to think wedding gifts should not be like this...

[kallima]

I'm a Brit who lives in Ireland. My DP and I have been invited to a couple of weddings over here, one a very good friend of his and the other an acquaintance - i.e. he has never met the wife.

I brought up the topic of what we would give for gifts and was absolutely dumbstruck when he told me the 'going rate' over here was a minimum of ?100 per person! There are no gift lists and cash is expected.

So between us we are giving ?300 to the good friend, and ?200 to the acquaintance, on top of travel, hotels etc. Blimey!

AIBU to think that these are ridiculous sums to give and to really dislike the whole 'expectation' surrounding it??

[NasalCoffeeEnema]

I'm trying to work out whether you get more money by having a larger not so expensive wedding meal or a smaller posher one if its all worked out on percentages

good thing for my friends I am neither Irish (well only a tiny bit) and have already been married 10 years

[sqweegiebeckenheim]

InMyPrime I'm reading that advice in my head in Eddie Hobb's accent..........

[PamBeesly]

eugh Eddie Hobbs :(

[pigletmania]

So only the rich or well off can go nice. would politely decline then.

[Tortu]

Yeah, sorry, that is the going rate for the Irish weddings I've been to in my family. It has enabled friends and family to, typically, put down a deposit on a house.

I have an Irish side and an English side. Found the differences at our wedding quite interesting. The Irish side all gave cash and I was shocked how much some of them gave. English side all gave presents and expected a gift list.

[ll31]

these days I don't think anyone would be upset at any type of gift or any amount of money.. and if they would they're not worth knowing..

[SiamoFottuti]

I've never been to a wedding where we didn't give cash in a card, it is totally the done thing. It is never asked for or mentioned, you just do it.
Although its gone down since the house of cards fell down recession, we gave ?100 to the last one, a few weeks back.

[woopsidaisy]

I always give the Irish wedding bride and groom a voucher for Avoca.
It has such lovely stuff,and I think it is nice to buy something for your home that you would probably never spend normally.
I had a small wedding list,from Debenhams. I had a teeny room in a nurses home before I got married,so had NOTHING for my home that DH and I moved into after honeymoon. There was nothing expensive on it, just household stuff. The list was bought out in a day or two. Other guests brought gifts,and I loved every single thing. I think of the friend that gave it whenever I use it.
My aunts/uncles gave money-some were four figures! I couldn't believe it! And certainly never expected it! I wouldn't have given a crap if someone had brought no gift. I only had people I knew/loved at my wedding. Having them there was enough.

And I am a D4 head! So quit with the slagging!
Ross O'Carroll Kelly Rules-and you all know it!

[talkingnonsense]

I think a lot of the "just give a present" people, are from cultures where that is the done thing. If the op has talked to local friends I think we should accept that yes, that is the culture for that group of people and proceed accordingly. If she does give a gift no doubt it will be recognised as cos she is a Brit!

[NorfolkBroad]

I hate stuff like this. I didn't even want a wedding list when DP and I had our civil ceremony but my family said that if someone wants to spend their money on you it might as well be on something you need/like. We then made a list but the items ranged from £4.00 to about £50. I still feel embarrassed about it!

If I did it now I would say no gifts at all or donations to charity!

[NorfolkBroad]

Sorry civil partnership I meant to say.

[SJisontheway]

Those are Celtic tiger sums. Divide in 2 and you won't stand out. Although cash is the norm, presents are not uncommon. If you want to spend less than 100 I would recommend getting a gift. You will not be the only one.

[SJisontheway]

Tiger economy. The boom before the bust.

[RedHotPokers]

JobHouseCar - I did the same as Diddl.

Had a wedding list with a really wide variety of items (from eggcups to casserole dishes). Didn't send it with invites. Gave details to my mum in case family members asked if there was anything specific I wanted, and I gave out details to friends IF they asked.

I got a split of about 50/50 gift list/other presents. It worked out fine, and most importantly it didn't make me feel to grabby.

Re. weddings, I normally spend about £50 (as a couple) for a full day thing (so close friend or family member), or £25 for an evening invite (so friend or colleague). I think subconsciously it is influenced by what I know it costs roughly to feed and entertain each guest, but I don't do it in a callous way, just because I have no idea how much to spend - am crap with things like that.

[ceres]

as others have said it is the norm in ireland to give cash. it is rare to get a gift list with an invitation.

personally we didn't have a gift list as i think it is rude to mention gifts at all, including asking people to give to charity. people give what they give, or not as the case may be - at our wedding most people gave cash, a few gave gifts they had chosen themselves and a few more gave nothing. all fine by me.

if i go to a wedding i wouldn't give less than ?150. it is just the way it is. there are no bouncers at the door throwing people out for not giving the right amount though. well, not at the weddings i've been to!

[HardCheese]

I think the cash wedding present thing is very, very new in Ireland, so I'm a bit flummoxed by those who seem to think it's some time-honoured and immutable law. Quite a lot of people still seem to think that having a wedding list is crude and grabby (which I think is hilarious, as surely asking for cash presents is grabbier, if anything?) I think myself that the traditional, pre-wedding list thing of the average newlyweds ending up with seven toasters, nine different sets of crystal, and four deep-fat fryers went on much longer in Ireland than in the UK. When I was a student (start of the 90s), I certainly inherited a lot of unused duplicate wedding presents from various relatives.

[Laquitar]

I have heard the 'cover the meal' too.

Ok. I don't mind this. But i don't want to hear for years to come from the couple and their parents that they did a fab wedding, they spoilt the guests, they spent a lot etc. Erm, we (the guests) did.

[acatcalledfelix]

DH's family is Irish and I've been told this, that they spend a fortune on the day and pay it off with the cash gifts they recieve. Seem a bit mental to me. But, when we got married, I was shocked at how much some of his aunts and uncles gave to us, and they are not well off. So there's definitely something in what the OP is saying.

[mrsmusic]

Gosh I feel a bit tight now. My sister got married this weekend and we put them together a picnic hamper for two (not with the food!) - plates, wine glasses, napkins, bottle opener etc. I paid for my bridesmaid dress and my daughter's. We wrote them a beautiful handmade card. Card and pressie came to about £30. They have told us that they love their presents.

When we got married we were overwhelmed with everything that we got - we got quite a lot of vouchers for Debenhams and Argos - ranging from £10 to £50; some money which we bought our kitchen table and chairs with (ranged from £10 in a card to £200 from dp's grandparents) and gifts such as a piece of cut glass from parents.

[PamBeesly]

I think your wedding gift sounds lovely mrsmusic a picnic hamper fab

[SiamoFottuti]

I don't think its at all new. I'm married over a decade and got cash and vouchers as presents, as did my in-laws in the early 70's. It's always been common. As it is in a great many countries.
Just because its not the norm in the UK doesn't make it wrong.

[inkyfingers]

whole point of the wedding list is that you can choose what to give (ie what you want to spend). I hate the £££ attitude. Don't go or give them something unusual like hamper or something for garden (tree/rose bush) anything but cash.

[SinicalSal]

nah, it's all cultural inkyfingers. What's the norm in some places is the height of rudeness in another. Weddings are one of those highly specialised etiquette minefields. I'm all for etiquette - why frighten the horses? of course if you can't afford it your friends will understand but if you're making a stand to show what an independent thinker you are who's not bound by societies' rules, I'm inclined to put on a rolleyes face.