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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or PFB with DM?

82 replies

travispickles · 30/08/2011 09:06

I have, after much delibrating, decided to let DM look after my 7mo DD for a few hours on a Friday while I am back at work. This is after she has begged to have her Friday afternoons (she is at nursery in the morning and I originally wanted her to stay all day). My reservations are due to a number of reasons - namely that she was a pretty crap mother, very narc and she has a tendency to be very mad whirlwind like, but not in a good way iykwim.
Anyway, I went round to hers the other day and pointed out that she must get rid of all the little ornaments on the floor, as DD can crawl now. She said "yeah yeah, I will do that". I then told her that she cannot leave the baby on the floor unsupervised. She thought I meant about the dogs, so she said "I have a door gate". I then pointed out that if she leaves the room at all she has to strap her into her buggy, as she has no elecric point covers etc. I never leave her unsupervised, but we have a travel cot that we use as a playpen. I suggested that she get one (that I will pay for) and she refused, saying she wouldn't leave her. When asked what she will do if she needs the loo, she said "But I won't go to the loo". As I mentioned, my DM cannot sit still and likes to do 3 or 4 things at a time so I find it hard to imagine her not leaving the room at all in 3 hours!
Then she showed me the buggy and car seat she had been given. I need to mention now that DM is very parsimonious and loves to have a freeby. I was OK with the buggy - it is only for a few hours a week so I can see why she wouldn't want to spend much, but the car seat was in a terrible state. I said that I wasn't happy with the car seat for a number of reasons - but namely the safety issue. Not to mention that it is a forward facing and is for babies of 9kg+. Having listened to me explain that I wasn't happy about it, she agreed but then took the car to Halfords and got it fitted in her car. The following day she came round and I admit I was really pissed off about it. I think my (over)reaction was down to a couple of things - being very tired, but also that I have a number of issues from childhood and I am really unsure about her ability to look after my baby the way I want her to.
I suppose this is my question - how much can I demand that she does things my way?
Just to add, I then went round again the following day to clear the air, and in the time I was there she was holding the baby and the baby grabbed a piece of paper and had a mouthful before I realised. She then walked down the garden holding her whilst carrying a hot cup of tea. I pointed out that I don't walk around holding the baby and hot drinks, and what would she do if she tripped. She laughed and said "I'd throw the drink away". AIBU? Is that OK? Am I being very PFB? (she then asked when she can start giving the baby tea. I mean WTF? Was that normal in the 70s? Is it still happening now??!)
Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:

Red2011 · 30/08/2011 11:09

I think if you have this many reservations you'd be better to put your little un in nursery.

I do leave my DD (also 7 months) unsupervised in her bouncer whilst I go to the loo - unless I know it's going to be a 'big job' (pardon the pun) in which case I drag the bouncer to the landing outside the bathroom and leave the door open.
DD is just getting the hang of crawling so tends to drag herself round the floor...and puts everything in her mouth. As we have 2 cats, she often has a cat hair or two in there. I just take them out again.
She tries to eat paper as well - again I just take it out of her mouth.

Oh and I've carried her from room to room whilst holding a cup of tea. I just make sure that she is one side of me and the drink is as far away as possible. If I have to open a door then I just hold the cup below her. That way if she grabs, it'll spill. On me, admittedly, but not on her.

If you do want your Mum to look after her, I think it would have to be at your house?

bonkers20 · 30/08/2011 11:14

You know, even the most dutiful person would probably struggle with a 7 month old if they're not used to having that age children in their house.

It sounds like because of the relationship you have with your mother you're not really sure what's "normal".

There are SO many things to consider. Could your Mother mind the baby in your own home? I've often suggested that, because you know exactly what's what.

My opinion on things you've said.
The car seat: you're right - she should not be FF until at least 12 months old.
The tea: you're being a bit PFB.
The paper: you're being a bit PFB.

Your mother should do as you ask, even if she thinks you're being PFB - it's your baby and she should respect that you feel antsy about some things, however irrational.

In your position, I'd leave the baby in nursery.

scrambedeggs · 30/08/2011 11:16

blimey how on earth did we survive back in the dark ages without socket covers! it truly is a miracle

blackeyedsusan · 30/08/2011 11:18

if you are concerned about safety then do not let her have baby unsupervised.

second hand carseat with no history is a not on, especially as it is the wrong sort. small babies go in rear facing car seats for a reason.

yanbu about carrying hot dinks either. small children grab very quickly, and not a lot of drink would cover a high percentage of body area and would be dangerous. why risk it ?

she does not seem to be able to see danger, so no, I would not leave baby with your mum.

