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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable regarding our nanny - DH or me?

97 replies

CinnabarRed · 02/09/2011 15:32

I got a text from our nanny this morning asking me to call her. When I did she explained that she couldn't come to work on time this morning because her best friend had been assaulted while on a date last night and both Nanny and BF were waiting for the police to come round to take statements. (Nanny had been babysitting BF's children. BF didn't manage to get herself home until 4:30 am, and neither Nanny nor BF had any sleep all night.)

I told our nanny to wait for the police (they weren't done until 11, as it turns out), to take a shower and then to get herself to bed and call me when she wakes up. Apart from anything else, I don't want her looking after my children on zero sleep. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and on maternity leave, so I was perfectly able to take care of my two boys in her absence - although I did have some stuff to do for work which I had to cancel.

DH is furious. He thinks that we shouldn't pay her for today. (Not sure if it makes any difference, but our nanny will be staying with us while I'm on maternity leave. Partly to give the boys some continuity and routine, partly because I suffered from PND after each of the first two were born and partly because our boys love her and we want her to look after all three of them when I go back to work. But money is going to be very tight while I'm not working).

It's true that our nanny has had quite a bit of time off recently, but IMO it's all been reasonable - 3 days off sick, 2 weeks for jury service, and 2 days supporting the same BF, who suffered a very unexpected bereavement last month. I haven't docked her pay for any of the above, although each absence left us out of pocket - it just seemed to me unreasonable for an employer to penalise an employee for jury service or helping her BF.

So I don't want to dock her pay for one day. But DH is digging his heels in. Who's right, MN jury?

OP posts:

SiamoFottuti · 02/09/2011 16:03

I think legally you are obliged to pay for jury service, you certainly are here anyway, it would be am offence to dock pay since they have no choice in the matter. So leave that out of it.

OhdearNigel · 02/09/2011 16:04

Does your husband want to risk losing a good Nanny ? Good childcare is like gold dust

As an employer you should be able to claim back the costs of jury service from the government.

IthinkIamUndecided · 02/09/2011 16:04

I disagree with Yama; she clearly wasn't fit for work and should take it as holiday allowance or unpaid leave.

OhdearNigel · 02/09/2011 16:07

Apols, just checked and she should have reclaimed her expenses and told the courts that you would not pay her for her absence - then she reclaims her loss of earnings. How long ago was it that she did jury service ? You might be able to get back her wages, then she can reclaim them from the home office.

She would get £65 a day, which is tax free I believe.

mummymccar · 02/09/2011 16:15

I'm with Yama - she phoned and said you'd be late and you told her to stay at home for the day. You can't dock her pay for this. The other day off supporting her best friend is a bit odd though.

fedupofnamechanging · 02/09/2011 16:21

I think your husband is being a little harsh. You can't count the illness or jury service - these are not her fault.

Wrt the friend, I imagine it would be very hard to leave someone who has just been assaulted. She was honest with you and you told her not to come in and I agree with the poster who said it would be wrong to dock her pay given that you gave permission for this.

I do think that your husband is right to ask that all future time off be taken as annual leave.

I also think that if you were not on maternity leave, she would have probably come in today, so it's true to think she feels it is less urgent because you are there.

I would have a quiet word and tell her that dh is not happy with her taking time off to support her friend and in future it will have to be taken as holiday.

I do think that if you have an employee who is brilliant in all other ways, then it's worth trying to accommodate her a bit. Any more time off would be taking the piss though.

pinkytheshrinky · 02/09/2011 16:24

I think the goodwill that a days pay will buy you will be worth it's weight in gold.

madeupme · 02/09/2011 16:25

I would see if it works both ways. You are being very generous with her but if she would happily do a few hours unpaid overtime then it is a flexible working arrangement to everyones benefit. If she works to rule then so should you.

rookiemater · 02/09/2011 16:31

She is very lucky you are not at work, you may not have been so understanding if you had to find a replacement carer or taken a day off work.

It's good that you have a nice relationship but it does sound as if there has been quite a lot of time off recently and she may not be taking the mick, but could get to that stage if not addressed.

I would have a chat with her, tell her how much you value her etc but that any future emergency days off will be unpaid.

dinkystinky · 02/09/2011 16:32

Your DH is being a little harsh. See what your nanny offers when she's back at work.

FWIW, our nanny has done this before too due to a friend needing help (broken bones in accident - no family in UK to be with her). She was very grateful that we gave her the day off - and offered herself to make it up with extra free babysitting etc. The alternative would be to use it as a day's holiday for your nanny - which is what most people would have to do.

spiderpig8 · 02/09/2011 16:34

Hmm do you believe the story about the friend and her bereavment and attacks , or could your nanny have just been out on the lash?

OhdearNigel · 02/09/2011 16:38

I do think that what you should do about today does rather depend on what happened to the friend. If the police were involved it could be something very serious like a stranger rape, on the other hand it could be something like a drunken row with a partner involving a slap in the face.
If her BF was abducted and raped then I do think it would be reasonable to pay her for today on the understanding that she owes you a bit of a favour. If something considerably less serious then maybe not, just get her to make up the hours another day when you will need her help.

trixymalixy · 02/09/2011 16:40

I would be getting ultra suspicious at the third day off to support a friend. Sick pay and jury service pay fair enough and CLOSE family emergencies, but not to support friends, that should be taken unpaid or as annual leave. On this occasion as you told her to stay home I don't think you can dock her pay, but in future, as I suspect there may be more, you should make her take it as unpaid.

