To expect DH To consult me before giving up work?

[CrushedWithEyeliner]

Background: I am SAHM, he works away during week. Has become stressed about work etc. recently. A couple of months ago his father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, DH has (understandably) struggled with this also.

He has become withdrawn and argumentative with myself and the children to such a degree that I tentatively suggested he see his GP for counselling or a short course of ADs to help with initial shock he may be experiencing.

All to no avail, he is on verge of tears often, but will not talk about it.

Last week he spoke to me and then work about a possible transfer to be closer to work. They have already started to discuss a new role that would be within 50 miles of home.

This weekend he said to me that actually, he wanted to ask for 3 month hiatus to be home. Now this morning he has mentioned the possibility of manual labour jobs in the near vicinity and just called to tell me he has applied to reduce hours to a three day week.

I think he is depressed and is not thinking entirely rationally. If I were to work instead of him, my salary would be around 20% what he earns so not practical.

The job Market is not strong enough for him to guarantee another job in the new year and I'm panicking about how we can survive if he does this.

I'm pissed off that he is messing with my family's security and hasn't even consulted me about all these changes of heart, not to mention that (selfishly) I don't want him at home for 3 months if he is going to continue to be argumentative and unreasonable to me and children. I can't tell him this and add to his stress but feel powerless and a complete bitch

So AIBU to tell him to stay in work or should I deal with it?

belgo, I'm not sure it's the OP's responsibility to get her DH the help he needs: it's his responsibility to recognise that he needs it and do something about it, and the OP's to support him and encourage him. It sounds as though attempts to get him to see his GP are hitting a brick wall at the moment.

OP, if you were to get a job (leaving aside, just for a moment) the problem with you not being able to get one that pays enough), do you think your DH is well enough to look after the children while you're at work? It sounds as though all this is affecting his relationship with them as well as with you.

Sorting his shit out means going to the doctor, looking at ADs and counselling, possibly downsizing work. Better to do it with a supportive and non-judgemental partner.

'just cos he is stressed he cant jack everything in.'
Yes he can, he can just walk away from the whole mess, dozens a year do it, and others kill themselves. My boyfriend's father killed himself for very similar reasons when BF was two. So yelling 'man up' might not be very useful.
OP, what will you do if he does collapse completely or leave?
What can you do to safeguard your children and your home?

Think suggestion to 'man up' us a little unhelpful, would you say that if it was a problem with his physical health??

Hi, I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through. I can't talk for your DH and my experiences are very different in that when my dad died I had a long term boyfriend, not husband, and no children - so his responsibilities are a lot more.

When my dad died my partner was very unsupportive. I was miserable but after a few weeks I felt that he thought I should be coming through it, which in fact took a couple of years.

I ditched him.

I also quit my PhD to work in a clothes shop for minimum wage. It was a big pay cut but I was a lot happier with the decrease in responsibility and frivolity of my new job and just reined in my lifestyle to suit my new budget.

BUT

The lack of communication is not on! And you said he has done this twice before, this is a clear lack of respect and regard which has NOTHING to do with his father's illness.

Its difficult to say how to approach it though, because any resistance you put up will be put down to you being "insensitive".

I really feel for you. I have often thought back to how I was back then and that I don't think I could have coped with going out with me.

Practically, if he cuts to three days, could you survive?

Because I would say tíf ypu can then it´s up to him as he´s still providing for everyone.

Depression is an illness that can result in long term morbidity and even death. There are posters on this thread that do not understand that.

The OP needs to do everything possible to get him the help that he needs - she needs to speak to friends/ family, get other people to talk to him, see the GP herself because if he doesn't get the help he needs, the prognosis of depression can be devastating (and I am not just talking about him losing his job).

I see that he views a visit to his GP as a sign of weakness. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth as it is sign of courage when we recognise that we need professional help to deal with our mental health.

Without medical intervention, he's going to go round in circles making his own pain and anguish worse and causing unnecessary hurt to his LOs

I'd put a visit to his GP accompanied by yourself on the table as a deal breaker because he needs to explore every avenue before making decisions that will have impact on his, and his family's, financial stability and well-being.

