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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A conservatory as a wedding present?

88 replies

OrganicFreeRangeBoys · 31/08/2011 18:47

I've been invited to a wedding, a lovely couple who have been together quite a few years.

They have had a rough time with housing in the last couple of years but have recently moved into a lovely little house, even if it is a bit small.

For the wedding gifts they have written that as they have lived together a while they don't need any household items but if people wish to get them a gift they would really appreciate a small donation to their "conservatory fund"

Now I don't have a problem with this, it will give them more room to work with around their small kitchen/diner and it's something that I assume they will get good use out for many years to come.

Another friend, also invited, is outraged at "the cheek of it" and is insisting that she will buy them a set of cutlery to show them that she doesn't approve of their conservatory fund.

I honestly don't see the problem and think this friend is being childish and quite mean to a couple she is supposed to "best buds" with.

So who is BU? The wedding couple for asking for donations, the friend for being outraged/buying cutlery or me for not seeing a problem with it and thinking that this friend is actually being horrible and rude.

OP posts:

whackamole · 31/08/2011 20:16

I think it's a good idea.

I am getting married next year, I have been very emphatic to all 30 people invited that we are not expecting presents at all (at this point we will have been together for over 8 years and have 3 kids), but my sister and mum gave me such dirty looks when I said this and told me that a wedding means they actually want to give me a present and not that they feel they have to.

I have tentatively suggested they contribute to a holiday fund - we are giving ourselves 5 years after the wedding to save for a blow-out holiday to Disney.

But actually, B&Q vouchers sounds good too.

redexpat · 31/08/2011 21:02

I don't understand the anti-wedding-list brigade on MN. If someone ignored my wishes and bought cutlery, I would never speak to them again. It's the BRIDE and GROOM's day. A consevatory will last a lifetime, so actually a fairly appropriate present I would have thought!

PrincessJenga · 31/08/2011 21:15

I think it's a brilliant idea. I'm going to steal it (and maybe use LyingWitch's 'buy a brick' or 'buy a window frame' plan & promise a celebratory BBQ the following year). But when I say that guests really don't need to contribute or buy us presents and the most important thing to us is that they attend I really will mean it LetThereBeRock; your friends probably do too.

PercyPigPie · 31/08/2011 21:16

I don't normally like the idea of giving money at a wedding, but in their circumstances, I think it is great. Having a smaller house, the last thing they need is more stuff to put in it.

CurrySpice · 31/08/2011 21:17

I think it's great :o YANBU at all

PercyPigPie · 31/08/2011 21:17

PS: It's also a good investment - they will add value to their house and that differential will increase as prices go up (assuming they go up eventually!) which makes it an even nicer present.

crazyspaniel · 31/08/2011 21:22

If a wedding I'm invited for has a gift list or request for money I breathe a sigh of relief that the only thing I have to worry about is my outfit and travel arrangements. At the end of the day, guests will want to buy a present, and it's best that it's something that's wanted and/or needed. I think it's just stroppy and bad manners to go out of your way to prove a point by ignoring the couple's wishes.

IceCreamCastles · 31/08/2011 21:35

Sounds like a good idea to me.
Most people want to give a gift at weddings and it's far better that the couple get something that's useful.

The way it has been phrased doesn't sound in the least bit graspy or greedy so no problem there either.

The only awkward bit about asking for money is the fact that it is so obvious how much people have given which could be embarrassing for those who can't afford to give very much.

Although I guess that's the case with traditional wedding lists too.

We had a list and deliberately put a a wide range of gifts for various budgets. Can honestly say we were just as pleased with the salad spinner (£4.99) as we were with the Denby cookware (£100+ although it could have been purchased separately)

IceCreamCastles · 31/08/2011 21:37

Redexpat- I think not talking to someone because they gave you a gift is a bit excessive! Lists are useful but not compulsory

lollilou · 31/08/2011 21:38

I got married 4 weeks ago and we asked for money towards our honeymoon we have a very low income and wanted to give our kids a holiday abroad instead of the last 4 holidays spent in our campervan in the not too brilliant English weather. None of our guests complained most said it was a good idea because they didn't have to worry about finding something we liked. Oh and we did put in our invites one of those "ghastly cutesy poems."

