to think wedding gifts should not be like this...

[kallima]

I'm a Brit who lives in Ireland. My DP and I have been invited to a couple of weddings over here, one a very good friend of his and the other an acquaintance - i.e. he has never met the wife.

I brought up the topic of what we would give for gifts and was absolutely dumbstruck when he told me the 'going rate' over here was a minimum of ?100 per person! There are no gift lists and cash is expected.

So between us we are giving ?300 to the good friend, and ?200 to the acquaintance, on top of travel, hotels etc. Blimey!

AIBU to think that these are ridiculous sums to give and to really dislike the whole 'expectation' surrounding it??

[NestaFiesta]

hairfullofsnakes- its not crass in my family nor in my town nor amongst all the people I know and mix with to go to a wedding with only a small gift.

You say 10 months notice for a wedding allows me to save for it. It doesn't. Not all weddings are ten months notice, some are two months. There are four of us now in my family, even a hotel stay takes a lot of money.

At my own wedding my cousin was upset because he could afford either a gift or to actually attend. I quickly told him not to even dream of getting us a gift.

In my world, its the norm to invite people to witness your commitment to someone, not to get gifts. Some people didn't get us gifts or cards at our wedding but shared our day. That's what we wanted. Their company.

I am not dissing long held traditions in other cultures but having read this thread it has emerged as a more or less newish thing and I am merely saying that it's a new one on me and in 41 years I have never heard of having to "pay back" what your attendance cost, or give hundreds to the happy couple.

[porcamiseria]

thats high, in the UK it seen to be an average of £50

[bumbleymummy]

I'm Irish and we didn't ask for any gifts or money and didn't expect anyone to cover the cost of their meal! We were actually planning to go travelling and most of our relatives knew that and gave us cheques which was really lovely but completely unexpected. After being asked loads of times by our student friends we set up a wedding list at Debenhams and had things ranging from about £5 upwards. All things for the house because we would be moving in on our own for the first time so we really had very little apart from a mix of very shabby student stuff :)

I do know some people who have been to weddings where they felt under pressure to buy big gifts but any of the weddings (mainly Irish) that I have been to were definitely not like that and all presents were really appreciated.

[exoticfruits]

'Save for a wedding present?!'
Why? Just buy a present that you can afford. Whatever happened to 'it's the thought that counts'?

[fatlazymummy]

hairfullofsnakes you do realise that people have other financial commitments than attending other people's weddings? It's nice for you that you can afford to save money each week to pay to attend a wedding, other people may not be able to.
When I got married [and it was quite a long time ago] we didn't ask or expect for anything, we paid for everything, including the bar in the evening. Guests only had to pay for their own transport which for the vast majority was local. That's because we were the hosts and our guests were our guests, so we made it as cheap and convenient for them as possible.

[SiamoFottuti]

Totally agree with hairfull, and actually think its really very rude and insular to call a culture uncouth or grasping when it is the norm there. Very colonial in fact, and you don't have many of those anymore.

It is NOT a new tradition at all, that is simply not true. Nobody asks, and people give money because THEY WANT TO. The culture is to be generous, and not just for weddings. The amount of baby gifts you get can be nothing short of embarrassing as well.

[kallima]

Just to clarify - neither couple asked for any gifts at all, and I have absolutely no problem with giving cash as a gift. I wouldn't dream of attending the wedding without giving a gift of some sort.

But I was shocked at the sums involved, and I dont like the 'pay for your meal' aspect as I feel it makes whatever sum you are giving feel less like a gift and more like an expectation, but that's probably because I'm not used to it.

I totally agree that as a rule the Irish are extremely generous, especially when you consider the cost of living here is higher than London.

[NestaFiesta]

In the olden days it might well have been traditional to give money as a gift to the newlyweds.

In those days you didn't have people getting married abroad, or expensive hotel accommodation, flights, petrol prices, gift lists at John Lewis or expensive wedding venues. By the time most guests have done that, expecting a big cash injection on top just seems like a massive cheek. I would be mortified at expecting people to cover their costs or give us hundreds of pounds when they had mouths to feed.

Times are changing and I'm saying that attaching so much importance to gifts and money is not as important as witnessing a happy event and sharing the happiness of family.

I am not dissing tradition or other cultures, but what I am saying is that not many people can afford gifts and money ON TOP of hotels and travel when they have families/bills/mortgages. It's getting to the point where going to a wedding will end up replacing annual family holidays because of the cost.

[Laquitar]

Gift aside, are Irish weddings fun?