I think current advice is not to give children tea.

SDTGisAnEvilGenius · 30/08/2011 11:35

Just a thought - could you let her babysit the baby in your house, travispickles? At least then you'd know that the house was baby-proofed to your standards, and that your buggy and car seat were available if your dm needed them. It wouldn't negate all of your worries (the hot drinks one is the obvious one that would remain), but at least you'd know that your dd was somewhere babyproof if your mum did nip to the loo.

FWIW, I do think some of your concerns are a bit OTT - I did use socket covers when the dses were little, and a stairgate, but I did sometimes leave them alone in the diningroom/kitchen (all babyproofed) whilst I nipped to the loo, and nothing terrible ever happened to them (though ds1 did try to get out into the garden via the cat flap, and got stuck halfway - I think only his dignity was hurt). I also had hot drinks around the boys, but was careful with them, and again, nothing bad ever happened.

But it is very clear that you would worry about these things if your mum was looking after your dd on her own, and these worries would really stress and distress you, so I don't think you are being unreasonable for not letting your mum look after your dd alone at her home. Yes, she did raise you without any major accidents befalling you, but that was a number of years ago, and as I am well aware, it is easy to forget what it is like to have a baby or small child in the house - how fast they can move, how easily they can tug on something or pull something over when trying to pull themselves to standing, how quickly they can put something suitable in their mouths the moment you turn your back. My house is perfectly safe for the children as they are now (14, 16 and 18) - but I would have to do a lot to make it baby proof.

And I definitely do NOT think you are being OTT about the car seat - as someone else has said, Halfords didn't know what age baby it was for, so the fact that they fitted it doesn't guarantee its safety.

ginnycameback · 30/08/2011 11:47

You are being a bit PFB, but it is your child at the end of the day and it is understandable why.
You survived your childhood without being burnt / electrocuted / choked to death didn't you? Your Mum obviously loves your dd and wouldn't put her in danger, she may be a bit blase with you around but I bet when she is on her own with her she would watch her like a hawk.
As for her being a bad mother emotionally - well a few hours a week with her isn't going to emotionally damage your child, and in fact the worst parents sometimes make brilliant grandparents (my Dad was a crap father but adored my dc and used to try and make up for the mistakes he made with me through them)
BUT as I said it is up to you and if it will worry you while you are at work it may be best to put her in the nursery for peace of mind.

DougalDaydream · 30/08/2011 11:49

I think YAB a bit U.

Your DM is trying to help out and do her best. If her best isn't good enough I think you should leave your DD in nursery. That doesn't mean your DM can't ever look after her - she could look after her on odd occassions when you want to get your hair cut, or go to the dentist/shopping etc. Just don't make it a regular arrangement. You are obviously not happy with the set up (I'd feel the same about the car seat) so stick to nursery and protect your relationship with your mum

diddl · 30/08/2011 12:01

How is OPs mother helping when OP is quite happy for her baby to stay at nursery for the afternoon?

It sounds to me as if this is more about what GM wants, but might not be prepared to put the effort in tbh.

My husband survived his childhood years (physically) unscathed, so I was very surprised when MIL gave my PFB a sharp knife to play with "because he wanted it".

He must have been about a year.

DougalDaydream · 30/08/2011 12:03

I think OP's mother probably thinks she is helping out and doing a good thing. It obviously isn't helpful at all which is why I suggested the OP continue with her nursery arrangements.

ragged · 30/08/2011 12:08

OP: just tell your mum that baby will settle much better in nursery if she just stays at nursery for that whole day. Do try to let your DM have her on some other occasions, esp. if it can be at your home. Done.

maighdlin · 30/08/2011 12:17

im reading it as PFB apart from the car seat.

BrandyAlexander · 30/08/2011 12:19

I think you're doing the right thing keeping her in nursery, given you don't trust your mum and it would cause you more stress than help you. You do realise you can't tell nursery exactly how to look after you child don't you?!

dippywhentired · 30/08/2011 12:29

You are being a bit PFB, but I also think you have issues with your mother that mean you would be constantly stressed about her ability to do things your way. I didn't child-proof the house with either of mine and as for never leaving the room - WTF? By the way, small children shouldn't be drinking tea as it affects the absorption of iron I believe (so our GP said). Not PFB about car seat though

Original poster

travispickles · 30/08/2011 13:11

But Novice - nurseries are definitely baby-proofed and they spend all day every day focussing on babies. I would assume that nursery workers don't walk around with a hot drink in one hand and the baby in the other. As the point was made earlier, if you don't have a baby around you have to really think about what you are doing as normal life isn't always compatible with looking after babies.

