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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be letting this spoil my 'holiday'....

83 replies

DILIngrate · 06/09/2011 21:37

My 1st AIBU and have named changed.

PIL have retired to France with a 2nd home in UK (both properties mortgage free).
They have spent and continue to spend a lot of money on renovating their property abroad.
They only see our DC (3 and 1) 3 times a year, so although we are a bit strapped for cash this year (I'm on mat leave and we moved house last year) we have come for a 12 day stay.

On the 1st day of the trip we went to supermarket together and I asked if we could do a shop or make a contribution towards food and drink.
MIL said it would be easier to work it out at end of holiday.
A few days later DP asked what they would like to do.
They have asked for 200 euros "to cover food costs and petrol for the airport pick up" (when they came to collect us). I was Shock at the amount (it's more than I would spend on 2 weeks food and petrol at home!) and also the sentiment.

We have made a financial contribution when we stayed here previously with (our) friends but I was Angry and also Sad for DP that his parents are basically charging us for 'full board stay' when we have been invited as guests and have come mainly so that they can spend time with their grandchildren.

My own family would never consider charging us for their hospitality and are always incredibly generous (both with their time and financially) so perhaps it's the contrast which I find so shocking.

AIBU to think this unusual and horribly mean?

OP posts:
ll31 · 06/09/2011 23:37

I think yabu - its not a lot of money for the time u spent - u offered and then repeated offer.. maybe u or ur dp needs to talk to them - they're his parents after ll and just explain that finances are tight..

jasper · 06/09/2011 23:49

I don't really think it is a big deal, or that you should feel put out. It's just the way some people do things.
I had a similar experience staying with relatives, and I was a little taken aback; I's just some people's way of working

Billmelater · 06/09/2011 23:51

I think YABU to have expected a holiday out of this. This isn't a holiday; this is a visit to your husband's parents. Heaven knows what made you agree to two weeks of this.

Their request is odd and inhospitable. This is where you whistle happily to yourself for the rest of your stay, because 1) DH won't be keen to repeat the drama, and 2) They're not your parents.

Pay up with a smile. It's a small price to pay for never, ever spending two weeks with your control freakish MIL again.

mothiman · 06/09/2011 23:52

Sorry haven't read whole thread - but is it possibly they're very hard up?

reelingintheyears · 06/09/2011 23:56

2 weeks with the POL would've cost them

Not me.

Dreadful thought.

Laquitar · 06/09/2011 23:59

Now it is done and you are there so try to enjoy it.

Another way to see it is that when you have a holiday home you always have family guests. Maybe E200 seems petty but E200 X 5 if they have other family members throuout the year?

MmeLindor. · 07/09/2011 00:04

I think that you should go shopping with MIL and see how much you get for ?200.

It costs me about ?80 - 100 to fill the car.

And at least ?100 a week on food for a family of four. Without being extravagant.

DontGoCurly · 07/09/2011 00:09

Bloody hell. I'm flabberghasted. ?200 was probably just a nice token gesture twords the real cost of putting up a family of four for 12 days.

I'm gobsmacked that you think it's expensive!

YABU.

Collision · 07/09/2011 00:32

I would eat and drink lots-of-wine to get my moneys worth!!!!

LDNmummy · 07/09/2011 02:18

Wow whenever I say to someone "oh we will sort it out later", it always means that I will never ask for the money back and am just giving a brush off as I don't think it is an issuue. Some of my friends have actually clocked onto this now and do the same thing to me to even it out or mock me about it and force the money on me.

To me that is what MIL saying that would have meant, although of course I would expect to pay towards my stay. Its somewhat crude IMO and not at all becoming of family.

LDNmummy · 07/09/2011 02:22

Although 200 euro's is hardly anything towards an almost two week stay as a whole family and I would probably have contributed as much to begin with.

Obviously that is only if you are not eating out for meals and wouldn't truly consider this a break but rather a visit abroad you would not have done otherwise.

If it is in fact a break for you as well as visiting family, then it is hardly any money.

Morloth · 07/09/2011 02:54

hmmm I can see both sides.

On one hand I wouldn't (and don't expect people to contribute if they are my guests) on the other I always insist on contributing when I am a guest. There is a delicate dance to be had so everyone is happy.

