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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at SAHM telling me I am selfish

84 replies

bickie · 31/08/2011 00:59

When explaining to a SAHM who had uttered the immortal 'I don't know how you do it' - i.e. juggle work and children - and I said - it's not that hard - I just have given up doing anything for myself for a few years as I am either working or at home looking after children - she said - what do you mean - your work is for your self. Does she mean I am selfish - or am I being tired and unreasonable?

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 31/08/2011 08:09

I would have replied saying work was for the whole family as bills etc still need paying and its unfair to shoulder that responsibility on one person when two can be doing it.

bumbleymummy · 31/08/2011 08:10

Actually, what you said to her could be interpreted as suggesting that she is being selfish or doesn't sacrifice things because she's a SAHM so I think you're being a bit oversensitive.

DraculasMum · 31/08/2011 08:27

Iteotwawki

I'd be pissed off if someone told me I was being selfish in working full time to support my family instead of living off the state

Not all SAHMs live off the state, I certainly don't, that is a harsh assumption right there and your placing all SAHMS in the same bracket. Unfairly.

op so she didn't actually say that you are selfish? I think your over thinking it, maybe you feel a slight guilt of not being a sahm and this came out when talking about your different situations?

not all people can do it, I'm at home because I am re-training to living on a tiny budget whilst things process.

DraculasMum · 31/08/2011 08:27

Iteotwawki

I'd be pissed off if someone told me I was being selfish in working full time to support my family instead of living off the state

Not all SAHMs live off the state, I certainly don't, that is a harsh assumption right there and your placing all SAHMS in the same bracket. Unfairly.

op so she didn't actually say that you are selfish? I think your over thinking it, maybe you feel a slight guilt of not being a sahm and this came out when talking about your different situations?

not all people can do it, I'm at home because I am re-training to living on a tiny budget whilst things process.

mrsravelstein · 31/08/2011 08:36

i don't think she meant you were being selfish. when i was working, i was definitely doing it for me... i'm now a SAHM and i miss work quite often, but for our family it is working better this way.

Original poster
bickie · 31/08/2011 08:40

Have slept now - so not feeling so annoyed by the comment. In answer to questions - I don't 'need' to work in that my children wouldn't starve - but I do need to work because I studied for a long time to now do a job I love. Perhaps the fact I love my job makes it seem 'for myself' rather than - 'providing for my family' which I am sure is how my husband's job is viewed. Can you imagine a man meeting up with a friend saying he is tired from having young family and working hard and being consoled that 'your work is for yourself???

OP posts:
Mishy1234 · 31/08/2011 08:40

I would be annoyed at that comment, but it's very likely she did not mean it as it came across. I've had some astounding 'foot in the mouth' moments myself where I've said something which has come out completely the wrong way. This could well be the case with your friend.

Not worth getting upset about imo. YOU know why you work. Even if she does think you are being selfish, does it really matter in the end?

magicmummy1 · 31/08/2011 08:42

If she knows that you love your job, maybe she just meant that you are doing something that you always wanted to do.

TrillianAstra · 31/08/2011 08:47

I just have given up doing anything for myself for a few years

AIBU to think that this WOHM I know is being a silly martyr? I said to her " don't know how you do it" meaning it as a compliment and she suggested that I am lazy and selfish in wanting the occasional minute to myself. It's ridiculous anyway because I know she doesn't need to work, she does the job because she loves it, so really doing the job is doing something for herself, she could be a SAHM and take time for herself if she preferred.

Iteotwawki · 31/08/2011 08:47

DraculasMum you misunderstood me. Not meaning to imply that all SAHM are on benefits - but that if I were to be a SAHM then I would have to be as I am the sole wage earner in our family. Our decision to have it that way round so not grumbling. Would still be very pissed off if someone said I was selfish for working full time to support my family!

ssd · 31/08/2011 08:49

someone posted this earlier

"I don't meet many people who fantasize about being at work?"

HA!

SAHM's fantasize about being at work when the kids are moaning, CBeebies is on a loop and the house is a bombsite

the grass is always greener, its as simple as that

halcyondays · 31/08/2011 08:51

Saying "Your work is for yourself" does not equal "you're selfish." it would be a silly thing to say if you have a job you don't enjoy and just need the money but if you have a fulfilling career and/or don't really need to work for the money, then it would make more sense.