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 31/08/2011 21:40

I wasn't offended by the request of shelling out cash towards the couple's honeymoon, it was just worded so smug in the invitation if I'm honest, that's what pissed me off. "Obviously we have everything we could ever want in our lovely flat but if you want to get us a present, we really want to go on a 3 week honeymoon to a 5 star resort in Sri Lanka, then onto a safari. This ofcourse costs money...." If you don't fancy contributing towards out once in a lifetime dream, the missus quite fancies some posh pots and pans, a decent knife block and some nice plates". There was other stuff on the list-that-wasn't-meant-to-be-a-list. But that is what the invite said, word for word, near enough. Hence my Bluergh! And them not getting a thing from us.- We were too skint to even attend anyway, let alone buy a present.

acatcalledfelix · 31/08/2011 21:45

Really what is the issue with wedding lists?! People want to buy wedding presents, so better to buy a gift someone wants than a random thing that gets stuffed in the cupboard. If a couple don't have much cash and really want to improve their home, then this make perfect sense. I like the idea of knowing what my cash gift is going towards.

We asked for vouchers and had an Oxfam list too. I didn't want to go round John Lewis picking out random stuff for the sake of it, but having the vouchers meant that we could get stuff that we did actually need. If we hadn't had a list, I know we would have either got loads of stuff we didn't want, and would have had lots of calls asking us where the list was!!

Smellslikecatpee · 31/08/2011 22:05

I would much prefer to buy the couple something they actually want/need than a cutlery set that will be sat in the loft etc.

Most of my friends have lived together before marrying so have all the stuff they need, after all traditionally the wedding presents were to help furnish your house, so I see help with a conservatory or whatever an extension of that. After all every time they sit there they will have a thought for all those who helped them.

Friends of mine were desperately saving for a new heating system/ bathroom (all connected), with their plan been to start their wedding fund after that was done. Sadly his Mum was diagnosed as been terminally ill, just as they reached their target so they thought sod it we can go with woollies/hot water bottles for another year or two, we?ll never be able to have Mum/MIL at our wedding again, so fund went on that.

Their wedding gift from all of us (friens & family) was financial and practical contributions towards a new heating system/bathroom. We even have a little plaque in their bathroom. really it's even blue!!

And the OP's friend has stated that they don?t expect to get a gift, but if you do want to do so. . they?ve even said small.

Another friend, also invited, is outraged at "the cheek of it" and is insisting that she will buy them a set of cutlery to show them that she doesn't approve of their conservatory fund
Yeap that?s going to show them????

But seriously would you really go to a wedding without a gift??

Smellslikecatpee · 31/08/2011 22:06

Ps my oldest sis got married 25-26 years ago and got 5 toasters. . .

SouthernFriedTofu · 31/08/2011 22:07

Buying things for the house (or in fact building a house) for a new couple seems actually very traditional. I'm surprised it caused any contraversy at all, and I think it's a lovely idea

SouthernFriedTofu · 31/08/2011 22:14

redexpat tell me you wouldn't really never speak to a friend again because they bought you the wrong present? Right?

biscuitmad · 31/08/2011 22:16

For me it would depend on what the friend getting married was like with money. If she spends money as soon as she earns and cannot save then I would buy vouchers. For my wedding we asked for money or lakeside vouchers to put towards a new kitchen. It paid for half of our kitchen which was nice. And we did end up with afew dodgy presents. I then had a bbq at ours after the kitchen was done so all our family and friends could see where the money had gone.

SouthernFriedTofu · 31/08/2011 22:21

Oh also, if anyone here has genuinely told their guests they don't want gifts (like Dh and I did when asked) you will get the face and then "seriously though" eventually we just said picture frames! We have loads now

one friend went "off list" brought 6 bottles of bubbly and load of cheap champane glasses was brilliant! We realised people want to give gifts to celebrate with you.

hairfullofsnakes · 31/08/2011 22:30

You are lovely op

Your friend is nasty and spiteful

I hope the couple get what they need to build their conservatory and what a shame they have such a nasty friend in her

HipHopOpotomus · 31/08/2011 22:37

I think it's a great idea - others won't though! Life innit?

usualsuspect · 31/08/2011 22:47

Is it wedding list week on MN?

People are so grabby ,thank god none of my friends or family cared what anyone bought them

do people get married for the gifts these days?

troisgarcons · 31/08/2011 22:55

Wedding lists are a bit blurgh. When presented with one with the invitation, I buy smoke alarms and a fire blanket

If I ask and am told what would be appreciated, I generally buy that or contribute to it. We (as in friends) pooled together to buy a wanted wall unit (as was vogue in the 80's) for a couple.

troisgarcons · 31/08/2011 22:56

PS - I got 26 casserole dishes

hairfullofsnakes · 31/08/2011 22:59

Why are people so spiteful about wedding lists? At least that way the couple ends up with things they need! People who deliberately buy off the list are just nasty.

usualsuspect · 31/08/2011 23:04

people who say things like I would never speak to them again because they bought me the wrong present are nasty

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