IMO he also needs a couple of weeks' sick leave as of NOW because, understandably, he is not thinking straight at the present time.

YANBU He should absolutely speak to you before and you BOTH decide what to do for the best, hes fucking about with the families future and its not on.

Im with the ones who say he needs to man up a bit, it must be horrid with the situation with his Dad but it will be even more stressful if you cant pay bills and face losing your house. to the pp who suggested you could go bankrupt and get a council house - yea thats the answer

and also agree with the pp's saying he needs to go to the docs. I was in a very bad place until I went and was put on ad's, took a while to find the right ones but now when I get flashbacks of how strange I was and some of the things I said and decisions I nearly made I cant believe Im the same person

I agree with what people have said about getting him to the GP quickly, or even a chat with a good friend (or his parents/siblings??)... in the meantime, what you need to do is to look at your finances and see what you can ditch/put on hold/pay less/shop less etc. My DH got made redundant recently. We decided that he was best trying to go solo and set up his own practice. so we're one month in, he's got a practice, no fee earning job but a website and a fb page!

seriously though... he's so much happier without the commute. We had to look at our finances, and have cut down alot on eating out, and days out (eg friends asked if we wanted to go see thomas (the tank engine) and we said no - we could perhaps afford it, but the fact that we said no made me feel alot happier as have automatically 'saved' £100!). shopping at aldi/lidl... etc.

once you have a look at finances, you might feel happier that actually you can afford if he works 3 days a week (or as a manual labourer).

I may sound harsh but I dont think this man has clinicial depression here, he is obviously stressed and down. I am angry at him, not sure why

OP I feel for you, maybe dont quote him my words. But I do get angry when people get down and drop their shit, sorry but I do.

He might or might not have clinical depression - it's impossible to tell from words on a screen. But he's obviously going through a very bad time and needs sympathy and support. However, OP is not being unreasonable in wanting him to consult her before making decisions that affect his whole family, or in getting frustrated when he won't go to the GP.

The thing that worries me is the point about moving jobs (and therefore making the whole household move) twice before: it doesn't sound as though consulting the OP was exactly his strong point before all this stuff happened to him.

Thank you for all the replies!

Children needed attention (how unreasonable), I can see how words on a screen can be confusing.

I am a very considerate person and I don't expect him to risk his mental health to keep me in the manner I have become accustomed to

I am also very aware of the grief he is suffering and how it is worse in a way because his father is not dead (and still in denial).

I am annoyed that I am shut out. He will not talk about how he is feeling, will not see GP or access any talking therapies. He is not consulting me on changes that will affect me. He is snappish, impatient and expects unreasonable things from myself and children. And yet I am expected to maintain patience, not snap back and make allowances.

I don't think I can and yet I don't want to make him feel worse.

porcamiseria I think on some level I am angry too. I've spent 3 years with 3 children under age of 5, he has worked away and I know his job is stressful but he gets to leave, go out and let off steam. I am on call all day and night with sickness, teething, tantrums. I have no family in the area and I am tired all the time and stressed in my own way too.

At no stage have I threatened to down tools and am maybe feeling aggrieved that he gets to (now I know this is U, but can't help feeling it). Obviously, I would never say this too him but is still grating in the background.

Sorry south mum, that's it. When I had depression myself, the counsellor told me that I shouldn't try to make big decisions because I wouldn't be thinking clearly. He just doesn't get that though.

Unfortunately, you're probably not going to be able to "fix" him. If he is depressed, then you either have to put up with him or don't. It's perfectly reasonable of you to feel put upon, but in the end, that's sort of what you signed up to. I've been on both ends of a similar situation, and have essentially been carried, and carried the other person. If you can't do that while he recovers, then the only thing I see you being able to do is split from him.

Not sure if that sounds harsh or not. Emotional issues are hard enough in person, never mind on the internet!

