I think I'm suffering from depression. I realised this when I began crying on the tube for no reason on my way home from work. DH is out and I don't want to worry my parents or friends, I desperately need to keep my head clear and know I need to speak to the gp in the morning.
The symptoms:
A nagging sense of anxiety at all times, panic over stupid things. Stressed at work and yet i can't focus on the simple tasks that would resolve the stress.
I've had this voice in the back of my head telling myself that I'm a failure, everything I do is crap, life isn't going to get better for weeks. I can't rationalise it away.
Last week DH was away and I cried literally every night. Not missing him. I don't know what. I had a cry on the sofa every night with the cat on my lap. I threw myself into cleaning the flat to make it nice for his return and then on Sunday I felt this cold dead lethargic grip around myself. I got it into my head that I don't love him anymore. I couldn't enjoy his returning. I can't bear to be touched.
I cried yesterday morning when I got up. I felt so slow and numb it took me three times longer to get ready. I cried this morning when I got up. I spent an hour crying and I was late for work. I cried in the loos. I cried on the train on the way home. When I'm not crying I feel numb.
...it's depression isn't it. It's so strange, on paper everything in my life is going well. I had depression before, a few years ago, but then everything in my life was going badly.
I know this reads cold. I'm trying to think systematically. I have a habit of making stupid decisions when I'm depressed or low.
I think this all sounds really cold. I am trying to think systematically. I'd be so grateful for anything anyone could say.