To complain about this health visitor.

[Freddiesfling]

Hi all- would really appreciate some sound advice.

I have 2 children the youngest being 6 months.

I also have a very close knit group of friends all with children roughly the same age whom I met when my oldest child was a baby/toddler. We regularly go down to our local clinic to get the babies weighed and if we have the odd minor concern we like to seek the health visitors advice (this isnt very often!!).

Today we went down as normal- I wanted to get my dd's birthmark checked as it was changing shape and we decided to get the babies weighed whilst we were there.

As soon as we got there one of the health visitors came up to one of my friends and said '' why do you feel the need to get your child weighed fortnightly- you can see by her that she is absolutely fine!
She then went on to say ''I think its sad that you use the clinic to socialise you should go home and use your own houses''.

My friend was too shocked to respond as was I and so we upped and left immediately ( I didnt even get my dds birthmark checked).

We are never at the clinic for longer than 15 minutes and as some of my friends babies arent gaining as much weight as they should so they go fortnightly to get their children weighed- one of these children has gone from the 98th to the 9th centile so my friend feels the need to get her weight closely checked.

We now feel we are unwelcome at the clinic, that our concerns dont matter and that we shouldnt try to be sociable to others whilst we are there. I for one treated the clinic as a lifeline when my son was first born as I have no family and friends here due to a recent move and was openly encouraged by the health visitors at the time to sit down with a cuppa and have a chat. They still provide a sitting area for parents with toys for the babies and children to use.

I also dont see why she had to insult us by calling us ''sad''

Shall I leave this matter or formally complain.

Thanks

I think that local services, especially HV clinics are quite poor at communicating what they are there for and how frequently a baby needs to be seen.

I was told by my post-natal MW that I should take DS every fortnight to be weighed. A cut-off point was never mentioned and going by the chart in my red book it seemed like I should be getting the graph filled in until he was one. itsnearlysummer instead of "biting her tongue for weeks* maybe the HV could have used her communication skills to nip it in the bud by calmly mentioning that their babies were healthy and they only needed to come in if they had a concern?

It is encouraged as a social group though its advertised as a place to meet other mums and it is set out as such. Toys are provided for the children and it has a space to sit and relax. We are never there for very long and some of us have genuine concerns occassionly. Its very relaxed and never busy. I dont think she should have been so rude and should have kept her insults to herself. I will stop going so regularly tho even to the older babies group as alot of you are right babies do not need to be weighed so often. I just felt upset thats all.

I think it's understable that you are upset (or perhaps feeling a bit'silly'?). I think the point is that it's probably meant to be an opportunity for new mothers to meet - and you aren't a new mother any more so need to move on to make way for the next batch. I don't think she meant to be rude - it sounds like she meant sad in the old fashioned way (ie actually there are nicer places to meet up) not the modern 'you're a loser' way.

I think YABU.

I suspect it's as qwepoi says, she was trying to give you a nudge to meet at eachother's houses and reassure your friend that her daughter does not need to be weighed fortnightly. I had a baby with severe weight issues (dropping off the centiles etc from a bw at 91st centile) and he was weighed monthly at most. Once he got back to second centile, I was told that I didn't need to come back unless I was concerned that he was losing and lo and behold, here he is at 22 months a strapping 75th centile, hale and hearty.

Look, it's not a toddler group. It's the NHS. The fact it's set up to be pleasant is to encourage vulnerable people and new clients to avail of the services, not to serve as a place for you and your friends to meet as an established social group. There are people suffering tremendously at this stage of their infant's life with PND and social and family issues, identified SN etc and they need to have space to meet with the HV. While I think nearly any HV would be happy to see mothers establishing new friendships, you are not going there to meet with other new mums, are you? You're going with good friends and chatting to them as good friends chat. I would imagine this can be very discouraging to lonely new mothers at risk for PND etc who won't realise that you have known eachother for so long.

Find somewhere else to socialise. You probably aren't welcome but complaining about it is really ungrateful - the service is much more strapped than it was when your older child was born and you used this service to make friends, yet now at the first hint of a nudge out the door you want to complain? This is being "sharp-elbowed", it is not an entitlement to have the NHS provide a social opportunity for you to meet with friends. Perhaps the HV had a momentary lapse of judgement, perhaps not, but seriously, let it go. I can understand why it may have shocked you but for God's sake, don't complain about this.

