To expect DH To consult me before giving up work?

[CrushedWithEyeliner]

Background: I am SAHM, he works away during week. Has become stressed about work etc. recently. A couple of months ago his father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, DH has (understandably) struggled with this also.

He has become withdrawn and argumentative with myself and the children to such a degree that I tentatively suggested he see his GP for counselling or a short course of ADs to help with initial shock he may be experiencing.

All to no avail, he is on verge of tears often, but will not talk about it.

Last week he spoke to me and then work about a possible transfer to be closer to work. They have already started to discuss a new role that would be within 50 miles of home.

This weekend he said to me that actually, he wanted to ask for 3 month hiatus to be home. Now this morning he has mentioned the possibility of manual labour jobs in the near vicinity and just called to tell me he has applied to reduce hours to a three day week.

I think he is depressed and is not thinking entirely rationally. If I were to work instead of him, my salary would be around 20% what he earns so not practical.

The job Market is not strong enough for him to guarantee another job in the new year and I'm panicking about how we can survive if he does this.

I'm pissed off that he is messing with my family's security and hasn't even consulted me about all these changes of heart, not to mention that (selfishly) I don't want him at home for 3 months if he is going to continue to be argumentative and unreasonable to me and children. I can't tell him this and add to his stress but feel powerless and a complete bitch

So AIBU to tell him to stay in work or should I deal with it?

depression is really hard to understand if you have never experienced it. I have, and I still find it infuriating when I interact with others who are currently suffering.

But I agree with zzzz - the last thing someone needs is to be given the message they are being selfish - often, they are feeling huge amounts of guilt and feelings of tremendous inadequacy. They don't want to be feeling the way they feel, and these feelings can lead to suicide. They do need to be helped to see that they are ill and guided towards the things they need to do to get better.

I'm talking generally here, not about the OP's situation. I see it's harder when the non-consultation thing has happened before. Also, no matter what the cause - being the brunt of someone else's aggression, irritability and despair is really really wearing.

So basically your DH has worked his butt off so that you can stay at home with the children and he now can't do it any more - get off your butt and go get a job to help out the family!!!

Having said that if he's genuinely depressed then he should be able to get some sick leave from work - clinical depression is not just being unhappy and wanting to change his job though, and it sounds as if your husband has realised that he needs to change his lifestyle to change his mindset.

northerngirl, did you not see the OP's post where she said that she had to turn down a job because her DH had unilaterally moved the family without consulting her? And where she says that she could only earn 20% of what he earns?

Being at home with children is a damn sight harder than most paid jobs (I speak as the parent earning the income in our household, in a fairly pressured job: I couldn't be at home with DS and I'm incredibly grateful to DH for being willing and able to do that). I think your post is pretty offensive.

I agree Tadlow - it's unwarranted to imply SAHMs are spongers - her job has been looking after his children, thus saving money

or SAHDS

my dp's dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness, dp was made redundant on the same day. Made zero attemp to get another job and spent a year visiting his dad.

We got in massive amounts of debt (not just because of that but it didn't help) Took years to re pay the money, and whilst I would nver begrude him the time he spent with his dad. It was me that ended up on ad's due to finacial stress and worry.

The debts took years to pay off and did put a massive strain on our relationship, but on a positive side he got to spend that last year with his dad. not really sure where i'm going with this but i completely understand how you feel and where you are coming from.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you and your family, terminal illness is so stressful and emotional for everyone involved.

I agree with what GetAway has said.

You need to keep quietly telling him that he needs to see the GP, that you will go too, that you need to come up with a strategy together. And if he refuses, I'd suggest you go and speak to your GP on your own. Talk about ads in a matter-of-fact way.

There's a good chance it won't make any difference if you tell him to stay in work or if you tell him he can give up if it's getting too hard. It might be that he is beyond any talk helping him.

porca, bow out. You haven't got a clue.