To expect DH To consult me before giving up work?

[CrushedWithEyeliner]

Background: I am SAHM, he works away during week. Has become stressed about work etc. recently. A couple of months ago his father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, DH has (understandably) struggled with this also.

He has become withdrawn and argumentative with myself and the children to such a degree that I tentatively suggested he see his GP for counselling or a short course of ADs to help with initial shock he may be experiencing.

All to no avail, he is on verge of tears often, but will not talk about it.

Last week he spoke to me and then work about a possible transfer to be closer to work. They have already started to discuss a new role that would be within 50 miles of home.

This weekend he said to me that actually, he wanted to ask for 3 month hiatus to be home. Now this morning he has mentioned the possibility of manual labour jobs in the near vicinity and just called to tell me he has applied to reduce hours to a three day week.

I think he is depressed and is not thinking entirely rationally. If I were to work instead of him, my salary would be around 20% what he earns so not practical.

The job Market is not strong enough for him to guarantee another job in the new year and I'm panicking about how we can survive if he does this.

I'm pissed off that he is messing with my family's security and hasn't even consulted me about all these changes of heart, not to mention that (selfishly) I don't want him at home for 3 months if he is going to continue to be argumentative and unreasonable to me and children. I can't tell him this and add to his stress but feel powerless and a complete bitch

So AIBU to tell him to stay in work or should I deal with it?

Ooh, zzzzzz I think you have stumbled onto wrong thread here or you haven't actually read the thread I made no judgement about the value of his grief, I put it forward as an explantation of his behaviour.

I have no requirement for a slave, I have before and will again adjust my standard of living to accommodate him as I have already stated.

I am there for him completely, I was just asking if I was reasonable to be consulted before he made life changing decisions. I am struggle
Ing with the fact that I cannot help him as the usual tactilevemotive man I know has become edgy, monosyllabic and refuses to acknowledge the very real grief he is struggling to contain.

So keep your well meant shakes

Right, am off my high horse now.

Vocalising dark thoughts to sympathetic people...exactly GetAwayFromHerYouBitch

Chaz, excellent reasoned post, thank you!

Have read back some of my posts and realised I may have given impression that my lifestyle was in someway extravagant, it is far from...3 bed terrace and no forge in holidays.

Not that it makes any difference but, just so you know.

zzzzz making a decision like this without involving the OH is also horrid and disrespectful. OP isnt saying shes not supportive, and he is potentially putting the family at risk by not just sitting down and discussing options (of which ad's / docs should definitely be one)

He needs to think of the family not just his own grief or hardships. Jesus we all have shit to deal with, but when you have responsibilities you cant just decide not to work anymore without exploring other solutions

You'd be fine with it, would you, zzzz: you'd just accept that your OH was making decisions that potentially meant you and your DC losing your home, without even consulting you first, and you think OP is unreasonable because she wants to be consulted? I'm not sure I believe you.

Living with someone with depression is really hard (if that is what's happening here) - been there, done that, though in my case it wasn't my partner. The OP would have to be a saint not to be angry and upset about what's happening here.

zzzzz

Like you I have lost my parents as has DH an I really don't agree that in the midst of grief making life changing decisions that have an impact on your whole family is fine. Nothing is clear when you are grieving and I accept that Crushed DH needs some time away from work but he really needs to pause and take time to come to terms with his feelings before making any permanent changes. You know that grief is a process you have to work through and in my view focussing on changing external things can be a way of not facing up to the really painful feelings inside. Working three days a week may help take the pressure off him whilst he grieves (and Crushed has accepted that) but he still needs to work through the grieving process, changing his working hours will not take away the pain. Once he is further through that process he can decide whether or not 3 days away is a permanent change or not.

when you are depressed you don't really think much about other people (horrible as that sounds). And actually if it's severe you can't think straight at all. Which is not to say the OP has to put up with it, but getting him to acknowledge that he is not himself is the first step, I think.

Again, through the power of Internet it is impossible to get the correct estimation of someone.

I am a reasonable, intelligent person so I understand that being edgy and monosyllabic is not unusual.

I am worried for his mental health.
I cannot force him to seek help.
I believe his changing decisions re his work are a symptom of this. So whilst I am happy for him to give up work and set up a tent in his parents garden if it will make it easier for him. I would appreciate being involved in the decision making process and then could also help him reason some of the more outlandish things out so that he isn't informing his HR Dept of different things on different days.

You are in titled to your opinion, it just seems to be rather extreme in an otherwise well balanced AIBU (never thought I'd write that)

Ooh thanks fellow anonymous people! Much faster typing than me.

Sorry for odd intitled spelling. Apple is not a fan of certain words and desperate to change English language

Give up

You seem to have over-empathised with the dh's position zzzzzz.

There is no suggestion that the dh is spending every available spare moment with his df, nor that he would do so if he gave up work.

What is important is the we live in the NOW and ensure that, in doing so, we are not storing up regrets for the future.

The dh's moods are impacting on his LOs ones and they should not be further destabalised by him making rash decisions with no thought to the future.

You need to know OP that, although you are not struggling with working away from home and the prospect of losing one of your dps, your feelings are as valid as those that your dh is experiencing.

Communication is key but, if he continues to refuse to seek medical advice and continues to take his angst out on you and your dc, you should give serious consideration to making his lack of respect and consideration for you as his lifelong partner a dealbreaker, regardless of whatever grief/stress he is currently suffering,

A lot of males define themselves by their careers and/or by their ability to provide for their families My concern is that if your dh continues on his present irrational course and jeopardises his future employment prospects, he may spiral downwards into clinical depression in the not too distant future.