Also, go to the GP about the birthmark.

the HV has probably been seething for months. So far I've managed to restrain myself but there's always a chance that I'll end up upsetting someone by suggesting they go elsewhere for their regular outings. I point out the weighing guidelines in the red book but no one takes any notice. Its incredibly frustrating when people keep bringing obviously healthy babies and toddlers to clinic taking up our time so we have to rush through seeing those that really need help (premature babies, isolated first time mothers, babies on child protection register etc).

i really dont understand why women like that become hvs.

yes make a complaint, and remind her that most baby weigh ins encourage mothers there even for just a chat as encourages and promotes bonding and support between women. i believe they dont encourage home groups due to health and safety and food hygeine.

I would have thought that 6 months is a weird time for a cut off period as weaning issues often crop up at this time. The HV could be missing out on children that they could potential help before situations 'got out of hand'.
With my DS3 i had concerns - and they were growing concerns. HV told me that he would just be little and to 'get over it'. Never saw her again. Wished i had of complained then as i hear her words each time i'm at another hospital appt. as they are still investigating. He is now 4!

OP is there a Surestart Centre near you? You could arrange to meet your friends there? My local one has toddler groups running most mornings and there are usually HV's knocking about if you need a chat about anything. If not baby groups often run in places like church halls, community centres, leisure centres, libraries and usually only cost 50p - £1 often including tea and a biscuit. Either that or you could just meet for coffee while the babies are small (and make the most of it as a relaxed coffee and a chat will soon be a distant memory!). There's no need to stop meeting your friends.

knittedbreast - the hv wasn't trying to say that the OP should stop meeting her friends - just that there are more appropriate venues. You wouldn't have a social gathering in a GP reception area would you?

I would complain.

You go to the HV for advice and help, not judgement.

The thing I really dont use it to socialise I have a good group of friends and we get together most days even if its a trip to the park. I think the issue the hv saw was that we come in together in pairs/small groups as we sometimes meet there before we go into town, go to each others houses. Very often we weigh the children and leave only sitting down if one or two of the children need feeding. I agree that those of us with healthy babies dont need to go very often but one of my friends is showing signs of severe PND and I think she goes there for support- And why shouldnt she. Another of my friends daughters is loosing weight regularly and she needs the regular meeting for reassurrance. Why should they be treated like this. Just because we are second time mums doesnt mean that we dont need the support.

Your friend with signs of PND...is she seeing anyone at home? Does she get a health visitor? Has she spoken to her GP?
It's fine to use the clinics for their purpose but by the sound of it you have all slid into the habit of usig it as a meeting place...most people would use a cafe or a toddler group.

You can support your frend without arriving en masse at the clinic surely?

YABU - it doesn't sound like she was being rude as she did check with your friend whether there was a particular reason that she was concerned with regard to her child.
Clinics are there primarily for new mums or ones with concern over their babiy's health and you are neither. Given that resources are stretched you need to make space for others and only go if you have concerns

Is there a surestart place near you? It sounds like that's what you all need.

I'm sure the HV would have no problem with your friend who has pnd going to see her hv - maybe with a friend or family member for support. Or your friend whose child is struggling with weight gain. These are the very type of people who will have to wait while others get their babies weighed fortnightly for no reason. Surely you can see that there are better places for the rest of you to use as a meet up on the way into town for example?.
If you had only gone in when you needed to I very much doubt the hv would have had a problem - it will be all the times you've been using the place as a halfway house and getting the babies weighed just because you're there. The fact that you had a genuine reason to be there on the day the hv pulled you is a red herring really.

Honestly we go to playgroups- our oldest children are all at nursery- we are not using the clinic as a meeting place for chats or natters. The clinic is never full and as a group of 5 one or two of us do have the odd concern. I guess things have changed since my son was born and we were actively encouraged to go there regularly, this maybe because we were first time parents perhaps. We go to the older babies group so are not getting in the way of newborns. I do appreciate all the advice given though and will limit the visits to once a month or more. I do feel now though that my concerns dont matter even though I have probably spoken to the health visitor about a concern a total of 3 times with both my kids.

But you said that you use the place to meet up on the way into town and get your baby (who you have admitted you have no concerns about weight-wise) weighed. I can understand the HV being a bit peed off about this. As a pp said I'm sure they have admin work that needs doing whether the clinic is busy or not.

Oh and socialising and meeting mums - damn shoot them all down?? some of us only have that contact - and nothing else until hubby comes home. love your life - wish i had it - but hey doesnt work that way smart mouth.

But the OP hasn't been speaking to the hv about being anxious. She has been meeting friends there (which she can do elsewhere) and getting a baby who is gaining weight fine weighed.

'Retards' ?! WTF?

I am sorry but we all need help sometimes and as already been explained it not a social visit it just happens that there are a number of them going who happen to know each other. Everyone has the right to the service and nobody should be insulted!

flowerpot don't use disgusting words like that. People don't like it. And who are you to call someone "smartmouth" you sound like a wannabe American!