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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset with ex ps family

27 replies

floppops · 01/09/2011 13:50

My ex p and I spilt in January but he is now living with us ( he pays rent at this flat) till I move soon due to financial reasons.
Long story short he has always been total nightmare.
Latest being he admitted to seeing prostitutes whilst I was pregnant and since. Also left large amount of cocaine where our 19 month old could have got to it.
So I am livid and very upset. But am also really upset with his family who are all rallying around him to support him!! As he is so upset blah blah..usual bull. His mother knows what's happened and came round today as though all was fine! Am I being unreasonable to be upset with them too?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/09/2011 13:51

YANBU to be upset at the circumstances but YABU if you think a family would cold-shoulder one member just because they've behaved badly. The expression is 'blood is thicker than water'...

CurrySpice · 01/09/2011 13:52

No YANBU

And I'm sorry to mention this but you need to get tested for STIs :(

Sorry - sounds like a total nightmare

kelly2000 · 01/09/2011 13:53

NO. But they raised a person who used cocaine and prositutes whilst his partner was pregnant and then left the drugs where his dd could have got them, so i would not be surprised. If they guilt you just tell them it was his choice to use drugs and prostitutes and leave drugs where dd could get them.

slightlyunbalanced · 01/09/2011 13:55

Yes - their loyalties will always lie with him - whatever he does. I have never had any support from either of my ex's families even though at points they have both behaved appallingly. I don't even get a Christmas card, and the one if them isn't allowed to bring pressies from his Gran home the others get sent to their dads which I find weird as they live with me and gets out of seeing them as often as poss.

Do yourself a favour and expect nothing then you will never be disappointed.

2blessed2bstressed · 01/09/2011 13:56

Perhaps (and I'm not saying it's right), they think that because you're still living together, it is all ok, and you just had a falling out about something. Do they definitely know what's been going on, or has he given them a version of the truth? Also, as other poster said, blood thicker than water.

scrambedeggs · 01/09/2011 13:57

But they raised a person who used cocaine and prositutes whilst his partner was pregnant and then left the drugs where his dd could have got them, so i would not be surprised.

what a load of rubbish. So you are saying all feckless kids have their parents to blame? Some good families have feckless kids as well you know

Pang · 01/09/2011 13:58

You do have a right to be upset at the situation but I agree with Cogito. They are his family so will stand by his side. Are you getting any support from your family and friends? Maybe they could help you to move out sooner rather than later. WOuldn't want baby in house where they were exposed to drugs.

Andrewofgg · 01/09/2011 14:00

If your child ever splits you will be supportive of him and not the ex-p. It's what parents do.

LineRunner · 01/09/2011 14:00

I agree with Kelly and slightlyunbalanced, in that the family who raises a man who causes considerable hurt and damage to others often (but not always) manage to downplay the hurt and damage, in order the make themselves feel more ok.

Or, as in my case, they might keep proclaiming 'We are going to stay neutral on this' which is just another way of saying 'We will always put our son first no matter what he does to you or our grandchildren.'

I don't know why you have this man living with you. I'm glad you can move soon. He sounds toxic.

ShirleyKnot · 01/09/2011 14:02

You might be better getting this moved to somewhere other than AIBU to be honest.

Having said that, I don't think you are being unreasonable TBH. My X's family continue to prop him up and support no matter what he does. That just gives him a licence to be a cunt, as he feels somehow...not justified, but just that it's OK I guess, because no one ever says to him "YOU ARE BEING A FUCKING ARSE, sort yourself out SHITSPONGE"

I would seriously consider getting this situation changed ASAP. Get him out of there and you won't have his big stupif fuckface hanging around the place.

Fucking coke and prostitutes? What a prick.

ShirleyKnot · 01/09/2011 14:03

Oh and Andrewofgg - if either of my sons treated their wives or kids like SHIT (as my own x has done, and also the OP's) then NO I wouldn't be "supportive" of that.

Original poster

floppops · 01/09/2011 14:52

Yes I totally agree ShirleyKnot if my dd ever behaved in this way and endangered my grandchild or even just behaved so badly towards someone I would have something to say about it and I would also try and show some respect and understanding to whoever they had hurt.
But I realise I will have to just accept his family will never change.
Pang I do have a supportive mum but no other family and have some good friends too. He has a much larger family.
2blessed2bestressed I have told his family what has happened really clearly as he had only told them half of it. I was really surprised they weren't consumed by shame but there you go.
I am hoping to move in a matter of days-is the only reason I am here still.

