To ask if anyone could just "talk" to me...

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

I think I'm suffering from depression. I realised this when I began crying on the tube for no reason on my way home from work. DH is out and I don't want to worry my parents or friends, I desperately need to keep my head clear and know I need to speak to the gp in the morning.

The symptoms:
A nagging sense of anxiety at all times, panic over stupid things. Stressed at work and yet i can't focus on the simple tasks that would resolve the stress.

I've had this voice in the back of my head telling myself that I'm a failure, everything I do is crap, life isn't going to get better for weeks. I can't rationalise it away.

Last week DH was away and I cried literally every night. Not missing him. I don't know what. I had a cry on the sofa every night with the cat on my lap. I threw myself into cleaning the flat to make it nice for his return and then on Sunday I felt this cold dead lethargic grip around myself. I got it into my head that I don't love him anymore. I couldn't enjoy his returning. I can't bear to be touched.

I cried yesterday morning when I got up. I felt so slow and numb it took me three times longer to get ready. I cried this morning when I got up. I spent an hour crying and I was late for work. I cried in the loos. I cried on the train on the way home. When I'm not crying I feel numb.

...it's depression isn't it. It's so strange, on paper everything in my life is going well. I had depression before, a few years ago, but then everything in my life was going badly.

I know this reads cold. I'm trying to think systematically. I have a habit of making stupid decisions when I'm depressed or low.

I think this all sounds really cold. I am trying to think systematically. I'd be so grateful for anything anyone could say.

[cottonreels]

glitterandglue lovely idea to write a letter

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

cottonreels. Nothing happened. I completed one stupid task well beneath me to a standard beneath me. I read articles about Libya on the news websites because I couldn't focus about work. I cried in the loos.

DH
He loves me.
He is very gentle and affectionate.
He is very very clever.

[Glitterandglue]

That's a good idea, cottonreels, something to focus on. When I was coming out of my depression (wish I'd thought of it before but hey ho) I had the idea to force myself to write down at the end of the day a list of good things. Could be tiny like 'dinner was nice' or anything, just positive things about the day. Actively thinking about it and having it there to look back on when you need to can really help focus the mind away from negativity.

[knittedbreast]

does it come in stops and starts? like occassionally you think its gone and then it taps yo on the shoulder and reminds you its there?

im sorry i dont know what to suggest but you are not alone, if i had a land line id give you my number to call. i work from my mums house and dont have a land line at home.

you need help, real help. not just meds but holistic help in every aspect of your life

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

glitterandglue, that's a great idea. I wrote something in my phone when I stopped crying on the tube. I was going to send it as a text but didn't because he would have been literally just walking in to give a huge speech. It says that I'd like to talk to him tonight, I think I'm depressed, I'm sorry for being offhand and cold, and I'm sorry in advance for anything hurtful I do coming up.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

knittedbreast, yes. It's like there's a cold dead hand gripping me inside. Sometimes I can't feel it at all, sometime's its loose but there and now I can't shake it off and its choking me.

You are all letting me know I'm not alone by replying. I am so grateful.

[shakey1500]

I have been where you are now and where you have been. I could have written your post about 3 years ago. Prior to that (coincidentally) I broke down on an underground tube station platform and had to grip the wall for fear of throwing myself under the next tube. I also had a horrible "incident". I clawed myself out of that depression by the skin of my teeth.

Fast forward to 3 years ago after the birth of my son I KNEW I had pnd but flatly refused to go to my GP given my MH history and also didn't want to worry/put my family through the same worry again.

Talk away, rant, waffle, whatever you like and also a gentle, reassuring squeeze on the arm as I know how you feel.

[Glitterandglue]

Heh, x-post, cottonreels, thanks. OP, would you perhaps consider that there are people on here who want you to feel better as a positive thing for today? Not trying to tell you you should be grateful if it sounds like that, just trying to spin it around for you and find the good, without knowing much about the rest of your day.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

deep breath...

I don't believe that any of you would reply or talk to me if you actually knew me. It's a mystery why I have any friends at all when I can be such a twat. I don't think any of them actually like me that much. I'm a disappointment to my parents. I haven't fulfilled my potential. DH loves me, poor sod. He was young when we got together (as was I) and I was his first girlfriend. I think a lot of it is habit.

