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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or PFB with DM?

82 replies

travispickles · 30/08/2011 09:06

I have, after much delibrating, decided to let DM look after my 7mo DD for a few hours on a Friday while I am back at work. This is after she has begged to have her Friday afternoons (she is at nursery in the morning and I originally wanted her to stay all day). My reservations are due to a number of reasons - namely that she was a pretty crap mother, very narc and she has a tendency to be very mad whirlwind like, but not in a good way iykwim.
Anyway, I went round to hers the other day and pointed out that she must get rid of all the little ornaments on the floor, as DD can crawl now. She said "yeah yeah, I will do that". I then told her that she cannot leave the baby on the floor unsupervised. She thought I meant about the dogs, so she said "I have a door gate". I then pointed out that if she leaves the room at all she has to strap her into her buggy, as she has no elecric point covers etc. I never leave her unsupervised, but we have a travel cot that we use as a playpen. I suggested that she get one (that I will pay for) and she refused, saying she wouldn't leave her. When asked what she will do if she needs the loo, she said "But I won't go to the loo". As I mentioned, my DM cannot sit still and likes to do 3 or 4 things at a time so I find it hard to imagine her not leaving the room at all in 3 hours!
Then she showed me the buggy and car seat she had been given. I need to mention now that DM is very parsimonious and loves to have a freeby. I was OK with the buggy - it is only for a few hours a week so I can see why she wouldn't want to spend much, but the car seat was in a terrible state. I said that I wasn't happy with the car seat for a number of reasons - but namely the safety issue. Not to mention that it is a forward facing and is for babies of 9kg+. Having listened to me explain that I wasn't happy about it, she agreed but then took the car to Halfords and got it fitted in her car. The following day she came round and I admit I was really pissed off about it. I think my (over)reaction was down to a couple of things - being very tired, but also that I have a number of issues from childhood and I am really unsure about her ability to look after my baby the way I want her to.
I suppose this is my question - how much can I demand that she does things my way?
Just to add, I then went round again the following day to clear the air, and in the time I was there she was holding the baby and the baby grabbed a piece of paper and had a mouthful before I realised. She then walked down the garden holding her whilst carrying a hot cup of tea. I pointed out that I don't walk around holding the baby and hot drinks, and what would she do if she tripped. She laughed and said "I'd throw the drink away". AIBU? Is that OK? Am I being very PFB? (she then asked when she can start giving the baby tea. I mean WTF? Was that normal in the 70s? Is it still happening now??!)
Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:

yousankmybattleship · 30/08/2011 09:33

You are definitely very PFB but that is your right as a mother. I really don't understand why you say your Mum can't leave your baby for a minute though. Do you really strap your baby in a buggy every time you pop to the loo or answer the front door? That is a bit bonkers.
If you are going to be so uptight about it then I think you need to leave your baby at nursery. You'll be a nervous wreck otherwise!

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 30/08/2011 09:36

YABPFB.

Other than the car seat, depending on its condition and the age of your baby.

Don't use plug covers, as others have said, they are more dangerous. Ignore this advice if you live outside of the UK, as it is only UK sockets with the built-in safety feature.

Justfeckinggoogleit · 30/08/2011 09:37

I've managed to drag up raise four kids without socket covers, buggy strapping whilst peeing, drinking coffee and having ornaments, stair gates and playpens.

I really think you should work on relaxing and being a bit less catastrophi otherwise you may well pass on your neurosis anxieties to your baby.

Inertia · 30/08/2011 09:41

You're clearly not happy with your mum looking after your baby, and it looks like this is just going to turn into a control issue. I would suggest that you leave you baby in nursery for the full day, and arrange a regular meet up on another day.

If your mother is the sort who is likely to say that if you complain about how she looks after the baby then she's not going to do it any more, starting now, then you're really stuck for childcare while you work- nursery might not have space available by then.

WidowWadman · 30/08/2011 09:47

Your mum's house sounds like mine. So far my children have survived and are thriving. I've never strapped them anywhere when going to the loo either

StrikeUpTheBand · 30/08/2011 09:49

I would go with the nursery, and if you have problems and don't want to cause a row, I woul just tell her that the nursery has a minimum number of sessions policy and so you need to sen her all day Friday after all.

I don't think you are being (that) PFB by the way. The car seat issue would worry me most. The fact that she doesn't think it's an issue is concerning, and points to the act that she does not listen to your wishes at all.

StrikeUpTheBand · 30/08/2011 09:49

*send

RedHelenB · 30/08/2011 10:02

Where does it say the covers are unsafe??

Original poster

travispickles · 30/08/2011 10:03

No inertia - you missed the point. (Toniguy hit the nail on the head) - I would rather she was in nursery but she has been doing emotional blackmail/ guilt trips about not being allowed time on her own with the baby. So no, I don't have to be grateful for her childcare at all. Just to point out that the ornaments on the floor are things like little eggs/ objects that would be about the size to choke on. Would you leave a crawling child in a room with stuff like that on the floor??? Not sure that's PFB or just CC (common sense). The reason I don't leave the baby on the floor unsupervised is that we have laptops etc with wires hanging down which she would pull down on herself. I think it's more to do with the number of hazards.
Thanks for your quick responses... Think I will keep her in nursery.