I dont blame you

I feel angry on your behalf. This may sound very biased but women cant down tools, we just keep on going, and going. like you said.

sorry but millions of people have to deal with illness, work stress, cancer and just fucking get on with it.

I think you need to share this anger, and maybe he needs to get that he is not only one suffering here

you know better than us

but you need to snap him out of this self pity and make him realise he needs help, and maybe some anger and a reaction on your part is what it will take,

gah

I wonder how the offer for him to work nearer home came about. Has he seen someone from Occupational Health? (if there is such a dept at his work).

I too have suffered from depression and quit a job suddenly, but after a visit to OH was persuaded to see out a 3 month "cooling-off period" to decide whether leaving was really the right thing to do (it was, but I wished I sought help before I'd made the decision to leave, because I honestly didn't realise I was depressed, and could have been helped with that as I made decisions about what to do next. Failure to get that help left me with a long legacy of feeling like an utter failure).

OP I am so sympathetic to both of you - people with depression are difficult to live with - men especially, IME can present with irritability and anger which makes it hard to be the one holding things together. Hopefully you can get him some help - but maybe through the work route?

I would say - don't panic. Let him do what he needs to do to feel better right now, even if that means a hiatus. And I agree - look at your finances and see what you can do to gain some control over things.

And I would say that you are entitled to feel what you are feeling, which is obviously anger right now. I'm not sure of the wisdom of sharing that with him right at this moment.

porcamiseria - he is getting on with it though, maybe not in the best way, who knows?, but he hasn't "downed tools". But yes, he should have shared - hopefully he will.

telling people to "man up" is exactly the reason why lots of men don't recognise, acknowledge or share the fact they aren't coping - it's not "manly". That's hardly fair is it?

Very, very tough and I feel for you OP. It's reasonable for him to ask unreasonably but it's unreasonable for him to expect you to just suck it up indefinitely and with no compromises and no consultation. Unfortunately finding a middle ground is difficult. I have to say, I started to think of this differently when I read that you have moved twice before to accommodate his unhappiness with his job. It may be that the reasons this time are better, but in that case I can really see why it is so frustrating.

Is the three day change permanent or a temporary arrangement? I would primarily work on getting him to make any arrangements like this temporary to be reviewed later.

Any chance of you moving closer to family/friends? That way you get some support and would perhaps then in turn be able to feel better about supporting him more.

Could you manage financially if he switched to a manual job close to home?

yes he needs to see that he isnt the only one suffering this, you're in it together which means making life changing decisions together. His company sound like they can be accomodating and if they agree to the three day week, and you can get by £wise, then this is a fair compromise for now and you can reassess in a couple of months.

We are in negative equity so no chance of move i' m afraid.

I actually feel calmer about this now. With things like this, you can't voice your darker thoughts and they fester and become more and more selfish.

The power of Mumsnet is such that I have had a chance to admit my anger and selfish thoughts and they no longer feel as powerful.

I really am fine with the idea of him cutting back with a view to reducing his stress and now feel calm enough to tell him to involve me a little more without it sounding like a criticism.

:)

Good.

I do agree with vocalising the dark thoughts with sympathetic people.

I think he needs to stop making life changing decisions for a couple of weeks at least. Try to pursuade him to go to the GP to get signed off for two weeks for any reason at all (bad back etc. if he won't admit to stress) so he can have a bit of thinking space. It sounds a bit like he is spinning around without any direction and needs to pause and think.

I understand those who are saying "man up" I had to do this when my Dad died as I am the main breadwinner, the kids still have to get to school etc. DH did his fair share but he can't go to work for me. However, going to work and being in routine was also a coping strategy for me so it was appropriate in my case. In your DH's case, the work routine is not helping him cope so I suspect he needs a break from it.

I think a couple of weeks head space might help him slow down his thinking and look at options rationally. Then he can decide with you what is appropriate.

However, you are not his emotional punchbag and you have a right to tell him to stop if he constantly tries to dump his emotional stress on to you. You can choose to put up with more than you might otherwise accept because of the circumstances but you don't have to keep sucking it up no matter what he throws at you.