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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable regarding our nanny - DH or me?

97 replies

CinnabarRed · 02/09/2011 15:32

I got a text from our nanny this morning asking me to call her. When I did she explained that she couldn't come to work on time this morning because her best friend had been assaulted while on a date last night and both Nanny and BF were waiting for the police to come round to take statements. (Nanny had been babysitting BF's children. BF didn't manage to get herself home until 4:30 am, and neither Nanny nor BF had any sleep all night.)

I told our nanny to wait for the police (they weren't done until 11, as it turns out), to take a shower and then to get herself to bed and call me when she wakes up. Apart from anything else, I don't want her looking after my children on zero sleep. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and on maternity leave, so I was perfectly able to take care of my two boys in her absence - although I did have some stuff to do for work which I had to cancel.

DH is furious. He thinks that we shouldn't pay her for today. (Not sure if it makes any difference, but our nanny will be staying with us while I'm on maternity leave. Partly to give the boys some continuity and routine, partly because I suffered from PND after each of the first two were born and partly because our boys love her and we want her to look after all three of them when I go back to work. But money is going to be very tight while I'm not working).

It's true that our nanny has had quite a bit of time off recently, but IMO it's all been reasonable - 3 days off sick, 2 weeks for jury service, and 2 days supporting the same BF, who suffered a very unexpected bereavement last month. I haven't docked her pay for any of the above, although each absence left us out of pocket - it just seemed to me unreasonable for an employer to penalise an employee for jury service or helping her BF.

So I don't want to dock her pay for one day. But DH is digging his heels in. Who's right, MN jury?

OP posts:

MillyR · 03/09/2011 18:35

I find this thread absolutely astonishing.

Surely it cannot be the case that employers can legally object to employees who are caught up in a police investigation and cannot come into work?

If, for example, you saw somebody knocked down and seriously injured by a recklessly driven car, would any of you just walk away because you had to go to work, and now wait for the police to turn up so that they could take your crucial statement?

Surely we all have a moral obligation to give witness statements to the police when required? It isn't anything to do with the fact that the two women are friends; if they had been complete strangers and the nanny had been the first person to speak to the victim, surely she should still make her police statement rather than go to work?

The person or people who first speak to the victim after an unwitnessed assault are the most crucial witnesses (apart from the victim herself) in sexual assault cases. They often make the difference between a perpetrator going to prison or walking free.

There were numerous threads on MN condemning crowd behaviour and the riots. What hypocrisy when most people on this thread don't think they have any responsibility to society even if they are a witness in a crime scene, no wonder there is so much crime.

Absolutely disgusting.

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 03/09/2011 19:44

Yes, absolutely she would always have needed to give her statement to the police, and TBF I've given her my unquestioning support over this matter (and DH has come round after hearing more details and talking it over with me).

Consensus seems to be: sick leave, jury service and the most recent BF incident were all absolutely reasonable and I handled each one appropriately; I was generous over the BF's bereavement but I'm comfortable that it was the morally and ethically right way to go.

OP posts:

Tarenath · 03/09/2011 21:01

I am a nanny and as people have said, a good nanny is like gold dust, but good employers are like gold dust too and you sound like a wonderful, compassionate employer. Had I been in the situation of your nanny, I would have been happy to have the day deducted from my annual leave, but I think you are correct to grant her paid leave for compassionate circumstances. Your DH may be a bit annoyed that all the time off seems to be happening at once but it all seems pretty unavoidable.

fit2drop · 03/09/2011 21:26

She always goes the extra mile for us if we're unexpectedly delayed at work or something otherwise comes up.

Your DH probably just needed reminding of this.

Its good to read you have come to a positive conclusion with this.

Xales · 03/09/2011 21:39

I think you have done a very generous thing.

I would however be very careful crossing the lines between employer/employee and friend.

How much time can she have off supporting a friend not relation or dependent before it impacts on you? What if she now has to have time off to support a relative or dependent?

I think you need to set clear boundaries as to what is to be expected in these instances in future.

You have already had to cancel work. I know you are off on maternity soon but how much cancelling would you or your H be able to do before your employers started to dock your salaries and impact on your actually being able to employ her if they think you are unreliable and let you go?

ChippingIn · 03/09/2011 21:49

Xales - and others who have said much the same... what exactly has the nanny done wrong? She took 2 days off for a funeral/to support her friend. That is the only time she has asked to have off. 2 days. How on earth is that wrong?

trixymalixy · 04/09/2011 11:26

It's not wrong chippingin, it's just that most employers give paid time off to support immediate family emergencies only, and would of course give the employee time off to support a friend but it would be unpaid or taken from annual leave.

I think people in this thread are just concerned that as the OP has been so generous, the nanny is now starting to take liberties taking another day off for her friend.

Only the OP knows the nanny and how honest and trustworthy she normally is, we're just giving an opinion on what is common practice elsewhere.