[Glitterandglue]

Have you always felt like this about your relationships, or is the feeling more recent?

[cottonreels]

You managed to get yourself to the toilets before crying - thats good - really. It shows you do have some control of yourself, and if you need a few minutes (say youre arguing with DH) then you can do that again. Take a breather I mean, and try to refocus.
I know one nice thing that happened to you today - Lots of ordinary people (36 posts at the mo) took time out of their day to help you out. Lots of things in your post mark you out as being a nice person (trying to not worry people, tidying up for DH etc), people recognise that you need help and want to help you. Your family/friends would too. Why not drop one of them a text - Im feeling a bit low - could you get in touch?

[cottonreels]

If your DH is clever and loves you - their must be a good reason

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

On and off for years. Since the last bout of depression. I had problems making friends in junior and early senior school, and since then although I've "had" people, I've never been able to get over my luck. I can never quite see why they do it. I didn't make many friends at university. Most of my friends will respond if I get in touch with them but don't get in touch with me directly. My best friend from school and university dropped me a few years ago, around the start of my first bout of depression (many many bigger things went wrong too) she said I was manipulative and deceitful and she'd only hung around with me out of boredom and convenience. I have been a bit careful with people since to be honest and always wonder who secretly feels the same.

My parents, yes for years, if I'm honest. But mostly I was able to rationalise it or put it to the back of my mind ("it would be preferable if they were more proud of me but I know they love me").

[Dawndonna]

Endogenous depression comes from within. It doesn't need a trigger, however, those with, on paper, everything: Good marriage, job, enough money, are often the ones to suffer with depression. Sometimes it's a feeling that they don't really deserve the good things they've got, of course they do. It sounds like a pretty severe bout of depression to me. Go to the docs, but you also need to learn what your triggers are. Often people with depression are those that seem most able to cope with what life throws at them, and usually they're people that don't say No, at work and at home. Learn to say No, and learn to manage your life to suit you. It all helps.
Most of all, I hope you feel better soon.

[ImperialBlether]

Your best friend sounds like a right cow. Did she give any examples of you being manipulative and deceitful or did she just yell that you were? By 'manipulative' did she mean that you didn't let her have her own way?

You do sound awfully depressed. I'm so sorry, I know it's a dreadful feeling.

Could you cut and paste what you've written here and show it to your husband? You say he's clever; well, then he will know that you need help, not criticism. Don't make any decisions about your life whilst you're feeling like this, will you? Everything feels worse than it is.

I hope you can get to see a good doctor tomorrow. Write down what you want to say - you'll only start to cry if you're asked if you're alright.

FWIW it would break my heart if I thought my daughter doubted my love for her and pride in her, regardless of anything she's done.

[Glitterandglue]

Saying that about your parents makes the rest of it make a lot of sense. The relationships you make with your primary caregivers basically give you a blueprint for the relationships in the rest of your life, and it's possible to change the way you relate to people but it takes a hell of a lot of effort and you have to recognise it as a problem first. (For example, when you're a kid you think the way you do things at home is normal. It's only when you get to school you start realising that other people have their own normals - they have dinner at five while you eat at seven, their parents shout while yours don't, you have tons of books and they have none, etc. Most of that stuff you'll probably keep the same because you're used to it.)

The fact that it's on and off as well suggests that your feelings are dependent on your mood. So this may well be the depression talking and not you.

I could easily write the same about my friends (most will respond if I get in touch but don't get in touch with me) and sometimes it does get me down and I think, is it me? But then I realise actually no - I just have a habit of collecting really bloody disorganised people. The vast majority of them are shit at maintaining relationships and initiating things even though they want to. And I've asked most of them about this at some time or another (as in, "You never seem to call me back if you miss my call - if you don't want me to call can you just tell me?") and so far not one of them has said actually yeah, as it turns out, I can't stand you.

The best friend you describe sounds like an oddity. Can you or could she identify specific things which made you manipulative or deceitful? Even if that were true, someone who says they only hung around with you out of boredom and convenience doesn't sound like a stellar friend to me. By which I mean the problem in that relationship sounds more like hers and not yours.