OP posts:

oldraver · 30/08/2011 13:17

You are being OTT about certain things (putting in the pushchair thing is bonkers frankly) and it clouds other issues that are important ie the car seat.

I think you will worry no matter what so put her in nursery. FWIW I will not allow anyone to look after my child that chooses to ignore my instructions on car seats.

BrandyAlexander · 30/08/2011 14:38

Travis, I agree with you. In contrast to others on the thread, I personally don't think you're being PFB-ish at all and I wouldn't be happy with most of it. That's why my advice is to use the nursery, as life is too short to stress out like this. My comment on nursery is simply that if you are very used to having things in a certain way, you will not be able to be prescriptive.

SouthernFriedTofu · 30/08/2011 15:39

You said she was a shit mother. WHy let her stay home with your baby??

Merrin · 30/08/2011 16:12

I would tell her the nursery are insisting on afull day or you will loose the place.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 30/08/2011 16:15

I would keep her in nursery. It was what you wanted in the first place. Safety first. The car seat would be a deal breaker for pretty much anybody I think.

Kayano · 30/08/2011 16:23

Pfb. Really? A baby put a bit of paper in it's mouth. Really?!?!

I don't know but I sort of get the feeling your mother will be able to do nothing right and the arrangement will be short-lived on your part

StrikeUpTheBand · 30/08/2011 20:34

I think some people are being a bit unfair and missing the point that

OP's DM has nagged her for this - she didn't actually want this arrangement. She is not doing a favour!

2)Putting your child in pushchair/a travel cot every time you leave the room is not PFB if the room is in any way unsafe - it is sensible! OP mentioned the ornaments were tiny...not safe to leaave within reach.

The carseat issue would be enough to be a problem on its own. Not even the fact that it's old and dirty...just the fact that it's the wrong bloody carseat people! It's for a baby weighing at least 9kg AND being at least one.
There are many many people scald their children quite badly from letting them reach hot drinks. My nephew was badly scalded pulling one onto himself. It happens. You sometimes are a bit relaxed with your own kids but the mother is watching you and you are due to be watching them soon - you'd think granny would make an effort to reassure by not being so lax?!

That is all.

PS. I had DS in nursery from 10 months (3 full days a week) and he was absolutely fine - and yes, you can ask for things to be safe, H and S proceedures to be adhered to, etc...and they will do it because you are paying the nursery fees.

Antidote · 30/08/2011 21:04

Poor you, sounds stressful!

The bottom line is, if you aren't happy that your dm will be as vigilant as you would be then you won't be able to relax about it.

Despite many warnings about the speed ds can crawl and how strong he is, my parents insisted their house was baby proof. Cue a heart stopping moment as he careered across the kitchen only to pull himself up using the flex of the iron and yank a bottle of martini onto the stone floor. Luckily my dm was so scared she has barely let him go since!

A comprise position of letting her pick him up an hour early from nursery and take him to yours for a play might work?

MightyQuim · 30/08/2011 22:17

Am I reading it right that she is putting your dd in a carseat that she is too small for? On that you are not being pfb but it's surely easily resolved by you buying a new carseat for her age/weight.

You are being pfb about the rest imo. Especially the socket covers. There are shutters built in modern uk sockets that cover the live bits. Putting socket covers in opens these shutters so that things can be poked through. Either that or they can be turned upside down and the top pin can be pushed in opening the shutters on the lower 2 holes. It would be quite difficult for a child to find something the right size to open the shutters but if you put socket covers in you are providing them with something the exact right size.

thecaptaincrocfamily · 30/08/2011 22:25

I think the tea thing is a little PFB tbh as I did sometimes have tea in one hand and baby in the other. Car seat should be rear facing for as long as possible really, especially with smaller babies. You are right that she needs socket covers and to put ornaments high up if baby is to be left on her own, and also no unsupervised contact with the dog. I think with your reservations it may be best to do just nursery until she is older.
However, I also didn't have the perfect mother and often wondered how she raised us Dc are now 3 and 5 and have just spent 7 days with them relatively unscathed except dd1 has a scraped knee (which would not have been prevented!)

ZhenXiang · 30/08/2011 22:36

Thanks shaz298 I will now be following your lead and removing all the safety covers in my house

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