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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder where all the good men have gone/are hiding?

59 replies

MilkandWine · 06/09/2011 20:21

I've been reading so many threads on Mumsnet recently where women who sound so lovely and kind are getting headfucked around by game playing men.

Then I look at my own life where the guy I am interested in has turned out to be a total tosser (went on holiday claiming he 'Couldn't wait to see me when he got back', he's been back since Sunday and I still haven't heard from him). Best of all it was his birthday while he was away so I sent him a very neutral 'Happy birthday' post on FB. He then went and 'liked' ALL the other birthday messages people sent him except me! wtf?

Then I take a look at my friends relationships and not one of them is in a relationship where the man isn't a game player/emotionally distant/manipulative/just a downright git. I'm honestly not imagining it either, I seem to spend half of my life furious at the actions of the useless boyfriend of one of them or another.

I don't want this to be a 'I hate men post' because I honestly don't. I adore male company and my sensible head tells me there HAS to be some decent men around somewhere. I just don't seem to be coming across many in the past few years. Where are they all?

OP posts:

CurlyBoy · 06/09/2011 21:16

Sorry, I'm taken! :)

SouthernFriedTofu · 06/09/2011 21:24

I think (and this may invite a flaming) that most people are in certain relationships for a reason. Abused women (in an extreme example) will often have several abusive partners, which when you think about seems statistically unlikely. But clearly there is something in them that seeks these guys out. Until they figure out why they are doing and why they deserve better they will keep repeating their mistakes.

Hatesponge · 06/09/2011 21:37

All my Exs have been pretty shit in one way or another. Not all totally horrible individuals, but none have exactly been that nice (in the most general terms) either.

I never meet decent, single men my own age. And if I do, and it happens very very rarely, they are either not interested at all, or not beyond a quick snog etc.

I am on the verge of giving up entirely. In some ways it will be a relief!

Original poster

MilkandWine · 06/09/2011 21:38

noir Your other half sounds lovely, you lucky bugger

Yes I agree the best men are the more left wing, intellectual ones, thing is I only really go for men like that anyway and they still turn out to be tosspots sadly.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Yes, the self same guy, I'm sure you will be (not at all) shocked to hear it! I expected him to not get in touch when he got back tbh but the ignoring my FB comment (and acknowledging everyone's else's) is twattishness of a frankly staggering level.

SouthernFriedTofu I think there is definitely something in what you are saying. I personally always go for the same men. Ones who are a little bit alternative/indie or whatever, dress in a unique way, are passionate about music, literature, etc. But they always turn out to be duds.

Oh and thank you for the well wishes everyone. I'm sure one day my prince will come. Hey if he doesn't I've still got my horse and my dog anyway

OP posts:

elportodelgato · 06/09/2011 21:42

I hope this will be encouraging, one of my very good friends has just become single after a ten year relationship and she is meeting nice guys ALL the time, so I think they DO exist. Obvs up to this point I believed that I had bagged the last nice man in London (preen) but it appears not. They are out there

Original poster

MilkandWine · 06/09/2011 21:56

elportodelgato I live in London, where is your friend meeting all these men?

OP posts:

Original poster

MilkandWine · 06/09/2011 21:59

Hatesponge I feel your pain, I really do. I empathise totally with the only up for a shag snog dilemma as well. Nobody seems to want anything more meaningful and I really want to make a connection.

Also everytime I go out I keep getting chatted up by boys men clearly in their early 20s. They then add a few years on when I tell them I am 32! The number of 21 year olds I've met recently masquerading as 27 year olds is staggering

OP posts:

SouthernFriedTofu · 06/09/2011 22:00

SouthernFriedTofu I think there is definitely something in what you are saying. I personally always go for the same men. Ones who are a little bit alternative/indie or whatever, dress in a unique way, are passionate about music, literature, etc. But they always turn out to be duds.

I like guys like that, but the problem is "passionate about music literature etc" can often mean "only cares about music literature etc or worse music liteterature snob"!

Hopefully you will find a decent guy who is passionate about you but still 'quite likes' other things too :)

SouthernFriedTofu · 06/09/2011 22:02

milkandwine in that case there is another AIBU thread you may want to check out! Aparrently you should be asking them for ID just in case!

Hatesponge · 06/09/2011 22:05

I'm in London as well

Original poster

MilkandWine · 06/09/2011 22:06

SouthernFriedTofu Yes you are spot on! It does often seem to translate into 'Only cares about music and literature'. Often with a spot of 'Loves own reflection in the mirror more than anything' thrown in for good measure.

ID requests may be in order from now on then, I would hate to find myself on the wrong side of the boys in Blue

OP posts:

manticlimactic · 06/09/2011 22:45

Everyone alway knows someone who is a 'lovely bloke' . Whilst they may be lovely in a non-dating reataionship it's not until you start dating them that you find out how they are.

My mum thought my ex was lovely. He was a knobhead, but then she didn't have to live with him.

