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AIBU?

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Original poster

A conservatory as a wedding present?

88 replies

OrganicFreeRangeBoys · 31/08/2011 18:47

I've been invited to a wedding, a lovely couple who have been together quite a few years.

They have had a rough time with housing in the last couple of years but have recently moved into a lovely little house, even if it is a bit small.

For the wedding gifts they have written that as they have lived together a while they don't need any household items but if people wish to get them a gift they would really appreciate a small donation to their "conservatory fund"

Now I don't have a problem with this, it will give them more room to work with around their small kitchen/diner and it's something that I assume they will get good use out for many years to come.

Another friend, also invited, is outraged at "the cheek of it" and is insisting that she will buy them a set of cutlery to show them that she doesn't approve of their conservatory fund.

I honestly don't see the problem and think this friend is being childish and quite mean to a couple she is supposed to "best buds" with.

So who is BU? The wedding couple for asking for donations, the friend for being outraged/buying cutlery or me for not seeing a problem with it and thinking that this friend is actually being horrible and rude.

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 31/08/2011 23:05

Wedding lists are just 'begging letters'.

usualsuspect · 31/08/2011 23:08

Its always John Lewis

I would have a pound shop list Grin

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 31/08/2011 23:13

Your friend doesn't sound like a very nice person.

Either way, enjoy the wedding, and make sure the couple do too.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 31/08/2011 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lachesis · 01/09/2011 15:09

'I got married 4 weeks ago and we asked for money towards our honeymoon we have a very low income and wanted to give our kids a holiday abroad instead of the last 4 holidays spent in our campervan in the not too brilliant English weather. None of our guests complained most said it was a good idea because they didn't have to worry about finding something we liked. Oh and we did put in our invites one of those "ghastly cutesy poems."'

You sound so classy! Not.

SouthernFriedTofu · 01/09/2011 15:15

lachesis how nasty.

Which bit isn't classy. being too poor to afford a naice holiday? Or asking her friends to help out on a once in a life time holiday for her and her family?

I think it is a lovely idea and I have always been happy to give to couple's honeymoons. They are going to get a gift why the fuck shouldn't it be somethign they want. God some people are tight

lachesis · 01/09/2011 15:19

'It's the BRIDE and GROOM's day.'

No one owns a day. What a ridiculous sense of entitlement!

And people, if you don't need presents, then say 'NO presents'. If people give you dirty looks, repeat ad nauseum until they get the hint.

Don't pretend you had to ask for money. Or at least have the bollocks to be honest, not 'You don't have to get us anything but if you want to then money.' What a crock! Just say 'No gifts' or have the front to ask for the money without the charade.

lachesis · 01/09/2011 15:21

I think having a big wedding after you have kids is tacky. I think asking for money is tacky. I think those poems are tacky.

Tacky, scummy and grabby.

Sirzy · 01/09/2011 15:33

Who else is a wedding about if not the two people getting married?Confused

lachesis · 01/09/2011 16:09

That would be true if the couple went to registry and got married on their own. The second they chose to involve others in it all, then it's about them, too.

The whole idea it's their 'day' all about them etc is the reason why some weddings have become such grabby affairs, more about showing off and money than anything else.

lachesis · 01/09/2011 16:10

'People are so grabby ,thank god none of my friends or family cared what anyone bought them

do people get married for the gifts these days?'

It would appear so. Or to have a party the guests pay for via handing over money. Or a vehicle to bag a free holiday, conservatory, furniture, the sky's the limit.

Original poster
OrganicFreeRangeBoys · 01/09/2011 16:15

My friends have worked their asses off for the last couple of years to get to where they are today. Their wedding sounds like it's goin to be a very simple and small affair but lovely all the same. Definitely not massive.

I can't begrudge them wanting to make their house a bit bigger to bring up their family in.

Granted, they should have just asked for the money outright but I still think cutlery friends attitude to the whole thing is appalling.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicFreeRangeBoys · 01/09/2011 16:18

Oh and they aren't having a honeymoon because they would rather use the money on something that is going to last/get more use out of than a week or 2 in the sun.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 01/09/2011 16:26

I think asking for money is a vulgar. a really distasteful thing to do. But, if you're going to do it, they are ways to make it not quite so crass. I think if they have asked politely and directly, with no expectation or pressure, and they have stated that it's for something specific, then it's not as bad as it could be.