I 'd like to go to one. I can't believe i 've never been to one

[SiamoFottuti]

It's not expected though. If you can't afford it you don't give it, and nobody thinks any less of you. If you don't want to go, don't go. None of it is compulsory, and I'm finding it hard to understand this antagonistic attitude.

[SJisontheway]

The tradition of generosity is not at all new, but cash is more common than gifts now as most have already set up home prior to the wedding. I'll say it again. No one is ever expected to give more than they can afford. And Irish weddings are great craic!

[BoscoIsMyLover]

Laquitar an Irish wedding is awesome, you can come to mine

We were at an english wedding recently, the Irish contingent were all sitting around chatting, pinting and catching up. Someone looked up at about 11.30 and realsied everyone was gone, bride, groom, bar staff

Most weddings last till 2 in Ireland (if you have a hotel for the reception) and if ye are staying in the hotel tis back to the mini-bar. People often have a seperate party the next night in the local!

Irish people are very generous with the money at the weddings but I think it needs to be underlined again that the couple are NOT looking for the money, it it the guest that puts the expectations on themselves because of some silly rule of ettiqute that has been passed around. Of course you should arriv with something. I know I would be happy with a card.

[NestaFiesta]

OK, if its not expected, fair enough. It's just that we've struggled for money this year and maybe I'm a bit touchy about it all.

[maighdlin]

what did people do before debenhams? cash gifts at a wedding are historic and in many many cultures its expected. i think its wrong to have certain expectations but its wrong to judge other people for wanting money instead of gifts. why does it matter if you give the couple £20 or spend that £20 on a plate? i would never go to a wedding without a gift, whether they wanted a cash gift or a gift gift. if i could only afford a tenner i will only give a tenner.

[Red2011]

I think that's extremely rude!
I think there is a difference between the 'cost' of a wedding and the 'amount deemed necessary to spend'. My sis got married recently in a hotel, had flowers, cake, 2 bridesmaids, 3 ushers - gave us a 3 course meal and it all cost around £8k.

If someone said 'no coast dresses' I would wear one out of spite. One that I had bought from the charity shop. Which is where the wedding gift would come from in that scenario.....

[SiamoFottuti]

I think you are extremely rude and you and your spite hopefully won't be at any wedding I attend.

[muminthemiddle]

I think £200 is too much to give. £50 sounds more like it.

[Minus273]

Giving more than you can afford is foolhardy not generous. It would take me years in my current circumstances to save a couple of hundred. To save any quicker would mean doing without food and or heat and light at some point as there is nothing else to give. There are others who are in even more financial difficulty than me.

I give what I can and I would definitely give more to someone I was close to than an acquaintance if at all possible.

I didn't have a gift list when I got married. I didn't even consider how much a gift may have cost, I just hoped they had made the choice freely, iedidn't feel under pressure to give what they did IYSWIM.

[Laquitar]

'craic' ! That's the word i was trying to remember!

Bosco i have only been to small parties with 5-6 Irish and i 've had the time of my life so i can imagine being in a room with 300 Irish! It has to be great fun - or craic. I will come to yours

[Insomnia11]

The most we've spent is £50 as a couple. There is no going rate.

[Katiepoes]

No Coast dresses is an urban legend.

I'm Irish and got married in Ireland. Most people gave us cash, 100 euro per couple seemed the norm, but we got a fair few that were quite a lot higher, my godfather gave us 600 and I nearly died. We had no list, some people asked my Mam and she told them money or vouchers. It's not 'demanding' it's just the way it's done nowadays. We still got a few actual gifts, some nice, some beyond vile, a mix is normal.

Of course from what I see here there is a group that think anything not done for 150 years in middle England is rude and they would do the opposite 'out of spite'.

[BoscoIsMyLover]

Ok laquitar I have sent you an invite..I hope you get it. I put the address as:
TO
Laquitar
Mumsnet.com
The Internet
UK



Some people apparently put "no Coast or Karen Millen dresses* because they dont want everyone dressed the same in the pics or else they bought their bridesmaids dresses there and dont want people to wear the same.

[BoscoIsMyLover]

Not true katie I actually got an invite from my bff (at the time) saying no coast dresses! She actually asked me after the invite would I mind not using my cane to walk that day because "it draws attention" I did not attend that wedding.

[Laquitar]

Thank you.

£200 for a full night's craic with fun loving people? Bargain!! [i'm getting ready]

Mind you we are in Cyprus now for a family wedding, we gave £150 but danced till the morning.