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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at SAHM telling me I am selfish

84 replies

bickie · 31/08/2011 00:59

When explaining to a SAHM who had uttered the immortal 'I don't know how you do it' - i.e. juggle work and children - and I said - it's not that hard - I just have given up doing anything for myself for a few years as I am either working or at home looking after children - she said - what do you mean - your work is for your self. Does she mean I am selfish - or am I being tired and unreasonable?

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 31/08/2011 09:07

I think you are being unreasonable on many many levels.
Not least your thread title which is either chippy and a bit stupid or a deliberate attempt to wind people up.
But also for uttering the immortal 'i have given up doing anything for myself' which is butt clenchingly awful. More so as you were so very particular about what she had said to you

OriginalPoster · 31/08/2011 09:09

Why can't we all just decide for ourselves what to so with our own lives, and stop getting caught up with who might think what about anybody else's decisions? if you're confident that you're doing your best in your situation that's all that matters.

We are all just women trying to bring up children, SAHM/WOHM are not different species who have to fight to the death. I have been both, for different reasons at different points in my life, and would not judge anyone else.

They may have lots of reasons for choosing to work or stay at home which are not all obvious to other people.

donthateme · 31/08/2011 09:14

I agree with magicmummy and littlegreenalien

If anything, it makes more sense to say SAHM are doing it because they want to, in the sense that having children is a choice, whereas paying the mortgage and bills isn't. And yes I do know some mums don't have a choice about being sahm because their earning power is not enough to cover childcare. But many do have a choice, in fact I think every sahm I know wants to be at home and not working, so you could say its about them, not just some selfless act for the kids.

I don't think your friend meant a big deal out of it though. I expect it was a throwaway comment because she maybe feels a bit trapped at home, or maybe sees how expertly you juggle home and work and feels a bit in awe.

Pagwatch · 31/08/2011 09:17

I totally agree with Originslposter.

Pagwatch · 31/08/2011 09:17

Although I cannot apparently spell her name.

OriginalPoster · 31/08/2011 09:24

No problem pawgatch

MigratingCoconuts · 31/08/2011 09:39

ssd...you are right there.

What the woman said is completely unimportant but how op has reacted to it is worthy of discussion. She seems to have hit a nerve and op has put meaning to her words that I just don't see there.

I full time work, my husband stays home. It works for us and I feel no guilt/worry/stress/jeaousy. I think Op needs to consider what she is feeling about her own working life that this meaningless comment has become so important.

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 31/08/2011 09:52

Don't be annoyed. Just tell her that she is a lazy freeloader Grin

scottishmummy · 31/08/2011 10:06

of course work is for yourself.im not defined solely by being mum
and yes i like being able to have intellectual adult conversations,use my brain and not have to fake interest in someone kids weaning or housewifey fluff and fold dramas

sahm ht the nail on head work is for you,its demonstrably what you do and get paid for.its away from the family.yes yours all yours and it supports your family

wordfactory · 31/08/2011 11:13

Thing is I do work for myself, in as much as I have no financial need to whatsoever.

I do it because I love doing it.
I do it because I love to make a success of things.
I do it because the joy it brings others makes me feel proud.
I do it because I love to earn money.
I do it because I want my DC to see me working.

If these things are selfish then so be it.

ll31 · 31/08/2011 11:46

think you're being oversensitive - she prob meant or I would mean I suppose - that work however much you don't want to be there means you have maybe coffee break to yourself, peaceful journey there and back etc!!!!

meravigliosa · 31/08/2011 12:07

I think OP is right. What is really obnoxious about this is that no-one ever asks my male colleagues how they cope/juggle etc with small children. When someone asks me a question like this, I now routinely ask them in reply whether they have ever asked a father a similar question.

scottishmummy · 31/08/2011 13:11

really?my dp gets asked how we work out the drop offs,collections,and all associated tasks. we share it and have specific allocations of who does what

meravigliosa · 31/08/2011 15:57

scottishmummy glad to hear it. From the sheepish silence I tend to get to my stock reply, I infer that not too many of those who're asking me have ever thought to ask a man the same question.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 31/08/2011 16:00

I agree with Maryz.

