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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder where all the good men have gone/are hiding?

59 replies

MilkandWine · 06/09/2011 20:21

I've been reading so many threads on Mumsnet recently where women who sound so lovely and kind are getting headfucked around by game playing men.

Then I look at my own life where the guy I am interested in has turned out to be a total tosser (went on holiday claiming he 'Couldn't wait to see me when he got back', he's been back since Sunday and I still haven't heard from him). Best of all it was his birthday while he was away so I sent him a very neutral 'Happy birthday' post on FB. He then went and 'liked' ALL the other birthday messages people sent him except me! wtf?

Then I take a look at my friends relationships and not one of them is in a relationship where the man isn't a game player/emotionally distant/manipulative/just a downright git. I'm honestly not imagining it either, I seem to spend half of my life furious at the actions of the useless boyfriend of one of them or another.

I don't want this to be a 'I hate men post' because I honestly don't. I adore male company and my sensible head tells me there HAS to be some decent men around somewhere. I just don't seem to be coming across many in the past few years. Where are they all?

OP posts:

EmmaBemma · 06/09/2011 20:23

well, I'm married to one. Sorry, that's probably not the sort of answer you're looking for.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/09/2011 20:24

Seriously, I don't know. I don't come across these types in RL, or very rarely at least.

Georgimama · 06/09/2011 20:24

They'remarried or gay. I'm married to one (nice not gay) so that's one accounted for.

HairyGrotter · 06/09/2011 20:24

I've got a lovely Boyfriend, just a shame that I don't really like him to the extent my head tells me I should. He cannot maintain an erection due to meds and psychological processes...he's a catch in every other way.

Now, if I could set him up with a woman who has a low libido, who is happy to just snuggle (vom) then I'd die happy.

I'm the headfuck

Original poster

MilkandWine · 06/09/2011 20:24

No it is Emma, I want some encouragement that there are still some good ones out there. Otherwise I will become a hermit and spend my days doing nothing but eating Ben and Jerry's in my PJs

OP posts:

Georgimama · 06/09/2011 20:25

Agree with whereyouleftit - my friends' husbands are either nice like mine or if they are like the kind of men posted about in those type of threads, they and their wives are hiding it well.

Funtimewincies · 06/09/2011 20:25

No idea, sorry .

On a more serious note, your friends need to change their hunting ground if all they're finding is idiots.

unpa1dcar3r · 06/09/2011 20:26

They're all out with their boyfriends OP. Your (presumably now Ex) sounds like a complete fuckwit too. You're better off out of that relationship. His loss eh!

Original poster

MilkandWine · 06/09/2011 20:27

Whereyouleftit It's no good hiding him, I can still peek around the sides!

Maybe they are all just flocking to me and my friends? All we seem to meet are men who are arses.

My friends are all stunners btw and lovely people who any man should be grateful to have take an interest in them.

OP posts:

Original poster

MilkandWine · 06/09/2011 20:31

unpa1dcar3

The guy isn't my ex (It never got that far thank god) just someone I was really keen on who has turned out to be an arse of the most upsetting order.

May bye they are all out with their boyfriends like you say. Perhaps I should take holy orders? that would sort the problem out

OP posts:

ouryve · 06/09/2011 20:34

My DH is a gem.

Got it right second time.

DragonsEx · 06/09/2011 20:37

Yeah, I'm the same Ouryve, My DH is a gem and I got it right 2nd time :)
Op, there's someone out there for you, you just have to find him, but you will :)

LydiaWickham · 06/09/2011 20:41

Found one! He's on the sofa next to me. Not hiding very well at all...

People who've got a good one don't tend to start threads full of angst about their relationship.

You and your mates all seem to have faulty fuckwit detectors.

harassedandherbug · 06/09/2011 20:44

I'm the same as Ourvye & Dragon - got it right 2nd time .

Took a shitty exh and a lot of looking for a decent bloke though!

Original poster

MilkandWine · 06/09/2011 20:45

Lydia Our fuck wit detectors are that faulty that if we took them back to the shop we wouldn't get a refund!

OP posts:

magicmelons · 06/09/2011 20:45

I am married to a lovely man and know at least 2 very lovely and good looking single men however my also single best friend is like a heat seeker missile towards arseholes. The running joke is that i should rent her out to test drive women's boyfriends, if she's attracted to them they should run a mile. It depends are your taking shit threshold and i would ALWAYS stay away from charmers, its a skill they have perfected.

CurrySpice · 06/09/2011 20:49

I'm guessing the decent ones don't end up single because women hold on to them / they don't arse around / are stable etc

When I've been single, I've found most ment to be nice / decent tbh

I wish you all the best in finding your Mr Right :)

wishiwasholdingaachinegun · 06/09/2011 20:49

I know some lovely single men who'd give anything to be with someone.

Guess they have the same issue too.

nothingoldcanstay · 06/09/2011 20:53

It's not the blokes they have always been a nightmare. It's just that there is now so much choice. We have independence, cars the internet etc. We change jobs every few years and are exposed to hundreds more men than our sisters a few decades ago and that also means men to get to date from a wider pool. Everyone has to decide whether to go for it or not expecting that our lives will change every few years.
Of course there are decent men out there. Whether you or them can be arsed to stick it out is another story.
By the way don't respond in any way to the current boyfriend. If he has decided it's over then it is. If he's just hacked off because someone told him what a good time you had on holiday or other such nonsense, he can always come back to you if he decides it's worth it. Otherwise get back out there. Life is too short to muck around over thinking or fighting to get him back.let him do the work whilst you get on with life (found The Rules life changing in a very very good way).

noir · 06/09/2011 20:54

These threads have seriously made me appreciate my relationship in a way I only half did before. I just look at him (over the top of my lap top!), whilst he's pottering about making tea and think thank god. He's so easy going and straight forward, and he's hilarious and handsome and not at all jealous or possessive. There is zero headfuckery and he's affectionate but still grr. The division of labour is pretty much equal, we earn the same amount of money, are at the exact same points in our career a rub along nicely with the same values and attitude.

I have some wonderful male friends too, one of whom is single!

Olifin · 06/09/2011 20:55

Mine is lovely. Got it right first time by some fluke. We've known each other since we were little. Very similar backgrounds; similar upbringing; went to the same schools; loads of mutual friends. Maybe that's why we're on the same wavelength.

Hope you find yours OP.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 06/09/2011 20:56

Is this by any chance a guy you'd only just met and who went on hoiday with his ex?

noir · 06/09/2011 21:00

Oh and in all seriousness the BEST men I know, the ones who respect women and are the kind of lovely souls to get the first round down the pub etc. are all left of centre in a political sense. Im not talking about full on long haired hemp wearing socialists.. just normal blokes who maybe work in the civil service or whatever who read The Guardian every now and again and aren't racist misogynistic neanderthals.

nothingoldcanstay · 06/09/2011 21:06

Interesting point noir. Not sure that I agree in a political sense but do agree that they tend to have a higher emotional literacy then others. Some aim of being a decent human being in the wider sense of the word.

smilesy · 06/09/2011 21:06

Mine is lovely too. Second time lucky for me although to be fair first was nice enough, we just grew apart. DH and I have a friend who always seems to pick prize pricks. I think it may be because she always goes for the same type of man and dismisses those who don't fit her ideal. I think you have to move the goalposts sometimes and go for those who are different from what you think is your "type"

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