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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be letting this spoil my 'holiday'....

83 replies

DILIngrate · 06/09/2011 21:37

My 1st AIBU and have named changed.

PIL have retired to France with a 2nd home in UK (both properties mortgage free).
They have spent and continue to spend a lot of money on renovating their property abroad.
They only see our DC (3 and 1) 3 times a year, so although we are a bit strapped for cash this year (I'm on mat leave and we moved house last year) we have come for a 12 day stay.

On the 1st day of the trip we went to supermarket together and I asked if we could do a shop or make a contribution towards food and drink.
MIL said it would be easier to work it out at end of holiday.
A few days later DP asked what they would like to do.
They have asked for 200 euros "to cover food costs and petrol for the airport pick up" (when they came to collect us). I was Shock at the amount (it's more than I would spend on 2 weeks food and petrol at home!) and also the sentiment.

We have made a financial contribution when we stayed here previously with (our) friends but I was Angry and also Sad for DP that his parents are basically charging us for 'full board stay' when we have been invited as guests and have come mainly so that they can spend time with their grandchildren.

My own family would never consider charging us for their hospitality and are always incredibly generous (both with their time and financially) so perhaps it's the contrast which I find so shocking.

AIBU to think this unusual and horribly mean?

OP posts:
rookiemater · 06/09/2011 22:36

YANBU. It's a sizable amount of money particularly as you have already paid for air fare, and mean to ask relatives.

MirandaGoshawk · 06/09/2011 22:37

I think the civilised way is to pay for shopping in the supermarket, or stump up for a meal here or there. £176 isn't a huge amount, and I don't believe you'd spend less at home, but I would feel a bit Shock at being asked for a cash sum in that way.

ColdSancerre · 06/09/2011 22:38

Yes, what else have you paid for? If you all go out for lunch say or a day out with a picnic do they cover all the costs or do you pay for the restaurant bill? If you're paying for days out and treating them on top of that then YANBU but if you're just paying ?200 for total contribution (excluding your flights) towards a 12 day stay for 4 people then YABU.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 06/09/2011 22:38

I don't think that is much money actually. It is less than £15 per day.

If you didn't want to make a proper contribution then you should have bought something specific, or brought a case of wine with you or something else where you could decide what to contribute.

YABU - sorry.

lubeybooby · 06/09/2011 22:39

I don't think 200 euros is that bad really at all Confused

reelingintheyears · 06/09/2011 22:42

Tell them that 'playing' with your DC will be £10 ph

Putting them to bed will be £20ph

And then chuck them.

upahill · 06/09/2011 22:42

I think you got a bargin for the 4 of you!!

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 06/09/2011 22:47

I'm astonished that so many people think you've been hard done by. Where else could you get bed and board for £15 a night for 4 people?

And I know it is family, but you offered, and then offered again.

My parents have a second home in France, which we visit. We normally pick up some Champagne on the way, and then take them out for a nice meal. It comes to an awful lot more than 200 euros - but is still significantly less than us renting a gite and doing our own cooking/eating out, buying wine etc.

lydiamama · 06/09/2011 22:47

That would not happen in my family either, older people with settled lifes always pay Grin even when my father stayed at my home, he insisted in paying some of my shopping and restaurants. But every family is different, try to forget about it, it is actually not much money for a holiday in france, and they may be skint if they are renovating, and one day this property they have will be for your children, they could be spending all their money in trips around the world, but they are spending it on material things that will remain for their family members, so forgive them Smile

slavetofilofax · 06/09/2011 22:51

Where else could you get bed and board for £15 a night for 4 people?

You couldn't anywhere else, but this isn't anywhere! It's their parents! I am shocked that any parent would do that to their adult child with a young family. If that were my ds's I'd just be glad that they gave up their holiday time to visit me if I'd chosen to move away from them and their children.

But tbh, I could get bed and board for less than that at any one of my relatives houses, even the ones I barely see from one year to the next.

ViviPru · 06/09/2011 22:55

YANBU. I can see myself ending up in a similar situation - you're happy to offer at the time in circumstances you're comfortable with, then your divvy well-meaning DP goes and labours the point and hey presto, you've got yourself an invoice. This is precisely how it would play out in my life. No doubt your OPs intentions were completely out of the goodness of his heart at wanting to clear up the matter, but your PILs have been a bit taken advantage of your good natures a little bit. They might not have brought it up again had he not.

Others are saying its a good deal for a holiday abroad, but that's just it, its not a holiday, they're hosting you, and if they couldn't afford to do that, they shouldn't have invited you in the first place.

I don't mean to be rude calling your DP a divvy, just that it sounds so much like my DPs relationship with his parents, its because he's such a sweetheart, he can sometimes be a bit of a pushover in dealings with his relations.

ViviPru · 06/09/2011 22:56

Duh DP not OP. Long day staring at this screen

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 06/09/2011 23:00

The thing is, that perhaps they don't view that as much money? We have no idea how much they have spent on petrol, food and booze while the OP and her family have been there.

The OP offered money, and then her DP did - perhaps they are infact being generous?

If it is more than the OP can afford, then her DP should have said 'Mum that's a bit much for us, and offered an alternative amount'.

OP - did you take gifts?

Soups · 06/09/2011 23:03

I don't think the amount they stated is unreasonable, but can see how it'd be a surprise to be given "a bill", if it that wasn't the norm. How is the cost usually dealt with? Were they thinking that in the conversations that happened you were expecting, and offering, to cover your food and costs in that way? Do you have a hire car, or are they driving you around?