I remember a work collegue saying her son was just perfect for me. I went out with her to the pub and he was there. Turned out he's an alcoholic with mega drug problems and she thought I could put him on the straight and narrow.

Original poster

MilkandWine · 06/09/2011 23:04

manticlimactic That's very true actually. I suppose we can all think somebody is lovely if we aren't the one trying to form a connection with them. The bloke who has just acted like a tosspot towards me was described as a 'lovely, sweet guy' by one of his friends to me 2 weeks ago.
I'm sure it's true, if you aren't wanting to date him of course!

OP posts:

Original poster

MilkandWine · 07/09/2011 10:37

elportodelgato Myself and Hatesponge are still waiting for you to come back and tell us where your friend is meeting all these nice men in London

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CherylWillBounceBack · 07/09/2011 10:54

Women tend to turn good men away - rejecting them with the usual classics like 'We're such good friends, I wouldn't want to ruin that' or 'He has really nice elbows and you don't', hooking up with bastards and complaining to the nice bloke about how he 'doesn't understand me'.

Eventually, that good chap grows a rather thick skin, realises he's better off single as women are irrational and takes himself of the market, with his quarter of a million in the bank and looks into adoption.

TheTempest · 07/09/2011 11:00

I agree Noir, I tend to think that men (or anyone) with reasonable views on important issues, politics etc have reasonable views, or at least are able to debate important issues in other areas, eg relationships/children.

My DP is great, apart from the fact he's got someone else pregnant (not as bad as it sounds), and we are very equal. I did seem to have a dick magnet prior to him though, so hope is there for everyone.

Hope you find him OP.

Badtasteflump · 07/09/2011 11:12

My DH is lovely and has always been since we got together 13-ish years ago.

The other men in my life were equally lovely - ie my granddad, dad, uncles...

I do, however have quite a few friends who seem to constantly moan about their husbands/partners, and seem to enjoy playing 'who's got the crappest husband' with each other. I can't help wondering if once you get into a spiral of moaning about each other and putting each other down in a relationship, it's not exactly likely to improve, is it? Not saying this is your situation, but it definitely is with people I know.

But i would say that if you assume all men are bastards, you're pretty likely to find some. If you assume and expect the best from men when you meet them, you wont put up with the crappy ones from the start and you may actually be surprised to find some nice ones.

Badtasteflump · 07/09/2011 11:14

Cheryl please don't tell me it's true that women still go for the bastards? Haven't we all moved on a bit from fancying Grant Mitchell?

Badtasteflump · 07/09/2011 11:15

And Tempest I'm intrigued now by what you said about your P getting someone else pregnant and it not being as bad as it sounds! None of my business, I know....

CherylWillBounceBack · 07/09/2011 11:30

Badtasteflump - Actually I should clarify. It's not bastards these days in the conventional sense (in many ways a physically strong man is a rational choice). You're quite correct, it's more foppish, skinny and faux intellectual morons that women go for. Then when it turns out that chap has about as much depth as Jade Goody (RIP) and the financial acumen of Gordon Brown, the complaints come back. Infuriating stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.

Kladdkaka · 07/09/2011 11:37

I met my wonderful husband at a ballroom/latin dance class. He was 35 and had never even had a girlfriend. He's massively a little bit mad professorish and women always judged him on this. Underneath his weird quirky exterior he is the kindest, most generous, lovingly devoted man I have ever known. From the day I met him I know I am the most important thing in his life. That helped me overlook the anorak and fascination with radio antenae.

lubeybooby · 07/09/2011 11:47

I have a feeling I'm going to be permanently single due to high expectations. Expectations that should be the norm really but seem high due to the utter crapness of so so so many men out there - not all, but SO MANY are just rubbish.

I want a clever, funny, thoughtful, kind, romantic man with no adverse/unworkable sexual issues. That can cook.

This is impossible to find it seems, and any I do find either don't want a relationship or are already in one. Sigh.

I've often found ones that are everything on the list, but then by the 5th/6th date it turns out they can only be turned on if you dress as a chicken and do the cha cha by the light of a full moon and simeltanelously bum them with a dildo and somehow rub their nipples too.

Or I find one the sex is fantastic with but he turns out to be racist, or unthinking, or ignorant, or misogynistic, or a drama queen, emotional vampire or some other unworkable personality issue.

ARGGHHHHH

cecilyparsley · 07/09/2011 11:50

Generally I find they are fine for a couple of years, then turn into COMPLETE BARSTEWARDS!!!
(or do I turn into a gorgon??)

mummymccar · 07/09/2011 11:53

I've got a great one and know a few really great guys that would make perfect potential boyfriends for people. Not sure how they'd feel about me pimping them out though.
I've noticed that the nicest guys are often the ones who don't make the first move - has anyone else found that?

Badtasteflump · 07/09/2011 11:54

Really cecil? Do bastard ones manage to hide it for two years - or do you have your rose-tinted specs on for that long? (Just asking...)

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