ZZZZ - not understandable and NOT reasonable. You yourself have admitted that he sounds like he is not in a place to discuss options - he needs to get in a place where he can think rationally. ATM hes just deciding shit on his own that might impact badly on OP, his AND his kids futures which just isnt on.

He may hate the idea of drugging himself (pur-lease its ad's not ketamine ), I did at first but am glad I did otherwise Id have lost my home, my DP and most of my family and friends.

I have mentioned that I was expressing here what I would never admit to anywhere else.

I'm not sure of your situation but I must assume then that your finance has no bearing on your mortgage, gas bills, food etc.

I'm not asking for a discussion, I am worried for him that he keeps telling me that he is giving up his job, wants to get a job that he has no interest/experience in, wants to move to a different location again.

I personally am against medication as the first step in depression. However the NHS is such that there will inevitably be a waiting list for a talking therapy and he seems to be approaching crisis point.

However I have contacted a charity that is connected to his fathers illness in the hope that they have a group for families. But that wouldn't fit with your judgement, so please feel free to disregard.

Oh and he doesn't hate the idea (of ADs) and doesn't think it will help.

He will not talk about it.

Can take disagreement and did honestly post to get a range of opinion.

However, shock faces and wanting to shake people will get emotive responses

Thank you though, my priority is my family which includes DH so even though it is frustrating to sit watching someone reacting rather than thinking. I love him and will be there to pick up the pieces if things do turn for worse. You have helped to crystallise this along with all the other posters who have kindly responded.

If he doesn't get help he could have a nervous breakdown and end up in hospital. He needs anti depressants that or crash and burn.

I know I've been there.

Took three years to work again.

Oh and every employer has to pay statutory sick pay.

it's frustrating to sit watching someone reacting rather than thinking

He is thinking, but it's probable that the thoughts he is having are ones that may not have come to the forefront of his mind before.

In processing his df's prognosis he may be taking stock of his life to date, reliving past events, and generally wondering 'why?'. Why my df, why does he have cancer, why is life so cruel, what is the point/purpose of it all, etc, and he may be feeling extremely angry at the hand that fate has dealt him/his df.

His may see leaving his job as way of escaping a life spent on the treadmill of work. He may be thinking that if his life is going to end in death, he wants more time to enjoy the years he has before the inevitable happens to him too.

His idea of moving to another location may be his way of taking his mind off some of his thoughts - moving and changing his occupation offers the prospect of throwing himself into something new which will preoccupy his mind (temporarily) leaving him less time to 'think'.

In the longer term, he will benefit from counselling; in the short term, ADs can serve to take the edge off the negative thoughts that can so easily arise when we are faced with the death of our LOs.

wow yanbu!!!

i don't think i'd be coping nearly as well as you are. sorry - no suggestions as no experience of this but wishing you all the best. you sound very supportive to me.

If he consulted you, what would you have said? Would you have been supportive of a reduction in his hours? What would have been your solution?

And he did talk to you last week about some ideas. Did you guys not talk about it then?

Counseling is not what he needs at the moment or pills. He needs to get his stress level to a manageable level and maybe more time to spend with his dad in the last couple of months of his life. He's grieving for his dad.

I was married to am man who suffered with chronic depressive episodes for 17 years, and I do think that your husband is depressed, and has been for some time, his father's illness is the straw that broke the camel's back rather than the main cause of the illness.

He needs counselling desperately, but like many men see an inability to get over an illness themselves as admission of failure.

You need to look at what has caused the depression, when did he start becoming withdrawn (you say he has drawn into himself emotionally and physically - not being as tactile, emotive or as talkative as before) and has become anxious and dissatisfied with his jobs more quickly. Can you trace this back to any source event - does it tie in with the birth of your second or third child, with your own bout of depression etc is the pressure of being the sole provider the underlying cause, and the realisation that the loss of his father will leave him as part of the oldest generation of men in the family? Both of these scenarios are common and men in particular don't recognise why they feel like they do, but refuse to go to counselling so rarely uncover the causes.

You are frustrated that you are being shut out of the loop and are not being consulted in his decisions. You are not shut out - no one is included in his decisions not even his own logical thought processes, let alone yours.

You need to find a way to get him to engage with the process without pushing or nagging or he will fold in on himself even more.

I suggest you tell him that you are concerned about the future and you want to go to counselling and would he come along to be supportive. I would also look at ways that you can reduce the entire financial burden of the family from him, as others have said there are 7 days in a week can you work three each and have one together, can you work two and go to college on a third to increase your earnings potential.

I'm sorry to be harsh, and maybe you have come on MN because there is no where in real life that you can let the caring supportive mask slip and have the "what about me" time that everyone deserves, but in real life you need to be looking at practical issues to get your family through this, because if DH goes much further down this path alone then the consequences could be much greater than financial hardship.

"Asking him to carry in working because you want to keep the same standard of living regardless of what is going on is horrid. . He is not an indentured slave, he is your partner."

Grr, ZZZ the OP has no choice though, she has to get up, every morning and care for her family, thats HER job. she cant just say "OH I am depressed" and then lie in bed all day can she?

I just feel angry on behalf of the OP, her DH is acting selfishly and is so consumed in his misery he is not even thkning of his family. depression is a selfish thing

I do agree that he needs help but I think OP is right to give him a fucking shake and make him wake up to his responsibilities, and make him understand that he is on a slippery slope

My dad has cancer, I work FT and am breadwinner, my work is stressful. This is why I am so angry with her DH!