I think donations to a conservatory fund would be something I would give money for, but only if they ask properly and don't hide behind some twee poem. If a couple ask for donations towards their honeymoon, I would be giving them cutlery too.

changeforthebetter · 01/09/2011 16:27

I got an invite recently - they asked for cash as they are older and forces likely to be moved within a couple of months of the wedding. I have no problem with it. I am busy and don't have to wade through some dreary wedding list site, Debenhams etc and register and login etc. Nor do I have to dream up some gift for them, knowing full well it will probably spend the next year in storage. Ooh and I can spend exactly fifteen quid what I want and not have to spend a certain sum to get something that doesn't look too cheap

HPonEverything · 01/09/2011 16:28

I'm far to disorganised to buy gifts (as well as being rubbish at it and hating going shopping), personally I think this is a fantastic idea and I wish I'd thought of it too. We said we didn't want gifts as we'd already lived together for 4 years, but some people still very kindly got us stuff and apart from the 'drinkable' gifts the rest of it has pretty much sat in cupboards tbh - what a waste :( We'd genuinely have been happy with nothing and I hate to think of people wandering around the shops desperately trying to think what they could buy us.

LyingWitch's idea is great - buy a window, a door-handle, a lock etc, then have a party in it further down the line.

lachesis · 01/09/2011 16:33

'But, if you're going to do it, they are ways to make it not quite so crass.'

No, it is always crass.

Just make it a ticketed event and charge admission.

worzelswife · 01/09/2011 16:34

I think it's a lovely idea. I'm sure the conservatory would get lots of use and much better than gifts which might get lost or broken. I would happily chip in as a wedding present if it was my friend.

I wouldn't want to pay for someone's honeymoon though, unless they had never been abroad and wanted to go somewhere special.

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 01/09/2011 16:37

"granted, they should have asked for the money outright"

I disagree, I think that stating that they are saving up for something specific is much nicer than "we want money" and I would be inclined to be more generous knowing that it was going towards something proper.

I do like the idea of splitting it up so people can buy a window or some putty!

bananamonkey · 01/09/2011 17:55

Sounds fine to me the way they have asked for it.

I am Hmm that anyone would buy their friends (people who presumably they like) a rubbish present out of spite.

I know lists divide people and personally I'd prefer they were only provided on request but some people do genuinely want to buy presents for other people they like. People live together/have kids before they get married these days so they don't need 10 toasters, that's just the way it is.

lachesis · 01/09/2011 18:01

'People live together/have kids before they get married these days so they don't need 10 toasters, that's just the way it is.'

Because guests are so stupid they don't realise that and can't be trusted to select an appropriate gift. Instead they need to be ordered to just hand over money and keep their poxy gift, it won't be something the couple wants, anyhow.Hmm

GwendolineMaryLacey · 01/09/2011 18:09

Jesus, some of you really are nasty and resentful aren't you? Hmm OP don't you realise that wanting a nice holiday or nice towels is one of the Worst Things You Can Do? Should be a hanging offence actually. God forbid that all these people that know and love you actually get you something you want. Far better that they take offence and buy you something you'll hate just to punish you for having the cheek to get married.

bananamonkey · 01/09/2011 18:13

Not at all, personally I like buying presents that I know people will really like.

But I don't see the issue with stating a preference if you are asked what you would like. It's not like it's a massive tacky list of diamonds and cars.

SouthernFriedTofu · 01/09/2011 18:18

Because guests are so stupid they don't realise that and can't be trusted to select an appropriate gift. Instead they need to be ordered to just hand over money and keep their poxy gift, it won't be something the couple wants, anyhow.

With out a list exactly how do you know you haven't bought something for the couple that they already have 10 of/ hate/ or don't have space for?

I agree with IHaveAFeatureWall about the wording, can I have some money would get my back up, but to put towards somethign important I would be very happy to do

Sirzy · 01/09/2011 18:31

I agree Gwendoline.

It would appear people can't do right for doing wrong. If they say they dont want anything they are lying and pushed to give suggestions, if they ask for money they are greedy if they have a present list they are being pushy.

I dont see what is wrong with people polity saying "We don't need anything material but if you would like give us some money towards x that would be greatly appreciated"

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