OP posts:

lels99 · 30/08/2011 10:09

You clearly dont want your mother to look after the baby, fair enough. Be a grown up and tell her.

Also you seem to be a bit barmy about health and safety! Paper in her mouth? Cup of tea? Hardly likely to kill her!

diddl · 30/08/2011 10:13

TBH, it doesn´t sound to me as if she wiil take enough care.

Ornaments/plug socket covers-not an issue (imo) if baby will be properly supervised.

Re the tea-I did it, but would be pretty if someone else did tbh.

That´s hypocritical maybe, but it´s surely not hard to be extra vigilant with someone else´s baby for a few hrs.

With your own, I think you take "calculated" risks as daily life starts to interfere iyswim.

When mine were mobile, they came to the toilet with me or were in a playpen.

cardibach · 30/08/2011 10:25

RedHelenB did you read the link upthread? It's title is that they are unsafe, then it expalins why very clearly. The covers can be dangerous, the sockets themselves have inbuilt safety measures.

exoticfruits · 30/08/2011 10:31

It is quite simple. You can't get her to do it your way and you can't have control when you are not there. If you are not happy then don't leave her without you.

rainbowinthesky · 30/08/2011 10:31

Yanbu. These things (except the plugs as others have mentioned) would worry me too. You need to make an excuse and keep her in nursery.

zookeeper · 30/08/2011 10:33

This isn't going to work - if you're asking he what will happen if she goes to the loo then it just isn't. She doesn't sound as though she can do anything right, in your eyes at least. I do think you are being very PFB. Halfords woulnd't fit a dodgy carseat , and if you weren't happy with it why don't you get one. I feelrather sorry for her.

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 30/08/2011 10:38

Not read the whole thread, but just because halfords fitted the seat doesn't mean it is safe, it means it fits, it doesn't however mean its never been in an accident or reached its 'sell by date' no one can tell that.

Inertia · 30/08/2011 10:38

Travispickles- sorry , it wasn't my intention to suggest that you ought to be grateful for your mum offering childcare, and I hadn't realised that my post indicated this. It comes across that this arrangement would be for your mum's benefit- it's questionable whether your baby would benefit at all, and it clearly doesn't make life any easier for you.

My point was that if you do end up allowing your mother to look after the baby because she's harangued you so much about it, it will probably still end up causing you grief if your mother then flounces off in a sulk because you don't agree with her methods (which, to me, sound as if she's paying lip service to your requests in the manner of a sulky teenager, rather than genuinely looking out for the safety of her grandchild).

SiamoFottuti · 30/08/2011 10:41

It does read as very PFB. But if you don't want her to have the baby, don't let her. It's as simple as that.

PadmeHum · 30/08/2011 10:49

You are definitely being PFB. I could not think of anything better for a child than spending Friday afternoons with Grandma. TBH your MIL sounds as if she has tried to meet your demands with good grace. You are coming across as being very demanding, quite condescending, if not a little rude.

PorkChopSter · 30/08/2011 10:59

Just keep her in nursery - I do think some of your concerns are ones you will wince at in a few years but as it stands, you are being pressured into doing something you are not comfortable by your mother, and regardless of what that thing is (in this case childcare) you do not want to do it.

AnnaBegins · 30/08/2011 10:59

I don't actually think you sound PFB (disclaimer: I don't have kids but do look after my 18month old nephew often). The car seat thing would scare me - I've seen so many posts about not using second hand car seats! Surely carrying a hot drink and a baby is silly - my SIL has never asked me not to around nephew but has seen me put my coffee on the table out of reach and only drink it when nephew is playing on the floor or something. And why would you give a baby tea, surely the caffeine isn't good for them? I don't know, but I wouldn't like it.
The ornaments will probably be ok as your mum is likely to swoop in and move them out of harm's way when your DD approaches if they are precious to her and as someone else mentioned, socket covers are unnecessary.
I think your mum would probably learn fast, but I'd completely understand you not wanting to leave your DD with her and I think you've been given a hard time here. Good luck with it all!

FlubbaBubba · 30/08/2011 11:00

Hey Travis (we miss you on the post-natal thread btw), I agree that small chokable objects must be out of reach, and the carseat should be new or at least definitely not been in a car crash (does your mum know its history?). If it's safe but grubby, you could always wash the cover (with most car seats anyway).

I would let your mum take her off your hands a couple of hours every now (ad hoc) and then, but maybe out for a walk in the buggy or some such, until you're more comfortable leaving her with her, and increase it from there. Nursery in the meantime (and tell your mum why)...

HappySeven · 30/08/2011 11:06

I agree that you would not be happy/be able to relax so why not keep her in nursery and let your mum see her more when you are around.

As an aside the electric socket covers are actually more dangerous than not having them. You may be interested to read why they aren't a good idea

nannyl · 30/08/2011 11:09

YABU completely unreasonable.

except on the car seat part. YADNBU about that. and just cause halfords fitted it doesnt mean its safe.
you cant tell if a seat has been in an accident by looking

and nor should a 7m old child (who is also under 9kg) sit in the seat. Its illegal.... children have to be in an appropriate car seat, not any old car seat.

NunTheWiser · 30/08/2011 11:09

If you're not happy about your mum looking after your baby, don't leave her there.

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