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 01/09/2011 15:06

Please get yourself to the sexual health clinic and get tested OP

It's a shit thing to have to do but needs to be done if he's been sleeping around :(

Original poster

floppops · 01/09/2011 15:10

We always used condoms-he was always careful to. Only time we didn't along came dd. Only slept with him a couple of times anyway as he wouldn't come near me when I was pregnant and then when dd was small he was pissed/coked up/out or just awful.

OP posts:

Original poster

floppops · 01/09/2011 15:14

Meant we only slept together a few times since being pregnant. Before the pregnancy had an active sex life ( using condoms ). Plus you are tested for STIs when pregnant I seem to remember? And since then little chance of catching anything.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/09/2011 15:15

Put yourself in his family's shoes for a second. To say it's an awkward situation is putting it mildly. Him living in the same house with you who he has cheated on and a baby that he's put at risk with his drug abuse is so bizarre and so far outside most people's experience of normal that who knows what the correct reaction should be? Just because they are sympathetic towards their son or not overcome with shame it doesn't automatically mean they don't respect or understand you.... I think they're in a very difficult spot and trying to steer an impossible course between you. The sooner you are out of the place, the better.

CurrySpice · 01/09/2011 15:16

Some STIs (like herpes) can be passed on even if you use condoms. And it only takes one time...

I personally would want to know if I were you

brodanbell · 01/09/2011 15:17

Perhaps they are consumed by shame, but this is their way of dealing with it? I suspect this is how they have dealt with their sons shortcomings all his life - by ignoring it, which of course in the long run has not done him any good. It's hard for you to fathom as you have been at the receiving end of his poor behaviour, but perhaps the reality of you moving out, losing access to his child will be the kick in the teeth he needs.

So no YANBU to expect them to be upset with them, but I think you, as others have said, will only be disappointed if you expect to see them publicly condemn their son's behaviour. If they are going to do it at all, it will be behind closed doors.

pippilongsmurfing · 01/09/2011 15:49

Of course they will support him, he is their son.
That doesn't neccesarily mean they condone what he may/may not have done.
If it were the other way round surely you would expect support from your parents?

ShirleyKnot · 01/09/2011 15:53

And that, right there, is the reason that we have a generation of fucked up useless fathers with no bloody idea or clue how to be a decent human being.

It's not a bad thing to say to a member of your family, who has behaved appalingly, that you choose not support the things he's done, and it's certainly not unreasonable to expect the family not to say to the mother/wife of the offended party "aw, he's having a really tough time"

Original poster

floppops · 01/09/2011 15:55

I would not expect my parents to pretend all was fine. I would not expect my parents to disregard their grandchildrens safety. Yes I would expect their support but there is a difference between support and enabling bad behaviour by ignoring it.

OP posts:

slightlyunbalanced · 01/09/2011 16:03

My parents remained neutral when I split with my ex. He even phoned her up and had a good old whinge about me while he behaved appallingly and she supported him. They didn't get involved when he tried to have ne sacked, arrested or done for drink driving either still greeted him like a long lost son when they crossed paths.

She only realised what a total cock he was when our son was rushed into hospital for emergency surgery and he refused to take time out of his life to look after our other kids/be there for our son and she ended up staying for a week to help me. That's my own mother so I have never batted an eyelid that his parents don't even ever contact me or pull him up on his behaviour. I just maintain a dignified silence. I know the truth and I never expected people to take sides or had kiss expecting either of our families to help me bring them up.

slightlyunbalanced · 01/09/2011 16:05

Bloody iPhone!

slavetofilofax · 01/09/2011 16:15

Yanbu to be angry with them.

But I'm not sure what you really expect them to do. Was your ex mil supposed to turn up at your flat and just start having a go at him?

They will always love him, no matter what he has done, and rightly so.

If I were the mil in this situation, I would tell my son exactly what I thought of his behaviour, and then just get on with it. What else is there to do? So it would appear to others like I was just ignoring it, or I wasn't ashamed or I didn't care, but that would be rubbish. His family can't change his behaviour any more than you can, so what else can they do? They are not enabling it unless they are giving him the money to pay for the drugs and prostitutes, they are just not abandoning him.

You don't know what his family have said to him in private. They should support their son/brother/whatever, but that doesn' mean they couldn't be supportive of you as well. How are they treating you?

pictish · 01/09/2011 16:17

Yabu.

Although I can understand how unfair you think it all is, they are his kin and no matter what, they will love and support him.

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