I think it is important to be compassionate, but I think she is now starting to take the piss.

Flowerista · 02/09/2011 16:40

Jury service and sickness, are one thing. The BF sounds like a bit of a liability. Let the last incidents stand, and find time and setting to have a word to the effect that you are understanding but she's got big work commitments coming up and the BF will need to sort herself out until your nanny has finished work.

carabos · 02/09/2011 16:45

I think UAB very reasonable and nice and shouldn't dock her pay for illness or jury service, however, helping friends and similar stuff should come out of her leave, for which you may or may not be paying her. My concern is that you are doing it to keep her on side as you will be very dependent upon her when the new baby arrives and perhaps she's taking advantage a bit.

jeckadeck · 02/09/2011 17:10

I'm going to buck the trend and say that if you're comfortable with it then don't dock her pay and that your DH is being a tad harsh. It really depends whether you instinctively feel she is taking the piss or not. It sounds as if you think she has genuinely needed these days off work. I've been mugged a couple of times and on one occasion it was scary enough that I asked a friend to stay with me to wait for the police the following day and I think that had that friend's employer turned around and docked the pay I would have thought "tight so and so." On the other hand, if you get the sense that there's a pattern or that her life or that of her friend is a bit chaotic and that she may be being dragged into some fairly unhealthy dramas which it isn't your problem to deal with, maybe dock it. Personally I'd let this one go but watch out and if it happens again in a short space of time have a word.

SnakeOnCrack · 02/09/2011 17:43

I assume you have a contract with her which outlines her holiday entitlement? I would put it down as a holiday day, that is what would happen in any other place of work.

AlpinePony · 02/09/2011 17:49

Do you have any evidence that she did jury service?

I am almost positive that the courts give you docs to give to your employer/dole office.

knittedbreast · 02/09/2011 17:56

i think she trusts you, had she not she would have just lied and called in sick or something. dont penalise her this time but do have a talk and say that in future her friends issues will be taken as either unpaid or as leave.

then everyones happy-except your husband, but well. its ends it well

KittyFane · 02/09/2011 18:02

In a situation like this most employers would offer unpaid leave only.

So, your DH is a bit OTT to be furious but right IMO to not want to pay her.

In future, I would offer unpaid leave for things like this.

TheOriginalFAB · 02/09/2011 18:06

I think it would be stupid to tell her, quietly, that your dh is not happy as immediately she then knows you will side with her over him and she won't be treating ou both equally. You have to let it go as you told her not to come in but if you feel you want something in return, get her to babysit.

magicmelons · 02/09/2011 18:12

Initially i thought i'd have done what you have done but actually what is the reasonable thing to do is to dock her a days holidays but pay her as usual. I'd of questioned the payment for jury service too.

iliketeabutprefercoffeetoday · 02/09/2011 18:15

For this incident, your dh is bu - you told your nanny to sleep and then call you, so it wouldn't be fair to dock her wages after the event.

However, in future you would nbu to tell her that it will come out her annual leave entitlement or be unpaid. I would guess that most other employers will limit any paid compassionate leave and offer it only for close family members. Also I would guess that if you are planning to go back to work, if she was unable to work for whatever reason, your carers leave would be limited (so you would end up paying her for days that she says she can't work while you may end up having to take unpaid leave.

LynetteScavo · 02/09/2011 18:21

I'm with your DH (you sound lovely, btw!) but you already told her to get some sleep before coming into work, so I would treat it as a sick day.

Having said that, I would have a chat with her, explain you had to cancel some work, and stress how much you will still need her even though you are on maternity leave. Tell her you and your husband together have decided that any impromptu days off to help friends out wont be paid.

ChippingIn · 02/09/2011 18:30

YANBU

DH is being a bit U. I think he can just see that it's going to be very tight while you are on maternity leave and he's probably stressing about it a bit and instead of talking about it, is just lashing out at any 'extra costs' (which it actually isn't as you were home anyway). It seems like he's mentally adding up all the time she's had off, without looking at the 'why'.

Sometimes you are closer to your friends than your family - blood does not a relationship make.

I think both he & a lot of posters here are not looking at the big picture (some have) a good nanny is worth her weight in gold. I'm sure she gives back to your family as much as she gets - otherwise you and your children wouldn't love her so much.

You told her to stay with her friend, to sleep & to call you later. You didn't need to do that. You could have said 'OK, no problem, come in as soon as you're done'. She would have been there by 11.30 and it wouldn't have been an issue. Many of us look after children when we haven't had much sleep, it's not a big deal.

I would leave things as they are - if anything else happens and you feel she's taking the mickey then you will need to talk to her. But frankly, to me, it doesn't sound at all like she's taking the mickey and she was honest with you - she could have just called in sick - she didn't - that says a lot.

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