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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at SAHM telling me I am selfish

84 replies

bickie · 31/08/2011 00:59

When explaining to a SAHM who had uttered the immortal 'I don't know how you do it' - i.e. juggle work and children - and I said - it's not that hard - I just have given up doing anything for myself for a few years as I am either working or at home looking after children - she said - what do you mean - your work is for your self. Does she mean I am selfish - or am I being tired and unreasonable?

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 31/08/2011 20:01

Bickie
When I went back to work after ds1 a female collegue gave me an article about how nurseries damage children and told me that I was very brave coming back 'when everyone thought that I hated my baby'.

Then when I stopped work to be at home I was asked how I could stand doing nothing all day.

I realised their comments were all about them.
I was happy working, happy at home. They clearly were not

That stuff is on here a lot

Original poster

bickie · 31/08/2011 20:21

Pagwatch I was told by my SIL that my baby would think I was dead every time I left her for more than 8 hours and would mourn me. when I asked how this had been ' proven' i.e - how did the babies let these researchers know such a terrible thing was happening everyday. She said - it's just a known fact. 4 years later she took my DD to the zoo and thought it was appalling that when the zoo keeper said to the children 'Here's the Daddy Monkey where do you think the mummy monkey is?' - DD said 'the mummy monkey's at work' . Now my children are 10, 8 and 3 she keeps saying how 'amazing' it is that they are so polite and considerate. Must be all that early mourning...

OP posts:

Bandwithering · 31/08/2011 20:22

i envy people who earn enough to make it worth while working.

but seriously op, i know how you feel cos i am sick of people saying 'what do you do all day'. actually people don't say that to my face, i see comments on fb mostly.

ssd · 31/08/2011 22:36

you know, we must stop all this nit picking about staying at home or working outside it, because we're f**d what ever we do

if nothing else, mumsnet has opened my eyes to the fact that you just have to do what suits you and your family because thats ALL that matters

Bandwithering · 04/09/2011 12:05

I agree. I don't judge other people. I always assume they've done what works out best for them and their family. It amazes me the snippy comments i see on facebook.

Helltotheno · 04/09/2011 12:24

But I constantly feel judged that the thing that didn't break my heart was not being the sole carer for our children.

That's your issue though bickie, not anyone else's. You've already said you do your job because you worked hard at college for it and love it and can't walk away from it. So just take responsibility for that decision and have confidence in it.

I hope I'm not alone in not giving a flying fcuk about what others think re the arrangements I make for my family, and in not giving a flying fcuk what others do for theirs either?!

Now that's the type of attitude you need to work on bickie :)

Bandwithering · 04/09/2011 12:38

yeah, have been seeing a shrink and you have to kind of take ownership for your own choices and not need everybody's approval. I'm trying hard not to justify every decision i make all the time. if somebody questions your decisions you should be able to just shrug really. it's not necessarily that easy though.

ChippingIn · 04/09/2011 12:38

Bickie - why do you feel the need to attack SAHM's? The Earth mother look is so 2009. There's just no need for it. It's comments like that, that keep the WOHM v SAHM arguements going.

As for your friend - she's right isn't she. You don't need to work - you want to, it is your time. You have the luxury of choice - not everyone does on either side.

Bandwithering · 04/09/2011 12:40

Yeah. what a lot of judgmental people don't think through properly is that it's not the same choice, the exact SAME choice that their friends are making.

Everytime, it's a different choice because the cost of childcare would vary slightly, the number or children to be cared for, the ages of the children, the support from grandparents, the amount the mother earns, the amount the father earns, how well they work together as a team, how happy they are with each others choices.

That's why I never look at other families and scratch my head and wonder why they do what they do. It's just so different every time, so many variables!!

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