to think wedding gifts should not be like this...

[kallima]

I'm a Brit who lives in Ireland. My DP and I have been invited to a couple of weddings over here, one a very good friend of his and the other an acquaintance - i.e. he has never met the wife.

I brought up the topic of what we would give for gifts and was absolutely dumbstruck when he told me the 'going rate' over here was a minimum of ?100 per person! There are no gift lists and cash is expected.

So between us we are giving ?300 to the good friend, and ?200 to the acquaintance, on top of travel, hotels etc. Blimey!

AIBU to think that these are ridiculous sums to give and to really dislike the whole 'expectation' surrounding it??

[Bartimaeus]

"cover the cost of a meal"?
What a strange idea - especially as most wedding meals are pretty yucky!

Also, how would you know how much the meal cost?!

We deliberately kept the numbers of guests very small in order to pay for a gorgeous meal in an amazing restaurant for our guests. I would have been very if they'd thought this meant having to give us more. We wanted to treat them. Our friends and family gave what they could and wanted to. We didn't want to do a list but were forced to because everyone kept asking for one. Some people bought from the list, others bought from somewhere else, some just donated cash to the list.

[dazzlingdeborahrose]

If the couple can't afford the cost of the meal being provided to guests then the couple need to economise. It's certainly not and never has been the responsibility of the guest to cover the cost of their meal. I'm disgusted that this is becoming a common understanding. If I got an invitation that said no presents please because we've got everything we need so please give us some cash, I'm afraid I'd buy a goat couple from Oxfam and put that card in the 'wishing well'. For an acquaintance, 100eur is more than adequate. I hope I don't get a wedding invite any time soon - they're bound to be terribly disappointed :o

[JobCarHouseNoBaby]

Whilst I am at the talk of 100EUR+ cash gifts for a wedding present, I am personally also stumped by how to handle the gift list for my own wedding.

DP and I have been together 7 years and have lived together for 5 of those. We bought our own house last year. We are getting married next year.

I am not presumptious (as long as people turn up and have fun I don't see the need for a gift) but, I do know some people (namely family) will want to give a gift.

Now, our options are (as I see them):

a) Don't do a list at all, and end up with 3 irons, 2 kettles and a toaster (all of which we already have) and end up taking them back to shops for an exchange

b) Do a gift list, but include 'posh' stuff that we currently don't have (e.g. a nice dinner service, people can buy a plate each etc)

c) Do what some of our friends have done in the past and open a bank account specifically so guests can BACS transfer a cash gift for them to piss up spend on their honeymoon (note: I did NOT approve)

d) Do a gift list with a store for vouchers (e.g. B&Q so we can sort the garden)


I don't really like the idea of directing my guests to think about gifts at all, but equally don't want those that do want to buy us something buying us useless crap that we don't need or want.

[PamBeesly]

OP I'm Irish and would never have dreamed of ever ever expecting any cash from anyone but I do know of some people who have written their bank details on the invitation, if I got an invitation with bank details I'd either be RSVPing NO or giving an actual gift (that I could afford)
I think its sick actually that people expect money, some people think they can make money from their weddings. I do not think its an Irish specific thing though.

[diddl]

I did a list & left it with my mum for if people phoned & asked.

It wasn´t compulsary to give from the list or at all-let alone cover the meal.

WTF is that about?

This sounds like the equivalent of the "whole class invite"-it´s "the done thing"-says who?

[exoticfruits]

I am of the opinion that you get married because you want to be with that person, not to extort get cash or expensive gifts from people

Exactly. If you can't afford a big wedding just have a small one.
I would do it the other way around, assume that anyone with a huge wedding isn't in need of a gift, but that someone with a tight wedding budget might actually need a bigger present. (this cover the cost of the meal seems tobe saying that the rich deserve better presents )

[BoscoIsMyLover]

PamBeesley just wanted to say LOVE the name!!!

[NoseyNooNoo]

D4: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dublin_4

[kallima]

zukiecat - not being Irish I wouldn't like to try and give an accurate description of what D4 means..

..so this is from Urban Dictionary

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=d4%20head

[PamBeesly]

Thanks BoscoIsMyLover

[paddypoopants]

I'm Irish, live in Scotland and the only wedding I was asked to give cash as a present was an English one. The invitation included the happy pair's bank account details. It seemed so totally mercenary. So we gave them a present instead. I don't think they were very happy- but tough.

[chillikat]

I'm not sure where I got the idea from but we asked guests for their favourite recipe. It worked really well as we've already got loads of house things and, like other posters, didn't want a load of stuff we didn't have a use (or any room) for. Some guests put loads of effort into the recipe with descriptions of why it was their favourite. Someone even included ingredients. It is lovely and we think about our wedding, and who gave the recipe whenever we test one out :)
I'm not keen on wedding lists - they seem a bit impersonal, cash even more so.

[bubblesincoffee]

Asking for, or expecting money as a wedding gift is vulgar. Really Really distasteful imo.

Give them a tenner and hope they realise that you have more class than they do.

[SinicalSal]

People give the same amount whether the wedding is fancy or not so your bald statements 'don't have a fancy wedding if you can't afford it' makes fuck all difference. B&G's know how it works so try to show their guests a good day.

[PamBeesly]

Do D4'ers have a British equivalent? Curious (sorry for going off topic OP)

[vividgingerchilli]

All I can say is thank goodness that I am billy no mates!!!!
When I got married we asked for charitable donations to a children's cancer charity, I much preferred that to any presents.

[pigletmania]

Well they can ask all they want, does not mean that they will get, it is very rude to set a limit to how much somebody can give. If your poor you can't go then! That's good better go on a nice little weekend away then instead of giving 100+ to some greedy couple.

[BoscoIsMyLover]

TBF this couple havent asked for it, ither people are saying its the norm.

[SinicalSal]

Nobody asks. That should be made clear. But everyone knows how it works.

[HardCheese]

PamBeesly, it's just a specifically Dublin postcode shorthand for a certain kind of middle-class arse-ishness and a spectacularly annoying and much parodied accent. I was going to say Sloane Rangers, but that doesn't really equate.

I'm Irish, and most of the weddings I've attended were there, and have never been asked for money, far less had it implied I need to give a specific sum. Then again, many things changed during the Celtic Tiger (when I was living abroad) and I'd be lying if I didn't say that there was a spike in nouveau-riche grabbiness. I've not been to a post-CT Irish wedding, but my sense is that they are one of the things that have really changed in the last decade. It's all got a bit Hello magazine.