Original poster
bickie · 31/08/2011 08:52

I wasn't suggesting the SAHM was lazy and selfish - I was just commenting that things I used to do - book club, play social tennis, go to gym are things I am ok to put on back burner for now as if I'm not at work, I'm at home and vice versa.

OP posts:
Mishy1234 · 31/08/2011 08:53

I agree ssd! There's no perfect scenario. Both camps have it pretty tough imo and I can understand the pressures of both (having done both).

I have also heard it said that SAHM's are being selfish as they are depriving their family of extra income which could provide more opportunities, school fees, uni fees in the future. I don't agree with that personally, but it is the opinion of some.

belgo · 31/08/2011 08:55

TrillianAstra good post, and the OP
s response to it is just showing how easily a comment can get misinterpreted, especially when you are sleep deprived and stressed out.

ssd · 31/08/2011 08:56

ah opinions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

where we would all be without those Grin

halcyondays · 31/08/2011 08:56

Do you work evenings, OP?

Original poster
bickie · 31/08/2011 08:59

Ironically - I do have to go to work now so have to leave it to others to debate - but 'she suggested that I am lazy and selfish in wanting the occasional minute to myself.' Is not difficult to interpret...

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 31/08/2011 09:00

I really don't understand why it is at all important what she meant? why do you care? Everyone has different choices and if yours work for you then that's the end of the discussion.

It sounds like an inane chat comment she made without really thinking about it at all...certainly not worthy of dissection.

Original poster
bickie · 31/08/2011 09:01

Sorry halcyon days - no I work during the day - home at 6 two nights a week - one day off and work later other 2 nights when DH gets home for 6.

OP posts:
Original poster
bickie · 31/08/2011 09:04

Migrating Coconuts - you are so right. Which is what I thought. But it kept bugging me so thought I'd post here for a good splash of reality check! Must go now or will be sacked and will have all the time in the world!!!!

OP posts:
ssd · 31/08/2011 09:04

I don't agree coconuts, I think it is worthy of dissection if it has upset the op

I don't think the person who made this comment was being nasty, but maybe she was having a dig, who knows

op you sound like you are doing great, if a bit knackered, you will come across snippy mums people right thru your kids childhoods, if its not the working thing its sleeping issues/food issues/what clubs you send them too/how late you let them out jesus it goes on and on

just practise your fixed grin and walk on by

DougalDaydream · 31/08/2011 09:06

Ahhh......it's the good old greener grass syndrome isn't it.

When I have been a SAHM I have wistfully looked at WOHM's in their smart clean clothes and with their manicured nails. You imagine these women going to meetings and talking to ADULTS and getting paid good money and it does seem like an exciting glamorous prospect - much better than the drudgery of being stuck at home changing nappies.

But then I have been a WOHM wistfully looking at the SAHM's who are off to the gym, or going home for coffee and to bake cupcakes. And maybe a trip to the park in the afternoon with the DC's. And then that seems like a much more exciting prospect than meeting deadlines and commuting.

In reality, both worlds are bloody hard work - but the other always looks better from wherever you are! You just don't always see all of the hardwork behind the scenes. I'm sure your friend didn't mean to upset you OP Smile

qwepoi · 31/08/2011 09:07

well said Trillian! If someone told me being a wohm wasn't that hard and they'd just' given up doing anything for themselves for a few years' I'd definately be a bit Hmm especially if I knew they didn't need to work and loved their job. If I was feeling sensitive I might interprate as being quite dismissive of my SAHM status.

So - OP you are being tired and U and also were a bit of martyr in your answer. You do know you are quite lucky to have this choice - I wanted to go back to work PT but work were unhelpful and childcare costs / arrangements didn't make it a sensible option.

BeStillMyBeatingFart · 31/08/2011 09:07

I need to work. If I didn't then bills wouldn't be paid. Simple.

I've had stay at home mums tell me that 'it's best for their children to be at home'.

I don't doubt it, but is still hard to hear.

Doesn't sound like she meant that you're selfish, and if you're doing a job that you love and don't really need to work then your work kind of is for you. She just means that you choose to do it, rather than it being a necessity.