Apologies for long post, but I wanted to reply to the things you said.

[travailtotravel]

HI Iheartkittens, I am right here and right with you and feeling entirely the same. On the face of it things are going well and i have everything, but I feel a failure, feel unloved though I have a great DH, feel down, can feel myself "letting things go". I am trying to do something about the less than enticing job I am brilliant at but find boring, and even when I am doing well at though interviews, I am finding it hard to be motivated to do the right thing.

Sorry, that's turned into being about me. I guess what I am trying to say is that I know where you are. I am there too.

I have never been in this position before and don't quite know what to advise but I am here too.

[shakey1500]

Totally agree with learning what the triggers can be, it has helped me enormously though I keep mine at bay by using a variety of coloured hats and attributing feelings of depression to an unrelated thing that has happened. If that makes sense?

Also agree with writing everything down for your dh for later.

[PersonalClown]

I'm coming in late here IHeartKittensandWine but frankly, you're describing how I felt through most of my teenage years. And still do TBH.

I'd cry for no reason, doubt myself, wonder why people were with me etc.

A trip to a sympathic doc can be the turning point for you. I was 20 when I finally blurted it all out to my doctor and she couldn't understand why I'd suffered for so long.

I know it's so easy to believe all the bad things about yourself but I promise you that they are not true.

[griphook]

Hi, sorry you are feeling this way,

have you ever read the depression book which is cartoons of a big black dog as depression, it really helped me to understand depression a bit better.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

travail, join the party!

glitterandglue, I think you're right on a lot of counts. My friends are disorganised and busy. The best friend - well yes, in my better moments I know that it was much more about here than me but its never stopped stinging.

My parents would say they are proud of me, but I never feel like I've been enough for them. I was the youngest child and I spent much of my childhood/adolescence thinking that if they hadn't had me they'd have got divorced and everyone would have been happier. Ironically, they actually have a very stable and happy marriage.

griphook, I don't know that book? Do you have the name or the author?

[cottonreels]

tut - there not their.
Sorry, am typing slowly.
We can all be a twat sometimes. But really, your friends dont have to be friends with you they are choosing to.
I have habits that I love. I love my habits thats why they are a habit. Im rambling. I think your DH would like you to disclose how youre feeling. Write that letter and ask him to help you, to smother you with kindness and nurture your soul.

[Glitterandglue]

It sounds like you've had quite low self-esteem for a very long time. That's an issue on its own but because you're so used to considering yourself in that way, you don't identify it as one, or see how it affects how you approach things. Then when the depression hits, that gets amplified a thousand times and suddenly you feel totally unworthy and like generally you've never been good enough. Right?

It is a feeling. It's not a fact. So you need some way of changing the feeling to reflect the reality (which is that you are totally a worthy person because everyone has something to contribute, no matter how small, almost nobody (possibly nobody at all) is beyond hope of being 'good' and clearly there are people who do care about you, like your DH and your parents).

Find the evidence and concentrate on it. Photographs of nights out/birthdays/Christmas/weddings and so on. Texts from someone saying, "It was great seeing you today!" Facebook messages saying thanks for the present. Letters about general nonsense. Anything that is evidence that people love you and care for you. If you were really unworthy, they wouldn't bother with you. Maybe one person or two that everyone knows sticks around out of habit but not everyone they know, not by far.

[brighthair]

I felt like this 4 years ago and was diagnosed with panic disorder and generalised anxiety
It reached a low when I realised I would rather drive into a wall than have another panic attack
Fast forward to now and with medication and CBT I am nearly there. It's hard, I know
Talking helps, exercise too. Are you feeling sort of on edge panicky or just low?

[funnypeculiar]

I just want to add to the list of people reading what you are writing, & seeing an emotionally aware, thoughtful & engaging woman.

As people have said, so much of your relationships is formed by your relationships with your parents - 'saying' they are proud of you doesn't make it feel real - words are cheap & all that.....

And that whole mates thing - you know, of my 4 best mates (who I've known for 20 years & seen through thick & thin) only one of them will contact me spontaneously. After 20 years of this I've realised it's not because they're out having fun without me (my paranoid voice) they're just a bit pants.

Your 'best' mate sounds like a knob.