If I visit my parents for a day or two they don't charge us. If we go to visit them in France for a week or more, then it's considered a holiday, and we pay our way. We buy all the things specific to our family, those things my parents wouldn't have in but the kids have for lunch, breakfast etc We make sure there's enough beer, wine and juice to cover everyone. We take it turns with my parents to cook and provide the evening meal.

They have quite a few people go out to visit them for a week + and it'd cost them a fortune to provide for everyone.

skybluepearl · 06/09/2011 23:08

200 is cheap BUT you are staying with parents and that makes things very different. Big bunch of flowers/meal out/some bubbly/thankyou card should have been enough

SarahBumBarer · 06/09/2011 23:09

Well the exchange rate is not the PILs fault. Not too many years ago this would only have been about £130 so about £10 per day. I'm most shocked by the inclusion of petrol money - in my world this is just what families do for each other but I've been around enough to know this is not always the case.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 06/09/2011 23:10

skyblue - yes it should, and very possibly could but we don't know if the OP and her family brought these things with them.

Laquitar · 06/09/2011 23:12

I would never charge family guests for food.

It would be less bussiness like if you went to the supermarket and bought some things to contribute. Or bought a bottle of whisky from airport.

ViviPru · 06/09/2011 23:16

I agree alibaba - about the way the DP should have handled it.

Either that or he should have just sucked it up and gone back to the OP and told her that everything was sorted and she didn't have to give it any more thought. I'm not trying to bash your DP, OP (
Confused at my own articulation this evening) but he's unintentionally fanned this flame. Bless him.

DontGoCurly · 06/09/2011 23:20

?200 for food for 4 people for 12 days is perfectly reasonable! Confused

Bargainacious even!

ViviPru · 06/09/2011 23:23

My PILs would have to pay me ?200 to spend 12 days in their company. Scratch that - there's no sum large enough to tempt me.

MortaIWombat · 06/09/2011 23:24

They sound rather coarse, but don't let it spoil your memory of a lovely holiday. Smile

HerRoyalNotness · 06/09/2011 23:24

We stayed 2 weeks with PIL in July. I just went to the supermarket with FIL one day and paid for that shop. Was about £60. They would NEVER accept money from us, nor ask for it, and they're living on the basic pension. FIL wouldn't even accept petrol money for going out to pick up DH after a 12hr drinking session. I told the cheap git to get a cab, but he asked his Dad, who willingly gave him a lift. We shout a meal here and there while we are out as well. We also take gifts.

Conversely, when MIL comes to us, we pay for most things, she'll shout us a meal and has contributed to a car hire, and hotel previously when we've taken her out of town on a trip. She brings gifts too.

This is what families do for each other. Consideration, Respect and Thoughtfulness.

Original poster
DILIngrate · 06/09/2011 23:26

Thanks for the replies, I hear both the YANBU and YABU's.

To clarify, on previous visits (when we were much richer!) we bought lots of food and drink whilst here and took PIL out for lunch / dinner.
I can't remember exactly what contribution we were asked for in addition to this, think it was around 10 euro's / day per couple.

We were aware that they may ask for some money although DP hadn't asked specifically and I think he thought they may not ask / accept money this visit as it's just us and DC visiting and PIL are aware money is a bit tight for us ATM.
TBH I think he is a bit shocked and embarrassed by the situation.

MIL is extremely hospitable but on her own very control freakish terms: Porridge oats are available for breakfast (we were asked to bring our own cereal for the children). She provides bread and cheese for lunch and cooks a meal each evening which she won't accept any help preparing and she won't entertain the idea of me cooking in her kitchen.
She declines most offers of help with food preparation / housework, I peeled the spuds too slowly a few days ago Blush

The house and garden are lovely and there is a pool and lots for DC to do and it should be a wonderful break (as much as staying with PIL can be)and I do feel ungrateful complaining but the 'fee' has rather soured it for me.

I know some families have different norms etc but their ways are so removed from my idea of how guests should be treated / how I would treat a guest in my home (particularly family) I'm pissed off and am sadly letting this spoil my holiday (we're still here) a bit.

I know this sounds petty but I resent buying the wine / chocolate / flowers I've bought to say thanks on previous visits as I feel like I'm on an enforced 'all inclusive' trip Sad.

Another issue is that MIL has voiced an expectation that this will be an annual trip and the thought of spending 500 quid or so every summer for DC to spend 2 weeks with their GPs is not an inviting one Shock but that's another thread next summer I think.

Anyway, thanks again for replies, off to bed now.

OP posts:
Gluttondressedaslamb · 06/09/2011 23:37

YANBU as the PiLs must be aware that things are tight financially for you. I think your mistake was to offer in the first place rather than just buy bits of food from time to time, eg a kilo of meat one day, some fruit another day, croissants for breakfast etc. Thats what we do when we stay with relatives, its less embarrassing than handing over cash.
When DS1 and his girlfriend come to us for a 2 week holiday we don`t expect him to pay for board and lodging and would not accept if he offered, even though their income is three times what ours is. They do however take us out for dinner in a good restaurant, and always insist on paying the petrol for the return trip to the airport, so that all works out at about 200 euros anyway!
I do think though that there is something grubby about being suddenly presented with a fixed charge halfway through your holiday. Do they do this each time you stay with them?

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