I do think around 200 (of whichever) currency is about right for a couple of weeks for 4 family members. Certainly not enough to cover the actual expense of having them, but enough that you wouldn't feel too taken advantage of for having looked after them well.

So on balance I would say YABU, you did ask and IMO they have answered with a reasonable number.

Doitnicelyplease · 07/09/2011 03:02

YANBU, they should be thrilled that you came and brought their grandchildren, seeing as they don't go to UK much.

Instead of a sum of money which is really naff, they could have said you buy the groceries/wine similar. I do think you should expect to contribute a bit.

I think the mistake was putting the ball in their court rather than saying, x and I would like to take you out for a meal or something along those lines.

When we stay with PIL they pay for everything and you have to either get there first or refuse point blank to take money. When we visit my parents (who are retired and have less disposable income) we do pay for the odd shop, meal out but they would never take cash from us. I am really shocked by the request for petrol money! It is not your fault they live however far from the airport.

piprabbit · 07/09/2011 03:36

Next time, send DP with the children and keep out of it all. Or ask the PILs to visit you next year and charge them a similar amount as it is obviously something they find acceptable.

Sandinmyshoes · 07/09/2011 08:53

The principle of charging your family to come and visit astounds me and I'm surprised how many think that this is OK. I would never dream of charging bed and board to friends OR family who come to visit me. (I live overseas) They've paid the airfare and made the effort to come and see me. Usually visitors will take me out for a nice meal on their last night or buy me a gift but if they don't, the pleasure of their company is enough. I've never been charged by a member of my family or any friends either.

begonyabampot · 07/09/2011 09:00

I'd never ask or expect any guests (and we have had lots for up to 5 weeks at a time) to contribute but often they repay by buying a takeaway or such. However 200 euros really isn't much at all for a 12 day stay and travel from airports so YABU in thinking that they are fleecing you and you did ask to contribute.

wigglesrock · 07/09/2011 09:09

I think its fair enough, its a bit off putting to be asked for the actual cash, but if it were me I would have done 2-3 shops and probably spent about that. My parents or in-laws wouldn't ask for the money, but I would have probably left it when I went home, done shopping anyway, bought a shed load of wine/booze to leave etc.

TadlowDogIncident · 07/09/2011 09:14

YANBU - my ILs would never dream of behaving like this. I might be allowed to do one supermarket shop, but it's pretty inhospitable to ask for cash. Yes, it's cheap for bed and board for a family of four, but that's not the point: the point is that you went on a foreign trip that you wouldn't otherwise have had, when cash was tight, so that they could see their grandchildren, and they know that perfectly well.

Still, it gets you off the hook for next year - it doesn't sound much fun anyway.

2rebecca · 07/09/2011 09:22

If you previously bought meals, drinks etc and they still asked for contributions that is weird.
I would never charge anyone who I had invited to stay for picking them up at the airport. If it was a long trip and I was broke I would warn them in advance that I'd be charging petrol money as I was a bit broke or suggesting they got a bus or taxi.
I think it's reasonable to ask for a contribution if a guest stays for several weeks, some peopleon mumsnet get freeloading friends and relatives who stay for weeks and months, then you are a lodger not just someone on holiday.
If on holiday at someone's house you buy them wine , contribute to food in shopping and take them out for meals. I wouldn't expect a bill, and suspect if someone presented me with a bill I wouldn't go again and would tell them I prefer to just contribute.
On the other hand if they have recently moved to France maybe everyone is visiting them and they are getting skint. I would maybe suggest to them that they tell you in advance how much it will be as then you can decide if you can afford to come. If it's a long drive to the airport 200 euros may be reasonable and I doubt you'd get anywhere cheaper for 4 people for 12 days so in future you may have to save up before visiting them.

Earthymama · 07/09/2011 09:25

I am a grandmother and would be in my grave before I asked my DD or DS and their families for that sort of money if they came to stay. And I am not well-off by any means.

^If^ I was going to be stuck for paying for shopping etc I would tell them and ask if they could talk to me about how we sorted it out.