WreckaJones · 04/09/2011 11:35

cinnabar sounds like you are not being taken for a ride and judging by what you have told us about your nanny (and her offer to come and babysit when you gave her a day off at short notice) she appreciates it and will reciprocate so that you have a give and take relationship (e.g. days when you are late etc) - that is worth far more than kicking up a stink over a day's pay over what sounds like a genuinely awful incident she has supported her BF through.

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 07/09/2011 17:54

Quick update!

DS3 was born at home at 6:18am this morning. DS1 slept throughout the whole 2.5 hour labour, but DS2 woke at his usual 5:15. DH gave him a bottle then took him downstairs to play. He called our nanny at 5:25 and she got here at 6. Which meant DH was there when DS3 was born, because she took over looking after DS2.

Talk about going above and beyond the call of duty...!

OP posts:

SheCutOffTheirTails · 07/09/2011 18:00

Oh, how lovely, congratulations to you all :)

I think what your nanny did was within the call of duty, given the relationship you have fostered with her. That's why it makes sense to treat employees well.

banana87 · 07/09/2011 18:06

This time I would let it go, you've already told her to go back to bed and she will think she's getting paid. In future, if it ever happens again, I would make her make up the hours.

TheOriginalFAB · 07/09/2011 18:17

Congratulations on your new baby.

ChippingIn · 07/09/2011 18:19

Cinnabar - WOW - brilliant news :) BIG BIG Congratulations!!

Can we please have all the details later on :) Weight/name etc - not a blow by blow of the process - unless you really want to :) I can't even remember if you knew he was going to be a he or not??

I hope DH is regretting his 'furiousness' now

Trixymalixy - how can you say the nanny is taking liberties taking another day off to support her friend? The police were coming to do interviews as she was a witness - she had no choice but to wait for them, she simply rang up to say she'd be in late, Cinnabar told her to stay home for the day. I have employed a lot of people (in my own business) and Cinnabar has done exactly what I would have done. It is quite possible to work with people in a give & take environment and it sounds like the nanny gives as much as she takes. Hardly taking liberties and that's before you take into account not minding being woken up at 5.30 am to go into work

WhoWhoWhoWho · 07/09/2011 18:20

Just read through thread only to find your good news at the end. Congratulations!

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/09/2011 18:24

congrats on ds 3 :)

regards to original post, you told the nanny to stay off/shower/sleep etc - you were at home on ml so not if she had let you down and you needed childcare - so you cant dock her pay as you told her to stay off or sure she would have come in at 11.30

a good nanny is worth her weight in gold :) and i do think your dh is being a bit harsh

the fact your nanny is a loving compassionate person and there for her friends means she must be good at her job

i have turned down jury service several times (im a nanny) and just said i couldn't do it as there would be no one to do my job and never been a problem - same as dh did when asked as was se and again no one to do his job and if he didnt work then wouldnt get paid

maybe the government should make those on jsa do jury service and would save all those who worked needing to take time off

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 08/09/2011 15:55

ChippingIn - details as requested!

As with all three of my labours, it was very quick. I woke with my first contraction at 4:05AM, and DS3 was born at 6:18AM. In fact, the midwives only arrived 15 minutes before he was born (I had a planned home birth). I can?t tell you how good it was to see them arrive with the gas-and-air cylinders!

DS1 slept through the whole thing. DS2 woke up at his normal 5:15AM, and was downstairs watching Thomas the Tank Engine with lovely nanny.

DS3 and I are both doing well. He weighed 8lb 3.5 oz and came 2 weeks early. The only issue is that we're really struggling with wind/burping - hopefully it will get better once my milk comes in properly.....

DS3's first name is Daniel. We can't agree on his middle name. DH and I want Richard; DS1 is adamant that it should be George; DH thinks my compromise solution of giving him two middle names is a "bit posh"!

(Oh, and lovely nanny brought me chocolates and a card to say thank you for supporting her through her BF issues before DS3 came.)

OP posts:

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 08/09/2011 16:18

I've got 4 middle names as have my dc.

Master Daniel Richard George Red rolls off the tongue - perfect.

And many congratulations to all of you on the arrival of precious DS3

TheOriginalFAB · 08/09/2011 18:02

I agree, have both middle names. They are lovely.

chrisrobin · 08/09/2011 18:06

Congratulations!
Hope the windy problem is sorted soon

ChippingIn · 08/09/2011 19:02

Cinnabar - well done you :) Fabulously fast!! (I hope not too fast for your body to deal with - ouch!) 8lb 3oz - a good size then - especially for being two weeks early - I bet you're glad he didn't go to term!!

Daniel Richard George - is lovely and it's not 'posh' to have 2 middle names. There are as many ...ummm... ... well, lets just say there are all kinds of people with 2 middle names

I'm sure the wind/burping will improve quickly! If not, I'm sure one of his brothers will be only too willing to show him how to do it!!

CharCharGabor · 08/09/2011 21:08

Ah, congratulations!

skybluepearl · 08/09/2011 21:13

can you just stick by what you have said but sit her down and explain you can't really pay her next time she takes time off to help someone out. You can't afford it but she could still take the time but just not be paid.

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