Ormirian · 31/08/2011 16:00

"what do you mean - your work is for your self"

Woman is a twat. Ignore her.

scottishmummy · 31/08/2011 16:06

its a fair comment.work is for yourself.relish that independence
and dont over analyse what did she mean

qwepoi · 31/08/2011 17:14

merag - I don't think the sheepish silence to your reply is actually due to the person suddenly realising how wrong they were to ask the question Hmm.

If was making small talk to someone new I might well say 'I don't know how you do it' because I genuinely admire / quite envious of people who do. If you replied with a snotty ' have you ever asked a man that' my silence would be due to me finding your response pretty weird.

Cereal · 31/08/2011 17:29

"it's not that hard - I just have given up doing anything for myself for a few years"

Sorry but that would annoy me. It sounds like a superior, martyr's attitude.

Sounds like she was being friendly and complimenting you on fitting in a lot into your life. Then you make her feel bad with your comment above.

"It's not that hard" could be taken as "you must be lazy/incompetent if you can't match this standard".

"I just have given up doing anything for myself" could be taken as "well of course as a working mum I don't get my own time, whereas YOU as a SAHM do".

So I'm afraid I think YABU.

meravigliosa · 31/08/2011 18:40

qwepoi possibly. My DH thinks I take this too far sometimes also. I shouldn't have described it as a stock response, because if I am honest I wouldn't always say it, and was feeling bolshy when posted.

I don't mind someone asking when they are actually in the same boat (roughly) as me, and it is a genuine inquiry/comparison of arrangements from someone sympathetic and who is dealing with the same sort of stuff. But when the tone of the conversation has been about how the other party has chosen to stay home for the sake of the children (with the implication that s/he really can't understand how I could be so heartless, rather than is amazed at my ability to multitask/endure sleep deprivation/whatever), I feel entitled to be a bit snippy. I once had a colleague's wife tell me that "you never get those precious years back" when she knew I was working. It made me feel like shit, largely because I'd have loved to spend more time with babies if I could have afforded to.

I do think more generally that people should think about whether there are things that they will say to women, but not to men, and I have yet to hear a male colleague be told admiringly or otherwise that someone "doesn't know how he does it" in relation to having children and holding down a job.

TheRealTillyMinto · 31/08/2011 18:50

YANBU - I don?t think you can win in this type of conversation. women seem get masses of scrutiny so you are both either actually being scrutinised by the other, or thinking that/wondering if, it is happening.

Men don?t seem to get this scrutiny.

Whether she was being critical, or not, I think you should assume she wasn't, as a way of ignoring her and the entire debate. i think it is a distructive topic for women as a group and the best reply i can come up with to 'I don't know how you do it' is 'it is the right solution for me, DH, DCs so it works for us' (but that took about 5 mins to come up with so there might have been a bit of a pause in conversation!)

SauvignonBlanche · 31/08/2011 18:57

She wouldn't have said it to your DH.

Original poster
bickie · 31/08/2011 19:17

Back now! Discussed the comments on here with some of the women at work - and I agree - I am probably over sensitive to the comment as I hear 'I don't know how you can be so heartless' when someone who could compete with Mother Earth looks at me with wide eyed wonder shaking her head saying 'I don't know how you do it'. Probably stupid of me. But how sad that I feel guilty for doing a job I absolutely love. I worked hard at University for it, worked hard for 20 years to get the position I did. It would have broken my heart to walk away from it. But I constantly feel judged that the thing that didn't break my heart was not being the sole carer for our children.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 31/08/2011 19:32

Ok. But I have been a sahm and have been a wohm. It is always possible to paint each other as vile.
I have been treated badly by both groups. It is just about picking your prejudice.

Mostly people take offense because they feel defensive. If it helps at all i don't give a shit how others organise their families. I don't think most other people do either unless they think there is a competition about who is most worthy/hard working/devoted/ independent/ caring/blah/blah/blah

Original poster
bickie · 31/08/2011 19:54

Pagwatch. You know what? It does help. My DH always says the same - for a confident woman i seem very sensitive on the work thing. I need to get over it. It's right for me. Right for my DH and right for my DC. The Earth mother look is so 2009.

OP posts: