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 07/09/2011 12:39

Why not give it a go.

Tell both Dad's they are not welcome to enter the house - tell the children too. Tell both Dad's to check the front door before leaving.

Explain that if at any stage one of the goes in or the door isn't locked the arrangement will cease.

Original poster
ownthreadhider · 07/09/2011 12:59

Am considering your suggestion ChippingIn.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 07/09/2011 14:22

Good idea chipping.

Also, another idea, perhaps the DC could do an after school activity on that day, so they would finish later. kids get collected from school, but later. the dads would pay for the activity.

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