Nannas in my family pay for treats on days out and then fight with family members at the till if they dare to intervene!! It's a long-standing tradition and one I intend to continue.
(Thinks fondly of nearly blind Nannie F doling out £10 notes, and lovely Nannie G smuggling coins into children's hands as they say Goodbye!)

I suppose that as it is obviously different in your DP's family you need a serious talk before visiting again.

ShoutyHamster · 07/09/2011 09:26

Oh I don't think that next summer is a topic for another thread next year at all.

It's absolutely their prerogative to treat the visit in this rather formal way which has the potential for embarassment of you all, including their son. That's what's happened: they either haven't got the nous to pick up on it (they know you are short of money FGS!) or, they don't care.

So, you should have absolutely no problem whatsoever in being equally blunt, and equally blind to the fact that you may offend. Er, why should you be taking care to pick up on little hints on what's best for MIL and what she wants to happen, when she's basically done exactly the opposite for her son's family?

I suggest you both make it very clear, with lots of bland smiles, BEFORE you leave, that you look forward to them visiting you next year. When MIL doubtless gets upset or huffy, say - sorry, but this holiday has cost us dear, we had no idea you would ask for so much money. It may not be much in real terms, but we can't afford it and wouldn't have come if we'd known you'd effectively charge half board. All we can offer from now on is our own hospitality, we can't afford to pay to give you time with your grandchildren. Just so we're straight. Bland :)

If for whatever reason you and your husband feel that you can't say that to them, then THAT is your problem - and, I suspect, a big part of the reason why you are letting this cloud your stay. I think you are worrying not only about the money this time, but are utterly narked by the fact that this is shaping up to be an ongoing problem.

Newsflash - it isn't. It doesn't need to be, at all - work on that bland smile and the 'sorry, no, that won't be possible :)' - talk to your DH, come up with a plan to make it clear to them that this won't happen again, and how you will totally ignore any attempts at emotional blackmail - 'I'm sorry, are you saying you'd expect us to get into financial trouble next year for your benefit?' ... and I bet you'll feel loads better despite the current cash situation.

ShoutyHamster · 07/09/2011 09:31

Btw I see exactly how this isn't actually a lot of money. I think that's really not the point. The PILs know that their son's family are hard up at the mo - and yet they've still paid to get out to France to see them. THAT'S not cheap, not if you don't have a lot of cash. When I've been short, holidays have been out of the question - suspect this trip has been as much for the benefit of PIL as the family... a week camping in the UK would certainly have been a cheaper way of getting the DC to the beach, no?

If I knew a friend or family member was hard up and yet had made the effort to pay to travel to see me, I'd be more than happy to pick up the rest of the tab, especially if I were clearly better off. Then for the MIL to say complacently that she expected this every year - I'd have no compunction in putting them straight with what is THE TRUTH - we can't afford you! Up to you whether you want to come and see us - for which we will of course be happy to host you!

Sn0wGoose · 07/09/2011 09:33

YAB a bit U - they're retired, on a fixed income, and have to feed, house and transport a family of four for a fortnight. £180 won't come close to covering that imho.

larrygrylls · 07/09/2011 09:37

I think that it is very mean, if you are comfortably off (and they clearly are) to invite people as guests and then ask them to contribute. And, if you are going to do so, you have to do it in advance, not after they have arrived.

On the other hand, you should not ask if you can contribute if you are not prepared to hear an affirmative answer.

If I were you, I would not offer to contribute money. I would just offer to take them out for a meal or buy and cook for them one evening as a gesture of thanks. Then, if they ask you for money, you can say you were invited and had not planned to pay and cannot afford to. End of conversation.

However, net/net, YANBU, they are being very mean.

cornflowers · 07/09/2011 09:37

Is it possible you're overthinking this? How would Pil react if your dh said, 'actually, things are quite tight at the moment, we might not be able to stretch to 200 euros?' It may well be that they would accept this with perfect alacrity, having only ever suggested the figure because they assumed you wanted to contribute. After all, some people get offended if they aren't allowed to contribute. In any event, they possibly don't think 200 euros is all that much, and if my fairly recent of French supermarkets is anything to go by, 200 euros certainly doesn't go very far! Do encourage your dh to say something anyway, it will at least clear the air & make you feel better about your 'holiday'.

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